Sceal's third journal

[Sceal]

Sceal it's perfectly ok to not want to face conflict.  I'm sorry your feeling so dark.  But agree with San you seem to work hard give yourself some grace.  Big hug

I would agree with you.  My Lady T ( what I have named my psychologist in here) disagrees on this matter. Atleast where it concerns me and my strong tendency to avoid avoid avoid.

[Sceal]

I have managed somehow to get an inflamed elbow and shoulder joint. My elbow only hurt occasionally, my shoulder however aches all the time. And I can no longer take anti-inflammatory medications. I hope I wont have to endure this pain for weeks. Pain killers haven't helped at all today. Maybe tomorrow it'll be better and today was just a big flare up.

I went to see Lady T today.
I was nervous. I haven't seen her in a while. At the end of the session she asked me what it was like to be there today. It's a common question she asks. My usual answer tend to be variants of "challenging" to "painful". Today I told her it was good being back. It was good to see her.

I had brought her the letter summarising my summer. She ignored the part with dark-dark thoughts but complemented me on having fought against the urges to SH, and won. I told her summer was an impractical time for SH, she said "any excuse to avoid doing SH is good in my book. Even if it is just because you want to wear a t-shirt". She has a point.

We talked about work. She kept asking me why I felt such unease at work. I didn't have a clear answer. She suggested alot that I take up the conversation with my colleague about her turning off the light and that makes me feel unwelcome at my workstation. I know, it is such a simple thing. It shouldn't be a problem.. but I am TERRIFIED of that conflict. And tbh, I don't even quite know why. It's not even a conflict at the moment since we haven't actually talked about it. There hasn't been a disagreement.
It's so stupid. I told my boss on a day I was out of it, or high in PTSD and wanted to go home. (She wouldn't let me).  And my boss said she would take it up, but I told her not to. I don't want to make a problem out of it or make her feel unwelcome or something. I want to Avoid avoid avoid the conflict. Or the potential conflict. Lady T doesn't approve. I said I can't fight my urges to avoid all the time, it's too hard. It's too exhausting. I don't have the capacity right now. She asked me "what's the alternative, be stuck with the suffering?" To which I said yes. Change my work days. Change my work routine. Call in sick.

I was on the verge of crying at this point. She asked instead how important work is for me. To be there. What is my priority.  I think it's to avoid getting worse, to regress. And then she asked me how I could do that. And I said to have something to go to, somewhere to be. And we were back on work again. I need work, or the work that I do. The art.
I know I do. But there's so much uncertainty and new people lately. It's so hard to deal with and I don't know why.
I'm not sure if knowing why would make going through it actually easier. I've said in the past that just because I know why things are the way they are, the knowing part, doesn't make it easier.

But anyway, we got to a point in the session where I said I want to be on disability. But I don't know if the disability committee or whatever you call them in English would allow me to apply. And she said she'll support me, and we will get a meeting. And we'll figure it out. At which point I did start to cry. 
I guess I felt so relieved that she is in my corner and is willing to fight for me. Help me get rid of the obstacles that I have no control over so I can get some control and have more capacity for therapy and breathing.

We didn't get enough time to talk about my roomie.  But we will. I need to.

[Tee]

  sounds like a productive session

[Sceal]

Sometimes it help just writing down the things that were talked about. So I remember them.

Went to work today. I have a week-end shift. It's boring, I'm just managing the location incase someone comes in to buy art. They usually don't. So it's 1 hour travel there and 4 hours of doing nothing and stressing about not doing anything. and 1 hour back home. And it's so stupid, because at the end of the day I'm so exhausted. But I've litereally done nothing.

There's so many thoughts in my head. And I can't seem to shake them out. So it's just draining all my energy. it's really annoying.

[Tee]

 

[Not Alone]

. And it's so stupid, because at the end of the day I'm so exhausted. But I've litereally done nothing.

I find that needing to be "on" or ready to be able to deal with others is very tiring, even if I "don't do anything."

[Sceal]

Yeah, that is probably a good point.  Thank you for seeing it for me.

[Sceal]

I can look in the mirror now and see changes of my body. I can see that it is getting smaller. The big outside shell is very very slowly starting to fade away to show me, and the outside world, what I actually look like. Within the year I hope that the inside and the outside will correspond. That when I do look in the mirror it is me that I see.
Physically that is. Not psychologically. Although connected, in this I do separate them.

But...

Whenever I do look at the scale, take measurements or see the changes.. or feel it when I accidentally brush against my hipbone...
Something happens.. and I want to eat.
I am not sure what it is. Is it fear? Is it "reward"? Is it punishment? Is it something else entirely?
I wonder how I can figure this one out.
Keep asking the questions perhaps. But that is so hard when I get so tired it feels like cottonballs in my head with nothing working.

[sanmagic7]

my sweet sceal, it seems like you're in the midst of so much, some of it pos. (like lady t letting you know she's on your side, and your body getting smaller, which is something you wanted to happen), some of it not so much, like avoiding conflict, feeling a bit overwhelmed, and cottonballs in your head.  may i make a suggestion?  like wife 2 would say, breathe.  just breathe.  so much is going on in your life, you're juggling a lot, and i think it can be difficult to figure out where your focus needs to be. 

our symptoms get in the way too often of our continuing on the path of healthy recovery.  i think our health, mental, emotional, physical, etc. is important for us, but the other stuff can get in the way and sidetrack us.  so, maybe taking a step back (and you have your whole roomie thing to contend with - that's such a biggie) and just letting things flow for a bit might be of some help.  i don't know, but maybe. 

you really are making progress, like battling those neg. urges, and now that you're also working on not using food to cover things up, you're feeling more as well.  it can be daunting.  so, in the spirit of wife2, just breathe for a bit, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with deep breaths and relief.   

[Sceal]

Breathing sounds good right about now.
I realised on the bus on my way back home today that I spend so much energy trying to forget the past, to forget it's impact on me. And the rest of the energy I spend preparing and worrying for the next day. For the future. For example, I have saved up money for a vacation that's not happening, but instead of giving myself some leeway with the vacation that is happening in a few days I will put those money to a rainy day... Instead of living right here, right now.
This is just one example, but the easiest one to describe. I rarely if ever just live here and now. In this moment. It would benefit me if I could do more of being here and now. Instead of always in a place that does not yet exist. And never will.

I got a message from Lady T today and from the welfare lady. I got a meeting with the both of them next Wednesday. To discuss my application towards disability. I'm nervous. Like I told mr T today, I worry I will sell myself in the wrong direction. Sell myself as being more functional and we'll established than I am. I tend to pull myself together during important meetings, so people won't see me fall apart or notice something is off. It's automatic. Mr. T said I might have to share my story, to tell them this isn't something new. I've tried for 10 years. I'm too worn out, I got nothing more left to give. I need a break. I need stability.
I am not sure I can pull it off.

[Tee]

I feel you Sceal I've been struggling as my T says I've not been ok for a long while now.

And it's getting worse she thinks I should try medication and taking time off work to try to get more stable.  This scares me. Because I've always been able to function or at least fake function so no one notices that I'm on the edge of destruction.  But I can't take it anymore.  I think that why I'm not get the jobs I really need, though that's part of what's sending me over the edge.

I may be filing for disability soon as well.  Good luck my friend in sharing what's needs to be shared to get you what you need.

[Three Roses]

I know my limitations with face to face communication, especially with those I perceive as in authority over me. So I've started writing things down, like making lists of questions to ask or points to cover, or even writing out some history if I think that's going to be asked. I'm taking these things with me to my first appointment I have soon with a psychiatrist, my first ever visit to one.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal, it's ok to be just as you are with these people, and not put on a front for them.   i know you know this, and as you said, putting on that 'front' has become automatic in our lives.  we've had to do it so many times, it's like muscle memory taking over.  good luck w/ it all, from my heart.  i'm pulling for you.  sending love and a hug full of care.   

[Sceal]

Dear Tee. Perhaps your T is right? From what I understand you are very nearly close to a breaking point, maybe medication and a sick-leave is what you do need in order to get your head above water to get a few mouthfulls of air so you can continue the fight? It is scary, it will mean relying on your family for support as well. But maybe it's better before it's too late? Big hug and I hope you figure out what is best for you.

Dear Three Roses,
I tend to be portraying to be better than I am around others, especially important people. But with my Lady T there I hope she'll trigger me enough so that I can show part of who I am and not the "good, dutifully girl" image.
Writing things down might be an option, I'll think about it.

Dear San, thank you for your support. 
...
I am away on holiday to a big city with parts of my family. I am sharing a room with one of the family members and my PTSD got triggered the first night. We were both tired but had different needs. I needed the light off, she needed to be left alone. It ended with  me asking her to just go to the bathroom and do the brushing of teeth and such when she wasnt ready so she snapped at me.
I felt awful.
So stupid. I needed sleep. And I can't sleep with the light on.
I apologized the next day and so did she. So it worked out just fine. But I lay in bed ridden with guilt and fear for a few hours until I fell asleep. Although I didn't really sleep that first night.

The rest of the trip has been fine..no guilt over spending money. No uncomfortable encounters. Generally I feel better when I am far away from home. My home city that is. Which bothers me, because I like my city, but I think subconsciously I have too many deep seethed bad memories for me to truly relax and enjoy my home city

[Tee]

  I'm glad your able to work it out and enjoy your holiday.