Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Libby183]

Hi Hope.

Just wanted to say a quick hello and hoping that you are getting by in this terribly hot weather. 

Perhaps we will all get a nice burst of energy when this weather finally breaks!

Take care.

Libby.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry - thanks so much for the non-sweaty cool hug, and sending one back to you  - hoping that you're feeling a bit better with the heat - I know you were feeling wordless when you replied to me, and I hope you have a good weekend.

Hi SanMagic - I thought about the visitor (woman sitting on my bed) and wondered who she might be or what she might represent - but nothing came to mind.  She didn't remind me of anyone at all.  So she was a mystery.  She didn't look very happy though - she was sitting with her head down, averting her face.  She was dressed in a grey shawl - I thought she was trying not to be seen.  But she didn't seem threatening - she was just there - sitting.  Doing nothing.  As if she had 'no intent'.  SanMagic - thanks again for the suggestion of the electrolytes - they have made a difference to me - I feel much better - I took them for two days already - and I feel so much better.  Thank you!  I also like your mention of the Umbrella hat - it did bring a smile to me.  Thank you.   

Hi Sceal - Thank you so much for what you said about the apparition I saw of the woman on my bed.  Because I had been presuming that she was a visual hallucination in the state of sleep between sleep and wakefulness, but I think you're right, that I was partially in dream-land and confused what I saw - i.e. what I was seeing with my eyes and in my mind.  This was helpful to hear your thoughts - thank you so much.   

Hi Libby - Thank you so much for popping by and for your lovely message here - and I agree with you that hopefully we might get a good burst of energy once the hot weather goes away - the weather is changing now - rain etc - so it should feel less pressured soon.  I have had some electrolytes in powder form from the pharmacy - this was after SanMagic suggested them, and I went to ask the Pharmacist, and she showed me where they were - and I already feel better for having had 2 days of them.  I must have been suffering from some dehydration.  Hope you have a good weekend, Libby  to you.

*****
Journal Entry on 28th July 2018

I missed yesterday - i.e. didn't journal then, as I was getting over a bad night - I'd had a massive night terror, and it had really frigthened me, and also my partner ended up in shock for a while afterwards too, which then concerned me even more, as I don't want my issues to affect him too much.  I almost felt a bit phobic about going to bed last night, incase the same thing happened again, but thankfully my experience last night was different - I am hoping to write about this later today - in another part of the forum, to try to ask other people about it - because I feel like I need to write about it.  To get it out.

But right now, I'm going to have a cup of tea and just try to relax my mind and body - and centre myself for the day.  Last night was a better night's sleep, and I am feeling better - but I'm being careful and taking things carefully.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 29th July 2018
It helped so much to write about my night terror, and to receive the replies - so many thanks to those people who replied - I really appreciated it.

I slept better last night - no instances of anything worrying - no nightmares, no night terrors, no apparitions.  I was relieved.

I feel a bit 'out of sorts' today though - and I'm having word-finding difficulties- it's like my brain isn't working properly - and I'm thinking that it feels as if I've been triggered into some kind of EF - but I can't think what could have triggered me.  So I'm just trying to ground myself and just be as calm as I can.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hey Hope,
I'm so glad to hear you slept well. Sometimes that can put some wind in back in the sails. 

Out of sorts today though huh? Grounding sounds like a good plan. Maybe some fun reading? Maybe some fun artwork with one of your littles?  My son and I played with play dough yesterday.  He likes to make "layered cakes".

Much love sweetie
Deep Blue

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're taking care of yourself quite well, hope.  and i'm so glad those electrolytes helped.  it's amazing to me how much of a difference they make.

hope you continue to feel better, get your senses and words back.  i can see how something like your vision could be upsetting on many levels, and might take a bit to get thru it.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,
I just wanted to pop by and give you a cup of hot chocolate and a  , if that's okay today?

[Hope67]

Hi DeepBlue - I really like the description of 'layered cakes' that you mentioned - it's lovely that you and your son enjoyed making those together with the play dough.  Sounds like good fun.  Yes, sleeping well is precious - and I feel better today - so things are resolved for now.  Much love to you 

Hi SanMagic - Thanks so much - love and hugs to you too 

Hi Sceal - I am so thankful to you for popping by with that cup of hot chocolate - you are wonderful, and I love the hug too - hugs back to you and thank you for your thoughtfulness.   

****
Journal Entry for 30th July 2018

Last night I dreamed that I was pregnant and about to give birth that very day - and that I had a daughter - about 4 years old as well.  How strange - I don't have any children at all in real life.  It was so realistic that dream, and I told my partner about it today.  Anyway, I slept quite well, and I felt ok with the content of that dream - it was quite a nice feeling - the anticipation of the pregnancy, so that was good.

I hurt my neck yesterday - I think it was some tension that had built up and then I moved awkwardly and pulled my neck muscles a bit.  So that hurts a bit now.  But it's not too bad. 

I feel like I am putting some things off - and I don't like that feeling - but I can't work out which parts of me are involved in the procrastination. 

I can't say more now, as words are drying up again.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 31st July 2018
I am rushing into my Journal this morning, because I was just reading around the forum here, and a couple of people's writings really made me think of some things - and I want to just write about them before they disappear into the ether of my mind.

Blueberry has written a long post in her journal, and it really triggered some memories for me from my own experience - in terms of how Little Hope felt when her F didn't really respond to her emotional needs - there was one example where Little Hope was probably a very little toddler, and she was at a large place with lots of adults - and Little Hope fell into an open fire - not sure why they would have had an open fire without a guard around it, but my memory is that my F did pull me out, but instead of comforting me or explaining to me about the fire, he made Little Hope feel as if she was stupid and clumsy for falling into that fire - as if she did it on purpose.  It was as if he felt shame that people looked at the situation, and he felt it had stopped him looking cool around his fellow adults.  I don't know what he thought - because I as so small, but I remember that incident and wish he could have comforted me.

Similarly when Little Hope was walking along - again very small - possible a toddler or small girl, and she accidentally put her hand into the hand of a stranger - and then that man wriggled to get away from her hand, and she looked up his legs and saw a strange face, and then she ran to her F, but he didn't comfort Little Hope - he was again embarrassed by her - at least that is what Hope feels now, when thinking about it.

Somebody else in the forum - called I Like Vanilla - has written something so helpful too about narcissitic parenting - and how the narcissistic parent takes things from the dependent child - erodes the self - I think she used words like that, and it makes such sense.  It's like the NP doesn't want a child to be independent from them, so they steal their soul.  Then there are numerous losses, along the path of life, which we try to make up, or put right, but which is difficult to do, if we're not equipped to truly face those transitions or feel we don't quite have sufficient support to really 'feel' and 'live' those things.

I wanted to rush here to write this, before it disappeared, as I can already feel my head throbbing - and I suspect I'd not hold onto these thoughts for too long - but I'm grateful to Blueberry and I Like Vanilla for writing such insightful things.  I relate so much to what they both wrote. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

I agree; it is totally abusive. The narcissistic parents steal so much from their children. I am sorry that your NM stole so much from you. I often weep in my T's office when I realize (or finally admit) to another part of my life that my NM stole from me, and reading your post I realize often when was taken was opportunities - to try new things, to learn something new, to pursue an activity that would have made me happy, etc.

I think that this stealing is partly a failure to recognize the children (or anyone else, but their children are an easy target) as separate beings from the NM (or NF). Ironically, I think the stealing is also partly because the NP (Narc parent) recognizes that the child is trying to individuate and the NP must do everything possible to stop the process - the child must, from the NP point of view, remain continuously dependent on, subservient to, and even a part of the NP rather than ever becoming a full Self in an of themselves.

It is not just abusive; it is an attempt to steal our very Selves (which, I guess by definition is also abusive...).

But, I think there is hope. For many of us we somehow managed to tuck our Selves in someplace safe where our NPs could not find it. The key now is to figure out who we are and how to let our Selves out and be safe (protected by us) in the world. I suppose the downside is that by tucking ourselves away we ultimately have to deal with the process of uncovering our Selves and usually while also managing CPTSD. Unlike those with PTSD from a one-off event, who aim to be 'the person they were before the bad thing happen', those of us with childhood-abuse CPTSD are now on the journey of learning who we are (our Selves were so young when we secured them away that parts must now be developed).

I think this board helps with that uncovering process.  It is a complicated, difficult, painful, joyous, and ultimately satisfying process for all of us, but one worth doing. 

I'm not sure if it's possible for me to copy what 'I Like Vanilla' said and bring it here to my Journal - but I've tried - and if it's not ok (i.e. if it's against the rules of the forum in anyway), then I hope that someone will let me know - I don't mean to do anything I'm not supposed to, but I really think that 'I Like Vanilla' said something amazing here, and I wanted to remember it - and have it in my Journal.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Hope,
You have activated the mommy in me again.  I wish I could turn back time and give you comfort for all of those times you were not given it.

You better believe if my son fell in a fire pit or was scared of a stranger I would come running.  Thanks for sharing so honestly here. 

Much love to you sweetie 
Deep Blue

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
Your son is so lucky to have such a wonderful Mum - and I appreciate your kindness in responding to Little Hope's experiences.  Thank you so much.  I wish I could turn back time for you too - so you didn't have to go through the things you've gone through - the ones you'd rather change.

Much love to you too 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

  to you Hope and to Little Hope. I can see why my post was triggering for you. Similar stuff going on. I can't imagine not comforting a child (any child, not just my theoretical own one) I'd just pulled out of a fire. The mind boggles. I also can't imagine not comforting a child who runs to me in panic after becoming attached to the wrong person's hand in a crowd. This happens to very small children sometimes, Hope, I've heard about it before. Nothing for Little Hope to feel ashamed about. I think that when our parents feel ashamed of us that can turn into us feeling embarrassment, among other emotions.

My parents did have a fire guard up around when we were toddlers but there were other instances of safety where they believed in some sort of elitist way that "our children don't need that, our children are too sensible"  and then if I wasn't "sensible" then I felt at fault for not living up to parental expectation even if nothing was said. If something was said, it was even worse for me because it was a load of blaming and shaming, especially the latter. M was unpredictable about the whole issue too though. And yeah embarrassed about toddlers or small children "misbehaving" or "attempting to blackmail" her when they were doing typical toddler things.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry -  to you - and thank you for your reply here, and for the hugs for me and Little Hope.  I found it interesting when you said "when our parents feel ashamed of us that can turn into us feeling embarrassment, among other emotions" - and I do relate to that.  I think that is likely what happened.  I transferred the 'shame' that my F felt - and felt I'd done something wrong, that I was embarrassing to him. 

to your Little Blueberries too - because Little Blueberries and Little Hopes should have been able to enjoy being toddlers and not feel embarrassed about that.

*****
Journal Entry on 1st August 2018
Yesterday, whilst my partner was out, I looked through some photographs of myself and my FOO.  I was in my mid 20's in the photos, and they would be similar ages to what I am now.  What came across to me as I looked at the photos was how much I have dissociated from the emotional content of the photos, the situations and context of them, and also how differently I was processing those things 'now' - i.e. I was able to look at the photos and process things in a 'different' way.  I'm not sure I can put more words on this currently, as I can already feel myself getting worried and defensive about the thought of trying to write about that.  So I won't for now - but I am thinking that I might try using the 'letters to (not to send' part of the forum to try to work through some of that processing - and 'say' some things that I think need to be said and 'got out' of myself.

I've noticed that I've not looked at any 'self-help' books lately - because I have read Janina's book a couple of times, and also Mary Bratton's book - and I'm at the point now where I think the way forward is to do some of the experiential type exercises there.  But at the same time, that feels a bit 'scary' - so something holds me back.

I suspect what holds me back is various of my fragmented/wounded parts - they are concerned for me.  Probably rightly so, as I think it does feel scary to re-process things that I've clearly dissociated from in the past, and I have marvelled at how much protection they have done - to help me through my life to this point - they helped me to stay strong in some ways - but I am aware that they also keep 'closing doors' of my memory - which serves a function to protect me, but has also meant that my eyes were effectively 'closed' and I was in a 'fog' for much of my experiences in life.  I was 'there' of course - experiencing things - but probably numbed to the full experience of those things.  I have also had a tendency to numb myself with over-eating - I can see that I used to binge on high calorie foods - sugary foods - and I still want to return to that when things get very stressful. 

I had a dream last night that myself and my partner had been captured in some kind of Adventure scenario, and we were being 'held captive' - but we had no idea what our fate was going to be.  Yet, it didn't feel scary - it actually felt 'exciting' - like it might if we had been enjoying an Adventure film - and so it didn't feel 'real' that we were actually in that situation.  Maybe I knew it was only a dream...? 

Also, I suppose that I don't feel too scared about a 'captive' scenario, because in many ways I felt as if I was being held captive in some kind of weird cult scenario for my entire younger life - as if I was a Cinderella who never escaped - at least not until I was much older.

Have I escaped even now?  I'm not sure, because I still feel the chains of obligation somehow - even though I'm not in contact anymore, I still feel them.  Still feel some guilt - can't really access my true 'feelings' - what do I feel?  I'm not sure.  I don't think I feel any emotions particularly strongly.  Yet sometimes, my little inners are showing me some very intense feelings - of fear, and distress.

My partner told me that he had feared that the neighbours would call the police on the night that I had the night terror - because he said I literally screamed like the worse screams he had heard - even on a film!  I always think that they exaggerate screams on a film, for their dramatic effect - but he said that even the worse case of that exaggeration, he had never heard me scream so loudly - in utter fear and panic.  Yet I don't know what I'd seen in the night terror - I just felt immense fear. 

I do worry for him, as that must be hard to cope with.  That makes me feel very sad - and a real strong emotion of sadness has just come up in my throat - maybe I do feel emotions more than I realise - I just can't necessarily relate to where they come from, and having a rationale of 'parts' is helpful - as I think it's different parts who feel these things. 

Anyway, I've written far more than I thought I would today!

Hope 

[Hope67]

1st August 2018 cont'd.
Back again - because I've just been watching a TV programme which is all about 'what happens next' in 'Long Lost Families' - and it's a UK programme that I had taped.  Basically it shows what happens to people who have re-connected with family - following long separations - and I don't watch it very often - probably only ever seen one previously - but this one had themes of a woman who had re-connected with her M, and another was a woman who had met a brother.  It made me cry quite a lot - very emotional.  But what I noticed was that I felt the lack of a maternal bond with my own M - it was like the people would describe bonding with their daughter or their mother, and feeling that strong connection and maternal bond - and I was thinking to myself - I don't even recall my M hugging me or comforting me - I don't feel a bond between her and I.  I wonder if there ever was one.  It's very sad. 

The TV programme depicted people getting on well after long periods of separation, but there was one example where the lady said she'd 'rushed things' with her brother, and he hadn't wanted to keep contact - as she'd rushed into doing too many things at once.  It made me wonder about my relationship with my sister - did we rush things - we should have taken more time to try to re-bond. 

But then I think again that she is hooked into a very different set of beliefs to myself - i.e. like a Cult kind of thing that she believes in, and I don't want to go from having been excessively controlled by a FOO to being connected to a sister who similarly wants to control me and make me take her ideology on board.

Anyway, it has given me a lot of mixed feelings - which were already there, but I guess the programme has stirred up my emotions.  I'm glad to have cried though, as I think I needed to get those tears out - and express some grief about loss of relationships - and wishing they had been different.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

  to you Hope. I think you're so courageous keeping on going with books and here with TV programmes, going about your own healing without a T.

ime you're wise to stay away from someone who seems to want to push you into believing the ideology she does. i've been very triggered by that kind of behaviour from people, including an old T, in the past. At that time it was still so easy for me to be swept up into a position of me underdog-in-awe believing Great God and Saviour Therapist. I can see how easy it was for my T to abuse this now. It was similar for me with my brothers, even though they don't have any kind of strange religious beliefs, just beliefs about how things 'have to' be in our FOO and what I 'have to put up with'.