Scary moment

[Deep Blue]

I had a very scary moment today.  I would say that I have not been actively suicidal since age 17.  I'm am 35 now, and though I have numerous CPTSD symptoms, suicide ideation has not been one of them. 

I always had a reason.  It used to be a friend, she was my reason.  Now my reason is my son.  This morning, I had to make an emergency appointment with my T so I was late going in to work.  My husband takes my 4 year old to daycare and I pick him up everyday.  I didn't want him upset so I hid this morning as my husband scooted him out the door.

Then this gut churning thought hit me.  My husband and him do this dance each day.   Maybe they don't need me after all?  By the looks of this morning, they are just fine without me.  Then came the Suicide ideation.

My T assured me that it was ok for the thought to enter my mind.  She said I'm not suicidal because the thought was upsetting to me.  I hope she's right.  I've never been good at putting myself first... so I live for others... I've been in such a bad emotional flashback that my judgement is clouded.   

[Dee]

I understand that though of people will be better off without me.  It isn't true, it is a distortion.  I agree with your therapist.  I also can see how you are understanding that your thoughts may not be rational.

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Dee,
I'm still pretty raw this week and I've been furiously trying to keep myself distracted.  This EF is one of the worst I have had and I just want it over.