Messages

Thanks, Cat and Wolf

Cat, yeah, in the past, there have been hoovers, and using my words against me. Even when I would try totally validating her and humbling myself to my "mistakes", hoping that would "work"..I think in the past she was totally more intense in denying her role in my upbringing. It seems like she, through dealing with the last months of her own mother's alzheimer's-riddled life, that MAYBE she is trying to, in her own way, bring peace to the situation with her and me. That, OR she is trying to get validation that she is indeed a good mother, and wants to hear me say all is forgiven and she is off the hook. I actually WANT to be able to say that, and I think for the distant past stuff I can (mostly), even though she has admitted, say, ONE thing she has ever done, when it was extreme abuse on a regular basis. But it's the current lack of validation, undermining comments that she will deny and blame on me, if I bring that up. I am assuming based on the past.

Wolf, I do think at this time it is all about her. I could actually go into the conversation with that in mind. It just gets hard when in the throes of emotion sticking with the "program" of boundaries and not allowing her to hurt me.

I'm not sure what doing this in public or with a T would solve. It may suck to be alone, but at least she would be honest and I could go from there, if NC is where it needs to be. She can be total witch, queen or waif, depending on the situation. I tend to shut down and not say what I "should", need or want to say when she starts escalating her BS. I shut down, and she thinks she has "won". She MUST be in control. I don't think that will change (at least in her mind. I know she is not in control, neither of me, or of her mind.)

At this point, I have not answered her and don't know how I will. I don't think denying her the "talk" will solve anything moving forward. I'm not really wanting to go NC because I don't want to make things uncomfortable for my sister, niece an nephew, if I can help it. I also am very wary and fearful that this so-called talk to solve things could do more harm than good.

Well, as I had explained in a post a couple of weeks ago, I finally told my mom how I feel (well, a small part), and she had offered to "see a therapist" with me, which some of you helped me hash out that that would be a bad idea,due to experience having taught me about the denial and manipulation which would surely take place.

I have not talked to my mom since then, but now she sent a text saying she wants to come to my town (a rarity) and hash out any hurts between us..then proceeds to say how it's just too upsetting for her to recall and admit things she has done in the past, and once she starts crying she can't stop, etc..

It seems to me in her mind it is still all about her. Part of me wants to tell her EXACTLY and ALL of what I want to say. The other doesn't want her to come and knows how we will be in a room alone, and things will get said that she will deny and turn around on me. Maybe I am saying that out of fear of what might happen, but it seems she only pulls her shenanigans when we are alone.

I don't do well talking to her anyway. It is engrained in me not to, and to not say how I feel. Even in other relationships, it's like I freeze when important, self-preserving things need to be said. However, this could be a chance to stand up to that fear, and for myself. I am sure she will be all waif-y, and then have the fact that "she tried" to use against me. I might sound harsh but only going by past experience.

I don't know. I am seriously concerned about how this is bound to go, but at least my mom is making SOME sort of effort to try to resolve something, and did make the above admission, which she has never done. She has stated not that long ago that she did not own anyone an apology, and that she has already been forgiven by God, the only one that matters. 

Has anyone just stated the facts of how your PD has effected your life to your PD? That seems to be a bad idea...

 

Good ones! I think it would be fun to make some "Jack Handey" style scenes with some of these quotes for FB, or maybe even t-shirts. Thanks, Cat

I think it's for these reasons I do mostly just act like all is fine and I am "happy". I can't be real with anyone I know without immediately getting one of these quotes, and then I am triggered and feel shame that I "should" be able to apply this quote like everyone else. I can't stand looking at FB for this reason, too.

I have recently said something to a family member, tried to explain how a quote was just a quick answer to a complicated situation, and how much I dislike those kinds of quotes, and they actually got mad and defended their cliche approach and shamed me for being so "negative and not just "sucking it up." I've even been accused of not being spiritual because I questioned a "quote" as valid.

I'm glad others find these things as super-annoying as I do, because I have felt very alone in this. It's hard for me to believe that cliche quote loving people are just fine with tearing down another person while thinking they are so superior (is there a quote for that?)

I definitely recognize that I self-soothe with alcohol. The thing is, when I was younger, drinking too much at times was one more reason for me to shame myself and feel "guilt". I spent time in AA, and although it was helpful at the time, started feeling like I was not so much an addict as someone who always felt guilt about things and felt guilt about alcohol. I do drink now, but if I catch myself feeling guilty about it, I stop. (Weirdness? Maybe.) The thing is, I enjoy alcohol, and hated not being able to drink it in "fun" situations. I still get the stigma repercussions from people who know I was in AA. I don't enjoy that. But then, I drink on most nights, between 3-4 drinks..that is probably too much. However, it DOES make me feel better, especially in times of higher anxiety. And sometimes it's fun. My latest alcohol weirdness is I have really become a lot healthier, food-wise, and I have cut out "toxic" drinks with dubious ingredients, only sticking with craft beers and organic wines. That may be delving into other neuroses, but I do feel better about it 

The few times I have smoked pot, it just makes me fall asleep, so I have never seen it as fun or a good way to self-soothe for me, although I think it is probably healthier than alcohol overall, and I believe it should be legal. I don't react well to smoke, either inhaled or second hand. I was around several people smoking pot last night and I was slightly high the whole time. And sleepy.lol

Welcome, Aryianna!

I too am new here, and am finding a lot of great information and support here.   

Anniegirl, ever since I read this, I keep thinking of it, and thinking gosh, it is uncanny how many of us have these same experiences. It's almost like they have the same cache of behaviors and responses they pull as as a desperate effort to control our thoughts and actions. It's sort of unoriginal, isn't it.

I think this resonates so strongly with me because my mom was so controlling in every way for as long as she could be. Now that I am older and far more distant, these sorts of comments seem to be her last ditch effort at controlling me. She not only wants to be totally abusive, but then control my thoughts about her abuse. Well, sorry mom. You can't. They just make it worse and more obvious by doing this. I bought into her tactics for so long..It still makes me angry to get these sorts of comments from her, and I can logically think it through, but it is hard. It's hard to think your mother can't have compassion or show love to her daughter. It helps me to know and accept that as fact, though.

The other thing about it that bothers me, is she brings up this very topic in various ways OFTEN..like she is going to drive the point home that the past is the past and I need to forgive and forget, and she does not need to recognize or apologize. She brings up these topics regularly. She brought it up the other day (in a disguise of it being about my grandmother). I said, well mom, do you think it would have helped you if she would have recognized she did something to hurt you and actually apologized for it? She immediately SNAPPED that she "doesn't OWE me an apology or anything else! She is right with god, and if I have an imagined problem with her then I need to just get over it." That is what she took away from the conversation which was about HER and her own mother. So, I now know with 100% no doubt that it is strongly in her mind and in the forefront that she does not OWE me any sort of recognition or apology on any level. That coming from a heavy-duty abuser. Thanks for the support mom! Lovely!

I echo what you have all said. Rrecovery, that is it in a nutshell for me. I get shaky, racing thoughts, racing heartbeat. Insomnia with all of the above. Major toxic shame attacks, suicidal ideation, very tense and withdraw until it goes away. Then feel wiped out, hopeless.

Marycontrary,
I have had the same experience, and am constantly doing and trying natural, homeopathic, herbal, acupuncture approaches, all of which help, but are costly. What are some things that work for you? I eat healthy, exercise, but still experience many bouts of depression, sometimes severe. The meds only numbed me out, and I cannot think of damaging my liver and other organs with medications any more than I already have. I would rather be depressed than that toxic. Although, I am always trying to find what works best. What are your thoughts?

Anne- yep. That sounds like my mom's style. She always bring up that kind of topic and comments. They obviously know what they have done, but rather than identify and apologize for even one thing, specifically, they spin it around like poor them, it's out job to "let it go", even if we have not even mentioned it in decades.. Yes, this sort of thing is why I am very very low contact with my mom. I would love to be NC, but have not had the courage, and/or wanted t cause strife with sister, niece and nephew. My family is not supportive of my viewpoint.

Thanks so much to you both! I am going to look through this material..I really appreciate the encouraging words and experiences. I'm looking forward to making some progress here! I'm sorry other people have to go through this too, but it's a purpose for us--the ability to understand others with similar experiences. I can't think of any other reason why we would have to. 

Hi, Everyone,

I'm so grateful to find this board. I only within the last year recognized that this is my experience, rather than simply severe depression, anxiety and the occasional suicidal thoughts. I've read Pete Walker's first book, and part of the second one.

I grew up with a heavy duty BPD mom, although undiagnosed. She has never set foot in therapy (that is for weak people). She was verbally, emotionally, and physically very abusive, for starters. I was not allowed a thought or feeling, to show emotions, to be myself, wear my choice of clothes, close my door, go to or have sleepovers, or do activities I wanted to do. I was often slapped or whipped for reasons of which I did not know, or for having a "look". Currently, she is just manipulative, intrusive, has no boundaries, critical, and gets her jabs in whenever she can. I am very LC, and the only reason not NC, is I have a young niece and nephew involved who I feel that would complicate and alienate myself from them.

Dad was in the home but very passive and mostly absent. We had a talk recently and he claims he never realized she was abusive, although I specifically remember him being there, watching, and doing nothing. He is now, in his second marriage, off the charts NPD, but that is another story.

The way this effects me now is I am middle aged, depressed, very insecure, and love people who don't love me back. I can easily have an anxiety attack over something benign when it pertains to these people. In my twenties, I blew past my issues with constant involvement in travel, absorbing myself in work and partying. Now, I am exhausted of all of that, work from home, am broke, have no relationship, and fight depression. I feel myself spiraling more and more into isolation because it's just more comfortable. I don't really want to be this way, and I am sure many others don't see me this way(my older friends), but I feel a bit out of control of my depressive episodes and anxiety attacks. I also am compelled to drink and fight this a lot.

I feel like C-PTSD describes me perfectly. I am hoping to gain some skills in this area. I have spent some time in therapy, in recovery, reading, researching, etc etc.. I feel as though I should have a handle on this by now. I am also working on DBT activities on my own and trying to work on these things, but at the same time, I encounter triggers with my mom(minimal contact), my dad and family members who don't understand why I have withdrawn more and more. I feel like I am pushing current friends away inadvertently, spiraling out of control.