Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

San, 
..........
Bee, I appreciate your reflection and validation.   
..........

What to say about this day?

My workspace is in a large closet inside an office inside a classroom where students with the most complex needs learn and are taught by my most difficult coworker. I fought the battle of not being in there and lost. 

I emailed a district admin (the one I've talked to before) a request to talk about my work in response to an email I sent.  I have learned to not contact her anymore given the following.

An assistant principal navigates the classroom and office and comes to find me in the large closet to request I meet with her.  This was humiliating as my difficult coworker witnessed this and I am sure it gave her food for gossip.

This assistant principal walks me upstairs to meet with her and the principal.  *sigh*
Apparently in the game of telephone, my email somehow was interpreted as a request for additional staff.  How that conclusion was come to I have no idea.  It made me realize that person is not on my team and is not willing to help me only tell.

I shared the question I wanted to ask the district admin with the principal and did my best to engage in the conversation.  She is back on "how sad I look" and how I am doing.   She is back on judging my schedule and not understanding my work and how my schedule works. 

I am tired.  December feels far away especially if I have to continue to have this absurd conversations where my work is questioned but the concern I really have is not being addressed.  The meeting was also just weird in that these folks seem increasingly nervous around me which makes me think they know they aren't helping me and worry I might sue or put up some kind of fight. 

I do feel strong in myself and I think my strength is also what makes people nervous.  I have dreams that go beyond trying to function in toxicity. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Armee]

I don't use religious sayings often, but:

God Speed , Rainty. Right on out of there, as soon as possible.   

[rainydiary]

San, 
..........
Armee, 
..........

I had a massage last evening which was refreshing.  My massage therapist is a big part of my healing journey.  She is also from the place I am planning to move to and will be helpful in supporting my transition.

My husband and I spoke this morning.  I think he often needs time to process and he shared a reflection about my work and timing of quitting. 

He also thinks that my vision of my future work is valuable and he offered to see if someone in his company would be willing to speak to me.  He was asking me a lot of good questions about how to frame my idea and I said I needed more time to think.

So, this weekend I am going to think about my husband's questions and next week. I didn't feel ready to approach the principal today.  I'm pretty sure I would cry if I said I am quitting today.  I want to have time to think of exactly what I want to say (no details, just the fact that I am leaving and my end date).  I want time to be mentally prepared to talk to her.  And to be ready for her knee jerk reaction(s) which may possibly include telling me that she doesn't want me in the building anymore. 

Just trying to get through this day and then enjoying a long weekend. 

[rainydiary]

I had something unplanned happen and want to reflect on it.

One of my brothers sent me this random text that his wife is in the area where I live. I have never met her and have plans this weekend.  I am also at work and not responding to texts readily.  Also, his wife has my cell phone number and I have texted with her before.

He starts really pressuring me to meet up with her.  It was so out of character for him.  I guess she will be here next weekend too so I decided to just set something up. 

I am upset with myself and with him.  He has never spoken to me like that before and it really caught me off guard.  I don't have to do this and don't appreciate his attitude.  Yikes.

[Snowdrop]

Your brother's text sounds like yet one more thing on top of everything else that you're going through, and what's happening at work sounds overwhelming.

I'm not surprised it caught you off guard. I hope you can be gentle with yourself.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Snowdrop - it does just feel like another thing and my brain is saying "yeah another thing you have screwed up."  I will work on gentleness.  This interaction really hurt. 
.........

My siblings and I are not close.  I am especially burned by my brother's texts because we do not include each other in anything.  None of us were present at the others' weddings.  We don't speak much.  We are all navigating our own worlds.

I don't appreciate setting a boundary and having it run over.  It isn't personal that I said I was busy - I am busy.  It sounds like his wife must have been pushing the issue.  I'm not sure how I am going to deal with seeing her.

I will try to see that it will at most be like an hour or two of my life.  It makes me dislike my family even more.  These ties that society tells us bind us are not the ties I care about. 

*sigh*

[Blueberry]

Your brother's text sounds like yet one more thing on top of everything else that you're going through, and what's happening at work sounds overwhelming.

I'm not surprised it caught you off guard. I hope you can be gentle with yourself.

rainydiary, without your brother's text , there was more than plenty for you to be contending with.

You didn't screw anything up. Your brother did imho. Being on guard all the time is very strenuous, energy-consuming, so I think it's normal to let it down sometimes, especially as a certain amount of recovery is reached and then I guess these breaches happen. But it's on your B that he is being so pushy here. You set a boundary, he ran over it. May I be a little annoyed for you?

Some gentle

[sanmagic7]

yeah, i agree w/ blueberry about the annoyance part.  that didn't hit me right at all when i read it.  it seemed intrusive to me.  i don't understand this at all, especially since you said you've texted with your SIL - if she wanted to see you, why wouldn't she ask instead of him doing the asking for her?  maybe i missed something.  could you ask her about this before you meet with her?  find out what's going on?  i've got a sense there's more to this than meets the eye, and i'm feeling cautious for you.  love and hugs, rainy

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I am also feeling cautious for you, and I echo what SanMagic said.  I think there is an agenda here, most likely something relating to your brother, and I am curious about what your SIL is going to say.  Could be wrong, but whatever happens, I wish you well with it, and hope that it goes ok.  There's always the option not to go, to cancel too.  Sending you a hug of support for this 
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, San, Blueberry - thank you for sharing in my "what the?"  Something is off and I don't understand what it is.  I will approach the situation with caution.  Perhaps she needs my help.  I don't know my brother as a husband or as a new father.  He is in the military and I have no idea where he is or what he is doing. 

What came to mind when he was being so aggressive toward me yesterday is that he wasn't himself.  I wondered if he was drunk.
I also wondered if he has finally started reaching a place where the impact of our childhood is catching up. 

But then I also wonder if it is my SIL pushing an agenda such as "family is supposed to be together" without understanding anything.  She had my phone number and I have texted her before so if she wanted to see me she could have asked. 

None of that excuses the way he spoke to me.  I haven't heard from him since.  I will take care with this.
..........

I'm pretty sure I will aim to resign from my job on Tuesday assuming the principal is there.  I unfortunately have to give 30 days notice per my contract so that I don't have to pay back money. 

As I was running today I really saw how they are trying to position me as mentally ill.  I am providing fodder by simply showing up. 

I'm most worried about being handle a negative reaction from the principal.  I will plan to be ready for the worst which in my mind would be me getting triggered, her being triggered, her using nasty words, her asking me to leave immediately.  I honestly would prefer to be asked to leave immediately but doubt that will happen because they need me for coverage of students.

I am going to try to rest this weekend. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[owl25]

I hope you are getting the much needed rest this weekend. You are going to get through this and are lining things up to be better for you. You are taking good care of yourself 

[Dante]

I'm sorry to hear about everything you're going through.  It may not seem like it, but you will get through it.  I can relate to everything you wrote.  I have a brother who's never been to any place I've ever lived.  I tried for awhile but gave up, yet every time he comes to the town I live in, I get the pressure from my M to go see him. I've also just exited a toxic work situation where I was being used (not in a this-respects-me-and-my-ability-to-contribute sort of way), gaslit and manipulated.  The exit was messy and painful (felt like I was getting a divorce) but I got through it and I'm free now. 

Hang in there, I'm pulling for you. 

[rainydiary]

San, 
...........

Owl, thank you.  I am resting as well as I can.  My brain is busy trying to sort things out but I am relatively chill for me.  I appreciate your validation.   
..........

Dante, I appreciate your words and also the understanding of how hard it is to leave a job even one that is toxic.  I know I need to go but taking the first step to initiate that process feels like climbing a mountain.  I appreciate your support. 
..........

I am noticing a lot of emotion today.  I think it is primarily grief. 

My husband and I went on a really nice hike this morning - it wasn't previously planned and I do have a hard time transitioning to unplanned things.  But it was good to go.  I do enjoy the place where we live and it will be sad to leave. 

As I think about all the changes coming, I am noticing an old habit/fear that my parents will be disappointed in me.  I always do what I think is right for me but communicating that to them remains challenging.  I still feel judged by them.  I have learned that sharing limited detail is the best I can do.  I've told them we are planning to move and that is about it. 

I notice how much I resent feeling like I have to explain myself.  I think that makes relationships with others difficult.  I don't want to talk about myself or what I am doing.  I have felt especially questioned of late and it feels heavy.

I am grateful to not have work tomorrow.  It will give me a chance to ease into the week.  And be as prepared as I can be for taking the step to finally resign.