Sceal's third journal

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
I hope that you're able to enjoy your holiday - it sounds like you've been able to work through some challenging things.
Hope 

[Sceal]

A hug from you is always welcome, Hope a gentle hug back.

My family is looking forward to returning home tomorrow. Not so much the travel time, but getting home. I am reminded of both my meeting on Wednesday, having to deal with all the people at work on Tuesday and my roomie.
All three none of what I would like to deal with. I have spent so much money. Insane amount, and I haven't even paid for flight or hotel. It would take me 3 years to save up to afford this I realized. It's a depressing thought.

[Sceal]

Home again now. Home-home. Roomie was kind when I got in the door. He gifted me a book and I gifted him some travel stuff.
I was so dizzy when I got in the shower and weak afterwards.
I don't think I really realized how exhausted I have been. I am so worn now I just want to cry. Cry because of being exhausted not because of sadness. But I have no strength to cry. I have no strength to start relaxing my body and it's tensed up muscles. I'm in bed that's all I can do.

[Snowdrop]

I hope you can get some rest. 

[Sceal]

Thanks Snowdrop. I fell asleep eventually.

I am stuck in an emotional rut. I feel like everything I put effort into sucks and whenever I don't put effort into something that is what people like.

Every ounce of my being is currently screaming to go hide, to go avoid the mortal world and escape into a book.

[sanmagic7]

i hear ya, sceal.  a book sounds lovely, actually.  sending love and hugs to you.   

[Sceal]

I went into full panic attack yesterday before the Very Important Meeting. Thankfully Lady T arrived soon after I'd started going into a panic attack and she took me upstairs to the office and helped me calm down for 20 minutes before the the Very Important Meeting took place. I was so meek, there I was sitting. Letting them do most of the talking. My brain was a little out of it. But it didn't come crashing down around me, the meeting went my way. Though it is quite hard to hear that I have no future prospects in being able to work. Part of me wants to ignore that, and keep on fighting - keep on trying. Prove that I can do it. But it's been a long time now fighting this particular battle. I've not improved. I'm not going to. At least not while I am fighting other battles at the same time.

I don't know what I feel about it. I feel nothing. I suspect I'm avoiding feeling things to be honest. My favourite way of dealing with things: avoid it. I'm tired though. I got up and out of bed this morning, but just ended up snuggling up on the sofa for 6 hours afterwards. Not entirely sure if that constitutes as actually getting up. But it doesn't matter.

Had a fight with roomie at the end of the night yesterday. I was worn thin, I had no defences left when I finally got home. And we ended up talking about politics that somehow ended up in a conversation about mental issues and life. I was not prepared or in any state for these discussions or arguments. But I felt that I wasn't allowed to go to bed. Despite him telling me I could, I felt I couldn't.

I've been eating candy ever since we got back from our vacation. I think I am comfort eating. I'm trying very hard to do other things rather than grab that big white toblerone that I bought (why the f* did I buy it?). I feel terrible about it, but it's like I can't stop. I wonder if it's because at first I was dealing with the whole vacation and trying to land from that, then changes at work, then trying to both prepare and ignore the Very Improtant Meeting all at once (very exhausting and impractical thing to do, when I think about it. counter intuitive) and then now.. it's all empty. No more plans. Nothing more I need to prepare for, well.. except work next week and meeting my new supervisor all over again.
I think we might have gotten off on the wrong foot.

Or not really, there's no conflict. And she doesn't seem like she doesn't like me. She's new, and I guess it will take her a while to realize that I, like many others in that place, doesn't work as fast as other people do. She wanted to see my artworks, and I showed her. And she kept telling me I should try and make them larger, put more life into them, etc for the exhibition early next year. But I had to tell her that I've spent 8 months on the few images I have, I honestly don't have the capacity to actually do what she wants me to test out and try and play with. Regardless of how important and probably smart it is. I didn't say that last bit though. Perhaps I should have. It sucks that my two alliances left and I feel rather unsafe at work now. I think that's what's going on.
It might sound as if I can't handle critiques, I do. But I don't accept critiques on my work from everyone. It's a whole topic all on it's own. But it boils down to that I want to be in charge of when I am in need of feedback and from whom. The whom would be the people who know my artstyle and know what I am trying to convey with it. They don't have to like it, that's not the point. You don't go to the electrician and point out flaws in his toolbag, or how he goes about laying down the wires if you've no idea what he is actually up to doing. It's just rude.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, there came a point in my life when i could no longer work.  i believed it was forever.  it was quite an adjustment to make, i didn't know how to feel about it, ran away to mexico.  i got to the point where i was pretty much house-bound, no energy or stamina.  even my beloved walks went by the wayside.  i was barely existing, in truth. 

20 yrs. later, i am walking nearly every day again, have been able to put some of my gifts and talents to use, altho in a limited way, and i'm able to be here for my d as she struggles to make it in her chosen field.  i'm also writing again, will possibly be able to publish a book or two by next year.  i can't do what i used to do, but some things are coming back.

my point is that i've been where you are, and i get it.  it can be a difficult pill to swallow, especially if you're used to being independent, creative, and constructive.  i believe you need some adjustment time to take all this in, let things begin to fall into place as they and you are able, and know that what's happening at this moment is not necessarily how it's going to be for the rest of your life.  you may need to change your priorities, whittle down the number of things you are able to accomplish right now, and allow that other things may be gone, or may temporarily be on hiatus.

as for your art, that is you and your creativity, not someone else's.  you have every right to know what you want to express and how.  people often offer suggestions to us whether we want them or not.  in one ear, out the other - you know what's best for you, and you can let that be.

i also agree w/ you that getting up, laying back down, taking naps, resting, relaxing, does not matter how it's done.  you take care of your most important responsibilities that are on a timetable, and the rest is your responsibility to yourself.  take care of you as it fits best, ok?

just my opinions, as always.  first and foremost, i'm with you, sweet sceal, and support your decisions, because i know you're doing the best for you possible.  to my mind, that's what counts most.  sending love and a hug filled w/ time.   

[Tee]

 

[Sceal]

Mr T said last session that in his experience introvert people (he's not a therapist) often care so deeply about things/people, and when they get worried or stressed out about something they focus all their energy on some other problem. In his example he said that the introvert real problem is her relationship with a family member, but because it's such a tender thing she cares too much she focuses all her energy and focus on the problem with bees. And thus there is a discord within her, she's struggling with something but it's too difficult to deal with but she has to deal with something so she finds another (sometimes important) problem to focus on. One that is more understandable for the outside world, one that is explainable.  And one that doesn't necessarily mean as much personally.

I am not certain if this is an introvert particular trait. He himself is an extrovert. But I think this is very much what is going on with me right now. There is this something, something that hurts so much. The problem is I honestly doesn't know what that something is, I think I might be shielding myself. Or maybe it is just everything at once right now and it's a little much all on my own.

I feel more and more this younger person inside of me. Like the 9-10 year old me who would curl up and need comfort. Only there is no comfort to have anywhere.  There is no safe hug or someone to stroke my back as I rest against them. No one to soothe my worries and fear. Except me. And in this; I am not enough.
So I hide even more. From myself and those around me.
I need lady T, but out last session was used up with the Very Important Meeting. So there's another 2 weeks on my own before I see her.

[sanmagic7]

  and much love.  would that i could send some real comfort to you, sweet sceal.

[Jazzy]

It makes sense to substitute in something you can deal with, over something that you can't. At least you're still making some progress that way. I hope you feel better soon Sceal. Take care!

[Sceal]

Thank you both for your support, and for writing to me. Despite me not engaging widely otherwise at the forum these days. I try occationally, but I might miss out on alot of things happening with everyone. I am sorry for that.

I am not conviced that I am making any progress at all. The evidence is pointing in the oposite direction in-fact. I am avoiding people and situations more and more. I escape reality as much as I am capable of, either by simply not being present or when that's not possible I read. Fantasy, a book series I've read a handful of times so it doesn't require concentration. I am in a form of "survival mode". Things aren't as bad as they previously have been, I have made progress earlier... I'm just not making any progress now. I'm walking backwards.

I had two breakdowns at work today. The last one ended with me phoning Lady T. SH tendencies were high, I resisted because I called her. I broke down crying on the phone.

She gave me three tasks at the end of the phonecall. Activate my system by doing some high intensity activity (I decided to run up the four flights of stairs back to work) then breathe calminly in, and think "Everything will be okay" breathing out. And third to write down the reasons for the choice of applying for disability now. The pro's and cons.  All in order to help me back inside the window of tolerance and dampen the emotional responce I was feeling.

I told her I feel the by applying for disability I'm both giving up and that I was scared I hadn't fought hard enough. That'd I'd made mistakes, that I am not strong enough, didn't fight this * in a better, more cleverer way. That I'd beat it, or at least improve enough to work in some capacity. She told me that it's not unheard of to feel like this during depression and due to my cptsd. I guess it was nice of her to tell me that. She told me I keep on fighting, even when I'm down on all four. That I'm not giving up. I know that is my super-power. The not giving up thing. It's just.. I feel so utterly useless, and overwhelmed. And alone in dealing with this. I can't call anyone for comfort. I can't show my family how I'm doing. They wont understand I think, or they would be angry for holding things secret from them. I don't want to tell them, although I think my sister suspects. She said something in london, she wanted to tell me about a book series, but she wasn't certain if I would want to hear about it... because it's about r*. That took me aback a bit. She's right, I don't want to hear about it, but I tried to act nonshalant about it. Like it didn't affect me, simply that I didn't enjoy such books. Didn't interest me so much. But I don't think I fooled her.
She's never asked. I don't think she will either.

I have work again tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. It feels like everything I touch at work is broken, destroyed and awful. Like, it's not worthy. It's definitevly not good enough for an exhibition. Some people are trying to tell me "but does any artist think that their art is good enough?", the answer is no, but that's not the point. Many artists, despite not loving their work, will be able to tell if their work is good enough for a gallery show or not.
I'm also having nightmares about the opening now. It's still 5 months away. It's a little too soon to start having nightmares about it. Both of the safe supervisors at work that I could have talked to about this, are gone. They wouldn't have laughed at me, or soft-talked to me. They'd given me reality checks and helped me figure out what is the right option here. The other two there this week.. I don' t know them, I don't really trust them... And I don't trust that they can thread carefully while honestly at the same time. Sometimes, quite often, it's more about how you say something...

[sanmagic7]

sitting quietly with you, sceal, if you'd like to.  know that you are loved for who you are, not for what you do.   

[Not Alone]

Dear Sceal, sending you lots of care and hugs.  You made a good, healthy decision to call Lady T.

know that you are loved for who you are, not for what you do.