Jazzy's Journal: Omega

[Jazzy]

I was just laying on the floor to brush the cats, as kneeling is too much for me right now. My back hurts so much I could barely get up. It took a few minutes before I was able to pull myself up.

I'm very proud and happy about this though. Many of those nerves were declared "dead", but now they are coming back to life! It is a good, healing pain.

There is a particular spot under my right shoulder blade which has been bothering me recently, because I've felt it going from "mostly numb" to "completely numb" quite a few times over the past month or so.

It was one of the spots that was hurting the worst tonight, which is so much better than numb.

I've really had to tone things down physically, which is challenging mentally, but this is good healing. My sub-conscious mind must have been ready. I'm glad it knows what's going on, because it makes better decisions than I ever could logically. 

[Armadillo]

I love that you found a way to break down the process of working on your spine and pain and numbness so it feels a bit more manageable. And I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that the Canadian Healthcare System comes through for you on this. You deserve treatment and relief. It's really exciting and encouraging that you are starting to feel things where it once was numb. I wish it were not so painful though.

[Jazzy]

Armadillo:

Thank you for your continued support.

You're right, I do deserve proper treatment. That is still difficult for me to truly believe, so I appreciate the reminder.

Thank you for wishing it was not so painful, I appreciate that. I believe the reason you wish that is because you don't want me to suffer.

However I am not suffering. I have suffered from pain my entire life, because that pain was due to damage being caused, while there was no hope of healing. This is healing pain where damage is being reversed, so I happy to feel it.

Not only does it feel good to heal (I know pain feeling good is a strange concept, but it's true!), but I believe it is important for my physical mind to gain experience with healing pain, instead of all of the experience being with damaging pain.

<3 Jazzy

[Armadillo]

That makes sense, 100% Jazzy

I forgot to ask you YOUR favorite color for your name . 😳 And I have to admit the visual parts of my brain don't work well so it's hard for me to imagine how you can connect our name and colors and remember them. But it really shows how thoughtful you are. Thank you for using turquoise for me.

Is it ok for me to wish then that the good pain transforms soon into just straight feeling GOOD? You're right that the pain is positive. But also, pain is uncomfortable, too, and I wish for you to feel not numb, not pain, but good.

[Jazzy]

Thank you so much Armadillo, I really appreciate that.

I'm not sure what my favourite colour is. I like all of the base colours, more so green and purple than the reds and oranges. However I find the tone (shade?) to be more important to me. I'm not too sure about all of the artistic terms, as I was never taught them.

So I will take inspiration from my avatar. I must like the colours a lot since I chose it to represent myself. I see they are primarily gold. So let's try "Heart Gold", colour code #736f13.

I'm sorry to hear that the visual parts of your mind are not working as well as you would like yet. From what I read in your journal, your mind is very busy dealing with many other things. I'm sure the visual and other parts of your mind will improve when you find some peace and quiet for them to learn.

I would love to be able to memorize all of the colour codes so easily, but I have my own struggles still. So for now, I have made notes in a text document on my PC. It only takes a few extra seconds to copy and paste from the document to the website here. It also gives me the opportunity to re-read it each time, building that association in to memory.

Your note says:
Armadillo: #40E0D0 : Medium Turquoise

You're welcome for using Turquoise. There are a number of shades of Turqoise, so I  picked Medium. If there is another one you would prefer, please just let me know.

That is a great wish, thank you! The transformation you mention is already happening, and will be complete when I finish healing. 

I will feel good without pain or numbness in the not so distant future, but first I have 35 years of damage to heal from.

[Jazzy]

I just got back from a walk where I kept my lower spine correctly rotated for most of it. The walk was shorter and slower than normal, but that's fine. I'd rather do it properly than not, even if it takes a bit longer.

I've been putting a lot of work in to improving my spine and related problems. I am happy to be seeing good results already. For example, I have now straightened up enough to be able to sleep on my back. I have wanted to sleep on my back for my entire life, but I have never been able to do so.

Most of the time I have been curled up on my side. I'm not sure if it was quite "the fetal position", but it was close. I expect that was from the nightmares every night of my childhood. I wonder if it goes back further as well, like the eating problems.

I think this will help a lot. Instead of being curled up and twisted for hours every night, I am now much straighter. I suspect that may help more than what I do throughout the day.

I am struggling to acknowledge and appreciate the time and effort I am putting in to this though. I'm sure most of the reason is because my parents completely neglected it. My grandfather did notice my posture has never been good from time to time when I was a child, but he angrily barked at me to "keep your chin up", instead of helping fix the underlying problems.

Of course I did what I was told, as difficult as it was. Unfortunately this only made it worse because my chin already was up, the problem was in my spine. Now on top of everything else, I need to learn to keep my neck straight, which means holding my lower neck up and my chin down compared to how I normally do.

This is frustrating but I'm glad to see the positive results already, and I'm proud that I am still working through it despite how challenging it is.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate the effort it takes to adjust how our bodies are positioned.  It does take time and patience.  I am glad you are noticing differences.  I think the most importance thing is your awareness of what feels most right for your body which you are discovering. 

[Jazzy]

Thank you so much for your appreciation and positivity RainyDiary!

I agree, it is extremely important to be aware of what feels right for me. I'm hesitant to work with a chiropractor or physical therapist, because I'm afraid they will go too quickly and snap things back in to place.

I'm sure that's fine for a lot of people, but it doesn't feel right for me. I would still like a professional opinion though, so I am going ahead with my Dr. appointment.

[Jazzy]

I don't know the proper terms, but I believe my right arm has been hyper-extended for many years, and perhaps my shoulder has not been in it's socket correctly?

I'm not sure how, but I have been reaching so incredibly far and that part of my body has a very strange alignment. Once I noticed, I was immediately concerned about how unnatural and unhealthy it is. I could have severely hurt myself trying to lift too much weight like that. I don't know how I haven't already. It's a good thing I'm so weak for now.

I'm making it a point not to extend so much, which is so much more comfortable. Not stretching so far out of position is really helping to align things as well.

[Jazzy]

I just woke up from a nap and am feeling so much better now! I was hesitant to take this nap, considering I slept about 10 hours last night, but clearly I needed more rest, so I'm glad I did.

This is a massive difference from the days before I realized my skeletal system was so misaligned. I was sleeping about 5 hours per night, while working out 2-3 times per day. Sometimes I would take a nap if needed, which seemed fine as 5 hours is a bit short, I believe.

I must be doing so much more work by "just" trying to improve my alignment/posture. Sleeping for literally double the amount of time is a huge change.

My grandfather would say something like I'm "wasting all day playing video games". While I have been spending a lot of time playing video games, I am holding my posture better, which is painful and exhausting.

From what my body is telling me, my grandfather and anyone who shares his opinion, is quite ignorant, so I should not pay them any heed. I feel very encouraged by this, and I believe it will make it easier to continue on.

[Jazzy]

A few days ago when I was feeling very down, I went shopping at the grocery store. I needed all of the encouragement I could get so I just kept doing things to help me feel better about myself.

While I was at the store, I saw a woman about my own age who really caught my attention. I noticed she had a lot of experience on her face; she seemed stressed. I didn't fully understand this at the time, so I continued on with my shopping.

A while later we crossed paths again, as she walked in front of me while I was looking at something on the shelf. On her way by she mumbled "sorry sir", with her head low. This really confused me, because I am not much older than her, probably not any older at all. On top of this, almost no one calls me sir.

After a moment of reflection, I decided that the reason which she called me sir is because she noticed the effort I was putting in to improving my posture, which felt very encouraging. However my sub-conscious mind knew better, and didn't let it go.

On my walk home I realized that it (mentally) wasn't a grown woman in the grocery store who had mumbled "sorry sir", it was likely a young girl who had a child hood of never living up to her father's strict, and likely wrong, expectations.

I feel very badly that I let her pass while being triggered by seeing me without saying something helpful. I understand that I have my own things to deal with, which prevented me from acting in a timely manner, but it is still difficult to accept that. Days later, I am still thinking about it quite often.

I hope that soon I will be doing well enough that I can recognize this sort of situation immediately and be able to act on it at an appropriate time. Perhaps I will even see the same woman again some day. It would be nice to know she is doing okay.

[Not Alone]

Jazzy, I appreciate that you regret that you didn't say something to the woman in the grocery store. I would like to affirm and encourage your attunement to her and others. Not everyone is aware of others or even cares.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Notalone! Your words mean so much to me.

That compassion and empathy for others is so important. It is very helpful that you express positive feedback towards my attempts to foster and grow it in my life. 

[Jazzy]

I ran in to the neighbour again today when I was coming home from another walk. Thankfully the walk was easier today than it was yesterday.

Yesterday I felt like she was avoiding me, today I am sure. She was out working on her front porch, and as I walked up on to my porch she went inside and closed the door firmly. While this is somewhat selfish of me, I am very happy to see it.

Since she stood me up so rudely, I have been avoiding her, because she hurt me. Along with everything else I've been working on, I've been making it a point to push through the hurt and enjoy being outside, instead of suffering cooped up in the house trying to avoid her.

I am glad I am succeeding, and I am feeling more confident seeing her avoid me. This tells me that she knows she has done wrong. Perhaps not logically, but sub-consciously at least. She is the one who treated me badly, so it is appropriate that she is the one to be avoidant and to suffer the consequences of her own actions!

This really isn't an easy topic, but I'm learning. I'm glad I can still make progress with the stress and physical pain I am under right now. 

[CactusFlower]

Jazzy, it's great that you're choosing your love of the outdoors over this woman's reaction. If she can't deal with it, that's on her. I think there's a lot of us that would probably feel a bit of "Ha! take that!" in a similar situation. Maybe it isn't selfishness so much as pride in your self-confidence?

As for the lady in the grocery store, if that's a store you use often, you never know. You might see her again. Strangely, the grocery store we use that isn't the closest one to our place, I've seen my nice landlord in 3 or 4 times now, ha ha. I hope she finds whatever help she needs too. Who knows, maybe you were the universe's way of waking her up to say "gosh, I reacted like that to a total stranger, maybe I should look into this." I know I'm putting a probably overly positive spin on things, but I do like to at least hope for the best. May your walks be pleasant, sunny, and fresh!