Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Deep Blue]

Hey sweet Hope,
I echo what blueberry said.  You are so courageous!

I've had a similar experience when looking at old pictures of myself when the trauma was at its worst.  I was just a deeply sad girl.  I spent most of my time putting on a fake smile and every bit of energy trying to hide how bad things really were.

I understand feeling bad for your partner with your night terror.  On the other hand, lots of people have them.  One of my former students has had them for 16 years.  It sounds like you two have a good relationship. Can you talk about these things?

So much love to you,
Deep Blue

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,

I'm sorry you're struggling with such terrible nightterrors. I hope you're not worried that you don't remember them. Research show that it's mostly common not to remember night-terrors, except for perhaps the emotion itself. Perhaps it is your mind trying to deal and sort through all that hard work that you're doing on your own recovery?

I hope today is a good day for you. Lots of warm thougts,

Sceal

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry, Deep Blue & Sceal,
I appreciate all your lovely replies, and thanks for what you each said.  It means a lot. 

Blueberry - I really appreciate that you shared your experience of having ideology pushed onto you - and how that impacted - and I know that I don't think I could cope with sustained contact with someone who would want to do that to me.  Regardless of who that person may be.  It's not healthy - and it's not something I feel I could cope with.  I am going to protect myself - and my inners.    to you, Blueberry.

Deep Blue - I remember reading that you had that experience when looking at old pictures of yourself, and I remember thinking at the time, "I relate to that so much" - and having to put on a fake smile - it really zaps energy -  to you.    Your former student had night terrors for a long time.  I hope they stopped for her eventually.  I've had mine since I was about 4 years old, and they've come on and off since then, so that's a long long time.  Yes, I do talk to my partner about things, infact there isn't anything he doesn't know - I've shared everything with him - literally.  He does understand, but it distressed me to see that he was scared by the intensity of my screaming the other night - he was thrown into shock literally.     Love to you, Deep Blue - and thank your for your caring and support.   

Sceal - I really appreciate your reply and what you said about the research suggesting that most people don't remember the content - except for the emotion itself - it's interesting.  I do sometimes remember some content - but most often I don't.   But the emotion - that is so strong.  I think you're right that it's my mind trying to deal with things and sort through things.    to you Sceal.

*****
Journal Entry for 2nd August 2018
Apparently I was talking in my sleep last night, and my partner told me that he asked me some things, and I replied to him.  Apparently I'd said to him at one point "Well, you'd be surprised if he answered you back, wouldnt' you." - so I wonder who I was referring to.  I don't recall talking to him in my sleep, but I know that my head hurt a lot - as if I was paralysed at some points, and my head felt as if it was going to explode.  That was scary.  I woke and found I had a stiff neck - so I must have been sleeping at a funny angle and maybe that had hurt my head and my neck.  Anyway, I am ok today.  So that's good. 

I feel as if I am 'ready to write' more - and attempt to process some things some more - but I am also feeling a bit cautious and worried about that - at the same time.  So conflicting feelings I guess. 

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hope I forgot to mention!  My student takes melatonin sometimes if she is extra stressed to help combat the night terrors.  She says it helps a lot

[Hope67]

Hi DeepBlue - thank you so much for letting me know about the Melatonin - it's great that it helps your student, and I will look into it for sure.  Thank you.    to you.

Hi BeHea1thy - thanks for your insights - I think you are probably right about Mary Bratton's ideas bringing my experiences closer to the conscious surface - I am experiencing more flashbacks in the daytime, and also at night - and I have been dreaming so much more - infact every night this week I've had a vivid dream.  Thankfully only the one big night terror though.  So that's good.
Also, what you said about the neck pain and headaches being things that will morph and become less noticeable - I do hope that will be the case.  I have noticed that the pains in my head are usually connected to emotional reactions - rather than anything else, and I try to listen to the symptoms and understand them, rather than run away from them or distract myself from them.  Thank you so much for your helpful comments - and sending you a hug 

****
Journal Entry on 3rd August 2018
Another vivid dream last night - this time my partner and I were attending someone's social occasion - not sure what kind of occasion but the venue was really quite similar to a vast and old Mansion type of place - probably a bit Gothic and dark inside - that's the impression it gave me.  The couple were known to us, and yet they weren't getting on at all well - they bickered and were unhappy.  My partner left early - and it felt like we lived just up the road from the mansion - so I knew he wasn't far away.  Anyway, they talked about staying overnight and having breakfast together with me the next day - I asked what time they'd have breakfast, and they said 11am - very late in the morning.  I was upset and said I couldn't stay for breakfast, and I would go home.  So I went home to my partner.  I have no idea what that was about, but it was very vivid, and I just wanted to write about it in my journal - I don't see any themes or significance to it.  But what I did think was interesting was when I talked to my partner about it the next morning, he commented that he was very happy that we were together in my dreams - and how romantic that is.  The fact he said that, made me feel emotional. 

I have tried to do more 'self-care' today - I had a bath - used nice mineral salts and perfumed bubble bath oil - and I also used some nice body butter on my feet.  I reflected in the bath about how I had felt when I was very young - possibly 10 years old or so, and how literally desperate I had felt emotionally at that time - a flashback to being in a bath - and just feeling so despondent, so alone, and being frightened that spiders might pop up through the cracks in the tiles - they sometimes did.  I have always been very afraid of spiders.  Yet we don't have any poisonous ones in my country - it's just a fear I have.

I tried to speak to my scared and lonely younger self - whilst in the bath, and remind her that we're in a different time, and a different place, and we're much safer now.  She's not alone anymore.  Even as I write this, there's a part of myself that is wailing in the background - I can hear her - she feels very upset. 

I've been writing lists of things I want to do - and I have been managing to do some of them.  So that is progress.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Hope
That's a positive dream (interpretation wise). Mansions represent someone reaching their potential.  Perhaps you need to be with your partner in order to reach it and that's why you left?
Much love and sweet dreams to you

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue - wow, that's a great interpretation of that dream, thank you so much.  I also do think that I feel I need to be with my partner to realise my potential - and I don't think I would be strong enough by myself - and certainly wouldn't have been able to start looking at my self-care and progress without him.  The therapist I had for a while actually said that to me - in terms of saying that she thought I'd needed to wait till I had the 'right partner' before feeling able to feel stable enough to start to look at my issues.  At the same time though, I recognise that I could have the tendency to become a bit co-dependent - although I do wonder about that - I have mixed feelings about what that means - probably down to not completely understanding the meaning of the term - and I think that being co-dependent on someone who is kind and non-judgemental and has my best interests at heart, would be a positive thing - if that was reciprocated - but being co-dependent on someone who was more narcissistic would be very concerning.  I do believe that my relationship with my partner is the former example of that and not the latter, as I don't believe that either of us have many narcissistic tendencies.  I think it's all on a continuum.
Much love to you, Deep Blue 

Hi BeHea1thy - I find it extremely validating that you said that - thank you so much.  I am going to keep going with the 'Befriending my Parts' work - I really believe it is helping me - and I want to engage and relate to the different parts of myself - and hopefully integrate to all my other parts - I know it will take time, but I strongly believe that they have all been helpful to me in my life - they helped me to get through a challenging childhood and beyond, and I owe them a lot - and want to have them all in my life - and I want to nurture them and help them to feel safe.    to you, BeHeal1thy

****
Journal Entry on 4th August 2018
I don't recall any dreams at all last night.  It seemed like a peaceful night's sleep - no events or disturbances - I feel happy about that.  I don't mind the vivid dreams - but I don't want to have any more night terrors - but I'll just see what happens, and my partner is going to tell me that 'I'm safe' if I do start having any disturbances at night.  We had watched a film last night about a place where there were voice-activated TVs which would respond to the person living in the room - and he joked that if we had such a room, how would the robot react when I had a night terror - he was imagining a strange discussion going on - and I said that I hoped that whoever designed such a room and robot would programme it to react in a sensitive and kind way to someone experiencing a night terror - and he agreed that would be advisable. 

This has caused me to remember a past relationship where an ex would react quite  aggressively to my night terrors - and how that would then cause me to feel even more distressed on waking from them, and I was thinking how different things are with my current partner - and again, I think how lucky I am that he is in my life.  Thinking this of course, then triggers my fears of abandonment - and 'what would happen if...' but I am trying to live in the current moment, and not worry about the future in that respect, and just hope that we'll be able to enjoy a long and healthy life together - that's my hope.


Regarding today - I actually feel happy this morning - more content.  I hope this feeling will last.  I have noticed that I'm feeling things more - and it's been ok.  A good start to the weekend.  I hope it will continue...!

Hope 

[Sceal]

Dear Hope,

I 'm glad you had a night without night terrors or disturbing dreams. Sleep is so important!
And even better new is that you're starting to feel alot better! So very happy to hear that! Just wonderful!
if that's okay!

Sceal

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Thanks so much for the hug, and  to you. 

****
Journal Entry on 5th August 2018
Very hot today - feeling quite exhausted - due to the weather.  Not much to say apart from that.  Hopefully I'll be a bit more energetic tomorrow...
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 6th August 2018
I think I've experienced a longer emotional flashback over the past day - triggered on the weekend by visiting my partner's family - I ended up feeling quite tense and annoyed afterwards and that feelings has stayed with me for many hours really - although I think it is lifting now - but I am feeling as if I need to react to very small things - and those things wouldn't normally bother me so much. 

If I unpack what was said during the visit - it makes sense - I can see the triggers - people talking about the issues around the new Royal Princess (Meghan Markle) and her estranged father - and people talking about whether he should have commented or not to the Press - and me thinking that it's none of people's business what has gone on between her and her father - and how insensitive it is to be talking about it infront of me, when they know I'm estranged from my FOO - I guess I should be flattered that they didn't even consider how I might feel about that - and that they maybe haven't seen any reason not to talk about it infront of me.   Actually, I guess I'm ok with the fact they were talking about it, but I was trying to make the point that people should be able to set their own boundaries and not necessarily be discussing their personal stuff with everyone, just because they have entered into a relationship.

I felt drained of energy - and with the heat wave on top, I felt drained anyway.  I guess that's why I'm finding it so hard today - to do anything.  I've not really done much at all - I even went to bed for part of the afternoon to try to get some sleep - but it was even hotter - so I struggled.

I really want to start writing about my fragmented parts - to give them a voice in this place - where I know they will feel valued and yet, something is holding me back - but I will hopefully make a start sometime soon - as I really want to write more about them, and also share my writings about them here - to see what other people think, and whether people relate.  I know they will - and I value that.

I can't think of what I want to say now, so I'll stop writing for now.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

If I unpack what was said during the visit - it makes sense - I can see the triggers - people talking about the issues around the new Royal Princess (Meghan Markle) and her estranged father - and people talking about whether he should have commented or not to the Press - and me thinking that it's none of people's business what has gone on between her and her father - and how insensitive it is to be talking about it infront of me, when they know I'm estranged from my FOO

I've had people discussing this type of topic in my presence before, even though they knew I was in a position of VVVLC or NC. So I can relate. 

I quite often sleep in the afternoon these days to escape the heat in some way. In countries that are consistently hot in summer, like Spain, people have a siesta so why not in countries that are having a heat-wave?

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Thanks for mentioning that you relate, it really helps.  I've had these situations many times before, and especially around key dates like 'M day' and 'F day' etc  - and 'Xmas' and other such times - but they seem harder when they come 'out of the blue' - and I guess for people generally it's just 'general chit-chat' - but those topics become so 'loaded' with stuff for me.  I know I can cope better with those occasions sometimes, and worse at other times, and I think I had already been anticipating that I might be thrown off my axle of stability - and sure enough I was.  I think it's due to the heat and being tired and lethargic, and then not feeling as strong internally - plus I know I've been engaging more with my fragmented parts and therefore maybe not all of them are happy about the status quo just now. 

Blueberry -  to you and thanks for your hug.  I know you're doing some sorting through of stuff today - and I am impressed by that, so I hope to join you in doing some of that myself!  I'm going to try to do some this afternoon - all being well.

*********
Journal entry for 7th August 2018
My partner commented to me this morning, 'You're distant today' - the thing is that we'd not even woken up properly, so I wondered how he could know I was 'distant'...  But he was right, I was distant because I've been in an EF for quite a few hours, and could feel a discontented and despondent part of myself taking precedence on my psyche - and probably he could feel that too - even though I'd not really said anything about it.

What interested me was the fact that normally I might not acknowledge that distressed/despondent/disgruntled side - and would probably say 'I'm fine' and try to brush those feelings aside and present a shinier side to myself - but instead, I just said 'Yes, I am a bit distant, because I'm feeling some 'not so nice' feelings - but I am sure I'll be ok' - I think that was healthier to say that to him, as it acknowledges that I'm not 'fine' - that I'm going through something that is affecting me - I just wanted to reflect on that here - because I thought it was significant really.

I know that people tend to say 'I'm fine' in social situations, when really they are not necessarily feeling like that inside, and of course, people rarely want to necessarily share their innermost thoughts and feelings - but on the occasions when we do, or feel brave enough to, then sometimes it can be helpful - as then another person can validate that feeling and might even share their own experience which can be helpful.

I'm hoping to do some de-cluttering and sorting out of stuff this afternoon - I have some chores I need to do this morning as well - I've already made a start - so that's good.  I am pleased because I was feeling lethargic and despondent earlier, but gradually I'm coming out of that, and I am focusing on things, so that's good.

Hope 

[Sceal]

Hello Hope,

I'm glad your partner noticed you being distant, and that you verified it too him. It probably did him some good as it did you some good for acknowelding that you're feeling some things right now. I hope you'll be able to declutter your stuff and have a good day, for the rest of the day. 

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Thank you so much -  to you.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 9th August 2018
Yesterday afternoon I opened up my 'Notebook' where I have been keeping notes and also doing various 'diagrams' of my past experiences, and my work on 'Befriending my Parts' - and this was an interesting thing - because I'd been avoiding doing that for a significant period of time, as I had felt a bit over-whelmed - and wanted to pace myself.  I was able to read through quite a lot of what I'd written, and I was so grateful that I'd used diagrams, as they were easy to process - and I was able to see some links and some themes, and write more notes that are helpful.

I also found that I feel a bit more confident that I'm doing ok - using the self-help books of Janina, and Mary - and that I can use those in Tandem so to speak.  Having some structure in this way is helpful, and I like the fact that I am feeling stronger in myself at the moment - so I hope very much that I can progress a bit more as the next few days go on. 


I recognise that I was triggered quite a lot by spending some time with my partner's family on the weekend, and it was only by mid-week that I could function properly again - so I am hoping to try to be ready for similar triggers next weekend, as otherwise the pattern might repeat, and I'd really like to be better able to cope in the beginning of the week - I could get more things done that way.  I really want to do things - and I want to get round the procrastination that I've experienced - I know that is one of my inners who fears what will happen if my life changes - I have to keep reminding that part of myself that we are all safe now.

So, right at this moment, I feel stronger, and I hope to hold onto this feeling and focus on beginning some experiential exercises from Mary Bratton's book - as well as continuing the practice of having the Meditation circles with my inners/fragmented parts - as I was doing that - and writing in my notebook, and themes were coming up that were meaningful and made sense.  So I want to continue that.


My partner told me that last night I was talking to him in my sleep.  Apparently I had said to him "Who are you?" - which had disconcerted him.  He hadn't actually replied to my question as he said he hadn't known what to say - and then I'd apparently settled and was sleeping.  I suggested to him that if that happens again, then maybe he could just say his name and remind me that I'm safe and he's with me.  I was wondering what would have happened if he'd asked me 'Who are you?' and what I might have said back - because I'm presuming I was 'myself' but maybe sometimes in my sleep it might be possible to access a younger inner me - I've noticed that in my writings, that I can connect with younger parts, and that is fascinating to do - and especially when I read back things I've written later - I think "Did I write that?" or I'm surprised by what I've written.

I don't think I'm actually unaware of anything - but I do believe that my consciousness can alter, depending on which part of me is more dominant, and then it feels like doors are opened or closed depending on what they want me to process - I don't know if that makes sense, I'm just writing it as it comes out.  It makes sense to me. 

Anyway, I won't write more for now, as I think I've said what I wanted to say - I am just pleased to be feeling better today. 

Hope