Messages

Thank you san, armee, and not alone. 

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Feeling very sad and discouraged today. I had a session today and it took a lot out of me. I felt a lot of pain and anger that I carry, and at the same time there didn't feel like there was a way out or away from it all. Feeling it and acknowledging it didn't bring any relief. Part of me feels trapped in the past because these feelings are from the past. This part is very angry and also does not want to allow for any changes through IFS. Doesn't trust me and won't make room for Self. It just wants peace and to ignore the past like it didn't happen. Except it doesn't work that way, other parts carry the past and they don't just go away. This part feels resentful about all of it, another reason why it's blocking me on doing any kind of work. It just feels kind of hopeless to me that I'll ever get anywhere, there's always a part of me that undermines any efforts, because it's not allowing it.

Today wiped me out and I'm sad, angry, frustrated, and don't know what to even do anymore.

 

BeeKeeper, it sounds so much fun to be contacting people in the way that you have, and having such positive reactions back from them! Somehow this feels really inspiring, and a part of me wants to try this out down the road, even though right now I don't have any specific persons in mind. Filing this one away though, it feels like this is a big part of joy in life

Armee, thank you for the hugs.

san, thank you. 

rainy, I am glad my thoughts are helpful to you.  I think we often aren't ready for things until other things are established first.

BeeKeeper, I am glad my post helped you gain some insight into your own experience.

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I have been away for a while, took a break from everything for a little bit. I haven't done any IFS, but am starting up with it again. A part of me is hoping to make a lot of progress with it, another part feels pessimistic and thinks I won't get far, because there are always so many blocks that come up. Self is eternally patient and not worried one bit about this. I have an impatient part that wishes it was easier and progress could be made faster. It's hard to accept that it's a slow process.

Thank you Blueberry. It's been a few days now and the EF has passed. It's mind-blowing how powerful they are.

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I didn't have a session with my counsellor this week as she is away. I managed to do some IFS on my own. I discovered a new part of me. I know very little about it as I have not had the time to get to know it yet. The only thing I know about it is that it wants to be free from everything I carry. Another part of me did not like this new part. It is afraid of changes within myself and of other parts taking over. It was worried about having to 'share' with this other part. It didn't want more parts coming in and making things feel crowded inside. It also shared even not liking Self being around and that it feels uncomfortable because it's new and different. It's so bizarre connecting with feelings like this, I had no idea. Experiencing those feelings though and really connecting with them was an eye opener. No wonder things seem to take so long to change; there is a genuine fear and a real need to be given the time to get used to things becoming different within myself than they have been for decades. It is shocking how disconnected I was/am (?), to the point of being completely unaware of these feelings.

I can kind of see what how things will be different inside myself as I keep doing the work. One part of me is okay with this, and welcomes it. To this scared part it feels alien and frightening, and even the smallest of steps towards that is a tough adjustment.

I am feeling a lot of grief today that I have pretty much locked away most of the time. I hate the pain and wish I could go back in time to change the past and avoid the loss, or at least, this version of this loss of my mother. I want to change things so badly. It is hard to accept the past and the things that went wrong. Things that with my current insights and perspective I would handle very differently.

I think I'm in an EF. I think I may have been one in the past few days.  I thought I was coming out of it, with it lingering some a little. Then some conflict happened and I am feeling panicked and scared. I know this is an EF and yet feel unable to ground.

woodsgnome, your Icr may be correct that you consciously made that choice.  What it may not realize is that there was a good reason for that choice. There always is; parts of us do things in an effort to protect. I understand though that despair coming up as a result, it's a result of feeling so stuck and like nothing can change. This may be faulty thinking, and I think this is being battled by opposing parts of me - those that feel it's the truth, we are stuck forever, and then there's this other part of me that believes that with effort things can be different. Thank you for the hug and for sharing how you see me. 

san, I hope your T is right and that you can work through it all, sometimes it just feels like an impossibility and it gets very distressing. I don't want the rest of my life to be this, the thought of that is unbearable. It makes me want to work harder at it, but at the same time, I know I can't force the process, I can't speed it up, and so that's discouraging too, that it's going to take the time it's going to take. Yes you are right, we don't want this thing to win. Thank you 

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I'm still not feeling well today and ended up taking a sick day. I usually push through, but today I couldn't face a day of struggling through the work day. It feels a bit like torture when I can't focus and all I want to do is lie down and rest. I wonder if I am fighting something off now, I'm feeling run down still despite resting and taking it easy the past few days.

I am still on the wait list for EMDR. I've been on the fence about EMDR for quite some time, so this has been okay. Parts have been very afraid to try it, but I'm noticing less fear now. There is still a lot of caution around it, but I think I'm open enough now to see how it might go. It may be a couple more months yet, but that's okay. I think that will give me more time to do IFS and help me gain a bit more confidence in myself in being able to handle what might come up for me. I am finding actually there is a part that now wants to do EMDR to see if this can help move things along more quickly. I am so tired of still having so many struggles. Things have vastly improved for me, but there is still a lot of painful stuff there that still feels like too much and I need a solution.

I know progress is slow going because parts are very afraid of the pain that's locked away. I have felt some of it a few times in the past month or so, and it is a lot and intensely painful. No one likes to feel pain, and I think pretty much most of me is trying to stay away from the acute feelings. However, keep it locked up is draining and steals energy from my life that I want. I'm not sure how to face it head on, because I really don't want to. I know I'm avoiding and running from it. I don't have the courage and I don't know how to.

I wish I had an appointment scheduled for this week.

That sounds absolutely exhausting and the last thing you need right now. Maybe the best thing to do is to focus on the essentials, and worry about the rest later (as best as one can when dealing with pests)? I would be totally overwhelmed as well. 

rainy, this is so hard. Those messages you were taught, they stand out to me as what the abusers themselves carry/carried, and they projected it all on you. I am so sorry you have internalized those feelings, they are deeply painful. Those messages are inaccurate and is how they were made to feel. The difference is you don't turn around and treat others like this.

What you wrote at the end is exactly what I've been experiencing these past few days. It opens up such deep wounds, no matter how gently input is brought to us. I have been reflecting on this and I think it hurts so much for me because there is a level of shame there that gets opened up for me. I completely get how it makes you feel, the aloneness, and not being understood, and this making you separate from others. It's such a hard place to be in.

I hope today goes okay for you

 

Blueberry and  rainy 

san, it makes sense to me that you've struggled with this given the stress levels. I think stress takes so much out of us, there's no room left for other things, including relationships. Thank you for your care 

Armee thank you 

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I've been sleeping a lot the past couple of days. I'm kind of bowled over by how exhausted I feel still today. This hasn't been part of my normal in a while, so I can see the contrast and how absolutely exhausting this state of being is. No wonder I could never accomplish much in the past, and yet I would  be upset with myself for it. I have learned though that energy levels will vary, and when they return, I'll be able to do more again. I am a little frustrated today that my weekend went to waste, but at the same time I know that I needed to just take care of myself and give in.

I struggle with how much there still is for me to work through. There is so much left that needs healing. I'm feeling discouraged by this, I want to move on with my life already. Part of me does not want this to be a life long thing and is worried about this. I feel like so much time has been lost to the pain and just surviving already. I don't want to lose more.

Part of me feels like I hit another layer these past few days that I wasn't really aware of before. It's felt like a set back given the way it took me down. But stepping back, I kind of see it as part of the path. A very painful part. Parts feel hopeless about it. Another part figures with time it may get better, but the hopeless parts don't believe it one bit. They think nothing can ever change, because history has shown this. These parts have been blended the most with me.

How do I know when a social situation doesn't go well, if it's because of me making a mistake, or it's because of other people and their own stuff? I have lost the little confidence I had gained right now.

I don't think I can work on how I relate to other people until I have worked on myself more. I need to work with the various parts of me and get those parts of me integrated. Only then will I have the proper space and resources to then open up to others. The trouble is this may take quite some time, maybe at least a couple of years. I hope not longer than that.

I am so, so tired.

san, I'm very happy for you both for the relationship that is unfolding between you. It is precious and what life is all about. Congratulations on your book writing, how wonderful that it has finally happened for you 

These are some big insights, blueberry. I can relate to how exhausting everything can be.

I hope you are getting the much needed rest this weekend. You are going to get through this and are lining things up to be better for you. You are taking good care of yourself 

It sounds like you have a good psych there, I'm glad she's taking things so seriously and doesn't make you wait