no returns

[sanmagic7]

armee and notalone, your words gave me such comfort and so much validation.  thank you ever so.  sometimes it's difficult to see thru the neg. and realize what else is there.   

this resentment thing is new to me even tho i was in a similar situation w/ D1.  she had many mental and physical problems (aside from being abusive to me) and i never felt resentment at her ingratitude for everything i was doing for her.  never felt angry at what she was doing to me.  always excused her behavior as a result of her illness, didn't allow myself neg. feelings because of that as well.

just before i moved to mex., i began having nightmares where i would be physically and verbally fighting w/ my sister.  they were horrible, and when i woke up from them i'd have to keep myself awake (usually at the computer) for 3-5 hrs. before the images in my mind would finally fade away.  this happened for several years.

finally, at one point, it dawned on me that i was transposing my sister (who had also been abusive) for my D1.  i'd shielded my right to be angry at D1 for so long, but it was still there, hidden away in my subconscious.  when i was able to realize my sister was taking the place of D1 in those nightmares, they stopped.  immediately.  never came back.  but i was finally able to know i had a right to be angry w/ her for how she treated me, illness or not.  it was one of the biggest breakthroughs for me.

so, this idea of resentment toward my D is new, and has no connection to what i couldn't feel w/ D1.  it's just weird that i even mentioned it here - normally that would've been something i'd hide cuz of the guilt and shame attached to it.  and that just came up now - guilt and shame.  still having a difficult time being 'human'.  still having a difficult time recognizing feelings/emotions.  guilt and shame must come, yet again, from my F's expectations that i be perfect.  dang, will it never end!

[Bach]

san

[sanmagic7]

thank you, bach, for that big hug.  at this moment if felt soothing.

[Not Alone]

San, I don't know if this will make sense. I'm processing a bit as I write. Even when my children were babies there were times that I resented when they cried. Of course they cried, they were babies and had needs. I was just tired and worn out. I still loved them and wanted to soothe and care for them AND I was human and had my own needs (sleep) that weren't being cared for. Part of what I am growing in is the ability to be able to hold two seeming opposite feelings at the same time. For example, on my trip last year, I was disappointed that we weren't able to see a large section of the park and I was grateful for the beautiful parts that I was seeing. Both were true.

Bottom line is that it is okay for you to be human and have needs. That doesn't diminish your love for your daughter.

[sanmagic7]

Bottom line is that it is okay for you to be human and have needs

notalone, this is something i need to tell myself on a daily basis, i think.  thank you for reminding me.  it's still a strange concept to me, what with not having emotions/feelings for so long, so this idea is still pretty new.  i appreciate your example as well.  thank you so much - your timing was perfect!

doing ok, still struggling w/ allowing my D to be where she is, which is pretty terrible for her, difficult for me.  so frustrating that i can't help her.  talked w/ my T about it yesterday, and we flashed it to the point where i am now less stressed about it, because she has good people - me, T, her doc -  around her all looking out for her.  that was good to realize and took some of the burden off me.

[Not Alone]

It's good to remember that there are other good people caring for your D also.

I have a sentence written on my wall in chalk (the old fashioned chalk board chalk). It washes off with water. I thought of that when you said that you need to tell yourself daily that it's okay to be human.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone.  maybe i'll put up a poster saying 'iti's ok to be human' so i can see it every day.  what a grand idea.  thanks. 

just thinking about being human is kind of a mystery to me.  rules and regulations instilled from infancy (i'm guessing, but i believe it's true) have all been against my being human.  my T said my parents 'consistently dehumanized' me.  so, while i can tell myself it's ok to be human, i'm not always sure what that means. 

being raised like that is what i like to call a schizophrenic environment.  being forced to live 2 distinct ways at the same time.  living in both a reality and non-reality, while trying to make sense of both opposing perspectives and then functioning in them at the same time.  it's no wonder i was void of humanity w/in myself, and feeling confused at the same time why i wasn't able to interact well with others. 

on the surface, i was the life of the party, but i was usually drunk or stoned so not really me, and i could get alone, tell jokes, laugh incessantly, but i remember several times when i would get stuck if someone would ask me a direct question.  that still happens to this day.  luckily my D heard me attempting to make a doc appt., and when they asked for my phone #, i couldn't remember it, started looking for it.  she came to my rescue, told me to use hers.

i know lots of people don't remember their phone #'s but, to me, it's an example of being 'put on the spot' about something relatively easy to answer and grappling around inside my head to find an answer that will fit.  'how are you?' 'how are you feeling?' 'what do you think about so and so?'  at times those were all impossible questions for me to answer.  often, they still are.

so, to remind myself to be human, while i can put up that sign, i will often still rely on people here to define it for me.  it was someone from here who suggested i had alexithymia when i wondered about how many people were angry on my behalf becuz of an incident, and i was not angry at all.  honestly, it seems like there is always some kind of blockage to what might seem to be the smallest goal.  i'm so tired.

[Blueberry]

Bottom line is that it is okay for you to be human and have needs. That doesn't diminish your love for your daughter.

Hugs to you san.

It's a new idea for me too, but when I read that whole post from Not Alone, it makes total sense. (Thanks Not Alone.)

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry, for your support and care.

[sanmagic7]

***************** TW ******************  images and metaphors of being bound by past memories ************************




an interesting session w/ my T this morning has opened my eyes to the pain and hurt i've suffered at the hands/mind of my ex.  an image came to me of standing in our family living room entirely wrapped in razor wire, bound to the point that i couldn't get out of it by myself, and had no one to help me remove those metal blades from my skin.  i know my D would help me, except she doesn't want to hear anything bad about her F, so i've lived decades wrapped up, not realizing it, nor the wounds i've been struggling against.

my original question was why i continue to be so horribly triggered by anything, especially in the shows i watch (rom-coms, sitcoms, fun stuff) which are normally fluff and distraction.  when this image came up for me, it made me realize that those bonds were still wrapped tightly around me, and any suggestion of neg. relationship stuff would set me off, spinning, disturbed, distressed, full-blown flashbacks, and the added emotions and feelings i'd never had while it was happening to me.

as we did some emdr flash technique, i saw how those blades had been embedded into my skin, and any suggestion of what i might have experienced with him caused them to cut me over and over. it showed how very singularly trapped i've been.  i was able to think of my T as wanting to help me get out of those wires, and saw her w/ thick, heavy gloves gently unwrapping me from the neck down.  by the time i'd had enough, there was enough razor wire on the floor of our then living room to cover the entire space, and i still wasn't free, but i couldn't handle anymore.  we'll work on it again during our next session.

it was a revelation for me, the pain and hurt he'd enveloped me in by his lies over more than 3 decades of being in either our marriage or even after.  he took advantage of me, humiliated me, tested me to see how far he could go, and kept going farther because i didn't know enough to see what he was doing.  i remember him telling me w/ pride in his voice (after relating how he'd fooled his female therapist for over 1 1/2 yrs. into believing he was really a good guy) - 'i'm a great liar.' 

it still took me a few years and an incident w/ my D1, with which he was involved, before i decided i'd had enough and went NC with them both.  it was a terrible day for me, brought me to my knees, and i was ready to give up.  for unknown reasons, i'd begun receiving emails from  someone who had been making a study of NPD's, and i began researching in earnest.  fit them both to a 't', but at least i began learning what i'd been dealing with.

so, today, after the beginnings of the unwrapping, for the first time i felt some bit of hopefulness about getting out from under him.  it's a new feeling, one i'd not experienced before, but it felt good.  here's hoping i can get the rest of those blades out of me so i might have a chance to heal from those wounds.  i know it will take a while, but it's helped me understand why these triggers hit me so hard over and over, even after nearly 4 yrs. of working on NPD stuff.  insidious, to say the least.

[Not Alone]

Dear San, what a powerful image. If it helps. . . I would gently apply some soothing balm to the parts of your skin that were set free today.

[Armee]

I love Not Alone's suggestion. 

San this is massively hard to face what you are facing. You are so brave to face it, so strong to have endured what you endured finding a way through that preserved your life. You are also so very creative and I know you will find your way through this razor wire and pain to some healing.

[Papa Coco]

San,

I agree with everyone here when I say WOW what a powerful image. I can almost feel it with you. Your image of being wrapped in barbed wire is a very telling image of how it truly feels to spend 30 years in the clutches of a narcissistic liar.

I feel the hopefulness that you describe in your final paragraph. It's sort of freeing that your brain is now able to see this for what it really was. A 30 yearlong entrapment. It's painful, but it's a fresh look. It takes all the responsibility for your bad feelings off you and puts it squarely onto your xh's razor wire.

I'm excited to hear how you and your therapist will be able to move forward with this now.

And, I hope you're able to do as NotAlone suggests, and give some nurturing, loving care to the thousands of cuts you are now unwrapping the razor wire from. I've fought off blackberry vines in my yard for decades, and what it has taught me is that with care and ointments, cuts do heal.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, an excellent idea.  my arms aren't quite free yet, but i do have some antibiotic ointment i'll be applying (and be able to picture my T applying it to my back) when i am completely free of this.  thank you for the suggestion.  love it! 

for the first time, at least w/ him, i also think a lot of these triggers will finally be diminished, armee.  thank you for your kind words and ongoing support.

PC, it was a surprise to me how the image took shape.  never consciously thought of it in such a way, but, boom, there it was.  i am feeling a bit numb right now after this visualization, and maybe that's a form of nurturing for the present.  i'll be returning to it Fri. w/ my T.  thanks so much for your support and care.

so, yeah, just kinda numb about it all today.  not in a bad way, but maybe in a way that a numbing solution was showered over me so i don't have to actually feel the pain and hurt - i think that would be too much.  flash technique might have taken the feelings out of the equation.  that's a good thing.  i can't imagine the amount of pain this might have incurred.

still waiting to hear for sure about where we'll be living in june.  we were supposed to have been sent the paperwork the first week of april, but it's not here.  so the tension mounts again.

i wrote before about feeling some resentment towards having to care for my D while she's going thru this horrific anxiety loop she can't get out of and i told my T about it.  she wanted to emdr it away, but i said 'no'.  for one thing, this feels more natural and appropriate to have this feeling, and i didn't want to get rid of that.  being new to feelings, it's like i wanted to do this as a human would.

for another thing, this is a sort of flashback to the days of D1, all the caretaking i had to do for her and never let myself feel anything like resentment or anger for how she treated me.  like i told my T, i've learned that just because you're sick and needy doesn't give you a license to kill. the difference between caretaking my 2 D's is remarkable to behold.  so, as much as i hate that my D is going thru this, it's provided me w/ a valuable realization.

i don't know how i've made it this far, this long.

[CactusFlower]

I agree, that's very powerful! Hopefully you can take all our support and care as you unwrap that and envision it as cut-proof gloves. Gentle hugs as you unwrap.