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Over the last few years I have developed Psoriasis. I have tried nutrition and even more extreme ways of thinking I could rid myself of "skin" issues, like long term juice and water fasting. I have slathered with coconut oil, gone to acupuncture, and started eating an all plant based diet a year ago. Yet my Psoriasis continues to worsen.

I did go to the doctor and also a dermatologist who prescribed a cream and said keep lotion on it.

From what I have read, it is not a skin problem but autoimmune. And recently I read where psoriasis is a "mystery" to doctors, but is believed to be caused by stress and trauma. Has anyone here read this or experienced this? I've had a particularly stress-filled couple of years related to going NC and realizing and remembering a lot of trauma, and dealing with the complete and utter gas lighting and alienation of the family, twisted around on me of course. I have had bouts of suicidal thoughts and total shut-down, barely making it through my stay at home job.

Has anyone cured themselves of psoriasis? Being that I'm wanting to start dating at some point, I'm not feeling too attractive being that it is all over my neck, and well, "other" parts that I would not want anyone to see.

I've been NC with uNPD/BPDm for a while now, and could sense another hoover coming on. Sure enough, I got the text. Every time I get one of these my heart rate goes way up, I am tempted to write a letter (sometimes I do, but keep it to myself), and I ponder if I really should talk to her ever again or not. It is definitely a situation I can't see ever being resolved.

Meanwhile, I am anxious about situations within my job role, and feel I could easily be let go based on lower performance lately, due to my depression and CPtsd, which they know nothing about. Oftentimes I can't sleep all night, and then I get a very late start on work (I work from home online). We are not allowed to make our own schedule though. I'd love to be the creator of my own job, in a creative field. I am very hard on myself for feeling like a failure in that area, as well as tolerating staying in this position of high stress and low pay. I have abilities, but have never been able to figure out how to make it happen. Now I'm just confused about what I want to do and feel too depressed to make a move.

Meanwhile still, I am awaiting lab results on what I am almost positive is going to be a terrifying result based on my own horrible choices. Choices I made out of self-doubt and while drinking.  I am very worried about this. My heart is pounding out of my chest at the moment and I have what I believe to be a rational fear about this result, and then put it together with a less rational fear that I may lose my job and insurance. I know in my heart I am not the person that was aloof about my health and mental well-being, but then again, I did it to myself so I guess I AM that person.

My sense of self, any sense of passion for life or motivation has been gone for a while now, but now feeling a lot of fear about just the basics of life, and a lot of sadness and grief where letting go of my family is concerned. I've been waking up in panic attack mode in the night and recognize it as emotional flashback. I am usually not this big of a mess, but I do think a lot of it is my CPTSD talking. I feel very horrible that I was once a capable, healthy, motivated person who had underlying troubles to now an isolated, stuck middle-ager with a multitude of health problems, unmotivated, helpless feeling lump in my chest. I don't know what to do, and therapy is just money spent that doesn't result in any real help. I sound and feel very whiney right now, and I appreciate anyone who made it this far who let me vent. I definitely feel like I have to hide these feelings and realities and have to put on a happy face for those in my life and at work. I'm so tired.

Thanks so much, keep fighting.  Your kids' MD breakfast to you sounds so sweet. I was fortunate to have had a wonderful, mutual relationship with my dad's mother, and consider her my 'real' mother, because she did see me and loved me unconditionally. She died two years ago, and my mom has let it be known how she didn't like her and how my GM "didn't rescue her" and didn't want to spend time with us kids. That's not true because I did spend time with her, we all went over there every Sunday for many years, and I spent the night many times by myself. My GM always seemed thrilled to be with me and made things special.. My mom resents her for having her own life, just as she does me. Poor mom, someone didn't run to her rescue because life was so HARD with us awful kids, who were quiet, made straight A's, did as we were told, tip-toed around and played in our rooms.

Wow, 14 years.Part of me wants to think I can become more zen about it all and be around her without her bothering me eventually, but, she has shown me over and over again that any time I'm around her she finds a way to get in her digs, at the minimum, and anything else ranging up to verbal, emotional, psychological abuse. Maybe the zen thing is staying away. She is a covert N and BPD, undiagnosed of course because she's too good for therapy. Now I realize all the times I was left with a knot in my stomach and scratching my head, that was part of her plan, or at least part of her scheme to make me feel bad and therefore boost her ego.

NC is a welcome shift. I swear if I never saw her again that would be ok with me. She will surely text or call, and I think the hard part right now will be not responding. It's hard to see it as a good thing not to respond, but then, that is taking care of myself by not putting myself in the situation to be abused, right? She will whine and play the victim in front of her enH, and my interaction will just add to it. so no. I KNOW she will send the flying monkeys and totally smear me. But then hey, she has always smeared me, even to my face, so what's new?

The thing my mom should know, and may keep her from smearing me TOO much to her H, is that I have a huge piece of information she has threatened me not to share with him about her former relationships. I have kept her secret, but have felt icky having to do so. I actually really like my step dad and think he's too good of a man to have a secret like that kept from him. I guess she's fine with her husband being a sucker. So now, if she wants to make him think badly of me, she should know I can tell him her secret at the drop of a hat. So I have a bit of leverage where smear campaign is concerned. 

I really think after this year my anxiety about it will decrease. I KNOW in my heart I deserve better now. I have been wrong to be living under the veil of her hatred of me all this time. No more.

I don't see a current topic about "Mother's Day", a.k.a. some Hallmark Holiday BS, but even though I know it's crap, and I am SO relieved to have gone NC (4 weeks now), I am feeling more and more sold and happy about being NC, and have at times felt just fine about any reaction my BPD mom might have about Mother's Day (and I know she will, which will probably be in the form of smear campaign and hysterics of some sort), I am fighting the urge to tell her to "diffuse" the shock of the NC. (Here I am being co-dependent again).

I know NC is good for me. I am working on things for myself, learning to love myself more, staying away from ALL people who don't treat me well, or who don't "see" me. She is the queen of that. It feels good to not be engaged with her. A HUGE relief. Yet, I am feeling stress about mother's day, and was awake most of the night ruminating on all the reasons why it's "ok" that I not participate this year. I CAN'T go now. I've already set the precedent and going back on it would only feel like I was wimping out of my resolve and going back to my old ways of just getting the obligatory BS over with. I want the days of going against my gut to be over with, and I think it starts here, hard as it is.

It really sucks your sister did that, and that it is "just her personality". Sounds like if that is the case that she may not be a healthy person for you to be around after all. She sounds really mean and spiteful. 

I have recently started steering clear of a "friend" of mine after learning that he does not talk to his sister or brother, because of "some accusations they made of his dad (sexual abuse)". I could not believe that he would be so unsupportive as to go NC with them for 20 years, but that is the case, because he says even if his dad did something to them when they were young, why are they bringing it up now (in their 20's). I explained to him how that could be, and he just slammed his mind shut and was having none of it. I guess my point is, that level of invalidation has no place in a happy, functional relationship.

Thanks, Cat and Wolf

Cat, yeah, in the past, there have been hoovers, and using my words against me. Even when I would try totally validating her and humbling myself to my "mistakes", hoping that would "work"..I think in the past she was totally more intense in denying her role in my upbringing. It seems like she, through dealing with the last months of her own mother's alzheimer's-riddled life, that MAYBE she is trying to, in her own way, bring peace to the situation with her and me. That, OR she is trying to get validation that she is indeed a good mother, and wants to hear me say all is forgiven and she is off the hook. I actually WANT to be able to say that, and I think for the distant past stuff I can (mostly), even though she has admitted, say, ONE thing she has ever done, when it was extreme abuse on a regular basis. But it's the current lack of validation, undermining comments that she will deny and blame on me, if I bring that up. I am assuming based on the past.

Wolf, I do think at this time it is all about her. I could actually go into the conversation with that in mind. It just gets hard when in the throes of emotion sticking with the "program" of boundaries and not allowing her to hurt me.

I'm not sure what doing this in public or with a T would solve. It may suck to be alone, but at least she would be honest and I could go from there, if NC is where it needs to be. She can be total witch, queen or waif, depending on the situation. I tend to shut down and not say what I "should", need or want to say when she starts escalating her BS. I shut down, and she thinks she has "won". She MUST be in control. I don't think that will change (at least in her mind. I know she is not in control, neither of me, or of her mind.)

At this point, I have not answered her and don't know how I will. I don't think denying her the "talk" will solve anything moving forward. I'm not really wanting to go NC because I don't want to make things uncomfortable for my sister, niece an nephew, if I can help it. I also am very wary and fearful that this so-called talk to solve things could do more harm than good.

Well, as I had explained in a post a couple of weeks ago, I finally told my mom how I feel (well, a small part), and she had offered to "see a therapist" with me, which some of you helped me hash out that that would be a bad idea,due to experience having taught me about the denial and manipulation which would surely take place.

I have not talked to my mom since then, but now she sent a text saying she wants to come to my town (a rarity) and hash out any hurts between us..then proceeds to say how it's just too upsetting for her to recall and admit things she has done in the past, and once she starts crying she can't stop, etc..

It seems to me in her mind it is still all about her. Part of me wants to tell her EXACTLY and ALL of what I want to say. The other doesn't want her to come and knows how we will be in a room alone, and things will get said that she will deny and turn around on me. Maybe I am saying that out of fear of what might happen, but it seems she only pulls her shenanigans when we are alone.

I don't do well talking to her anyway. It is engrained in me not to, and to not say how I feel. Even in other relationships, it's like I freeze when important, self-preserving things need to be said. However, this could be a chance to stand up to that fear, and for myself. I am sure she will be all waif-y, and then have the fact that "she tried" to use against me. I might sound harsh but only going by past experience.

I don't know. I am seriously concerned about how this is bound to go, but at least my mom is making SOME sort of effort to try to resolve something, and did make the above admission, which she has never done. She has stated not that long ago that she did not own anyone an apology, and that she has already been forgiven by God, the only one that matters. 

Has anyone just stated the facts of how your PD has effected your life to your PD? That seems to be a bad idea...

 

Good ones! I think it would be fun to make some "Jack Handey" style scenes with some of these quotes for FB, or maybe even t-shirts. Thanks, Cat

I think it's for these reasons I do mostly just act like all is fine and I am "happy". I can't be real with anyone I know without immediately getting one of these quotes, and then I am triggered and feel shame that I "should" be able to apply this quote like everyone else. I can't stand looking at FB for this reason, too.

I have recently said something to a family member, tried to explain how a quote was just a quick answer to a complicated situation, and how much I dislike those kinds of quotes, and they actually got mad and defended their cliche approach and shamed me for being so "negative and not just "sucking it up." I've even been accused of not being spiritual because I questioned a "quote" as valid.

I'm glad others find these things as super-annoying as I do, because I have felt very alone in this. It's hard for me to believe that cliche quote loving people are just fine with tearing down another person while thinking they are so superior (is there a quote for that?)

I definitely recognize that I self-soothe with alcohol. The thing is, when I was younger, drinking too much at times was one more reason for me to shame myself and feel "guilt". I spent time in AA, and although it was helpful at the time, started feeling like I was not so much an addict as someone who always felt guilt about things and felt guilt about alcohol. I do drink now, but if I catch myself feeling guilty about it, I stop. (Weirdness? Maybe.) The thing is, I enjoy alcohol, and hated not being able to drink it in "fun" situations. I still get the stigma repercussions from people who know I was in AA. I don't enjoy that. But then, I drink on most nights, between 3-4 drinks..that is probably too much. However, it DOES make me feel better, especially in times of higher anxiety. And sometimes it's fun. My latest alcohol weirdness is I have really become a lot healthier, food-wise, and I have cut out "toxic" drinks with dubious ingredients, only sticking with craft beers and organic wines. That may be delving into other neuroses, but I do feel better about it 

The few times I have smoked pot, it just makes me fall asleep, so I have never seen it as fun or a good way to self-soothe for me, although I think it is probably healthier than alcohol overall, and I believe it should be legal. I don't react well to smoke, either inhaled or second hand. I was around several people smoking pot last night and I was slightly high the whole time. And sleepy.lol

Welcome, Aryianna!

I too am new here, and am finding a lot of great information and support here.   

Anniegirl, ever since I read this, I keep thinking of it, and thinking gosh, it is uncanny how many of us have these same experiences. It's almost like they have the same cache of behaviors and responses they pull as as a desperate effort to control our thoughts and actions. It's sort of unoriginal, isn't it.

I think this resonates so strongly with me because my mom was so controlling in every way for as long as she could be. Now that I am older and far more distant, these sorts of comments seem to be her last ditch effort at controlling me. She not only wants to be totally abusive, but then control my thoughts about her abuse. Well, sorry mom. You can't. They just make it worse and more obvious by doing this. I bought into her tactics for so long..It still makes me angry to get these sorts of comments from her, and I can logically think it through, but it is hard. It's hard to think your mother can't have compassion or show love to her daughter. It helps me to know and accept that as fact, though.

The other thing about it that bothers me, is she brings up this very topic in various ways OFTEN..like she is going to drive the point home that the past is the past and I need to forgive and forget, and she does not need to recognize or apologize. She brings up these topics regularly. She brought it up the other day (in a disguise of it being about my grandmother). I said, well mom, do you think it would have helped you if she would have recognized she did something to hurt you and actually apologized for it? She immediately SNAPPED that she "doesn't OWE me an apology or anything else! She is right with god, and if I have an imagined problem with her then I need to just get over it." That is what she took away from the conversation which was about HER and her own mother. So, I now know with 100% no doubt that it is strongly in her mind and in the forefront that she does not OWE me any sort of recognition or apology on any level. That coming from a heavy-duty abuser. Thanks for the support mom! Lovely!

I echo what you have all said. Rrecovery, that is it in a nutshell for me. I get shaky, racing thoughts, racing heartbeat. Insomnia with all of the above. Major toxic shame attacks, suicidal ideation, very tense and withdraw until it goes away. Then feel wiped out, hopeless.

Marycontrary,
I have had the same experience, and am constantly doing and trying natural, homeopathic, herbal, acupuncture approaches, all of which help, but are costly. What are some things that work for you? I eat healthy, exercise, but still experience many bouts of depression, sometimes severe. The meds only numbed me out, and I cannot think of damaging my liver and other organs with medications any more than I already have. I would rather be depressed than that toxic. Although, I am always trying to find what works best. What are your thoughts?

Anne- yep. That sounds like my mom's style. She always bring up that kind of topic and comments. They obviously know what they have done, but rather than identify and apologize for even one thing, specifically, they spin it around like poor them, it's out job to "let it go", even if we have not even mentioned it in decades.. Yes, this sort of thing is why I am very very low contact with my mom. I would love to be NC, but have not had the courage, and/or wanted t cause strife with sister, niece and nephew. My family is not supportive of my viewpoint.