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Good to see you around again, Candid. Have missed you.

Good to hear you've being making steps forward too. 

Another post reminded me of this thread and that I haven't written anything for a couple of days. I thought about it, maybe on Saturday, but felt embarrassed. Not Blueberry posting again. That thought written out makes me feel sad. How simple is it to write on this thread and how beneficial instead of going into an EF for the day. Maybe I would've had the EF anyway, but a little less long? Or less deep?

Min. Three Good Things in past couple of days:
1) I cycled somewhere on Saturday through lovely countryside.
2) I got there faster than I'd imagined, so maybe my fitness levels are improving a bit.
3) My apartment is full of flowers, most of which I'd pruned from the garden.
4) I refreshed my knowledge of wild plants and their uses, as well as learning some new ones and finally being able to distinguish three similar ones with purply-blue flowers.
5) Last week I was doing well with my eating-disorder
6) Finally bought two small items I've been looking for for a while, buying one of them certainly a self-care thing.
7) Coming onto OOTS even if it is the middle of the night, it's helping me process what's being going on last little while
8. On Saturday I taught using a game I permitted myself to make a little while ago. I remember posting on here that I'd permitted myself to make it, despite that being time-consuming compared to the usefulness of it in teaching. But here I was using it already and finding it useful for that student. Maybe the most useful thing being that it helped me? The game is a black and white printout which I wrote different things on, coloured in in places, and added a gold-coloured frame in crayon. Particularly the gold-coloured frame makes me happy.

This is great! Reminds me of Three Good Things a day which I haven't written in for a couple of  days.

Yes, good luck to you sanmagic! You've accomplished so much in so short a time, getting out of Mexico and to your daughter's and then to finding your own little place.   

Standing beside you, Dee. C-PTSD is totally unfair. We didn't want the treatment that caused it in the first place and we don't want reminders and memories of that treatment come flying up out of the past either.

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So just posted under having a hard day (or hard night?) No, actually, it's maybe not such a hard night as I'm awake and beginning to realise why yesterday was hard. After posting under Having a Hard Day, I'm now capable of writing in my Journal. [To help with readability of long posts / walls of text, I'm going to bold rough topics per paragraph or so.]

A few things from the past few days: 1) dreaming about FOO - I came across my sibs, their SOs, and kids, somewhere outside going for a walk, but they were all turned toward me each family as a little group. In the nearer group my SIL with whom I have a number of problems was very dominant - I didn't really notice the others. In the other group, I noticed particularly the kids and was happy to see them. B1 I noticed too, that wasn't as bad as noticing my other SIL. I would have had to get past SIL and the near group to get as far as the further group and especially the kids. That actually felt nightmarish. In the past I had nightmares about coming across FOO all the time, I'd always try and hide and not be seen. This time I was seen but it didn't feel good to me.

Maybe that's the message too. I decided a number of months ago not to have contact with my sibs before I get over the nasty happenings last summer just in order not to lose contact with the kids (all under 12 years at the moment), especially my god-daughter. Does that sentence make sense? The old me, before last summer, might have swallowed the pain and kept in some form of contact with sibs and SILs in order to keep in contact with kids, but the new developng me decided: "No. Not worth it. Me and my healing and peace of mind go first." The only contact I do have with the kids now is the occasional card I write and send or birthday cards and presents. And none of that with their parents. I know it's a tricky situation, but I feel at the moment that none of what went on last summer had anything to do with the kids.

2) (another thing from past few days) remembering how FOO especially M and B1 used to berate me for being on my own when I was growing up, and call me a "loser". "You don't have any friends, you're such a loser". Remembering was triggered by my going on a talk /guided tour on my own on Saturday and going to some sort of other event on my own for max. an hour on Sunday. On the Sunday event, I was actually gleaning information and making a couple of decisions; in this particular case having somebody with me might have been just distracting. I didn't miss anybody anyway. On the Saturday event, it was easy to chat to the other people on the tour and I didn't feel lonely or awkward. I personally don't even have a problem being on my own! It's just this old memory. And the fact that this loser/failure theme out of my past is pretty painful. I do do things with friends, I'm not even on my own all the time or anything, but I also happen to like being on my own too. And I certainly prefer to do something / go somewhere on my own than not go at all, just because I can't find anybody else interested in going. Aha, yes, this topic came up in T for some reason last time. Maybe that's why it's come up again now. I'm working against FOO and their mores

When I try and write Recovery Letters of anger to post on here, the anger disappears, as do the words. So for the moment I'm posting these realisations on here. Like the amount of hurt with the loser/failure theme. I also thought today: is that what caring parents do? Accuse a child of being a loser/failure for not having (enough) friends? In what way is this accusation going to help?
I don't actually remember F joining in, but he didn't say anything to the contrary either. And B1, though not actually that much older than me, had a position of great importance in FOO, especially his opinions, his word, in some ways he was a bit like M's partner. So the accusations from him, which also went uncommented by F, hit really hard.

3) my own email to M and F recently. It's good in a way that there's been no answer, on the other hand, I could do with an answer sometime to know where I stand, since it's on financial issues. It's only been a few days though. It seems longer. My feeling for time is often all pretty mixed up. Something to do with being in Inner Child mode some of the time, apparently.

Min. 3 Good Things in last few days:
1. Had another cleaning and tidying spree today
2. Yesterday when I brought my laundry in from the garden it smelled so fresh, almost sweet! It was amazing. It still smelt that way while I was folding it up and putting it away.
3. I brought some more fresh garden flowers into my apartment yesterday.

The rest of the good stuff I can think of off-hand is in my other recent posts.

Wishing you lots of luck and sending you 

In my case, I'm often convinced that no one wants to know or read anything I have to say anyway. So sometimes what happens is a need to explain thoroughly what I'm trying to say. That very need is an insidious effect of cptsd--if one felt unheard before, that compulsion to explain more fully and/or just vent easily becomes habitual. ...

That said, I think one place where wordiness can play a role is in the 'recovery journals', which are designed to be more reflective than much of the back-forth forum discussions.

Woodsgnome, I too tend to a compulsion to explain very thoroughly so nobody can be in any doubt as to what I mean. And yes, this has to do with the atmosphere I grew up in. Yes, indeed, the insidious nature of CPTSD. Of FOO's refusal to understand me.

I do agree with you that Recovery Journals is a place where we can maybe be a bit wordier, though I think that even there paragraphs are a good idea, as Dee suggests. You do put in paragraphs though as far as I know.

[Tues. 23 May]

More progress with this troublesome client yesterday: Today is a public holiday and schools round here all closed tomorrow, so quite a few people with school-age children go away for a long weekend. The children of Troublesome Client come Fridays, so last week I asked via email if they would be coming this Friday or would they like the lesson at a different time. Get back to me on this one by Tues. 23 May, in bold, so hard to miss. Mon. evening I considered sending a reminder email, then realised: "No! That's their job." First item of progress.

Yesterday afternoon an email came saying children would come at 11 AM or 2 PM, if the message isn't too late. I wrote back saying: "Actually, your message is too late. I'll see the children next Fri." Second item of progress.

And now as my contract stands it's up to them to get back to me on finding a different date and time for tomorrow's lesson. So I don't even lose any money this way, but I think even if I were to, I would've gone through with this. It's time this mother got her act together or dealt with the consequences. She signed my contract after all.

Sounds like great progress in multiple ways. Yay for you! 

One of my coping mechanisms as a child, which I had started by 8 years old at the latest, feels pretty addictive and very hard not to do when I'm triggered in a few particular ways, though I'm not always sure what these ways are. I'm not triggered and catapulted into this coping mechanism as often as I am into eating / denying myself food and healthy drinks (like water) and pulling out my hair, but when I'm there, wow, has it been hard to not eventually give way.

We have worked on it a bit in T, I think even via screen technique and cutting off the emotional connection between me and perpetrator, I mean I think that was the last topic in screen technique. So last time the impulse came to carry out this coping mechanism, I did what my T had suggested which was lay my hands on my stomach and try and feel from the point of view of NOW what the Inner Child(ren) feel. Self-hate was the answer. I was however able to refrain from doing the coping mechanism and also the impulse went away. It wasn't a case of white-knuckled abstinence. The only way of getting rid of the impulse used to be acting on it. This morning I had the impulse again, and again I put my hands on my stomach. I didn't get any answer as to what the Inner Child(ren) were feeling, it was just blank, but again the impulse disappeared. This is huge progress for me. So I'm giving myself     

Well, I finally sent an email to M and F. It's just on financial and inheritance issues. No past stuff. Since I've actually sent it, I'm not posting it in here under Recovery Letters. Nonetheless, it's not easy for me stating what I think would be best in the present and future since that's different from what M and F are suggesting. Nor is it easy because of my recently setting a couple of limits via email. Not that there's any reason they would even read it tonight far less finish discussing it themselves and send a reply, but to be on the safe side, I've closed my email. The progress is that I've not shut down the computer and left the room which is what I did last time I sent those difficult emails. Yay! Progress.     

Hi Sunbear,
I really enjoy my garden too. I won't be posting any photos, but I can write a little about it and my harvests some time.

Good one, Dee. Unfortunately I'm one of these people who posts a bit too long sometimes.    That's partly connected to my problems. Doesn't mean I can't work on it though.

As a similar request, I'd especially appreciate it if posts in Welcome Mat were not super long. At the moment I generally don't read them, and that's a shame for me, but also for the new people posting. One less person to get to know the new people, welcome them, provide feedback and validation etc. I find long posts in Welcome Mat particularly difficult because other than it being an introduction to the person with or without trigger warning, I don't know what to expect. It's hard for me to read so much about somebody I don't know yet from the forum.
Thank you,
Blueberry