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I guess my inner child is in deep pain right now. I hope in writing this I am doing right by it, showing I am not ignoring it but trying to approach things in manageable sustainable ways to work with it and process such difficult feelings

I hope she is getting what is the most healing for her! 

   

I called in sick to work today. Feel guilty. Lied when they asked my symptoms. She probably didn't believe me because I don't normally lie so I'm pretty bad at it.  I've never called in sick for cPTSD issues. Have always forged ahead no matter how bad things were. Difficult therapy session yesterday. Might write about that later. Got through yesterday with friends and then xanax. Just can't face dealing with a new client today.   

SharpAndBlunt,
Hearing how down and discouraged you are. Difficult feelings. Hope you feel warmth and caring in this hug. 

It is a whole lot to deal with. Sending compassion to you.

Always appreciate your drawings. I know the sleeplessness and non-stop thoughts and memories. Hope you are able to get a nap in today and a little break from the distress.

Wow. Powerful. Sad.

I was born into captivity,
with wild beasts as my keepers.

They were unable to abide me,
unable to rise to their responsibilities.

Themselves isolated in their cage,
they isolated me further.

No-one came to look through the bars
as they tormented me.

There were no visitors to this
particular zoo of relentless assaults.

Can relate to all of your poem, but especially this part and "it carries the wounds of its confinement
for ever, inside its beaten body and soul." You express yourself powerfully. Thank you for sharing.

  Sending care to you.

A while back I took a xanax because everything was way too hard. When I told my therapist that I took it, I felt like you, that I had lost a little battle. His response surprised me, "Good!" He said he'd rather me take a xanax then be completely overwhelmed and upset. It sounds like you are aware and careful that you are not overdoing it. Look at it as another tool that you are using. Those tools are there for when you need them and right now you need them. (I am talking to myself right now too!) Your therapist, friend, and husband are caring for you by telling you it is okay to take those medications. May I add my voice to theirs? It is okay. You are not doing anything wrong. You are helping yourself and that is a good thing. 

Sounds like a scary dream, yet at the same time, great that you fought back.

I was browsing on Amazon and saw it. It seemed to fit my struggles so I ordered it. I started reading it then had to put it away for several weeks because one of her examples of abuse was triggering. I've slowly started reading it again. She gives exercises to do. I haven't tried any yet. Will finish reading it then go back and decide what activities to try. Let me know if you decide to order the book, and if so, what you think.

Beautiful. You definitely captured the feeling of peace.

You are very welcome! I understand about six drafts. I have done the same thing and then there were times that I posted something and then 10 seconds later removed the post.  I know how it is when every day is so difficult. Glad you found the courage to post. It was not too long and I can relate to some of what you have gone through. 

 

Glad you received a reply. 

Thank you for taking the time to share this. I look forward to seeing the future posts on other skills that you've learned.