FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Moondance]

I heard someone say "a hardened mountain" and then wrote this poem. I want to record it in my journal.

I stand alone
It's my choice
I'm like a hardened mountain
A solid rock, without movement
Inside or out
Not giving in
I'm also like a rugged tree
Affected by the winds, the storms,
The breezes, the whispers,
The rain.
The inhabitants
How does a hardened mountain soften?
How does a rugged tree survive
The elements?
Perhaps by reaching for heights unknown
Standing tall
Allowing the land to provide
All that is needed.
It's my choice

[rainydiary]

Moondance, thank you for sharing the poem.

[Moondance]

I read the following on a site, don't remember which one.  But I thought of you all when I read it.

*******

Some of the kindest souls

I know have lived in a world that was not so kind to them.  Some of the best human beings I know have been through so much at the hands of others, and they still love deeply, they still care.  Sometimes, it's the people who have been hurt the most who refuse to,be hardened in this world,  because they would never want to make another feel the same way they have felt. If that isn't something to be in awe of, I don't know what is.

Bianca Sparacino

[sanmagic7]

moondance, it reminds me of the people here, the ones who chose to be caring and loving and compassionate ins spite of what they went thru.  our abusers took the other route.  it's beyond my understanding, but i guess some of it is due to human nature, brain chemistry . . . i don't know.  i just know it's real, and this forum is living proof of it.  thanks for being here.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Thank you Rainydiary and Sanmagic7.

 

[Moondance]

Yeah well I struggle with lots of things but major depression/anxiety, of course CPTSD and ADD.

Today is my birthday. I really do not want to celebrate.  I feel shame and guilt for feeling this way.  I resent being born.  Saying that goes against any beliefs I did have when living in the positive, when living a better life shall we say.   That seems so long ago now.

There is nowhere else I can really talk about this, say how I really feel.  And I don't want to erase or delete it.  I want to own me going forward. The good, the bad and the ugly. Well here at least I want to be authentic to myself. 

I don't think I can move forward if I don't.  Keeping in mind of course to not dwell in it.

Geez there I go already. The thoughts of what I should do, want to do, how I should feel, want to feel or allow myself to feel and acknowledge.

It feels like my adult self says, no no you should not feel this way, it's negative, non-productive, depressing to others - get over it and deal with it.  My little child says, even saying that bring strong emotional pain, she wants acceptance and love exactly where she is at, lumps and bumps and all.  She wants to be held and cared for.  I recall thinking and feeling this always. That I just want to go somewhere where I can be looked after.
 
I stopped typing and went somewhere after writing that.


I would like to be present here as much as possible so I will stop journaling for now.

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I am celebrating your birth and also understand the struggle about birthdays.  I appreciate you reflecting here and sharing it all. 

[Moondance]

Thank you Rainydiary

[sanmagic7]

 

[Moondance]

Thank you Sanmagic7 

***********

I am frustrated, overwhelmed and angry.

I saw my doctor today.  I made the appointment for a couple of reasons.  I needed a form filled out, prescriptions, physio referral, referral re skin issues,
Referral for psychiatrist.

1.  Form was filled out but probably will not be effective as she is not trauma I informed.  I think she thinks I'm well enough to work. I got upset in the office and swore that nobody really understands.  I was having difficulty getting Any words out and then swore.

In hindsight I should have said I do not feel you understand CPTSD and uts effects on a person.  That did not seem to be an option at the time.

Before I bring any forms to her I fill out as best and as much as I can.  Some of the questions have answers to pick from - no limitations, some limitations, very limited capacity. 

For example

Mental functions necessary for everyday life...

Perception of reality - distinguishing reality from delusions and hallucinations.

I pre-filled out with answer - some limitations distinguishing reality from delusions because I feel I do.  She said no, you have no limitations and then said you are not schizophrenic are you.    

Pretty sure that set me off and was unable to respond to that.    The thing is if she knew anything about
CPTSD she would know that some symptoms of schizophrenia are similar to CPTSD.


2.  I did get prescriptions.  She asked if they were working. I said yes but really if I am struggling this much perhaps not.     I really need to see a psychiatrist to assess that and see regularly.  She said this will be very difficult.  I requested suggestions, she did not have any suggestions.  She said it would be a long wait.  After a few minutes, I was able to say please put me on the list. Better to start waiting now that 3 or 6 or 9 mths down the road.    It's already been over a year since last phone appointment with psychiatrist.

3.  She did provide a physio referral.

4.  She will refer me to a skin doctor, I can't remember the correct name at the moment.  I want to get this post out.


Also my appointment was at a specific time.  There was 1 patient ahead when I walked in.  I do not know what time her appointment was but when the doc came out she said I will see her first, before you. When she said that I took it to mean, at the time, that I was next but she would see her first which really upset me as this is not the first time she has seen another patient before me. 
 
It is possible though that their appointment was booked for a time prior to mine.  I really don't know that for sure but then why would she say, I will see this patient first.

Even though I'm no longer meeting with T because insurance company is not funding any further therapy I think I will email her and ask her to fill out this form.  It's an important document for disability tax credit so just a bit important that it be filled with an understanding about my disability.  Geez whizzzzzz

Well at least I have it recorded should I need it

Now I am exhausted 

[sanmagic7]

dealing with uninformed professionals about trauma and c-ptsd is exhausting.  and frustrating.  and disheartening.  many of us have similar experiences when trying to get help to make us more functional in the world.  it sounded rude to me, moondance, the part about trying to 'diagnose' you when that's not her field. and, by the by, i also find it difficult to keep my cool when talking to these types of people.

so we learn, prepare, and be more ready for the next time.  i think it's a good idea to get your former T to fill out that form.  being a professional seems to hold more weight for these people. please be gentle w/ yourself, ok?  love and hugs

[Moondance]

I feel retraumatized when I see her. I think I need to look for another doctor. One that is informed.

Why do i get so angry that now i have a desire to retaliate?
I was never like that before.  In the past i have always just done nothing, didn't feel angry, I would just let it go.  Yesterday I was thinking that I will go back to her office and drop off some CPTSD information for her. And now I'm thinking I could Google a review but that would be for all to see wouldn't it.  I certainly can't do that.
 
I'm feel that since I crashed and am off work I have been (like many of us) bullied, lied to, gaslighted
Etc, etc, by insurance and doctors including psychologist.  With the exception of my current T, well was my T because insurance has cut that off.  They are not helping with the healing process.  I should (adult self) think of this as an opportunity to work on healing.  My little child says no, I really don't want to.

After I've settled I will regroup but yes San it is definitely disheartening.

[Moondance]

My dear friend, I will call him A moved back after being away for several years. 

We have known each other for 30 + years. The only friend I have ever had really. 

The plan, years ago was that A would always have a place to live when he came back.

It has been almost a year since A's return. 

At one time we were a couple, for a short while until I got triggered and I dissociated. I was not able to sustain an intimate relationship with him. Actually I was 32 yrs old at the time so 30 yrs ago, wow.

At that time I blamed him, it was his fault because of his behaviour I thought.  I know see things or have a better idea of what was happening back then now that I know a bit more about CPTSD.  I kept getting EF's and was triggered, unbeknownst to me at the time.

In short my fears, abandonment issues, attachment and relational issues were rampant even then.

When we were a couple A's son/girlfriend had a daughter.  They were really young and so A and I almost always spent precious time with GD (granddaughter) every weekend.  I feel I was super blessed in so many ways because of this relationship. And that even after we were no longer a couple I continued to spent time with her on the weekends.  A would often come over every weekend and we were all still very close. Well as close as I could/would allow I guess.

All to say there is a lot of history there.  When A decided to live his dream - sail the world my world fell apart.  Again I wasn't aware of that at that time but looking back felt they were my family,  My FOO were rarely in the picture.  And if they were it was almost always chaos, dysfunctional, etc etc.  So anyway when he left, GD was entering young adulthood and the visits, time spent together were few.  So I felt abandoned by both even though in my mind I understood the why's of what was happening.  At the time I gave the appearance and would say things to reflect I was dealing with it in a mature way.  But the body keeps the score doesn't it. It did have a big effect on me though and I think it still does. I feel a deep sadness about it all.  Thinking about it fills my eyes and makes my heart ache.  Grieving it, processing it will help me be better when I'm with them.  Currently it affects how I am with them.  Not only do i feel a deep sadness but I feel resentful, I feel disappointed and sometimes angry at the situation.  Part of the anger is about A coming back not entirely well.  He has difficulty with memory and he is 76 now.  I'm having to look after him in some ways. I looked after financial matters whilst he was away and continue to do that.  I look after meals and I sometimes think I'm not doing a great job at that.  I am conscious that he needs healthy meals but I often don't want healthy meals for myself.  A bit of a struggle for me there.  I feel shorted I guess.  And also think geez I'm in no shape myself to look after someone else when I can barely look after me.  It all seems to much at times.

I love both of them dearly and would do anything for them regardless of how I feel at times.

A bought a motorbike, a 3 wheeled bike.  Probably the only fun thing I have done in some time.  I'm not,able to get on it whilst he drives because I know of his memory issues, attention span, etc etc or naybe it's just I need to have control.  A is kind,patient and understanding so he let's me drive as he sits in the back seat.  He is so tolerant of me and all my stuff.

Which brings me to the reason I mention all this.  He left yesterday on a bike trip with his bro and I have been feeling the usual way - fearful he doesn't want
To live here with me anymore for all kinds of reasons, all my fault and shortcomings are the reasons. I am getting tired, exhausted with this roller coaster.  He has reassured me numerous times but, as some of you know, it doesn't seem to change how I'm feeling or my beliefs of how unworthy I am of anything. 

I would like a brand new heart and head and body now that I mention it.  I'm exhausting myself.

[Moondance]

I was able to get a massage today for the first time in 2 1/2 years.

I was embarrassed because I'm in such bad shape/so tense and really haven't done any self care.

She suggested restorative yoga and I will look into that.

[rainydiary]

I am getting a massage tomorrow and it will be my first one in a while. 

I find that massage can be really supportive with the right massage therapist otherwise I don't like it.

I hope that you find things that help you feel your body the way you want to.