Messages

Blueberry,
Thanks for the kudos but I'm not sure I deserve them.  I guess trying to post for others is another way of me trying to ground.  I was right where you were last night.  I pulled out my tools to SH and then thought better of it.

I reread some stuff on the forum instead and got through it.

Lots of love,
Deep Blue

Blueberry,
Hang in there.  I think my current EF has been triggered by a looming anniversary.  Maybe it had something to do with the date?  Just wanted to send you a  if that's ok.   We all have some lapses sometimes... but remember a lapse is not a relapse 

Phoebes,
Yes the person is still alive. No I can't press charges.  I have had no contact with them for about 15 years.  Plus like so many of us... I feel I should have could have stopped the abuse. 

California dreaming,
Thanks so much for listening and offering support.  Just knowing that you and this forum is here really helps lighten my load.  Re-reading posts from here are helping me so much.  I'm trying to keep from using my favorite unhealthy coping strategy. One step at a time.

 

Way to go! You are so brave to take a stand.  I'm glad you have already made steps to do so.

California dreaming,
Thanks, I will try to go easier on myself.  I have already done what you said a couple of times and it seems to be helping.  I'm in my living room, I'm safe. I'm trying to ground as much as possible too... it seems to be helping as well.  A strange help came in the form of a panic attack this afternoon.  I got myself so worked up that I threw up.  Strange as it may be, it helped bring me more to the present.  The phantom pain is still here but it sorta jolted me back a bit.  Thanks for the support 

California dreaming,
Thanks so much for the hope that the symptoms may ease... I look forward to that day... the last few days have just been a constant countdown to the next panic attack.     I wish I could erase it from my mind. 
*** trigger warning again***


My flashbacks are so visceral that I feel as if the wind is being knocked out of me even know. As I type this my lower back is spasming as if I'm being hit with a belt.... sorry have to stop there...

Phoebes,
My abuser was a sadist as well. So much satisfaction from my pain, so much anger if i disobeyed the rules... I have memory after memory of being punished in this way... I just want to break free. 

***Another trigger warning ***


I'm sorry you have walked a similar path as mine but may try some techniques you mentioned.  I have tried rewriting the narrative of that night... changing the ending... but it's still difficult.  I'm still that kid that is desperately holding my tongue... counting in my head... focusing on paint drips on the wall and forcing my mind elsewhere....Breathing and absorbing as much as my little body could handle.  An additional problem I have is that the abuse was not over once I woke up... an hour after I came to, I was abused again 

This is a strange anniversary, but it's one that I struggle with every year.  My former best friend's birthday is coming up.

The reason it is such a bad anniversary is because of the severe physical abuse that happened that night.

Trigger warning ****


That night I was drug by the hair across a room, beaten till I could no longer stand, then I was yanked up by the hair and struck repeatedly with a belt, and kicked in the stomach over and over.  It was the worst night of my life.  The abuse was so bad that I passed out.  Usually I didn't pass out because I had learned to dissociate. 

Now around this time every year I struggle. At night I'm wrecked with nightmares... I can't sleep.  Each time I close my eyes I'm being hit... then I wake up with a panic attack.  In the day time, my body reacts as if I'm covered in bruises. I ache and tend to use self harm as a crutch... to remind myself which pain is real and which is in my mind.

What do I do? Saturday is the anniversary and I'm already feeling awful... will this anniversary ever effect me less?  Will I ever stop having nightmares about that night?  Even writing it here makes me feel like I'm going to throw up...  (sorry that's all I have in me right now)

Thanks Dee,
I'm still pretty raw this week and I've been furiously trying to keep myself distracted.  This EF is one of the worst I have had and I just want it over.

 

Well at least it's a starting point!

Morelia,
I did low fodmap and still had problems.  Turns out eggs are a problem for me and they are in low fodmap! I should always eat better and exercise more... but too much fiber causes me problems as well. 

I honestly think i keep tension in my stomach and that can be a huge problem for me.

I had a very scary moment today.  I would say that I have not been actively suicidal since age 17.  I'm am 35 now, and though I have numerous CPTSD symptoms, suicide ideation has not been one of them. 

I always had a reason.  It used to be a friend, she was my reason.  Now my reason is my son.  This morning, I had to make an emergency appointment with my T so I was late going in to work.  My husband takes my 4 year old to daycare and I pick him up everyday.  I didn't want him upset so I hid this morning as my husband scooted him out the door.

Then this gut churning thought hit me.  My husband and him do this dance each day.   Maybe they don't need me after all?  By the looks of this morning, they are just fine without me.  Then came the Suicide ideation.

My T assured me that it was ok for the thought to enter my mind.  She said I'm not suicidal because the thought was upsetting to me.  I hope she's right.  I've never been good at putting myself first... so I live for others... I've been in such a bad emotional flashback that my judgement is clouded.   

You helped me so much by "sitting with me" the other night.

I'm sitting with you each time you check your email now. 

With love,
Deep Blue

Cookido,
I'm currently in an EF and hadn't done it in a month or so... unfortunately I'm sleeping with a heating pad tonight...  heavy sigh

I think I'm in an EF right now.  I just can't seem to get back to center.  If I could cry I would.  I'm having tons of nightmares and am constantly having to keep myself busy to avoid wallowing.  I'm scared if I stop moving then the si will start

Trigger warning**** physical abuse


I wonder if it goes back to the cause of our CPTSD? When I was being abused, I was not allowed to yell out.  If I cried or yelled in pain, the abuse was much worse, often we started over...

I can't really write more... sorry... I'm barely hanging on the last few days.