Berceuse's journal

[Blueberry]

Berceuse, I don't think you're being rude at all. You're just telling it like it is. You're letting us in on your thoughts.

I agree with DecimalRocket, go at your own pace. 

[berceuse]

Thank you Decimalrocket and Blueberry,

I guess I just needed to slow down. I will take it step by step. Relations is one step further. Even thinking about feeling close is too much right now although I know I need it. For now, I will go on observing my thought patterns and triggers and get to know how this system works.

I finally started reading Pete Walker's book. I am a fawn-freeze and mainly a freeze type.

I am dealing with too much catastrophizing and what if thinking. I try validating those thoughts and saying ok thank you for your opinion as Sanmagic said. I think it works better. I even say outloud (whispering ) that I am thinking .... right now. It works. I feel I am determined to become more conscious.

I think angering will be a good nice step for me. I fantasize a lot about getting angry since forever because fantasizing was the only way for me to feel anger and many other emotions.  I have too much of that energy stuck inside. So, I decided to try kickbox and see what happens.

**When I was previewing I realized that thinking about feeling close is too much because my idea of being close is all * up. Carrying the emotional baggage of somebody and forgetting myself is a lot of work and of course, too much. So, for once in my life I will focus on what I feel, need and want. My priority is me. Then, I will be open for new relationships with healthy people. What I know as being close was just exploitation of my soul and energy.

[sanmagic7]

wow - that's one heckuva realization, berceuse!  congrats to you on that.  it sounds like the relationship you want to focus on is the one with your 'self'.  quite a wise choice, to my mind. 

can you feel too close to your 'self'?  is that scary at all, to think about you, your wants, likes, dislikes, needs, boundaries, etc?  again, i echo the others - even this relationship would be best served, i think, if you find a pace that suits you.  you don't have to do it all at once or right away. 

getting to know ourselves, who we are, who we want to be as people, can be an adventure.   it can also have ups and downs, but i believe that it's a way we find more personal power and control, something that we've often been robbed of.  i'm very glad for you that you came to this.  i'm kind of excited for you as well.

sending a hug full of encouragement and support.

[berceuse]

Thank you Sanmagic,

You always allocate your time and energy for me and many others in this forum. I appreciate it a lot but I feel it must be tiring. I hope you have enough time for yourself and I hope this is not a violation of your boundaries. I am quite confused about that subject.

I don't know if I can feel close to my self. The only thing I know I dissociate (daydreaming) and isolate more and more. Probably, I am trying to ignore or run away from a feeling. I don't know what it is.

The last time I really felt alive/awake/close to myself? was two weeks ago. I was eager to share it here but I couldn't. I think I was scared to feel close to people on this forum.

Still, it feels tiring to write more.

[DecimalRocket]

Take your time, Ber. Any spark of aliveness is a sign of hope to me. If you feel tired to write, feel free to take a break. This is your journal after all. You get to do what you want with it.

[berceuse]

Thank you Decimalrocket,

I don't know if I need a break or not. I think I am in a flashback for a while (don't know for how long) It feels timeless. Maybe it is related to black-white thinking. When I feel better I think I always was okey, I dont remember what was I worrying about so much, etc. Now, I am hopeless, exhausted and numb. All I want is to hear that today is the last day, it will be over soon. (salvation fantasy ?)

I remembered a time when I was lying in my bed (most probably I was 13 14, not sure ) and praying?, saying please, please, please, please over and over again. I remember how helpless I felt that begging for it to be over was my only choice.

It was in the past. I want to grieve but I lose touch with that emotions so easily. My eyes fill with tears for a moment and then like a broken wifi I keep disconnecting again and again.

The good thing is that I found great online sources incl. 25 lectures on youtube on the biology of human behavior by Robert Sapolsky (bio professor in Standford), his books can also be found online, and he puts stress on the effects of long-term stress and in some occasions childhood trauma.  I think understanding the roots of this programming on a scientific level will help a lot. I want to share it in resources some time if it is not recommended yet.

[DecimalRocket]

Yes, it can be tough to feel that way. Sometimes when I numb, there's a sort of timelessness feeling too. A weird feeling of emptiness that seems to stretch on forever.

I agree that scientific info can help. For me it allows me to understand the situation more and feel a little more forgiving to myself seeing that trauma is rooted in the brain.

Take care. 

[sanmagic7]

berceuse, this isn't a violation of my boundaries, responding to anyone.  no one can do that to me.  if i respond, it's by choice, and because i've decided i have enough energy to do so.  if i don't feel that energy, i don't respond.  so, no need to be concerned.  i'm very careful about it.

2 weeks ago you felt kind of close to yourself?  sounds like progress to me, and i congratulate you on it.  if it was there once, it'll show up again if you'll be open to it.  as far as not sharing it on the forum, that's your choice.  if you ever feel like it, if it ever feels like a good thing to do for whatever reason, you will.  when it doesn't, you won't.  no shame, no blame.  it's your recovery, and you get to do it any way you want.

thank you for your kind words and caring concern.  very special.  sending you a hug filled with whatever you need right now.

[berceuse]

Thank you Sanmagic and DecimalR,
It is because I have a fear that I am going to hurt somebody so bad when I speak. I will say the wrong thing and they will break into pieces. Of course, it is irrational. It is related to codependency, I think. Similarly, I think that I am responsible for taking care of sb in a relationship. When I fail my responsibilities, they will die or whatever. That's why I usually do the cooking and cleaning at home although I don't want to most of the time. I am living my sister who is an adult and I am pretty sure she can manage to meet her own needs and won't die of hunger if I don't cook.

This is not easy. I can't think clearly. It feels like I am running from one flashback to another. I don't feel safe here. Mother is not here but most of the furniture belongs to her. I am staying in her bed. Although she is not here, I totally feel like she is controlling me. I am isolating myself a lot. I feel the need to hide because of toxic shame. I am isolating myself at work because of the inner-outer critic loop and then of course the shame of my existence.

The good part I see that ruining inner system. It runs non-stop. I am trying to read and inform myself as best as I can. Though I feel like I lost my capacity to learn new things.

I probably need to think about moving out again. It is just to hard to have a free space to think, to thrive here. I just can't properly think because I am triggered all the time.

It is okay. This doesn't mean that I am stupid or lost my capacity to learn or experience new things. It is because I am probably stuck in that freeze response which has an emotional turmoil underneath it. So, it is natural that I am not open to process new information in this condition.

So, what can I do to stop this and function like a normal human being?

[sanmagic7]

i believe you already answered that question, berceuse.  it's so difficult when we're in a toxic situation to be able to think straight, look at and have the time and space to work on our issues, because we're always being hijacked to what was, and can't stay in what is.

if/when you can leave, i think you'll then realize fully the difference it makes.  when you're ready, sweetie.  i think these are some fine realizations for you.  it's a step, and a step means progress.  i hope you can give yourself some credit for that.  i sure do.

keep taking care of you as best you can, however that shakes out.  you'll get there.  and, yeah, it's ok to allow adults to find their way.  it's nothing less than what you've done for yourself.    big warm caring hug too you.

[berceuse]

I think it is what I need to do: to move out but the anxiety is getting worse and worse and I am afraid that I going to break down before I can do anything.

Yesterday, I couldn't find the energy to move my fingers or talk. I just lied in a paralysed state. I am just so overwhelmed. I need to keep on working because if I quit again, I will just add another problem and ruin my chances to move out. I am afraid to seek help and so exhausted to even try it.

I tell myself that this will past, it happened before and it will past but it is getting worse.

[sanmagic7]

honey, like wife2 says, breathe.  take one, then another, then a third deep, cleansing breath and let yourself calm down through them.  focus on something of yours that has a pleasant sensation or memory attached to it.  you will get thru this, of that i have no doubt.  you already know that. 

contemplating such a move can definitely be anxiety-provoking.  perhaps, concentrating on the small steps you'll need to take to make this move may help.  planning steps, preparation steps, gathering steps, and on and on until you're finally ready to take the final step of the move itself.  sometimes when we're focused on the big picture, it can become overwhelming, but when we break it down into its parts, it seems less intimidating.

standing right beside you as you go thru this.  it sounds like your first priority is to keep working, so that may be where you want to put your focus for now, and let the rest slide till you feel a bit more concrete in this area.   just a thought.  sending a big warm, loving hug to you.  you're not alone.

[berceuse]

Thank you Sanmagic

It was a flashback, this time I really understood that it was a flashback. The feelings of desparation that comes from finding no one to turn to, to talk; helplessness. It hurts a lot. It even hurts my body. It is the reason of waking up in the morning wanting to die.  All this suicidal ideation comes from what I felt as a child. I guess that's why I kept dreaming that my father will come and take me with him for years. He passed away when I was 6 but till highschool I kept on dreaming that he was alive and would come to take me.

[Blueberry]

It was a flashback, this time I really understood that it was a flashback.

Good for you! This realisation is progress 

From further up the thread:
"It is because I have a fear that I am going to hurt somebody so bad when I speak. I will say the wrong thing and they will break into pieces."

I used to have a similar fear about touching people, like taking someone's hand or helping somebody up or drying a toddler's feet, that I was going to hurt this person physically, immensely, just through my touch. Took a long time to get to the bottom of it, but it turned out to be a kind of projection maybe you could say. But also victim-perpetrator confusion. Because I was hurt physically by others growing up, I seemed to have absorbed the "fault" as usual. I was hurt, so I will hurt others. I'm a risk for others. Just wondering if it could be something like that going on for you too? Because you say you know it's irrational. I didn't even know that when I was still stuck in that mode.

[sanmagic7]

so very glad you were able to recognize it for what it was.  well done.

and, forward.   big hug.