Messages

Not sure if this is of any help, but a part of me wants to suggest putting an invisible protective bubble as kind of a shield around you while your in-laws are visit. This shield will keep you safe from them. Not sure if that would work for you, but thought I'd throw it out there in case it's helpful.

Just wanted to let you know I've read your post.   

I'm glad you're making progress, even if your whole body is aching right now. 

That sounds like it went well! That's wonderful. I am glad you didn't feel the anxiety afterwards. You're off to a good start with your therapy 

That's an important insight around standing back and not sharing any of your thoughts about your husband's parents. That does keep you outside of the dynamic and doesn't muddy the waters that way. I can well imagine it's hard to watch. I'm sorry you have to go through that. Your husband is on his own path with his own timeline that it's going to take for him to figure things out. That's hard because it affects you and you can't change it, but it is helpful to be aware of that and to know getting out of the way of that will simplify his process.

I see you gaining more and more self-confidence and strength in the face of difficult people around you. It doesn't make it easier, probably, but maybe you can draw on that in moments where things feel discouraging.

How did it go today, Larry?

I'm glad you had some fun today  Fun is important for our well-being.

I'm sorry the anxiety gets so bad for you. My go to is to distract with Netflix. Is there anything that can provide the part of you that is so scared some comfort?

It's okay that you didn't get the medication. You can talk about your fear with your T tomorrow. You don't have to do anything you're not ready to do yet.

dollyvee, it may seem like a big realization, but it's one I've known about for a little while. It feels like old news, and it's not something I've been able or even tried to shift. I'm just aware of it. What you say about fear parts showing deep things about ourselves, I hadn't thought of it that way, but that does feel true. Thank you for sharing the talk, parts are restless and I may not be able to watch it, but will keep it in mind.

Armee, thank you for your perspective, it puts a different spin on things for me. It's strange, on the one hand I feel a lot of pain, but on the other, it's like it's not significant. Like it's only 1% of what real pain might feel like. So I feel like I'm feeling it and not feeling it at the same time. Thank you for your hug 

san, I hope I can find my way. It feels like I haven't yet after all these years. It all feels kind of aimless, but I am looking after myself. Thank you for being there beside me 

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Today I felt very depressed when I woke up. I decided to work from home instead of going in, it just felt like too much otherwise. I've been thinking this time of year is in the lead up to my loss, so maybe this has me feeling bad. I also wonder since I've decided I don't really want to push myself to do more IFS, if this has freed up space for other feelings.

My IFS sessions are online, and I really wish I could see my counsellor in person. Unfortunately she's not local and I'll never be able to see her in person. I think I am keeping my guard up a bit because it's online. It doesn't feel as secure or as private as meeting someone in person in an office, I just can't shake that it's technology and by definition never 100% secure.

I'm still on the wait list for EMDR and still go back and forth on it if I want/need to do EMDR. I have noticed I have become more open to it than I was before, and maybe a bit more ready to try it and see what it can do for me. It's been a year since I got on the list, hopefully I'll hear something soon.

Hi Armee, this sounds so difficult. CPTSD is a beast and it makes us lose things that are so important to us. I hope you can try to find some compassion for yourself. There isn't anything wrong with you. While I don't know the specifics of your story, I am sure it makes complete sense that you feel the way you do given your past experiences. There is a reason for your feelings as they are. I hope that with time you'll be able to return to your job, and that until then, you'll be able to focus on healing the parts of you that are so burdened by shame and pain. 

Trying not to feel is understandable, when it all feels like it's too much. Good for you on having started therapy. I hope it goes well for you on Friday. 

Dear sanmagic, I just read about what you went through with your pregnancies, and how completely overwhelmed you were when trying to process the first one. I just feel so much compassion for you and what you went through, I am so very sorry that this was your experience. It makes sense it took every bit out of you, that must have been such a shock, and as you say you are still reeling from this right now.

I can well imagine how hopeless it must feel and that 5 years feels unlikely, because there is just so much and it's so intense. Do you think your T could possibly be making a decent estimate, or does it feel like she's overly optimistic? Even so, I can imagine just how discouraging this must feel. I would try not to focus on that too much, and focus on just coming back from this. Small steps at a time, and they will all add up. 

Hi Larry, not sure that we've met yet. Welcome to OOTS 

I love that you got some plants today. Are they indoor or outdoor plants?

That does sound like your pub is concerned about you. That has me a little concerned for you as well. It sounds though like a part of you is trying to protect against feeling, which must feel really scary to you. If it helps to know, it's possible for feelings to not overwhelm you, there are ways of reducing their intensity so you don't have to escape.

I hope you're having an okay night!

dollyvee, that sounds quite painful. My body tenses up all the time and it does get sore. I hope maybe you'll be able to do something to relax your muscles. Maybe some gentleness towards yourself and your body can help. 

I am glad you have your T who is there to listen, care, and believe. 6 - 10 year old is not alone. 

Thank you, sanmagic, for your kind words 

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I'm feeling unsettled today and a mix of things. It's clear now there is a part that is very strongly against me moving forward with any IFS. Having this clarity is helpful, it was something I wasn't really aware of before. I am in no hurry to rush things along. In fact, I now feel apprehensive about it all. I am concerned about the intensity of both anger and fear that I have noticed in response to trying to do IFS. It is unsettling that there's a massive fear of "going there", because I don't understand the fear yet. I'm not sure at this point that I want to pursue any of this. At the same time, some of the grief has been bubbling to the surface, and it hurts. I'm afraid of the pain, of feeling the full brunt of it, because it feels like it's more than I could possibly bear.

Right now I'd rather just leave it all be, but part of me thinks, I can't live the rest of my life like this, with this deeply buried pain that shows me the deeply painful tip of the iceberg regularly.

This block has been there from even before I lost my mother.

I don't really know where to go from here.