Messages

Hearing you and sending support and compassion. 

For now I'm in a small sense of safety and balance but overwhelm is not too far away, but with continued self care I hope I can continue to be a little bit more present and not dissociate as much.

I can relate to a great deal of what you wrote. I am just out of a 9 day "crazy time" (Walker would say EF). I also feel that small sense of safety, but know overwhelm is not far away. Supporting you, as I also focus on "grounding."

  Being able to feel and embrace your anger.
     "I also think that I've been able to observe my feelings and reactions to things - and put some labels on the feelings - which is something I've not tended to do previously - and I must admit to feeling some sense of excitement about these things."

Hope, lots of insights and growth in just this one post. Thank you for sharing. Supporting you in your journey. 

One thing that's really bothering me is I smiled as I told her about the SH. I smiled the same way when I was a kid any time I was scared or felt embarrassed or cornered. I hate that I did this.

When you were a child, smiling was an armor that protected you. I'm guessing that you needed that armor because there wasn't an adult to care for you when you felt scared, embarrassed or cornered. You've worn that armor for a long time. Please don't beat yourself up that it is still there. It was needed in childhood and it takes time to replace that protection with new skills and resources. You didn't do anything wrong.

Also what to send you compassion and a hug in your pain. 

Hi MoonBeam,

Glad you told your therapist and that she was kind and supportive. I also sometimes fear that some day my therapist will say, "You are too crazy for me!" So far that hasn't happened and there have been some very rough waters.

I haven't SH in decades, yet after diving into dealing with CSA, the temptation has been there, sometimes very strong. I don't have answers, but want you to know that I understand having that impulse. 

Update: I saw my therapist last night. My session didn't "cure" all the feelings and thoughts I was experiencing, but it did calm the waves. No longer feel like I am drowning. Now I am trying to comfort and reassure all the parts who were in such turmoil last week. Not easy, because the adult me was feeling pretty crazy too. One step at a time and breathe! Thanks to all for your support. 

Love it.

I love how you dealt with this situation in a creative way and with your sense of humor. (Glad your son had fun on the retreat with no injuries!)

Welcome, Rudi. 

Still feeling like I'm drowning. Hard to even know what to write here, but I wanted to check in and thank you for your support. It really does help.

I wish that I could send out life-rafts or buoyancy aids to each and every part of you - so that you can stay safe and breathe.  I just want you to know that you are 'heard' and that your feelings matter.  Sending a supportive and gentle hug, if that's ok   

Hope, your gentle words of caring are always a comfort to me. The idea of buoyancy aids is a lovely one and I have visualized that throughout this week.

MoonBeam, having times of floating and not being in the turbulent waves is a good picture. I appreciate your words of support. I have read many of your posts and our paths have many similarities.

Blueberry, six days is a long time (8 now). I appreciate your acknowledgment that this is hard.

Trying to take one moment at a time right now and breathe and stay afloat.

relieved to find that theres a reason for all the madness.

Yes.  And I have found it to be so helpful to have people who understand. Welcome.

MoonBeam,
Glad you posted. I think secrets do loose power when shared. You probably were trying to get relief from the pain. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Sending you care in your pain and shame. Understand. 

We were made to connect deeply with our mothers. To not have that connection or to have it terribly broken is very unnatural. Very understandable that you are experiencing distress and heartache.  My heart goes out to you.

For six days I've been drowning. Had a few hours with my head above water, I felt like a person. Now drowning again. The people see and think, "she's playing in the water," because I interact and act normal and do what needs to be done. But inside I am drowning and then more thoughts and feelings come and I am pulled even deeper into the water. Tried Walker's 13 steps. Doesn't work, doesn't fit. My T said breathe. He said lots more, but the most I can manage is a deep breath when I remember. I feel like I am going crazy.

They say the adult is supposed to reassure the little parts, but ALL the parts are in turmoil and confusion. What then? Just keep trying to come to the surface to take another breath of air before going back down?

On top of that, yesterday I was thinking about people who have left me (not related to drowning). Today I was at a restaurant and one of those people was there. Like the knife being turned.

Feel like I should delete this. So tired of being in so much pain and confusion that I am so focused on me. Is this taking care of me to send this? I don't even know.

Congratulations to your son and you (moms deserve credit!). Wishing you peace on this trip. You have good boundaries and a good understanding of yourself and others. Keep trusting yourself. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.