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NarcKiddo, Little2Nothing, Blueberry, Hope and san, thank you so much for being here and understanding.  And anyone else who reads here, thank you, too!  I appreciate you all so very much   

I've been trying to write a post for ages and really struggling with words.  I was having some strange symptoms with my vision and having intense health paranoia as a result of that, irrationally fearing the very worst.  Well, yesterday I went to the eye doctor and found out that I have a detached retina in my left eye.  Which is scary, but not as scary as the stroke or brain tumour I was worrying about.  "Easily treatable", I'm told.  Easy for who, the doctor?  Doesn't sound like it will be very easy for me.  I'm having surgery tomorrow morning, which will be followed by a recovery period of unspecified length, at least one week, during which I will have to literally keep my head down.  As in, pointed towards the floor. I'm renting special furniture to keep my head in the correct position for sitting and sleeping.  Not sure how the rest of life will work with that.  I guess I'll find out.  It will take several weeks after that for my vision to return.  But again, at least it's not a stroke or a brain tumour or anything else permanently disabling, and my vision is expected to return.  I've handled my anxiety pretty well so far despite how big a fear and trigger the thought of losing my vision is for me.

So relieved to hear that you are on the mend!  Warm wishes for your continued recovery 

I don't know if there's a definitive answer on this.  I've heard between 1 and 3, between 2 and 4, and now up until midnight?  I think probably for people who have sleeping issues, the best time to sleep is when you can consistently do it.

 

Sending love and good thoughts

Yesterday in therapy I had a pretty intense session talking about some things regarding my mother and my brother.  After the session I felt good, like I'd freed myself from something.  But today I am very low and I don't have that feeling anymore.  I really want to write what I talked about but now the words won't come out. 

I'm like a child or a prey animal, scared of everything, all the time. It's getting worse, not better. For a long time it was getting better but I feel like those days are gone.

My therapist says that the reason I have so much trouble doing things for myself is that I feel that I don't deserve to be comfortable and taken care of. I don't doubt her but I also don't really understand what that means or what to do about it. I can list reasons to support the idea that I do deserve care and comfort and love, and I can't list any that support the idea that I don't so why don't I believe it? How can I convince myself?

Yesterday someone told me I need to have more compassion for myself. There's another pithy bit of incomprehensible self-help. And here I am still wondering why I can't get the hang of simply being a person, and why I have to be here at all.

 

I "should" myself constantly about these self-care things.  Obviously, that doesn't help.  I have a fantasy about being a clean, tidy person in an orderly house.  It feels impossible, though it feels like it "should" be possible.  Like, what's really so hard about it bathing, doing laundry, preparing food, throwing away the junk mail?  I "should", I "should", I "should".  Here I am, buried under a pile of "should".

With that said, I washed my bedding yesterday.  It felt like a major triumph!

Cascade, I relate to this.

Let's all break things.  And hug!  Thank you, friends 

Meanwhile, I'm over here trying to find a self.  I don't know if I ever had one.  I may have sort of had one when I was younger, but there's really almost nothing now that I can put my finger on as being ME.  The other day someone asked me what my hobbies were and I couldn't answer.  I am empty.  There is NOTHING in here. 

Thank you, friends, for being here, for reading and replying and offering your love and support. I'm trying not to wallow in my pain and angst but also trying not to negate it with apologies or false positivity. I'm a mess. I am frustrated and suppressed and afraid and angry, and the only thing I know how to do with those feelings is turn them inward, into shame and despair and  depression. Make excuses. Fawn. Grovel. Hate myself. Take blame for I don't even know what. For having feelings, maybe? For taking up space and breathing air? GOD I HATE THIS. I feel like breaking things.

...the late, great Ian Dury.

"Hit me with your rhythm stick! S'nice to be a lunatic..." 

From the other side of this, I crave affectionate physical touch. Sex confuses the issue, but I yearn for uncomplicated hugging and cuddling. When I was in my late teens I had a couple of friendships that consisted mostly of talking and cuddling or watching TV and cuddling. I still think longingly of those friendships.