Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog - thank you so much - I appreciate you saying that very much - I've been thinking about you this week - as I know there have been some horrible fires in your local area - and I hope very much that you are ok.  I also hope that your wife is recuperating well. 

Hi Deep Blue - Yes, your words make a lot of sense to me - and thank you for sharing - and I think you're right, my friend wasn't judging - that is a good sign.  I am lucky to have some good friends.  I know that.    Thank you for your support - it means a lot. 

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Journal entry on 11th November 2018

I've found it quite emotional today - there are lots of articles and news items about the Remembrance Ceremonies - and it's very poignant in many ways.  I have got social stuff with the equivalent of my in-laws later today - and I feel like it's something I'd rather not have to do today - but I will go - and hopefully it will be ok. 

I had hoped to write more in the forum over the weekend, but I've not managed to do so - I was trying to think of how I could write about my 'inner parts' - and I am thinking that 'writing letters' to express their emotions and feelings might be a cathartic thing to do - but somehow I'm avoiding getting round to starting that. 

But I feel as if I might suddenly just 'write' - so if that happens, then I will no doubt do it.  Until then, I'll just take it as it comes. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal entry on 12th November 2018
I still feel quite emotional regarding the Armistice - and I seem to be suffering from tinnitus quite a bit today - not sure why.  I think I'm a bit run down - so I'm going to try to be kind to myself today.  I coped better than I thought I would with seeing my partner's relatives yesterday - this seems to be a pattern - I assume it will be difficult, and the reality is it is better than I anticipate - so maybe I can let my guard down a bit next time, and maybe go with the flow more - maybe I'll just relax and feel less defended in such situations.  I hope so.  They are nice people - and I think it's more the concerns of some of my 'inners' that put the barriers up - because they want to protect me from potential hurt - but maybe there aren't so many things to hurt me in the here and now - something to think about. 

Anyway, I will take it easy today.

Hope 

[Jdog]

Hope-

Glad you are taking thing so slow and easy today.  Yes, Armistice is a sobering thing.  Don't you wish we had learned more of the lessons that horrible war could have taught us as humans?  And I also have constant tinnitus, so I understand the frustration there.
Your partner's family must be nice people, and I'm glad you had a positive interaction with them.  We all deserve to be treated kindly, and it sounds like you are being treated kindly by them.

[Hope67]

Thanks Jdog - I have had a reasonable day in the end.  So that's good.   

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Journal entry later on 12th November 2018
Today has felt like a more emotional day - but I allowed my emotions to rise up and I 'felt' them - which is what I've actively tried to do - rather than push the emotions aside or dissociate from them.  I think it was good for me - I also watched a very upsetting drama on TV - which made me cry a lot - and that was cathartic really - getting out remaining tears that felt like they needed expression. 

I watched a few u-tube videos about Dissociation - but didn't really find much that I related to there - I like the book I read much better.  So I hope to return to it, and maybe to start working through it again 'Chapter by Chapter' and see how that goes, and I hope to write it in a section called 'Book Talk' that I saw - I hope that's ok - I hope to read Chapter 1 again in the next couple of days - all being well. 

I have also started reading a book by Windy Dryden "Ten Steps to Positive Living" - it is written in a chatty style and he makes some good points - although typically when I try to recall any of the points he's made - at this moment - I can't remember a single one!!!  But I know I enjoyed reading it today - and it made sense.  I think he spoke about taking responsibility for things, and also choosing goals which are desirable rather than exacting in nature - thereby being 'flexible' rather than bound to any rules.  But I could be completely picking points that jumped into my mind just now, and may have not picked out the same points that he made.  I am doubting my ability to remember.  I feel silly now. 

I've been thinking about the fact that I feel 'resistance' to writing about my parts - and what that might be about.  I think it's concerning to me to be open about my feelings and my thoughts - and I wonder if I'm worried about how I'm perceived.  Part of me is, and other parts of me aren't so bothered.  So again, a conflict between them on how they feel about that.

I feel a bit better in myself at the moment - it was like I had a lot of melancholy hanging over me for most of the earlier part of the day, and now it's lifted - and I feel better.  I really wondered if I was sickening for something - that I was run down, and going to get some kind of virus or illness - or something.  But I feel better right now.   Maybe crying and being able to feel my emotions for those moments in the earlier part of the day - that was a good thing for me.

I tried to do a Meditation Circle inviting my inner parts to attend, but because I'd not done it for quite a long time, I found that I couldn't do it.  I need to try to get into a more disciplined and regular thing - because I fear that my inners will feel that I've neglected them again, and they may not communicate with me so much. 

I have been feeling a bit guilty too - for the fact that I wrote quite a lot in someone else's Journal - and I wondered if I had said too much.  I've been feeling guilty about it.  But the person did ask for comments, and somehow the part of me that was around at the time - responded with her thoughts about it.  I know that was 'me' - but I also acknowledge that I was feeling able to respond and express myself clearly at the time, and instead of holding back, and maybe thinking about what I said - I just 'said it' - and I know that one of my friends cautions me against writing spontaneously, as she tells me that I could potentially then regret an action - she often counsels me to sleep on something before acting.  She hasn't said this to me recently, but I remember her words from the  past, and I thought to myself - perhaps I shouldn't just write things sometimes without thinking and without censoring or re-thinking.

I'm going to be a bit braver right now and just say that when I am communicating in any situation - there is often 'thoughts' or 'almost voices' that I hear (maybe inner thoughts) and they can sometimes swear or say things that I would never actually say - and sometimes they indicate that they want to push someone away - or hit them even.  I have never acted on these thoughts, but it does make me wonder whether my anger has been repressed and dissociated to such a degree that I have repressed anger underlying, and then the thoughts express it. 

I am also aware that different parts of myself have acted in the past in ways I wouldn't allow myself to act in the current time.  I've done things in the past - at younger ages that I feel embarrassed about, that I feel ashamed of - and yet I also realise that I did those things to survive some difficult circumstances. 

On an emotional level - I found today hard - hearing people talk about Armistice and the incredible emotional things that were spoken about yesterday - during Remembrances - and then people spoke about trying to connect with family connections to past wars - it made me think that I have never been told anything significant about my FOO - and that I hardly know them - and I felt incredibly sad for that - it was like I wanted to erase the past and replace it with something else - something happier - something substantive.  Something meaningful.  But I can't. 

Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Referring to a book, Hope 67 said: :...when I try to recall any of the points he's made - at this moment - I can't remember a single one!!!" That's often how I am, too. But I've also stopped beating myself up over it, as if it indicates some dire failure on my part. Sometimes when I realize this, something else  dawns for me -- that it's better to absorb the totality than strive to recall every little detail. In the end, I realize that it's not the forgotten details, but the essence of what's said or written that rings true. It's like the heart knows what the intellect strives so hard to get.

Regarding the difficult Armistice Day reactions, I can erupt in tears just at the mention of that sorry time in history. Except it seems like it's never even ended; the old cycle of hatred backed with inhumane forces goes on, and on, and on, and... I'm known to some for my interest in history, but I can't stand the war parts, and am ultra-horrified at those who even put on uniforms and role-play that stuff. That's horrible; I just don't understand the thrill-value that some seem to get out of mass killing.

Sorry, I'm not in the habit of butting into journals, unless I see a salient point come sailing out at me, as it were. I guess your ruminations appeal as you express so much so well  (including doubts and wonderings).

 

[Deep Blue]

Dearest Hope,
So many excellent thoughts today. 

First, good job on getting those tears out.  My T says that releasing tears or sadness is key to catharsis.  I must admit though, I'm a bit envious of you being able to tap into your emotions.  I hope you don't find me mean for saying it.... I just can't cry, don't cry and dissociation tends to be the result.  I think I much to learn from you friend.

As far as you sharing your thoughts in an unfiltered way, I love it    I love people who say what they mean and don't beat around the bush.  Thanks for being you and know that I will never shame you for it 

I want to say more but alas I'm feeling a bit tired now and think I should do some self care.  Much love to you dear 

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome,
I appreciated your comments here very much - thank you.  I like your suggestion that it's better to absorb the totality than to recall the little details - and the 'essence' of something is what rings true - and I especially liked what you said about the heart knowing what the intellect strives so hard to get - you are expressing the kernel of it - I think you're spot on.    to you, if that's ok.   

Hi Deep Blue,
I don't think I would ever perceive you to be 'mean' in any sense of the word - you are such a lovely person - even your name encapsulates a depth - 'deep blue' - and that depth represents kindness and I always appreciate things you say, so thank you for validating my expressions.  I know you were tired when you wrote - and you said you were going to do some self-care - I hope you were able to do that, and that you feel more refreshed today.  Much love to you too.   


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Journal entry on 13th November 2018

I am feeling relieved today - because I am thankful that I'm not feeling so low or tearful - and I feel calmer inside.  I did a bit of de-cluttering in the house - just for about 40 minutes, but I felt it was a step closer to being more tidy and sorted.  I'm going to try to do a similar amount each day this week and that way I'll have done quite a bit by the end of the week.

I really thought I was getting a cold or run-down - but I feel as if I have a bit more energy today - so maybe I'm ok afterall. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 16th November 2018
I seem to be getting more 'body issues' - in that I feel some back pain, and also menstrual pain - and my tinnitus is also quite prominent.  But I'm trying to keep going on with normal day tasks, and I did take a hot bath yesterday and slept for an hour in the afternoon - which felt like a safe form of hibernation somehow.  I'm also pleased to say that I didn't feel so much 'guilt' for taking that action - sometimes I can feel very guilty if I do that.  But instead, I felt safe and cosy for a few moments.

I've made some progress in terms of finally starting to summarise the Chapters of the Treating Dissociation book - I've done the first 2 - and it's felt ok.  I found it hard to 'start it' - but once I started I managed to do it - and I will take a break from it over the weekend - as I want to try to do something that doesn't involve 'self-help' for the weekend.

What I do hope to try doing is going back to my daily Meditation Circles - to keep contact with my parts - and I might try different ways of communicating with them.  I found it helpful to 'write a letter' to my parts - the other day - and I think maybe that is a way to free up my communication channels with them. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

you're sounding very positive, hope, seeing ways to help yourself, putting up boundaries in order to take a break, and allowing yourself that 'cosy' rest.  personally, i love napping, and i think that for many years that was my safe place, a place to take a break from all the madness.  they are a priority for me now.

i like your idea of keeping channels open among your parts.  i think it's a wonderful thing to do.  best wishes that it continues to serve all of you well.

love and hugs, sweetie.  enjoy the weekend.

[Deep Blue]

 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic & Deep Blue, thank you both for your lovely replies and sending you both love and hugs 

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Journal Entry on 18th November 2018

I'm not entirely sure what's been happening to me this weekend, but I've experienced less ability to contain my emotions - and some occasions when I feel like the younger part of myself has surfaced - and unfortunately I felt that part of myself do that infront of my partner - when he was expressing some strong views about various political things that are going on in the UK at the moment - and somehow that young part or parts of me just couldn't cope - and I felt like I dissociated infront of his face - and then I just exploded into tears - I felt really silly - small - I guess that must have been an EF - he told me he felt really bad for me - and later he told me that he worries sometimes about talking to me about some things - and that bothered me - to think he might change his behaviour to try to minimise my distress - as I'd rather that he continued to treat me as an adult and talk with me.  But clearly, I wasn't feeling like an adult at the time I lost control of my emotions and broke down like that.

This evening for some reason I feel as if I'm very small indeed, and that my body is very large - I actually feel as if I'm encased in fat - and I don't like it.  It's a feeling that isn't one of 'reality' it's a peculiar feeling.  I have over-eaten this weekend, and I think that's down to my period - and hormonal stuff - and I guess my clothes do feel tighter - so there is that feeling of being bigger as a result of that.  But it's not a normal kind of feeling - it's a de-personalised kind of thing.  Anyway, I am trying to ground myself - and keep in the here and now as much as I can.  I thought it would help to come here and talk about it, and it does feel better for saying it here. 

Regarding my feelings, I think I feel a bit vulnerable really - but I know I am safe and nothing can hurt me.  I just feel a bit pathetic I guess.  As I think about this, my stomach actually feels like it's churning around.  So it's got a really visceral feel to it. 

I've just thought about the Blog post I read the other day too - the one that Kizzie told us about here in OOTS - where Sweet Sixty wrote about her Medical experiences and how her heart rate raced and the staff worried for her about tachycardia - I read the Blog post and I related so much to what she wrote.  I wanted to comment, but I felt over-whelmed by what she'd written.  It really affected me, both myself and my little parts - I feel like I want to read more things she's written, so I will hope to do that.  I remember back to seeing the Nurse - which I did recently, and how I ended up crying infront of her and my heart rate was very high.  I felt small and pathetic and vulnerable then, so maybe that is reflecting the feelings I have today a bit too. 

I have felt more grief feelings this weekend.  It's felt very raw in many ways. 

I've noticed that I am still noticing 'details' in TV programmes - things like wall-paper patterns that I remember from childhood and items in people's rooms that evoke memories from childhood - it's very small specific things - and it's like my inner parts are showing me, reminding me, and I am noticing. 

I've got a real pain in the middle of my stomach now - as I'm writing this. 

A new week starts tomorrow - and I will hope to focus on a few things.  I need to give myself some structure I think.  Find a path that feels comfortable to follow - and progress up it a bit.  I want to summarise the next chapter of the Dissociation book, but I know that the first paragraph was a bit triggering - and had made me feel quite emotional, and therefore I am holding myself back - but I do intend to do it - hopefully tomorrow - so I'll try to do that. 

I've made an agreement with my parts that we'll do things that we feel ok with - and try to work around any resistances we come across. 

I'm glad I came here to write - because it has helped me to feel a bit better - I am feeling larger in my body - i.e. more consonant with the size of myself again.  I really felt I'd shrunk and got trapped inside for a moment.  I feel like things are better right at this moment.  I am relieved.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hope, I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better, maybe even a bit clearer on what's going on (?) after writing that. I have the impression you're working really hard atm. I'd just like to send  Oh and congratulations on doing some de-cluttering

[Deep Blue]

Hey Hope,
You are doing some very hard work so please go easy on yourself. 

I think it is very possible that you were in an EF when you started crying and couldn't stop.  Sometimes when I have an EF with no particular cause, I question if I'm pushing myself too hard. 

Your littles sound like they are trying to tell you something.  Maybe it's to slow down a bit?  Progress is still progress and I see yours all the time 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry - thank you so much - I appreciate your words very much.   

Hi Deep Blue - Thanks so much for your reply and I do think you're right that I am probably pushing myself too hard at the moment - and it also makes sense that my littles were perhaps concerned and would like me to slow down a bit.  I am heeding that - and I am taking things slower.  I'll delay my plans to summarise the next chapter of that book - and will give myself more processing time - and time to focus on things in the day that need my attention.  Thank you!   

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Journal Entry on 19th November 2018

Going to focus on pacing myself better - will give this some thought and make a plan. 
Hope 

[Three Roses]

Just want to say I get that same feeling of being small in my body sometimes. You're def not alone! It's like I am 9 again, and aware that I'm also grown and my body is the wrong size. Difficult to explain. Love and gentle safe  for you!