My type of self-harm - Trigger warning

[Blueberry]

Thanks AA, much appreciated!

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My SH impulses are way up today! Some of it is definitely connected to being Mod because of all these 'perfectionist' tendencies I have especially around language and comprehension and also making decisions and yikes the whole of the forum being able to read them. Not that I'm even that far yet, atm it's just the other Mods who are reading my queries and comments.

I do realise that some of the time when reading in Mod role, I'm pretty EF-y. All this brain fog. For the moment I'm observing the effect on me.

A little while ago I was at a loose end (whole computer / Internet connection needed a break so I couldn't do anything either). I realised I needed to do something with my fingers but didn't have a worry egg around  but I remembered to massage my fingers pretty hard, as if I'm pulling gloves off my fingers one by one. I hadn't done that for a long time. It helps to relieve tension. I yawned like crazy, which means not just physical tension was being relieved but that there was a lot going on on the emotional level too. Some of that will have been released now too. I intend to do more of this massage today, tomorrow.  to self for remembering this old recovery tool.

[Blueberry]

I'm much less EF-y in Mod role and my SH impulse has gone down. Yay  progress!

Yesterday I was spitting with rage about something in present day life and in my childhood. I was so angry I couldn't fall asleep and I didn't know what to do with my anger. Partly I had the impulse to do some hard physical exercise but can't do that late evening in my apartment (noise levels) and anyway my feet aren't up to it. I ended up sweating in bed, though it's winter. The interesting thing is though that I had no impulse whatsoever to self-harm, and I don't think I did.

[Three Roses]

 Yay! Yay for progress! 

[Blueberry]

It's interesting to read that exactly a year ago I was sitting about trying to do professional work and doing SH. (I called it SI then because was thinking "self-injury"). That's what I'm doing tonight too. For the same reasons. Nitpicking decisions.

ha. Today I was out in the garden clearing moss and picking wild herbs, and I couldn't do either in any kind of systematic way. I used not to be able to do any of that kind of activity in a systematic way. For a couple of years now, I have when I'm feeling relatively stable, but then sometimes I can't again, which shows I'm sort of confused internally. Maybe it's quite simply an EF. That would explain such difficulty getting on with my professional work.

So what would cause an EF? Attempting some real concrete steps at another paying job and contact with FOO.

[Deep Blue]

Blueberry,
Hang in there.  I think my current EF has been triggered by a looming anniversary.  Maybe it had something to do with the date?  Just wanted to send you a  if that's ok.   We all have some lapses sometimes... but remember a lapse is not a relapse 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Deep Blue!     is great. Yeah, I forgot you've been in an EF for quite a little while but still answering posts and being supportive on here. Kudos to you and big thanks!

You're right, it's just a lapse. Not a relapse. My lapses are much shorter and less deep than they used to be too. They used to feel like they'd never end. Now I know they do and I can reach this knowledge while still in EF, whereas I used not to be able to. Progress and healing! 

A fellow freelancer is taking on most of the job for me so my SH impulse has gone way down.

[Deep Blue]

Blueberry,
Thanks for the kudos but I'm not sure I deserve them.  I guess trying to post for others is another way of me trying to ground.  I was right where you were last night.  I pulled out my tools to SH and then thought better of it.

I reread some stuff on the forum instead and got through it.

Lots of love,
Deep Blue

[Blueberry]

I pull my hair out partly as an expression of self-hate. I was criticised about my appearance, especially my hair, so much growing up particularly by M and B1 that I wanted to destroy myself on some sort of unconscious level. 

I'm back to constant SH. Undoubtedly because I dared stand up to F. If I'm hating anybody it should be FOO for what they did to me and neglected to do for me but I seem to be not that far along.

But I did read some coping methods in here, like pulling my fingers and wearing socks at night, and clutching my worry egg. In a couple of hours I'm going up to the farm and the very fact that I'll be working with both hands will certainly reduce SH if not the self-hate. I don't even consciously feel the self-hate, but I maybe would if I sat with my feelings instead of pulling my hair out. Or maybe I would feel as if I'm about to implode, something I've felt before when forcing myself to not do any SH.

[Wattlebird]

 

[Deep Blue]

Hey blueberry,
Try not to beat yourself over this.  Sometimes we SH when we aren't even aware of it.  Good self care to use some of the methods you read on the forum.

You know why you do it, and that's an important step.  Here for support if you need us. 

[Blueberry]

You're right Deep Blue, I'm sometimes only half-aware of what I'm doing in this regard. I was very jumpy and not able to concentrate properly on what I was doing at the farm. Start one thing, stop, change direction, do the other shelf etc.  Very hard to do anything methodically. I used to be like this all the time but now it's just in bad phases.

[Deep Blue]

Good job at taking a step back and acknowledging your progress.

[Andyman73]

BlueBerry,

Here supporting and believing in you.

Andrew

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, you darling thing, you.  so much criticism to have had to deal with over your lifetime.  that's just plain wrong.

but, you aren't wrong.  not for a minute.  i know this sh has diminished over time, and i'm glad of that.  are you at a place where you could do some screen processing, if only to make the self-hate or criticisms a bit smaller?  i wonder if that could help you with this.

just know that we're with you, no judgments.   you've been doing so well with so much lately, maybe this bout of sh is to counter-balance all the good you've been achieving.   just a thought.

whatever, you are precious and loved here, a formidable and integral part of our community family.   

[Blueberry]

Thanks san  Moved to tears-behind-the-eyes at your post. EFT would be a good idea, not sure about screen processing atm.

I finally washed my hair  which reduces SH impulse usually.