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Hi solongStockholm,

Been there, countless times. With increased healing it's been lessening.

Comparing oneself with others doesn't help. My FOO was always comparing me with others when I was growing up, and also belittling my emotional pain. They talked about people with "real problems" and that I had invented my own anyway. Children and teenagers with "real problems", that would be those cases you'd read about in the newspaper, as if other problems don't count. I certainly have "real problems" now, like can hardly work.

Anyway, I think my tendency to make light of my own problems stems from what I always heard growing up and the more I learn to distance myself from FOO the more I learn to trust my own judgement. People like in inpatient therapy reacting to what I was saying has helped a lot too. That's validating. Like: "while you were saying that, my arm went numb" or "Look, I'm crying at your pain too".

Agree also with Moonlighter - give yourself rewards and congratulate yourself on all the progress you've been making. I hope I'm allowed to give you a 

Thank you, Three Roses! 

I wanted to write what I achieved today, but it's so embarrassingly small and minor that I might beat myself up internally or even do some self-injury if I write it. But at least I'm writing that I achieved one of the things I had intended to do today.

RobinSystem, you don't have to consciously remember events for them to be traumatising.

Also, I don't think there is such a criterion as "bad enough". Apart from what all I experienced in my family growing up, I was in addition traumatised by a very minor medical event.  Way way more minor than you experienced. In fact what you describe is one of the classic examples given in my country for childhood medical traumatisation.

I used to ask myself if it really was that bad and wasn't I exaggerating etc? But I know that was partly because of years of invalidation on the part of my family of origin. If you feel that your experiences were bad, then I'm sure they were. Welcome here  I hope you get as much support and clarity and information as I have found in the past few days. You actually joined up before me.

What your therapist said is interesting for me. I immediately thought of the explanation I was given for trauma affecting the brain, that before you heal the trauma there are bits of memory scattered about. Memory of sound in one part of your brain, the visuals somewhere else, the narrative in a third place etc. and that one thing they're trying for in EMDR or whatever other method is to bring all these parts of the puzzle together.

I imagine it's normal for us anyway, as another side effect of c-ptsd.

I used to have a really good memory, like an elephant  . It took a nose dive when FOO recommended I forget those bad things that might have happened (and forgive of course too). I tried so hard to forget I lost the good memories too. I'd had really beautiful and colourful visual memories of the natural world, holidays, pets.... I lost them and they've never come back, tho lots of the bad memories re-surfaced of course. My visual memory has remained bad. Then my memory took a further nose dive when I got retraumatised about 5 years ago and dissociated completely. Since then I've had a lot of trouble remembering really basic stuff in day-to-day life.

I got 79, with one yellow (Abuse awareness). Self care 11, Abuse awareness 8, Detachment 13, Support network 10, Blame/accountability 11, Anger awareness 12, Realistic view of family 14. After many years of therapy and work on self. But I do know that I have made a lot of progress  and I will keep going.

Strangley enough, part of me is having a laugh. Maybe the if-you-can't-be-good-at-being-good-then-best-be-bad? We used to compare marks at school when I was about 12. The person who 'won' was the person with the lowest mark. Years later a few of us talked about the time and it turned out - surprise surprise - we'd all been really, really unhappy. But that was a time and a society in which you didn't talk about having problems.

I'm not actually even sure that my mother has NPD. She's certainly got some of the traits, but others no, totally not. I'm sure she's got uC-PTSD though. That doesn't excuse her by any means. She could work on her own problems and she certainly ought to have tried in my childhood.

Does anybody know why there is such an emphasis on narcisstic mothers? As opposed to fathers? I don't think my father is narcisstic, but why the emphasis on the 'evil' mother? In my FOO's current view, I'm at fault for more or less everything, and if anybody else is at fault then my mother. So that's the two females in the family. The three males are all innocent as the day they were born, struggling with two difficult women. So not true of course, but that's the way they see it, not knowing about family dynamics, enablers etc.

I've been diagnosed with two different personality disorders, both in Cluster C. It was a relief to me quite frankly. Better than just years of the diagnosis 'depressive episode'. The way personality disorders were explained to me: my childhood was so bad that instead of me merely acting anxious and frightened most of the time, anxiety, fear and even panic became part of who I am. Because of the way FOO treated me.

I have the impression that here in OOTS when people are talking about PD they tend to mean NPD or BPD, but I have heard the same for these too. That you're not born with them, they develop because of the way you're treated. A psychotherapist cum psychiatrist, the head of a trauma clinic I've been in,  says 90% of BPD sufferers got there due to c-ptsd. So even if you have a PD, it's just another symptom of your c-ptsd. No cause for panic. Doesn't mean you're a bad person.

I don't know about NPD but I certainly know that people can lessen the symptoms of BPD. I don't know if you can heal all the way, but you can certainly heal some way, just like we can (and do) from c-ptsd.

I also second what SoLongStockholm writes.

Dee, I know from other posts of yours that you are strong. Hang in there. Good luck. Can't write more.

Your last post makes me so sad, bring em all in, I mean that stupid, insensitive teacher's comment, and your parents not taking any baby photos as you were. So from me 

Oh, what a beautiful post, ThreeRoses! 

Oh, yes. I can relate! It sounds similar to my not finding the words I need. Or sometimes I jumble up words in the sentence or even syllables in words.
I'm getting confused about what is where, another common habit of mine. But if you check my Hello post (where new members post a bit about themselves) from just a couple of days ago you'll see what one of the regular posters on here has to say. I think it was along the lines of when you're in an EF the language part of your brain shuts down or is compromised. The poster gave me a specific name of this part of the brain, which I can't recall right now. Sigh.

Anything that can be done? I don't know of anything specific. For me, it's one of these myriad of symptoms which sometimes improve seemingly out of the blue, but more likely because of some progress I'm making in therapy.
Hope somebody else has more concrete ideas.

My professional work is language-based so it's really debilitating. But also not surprising, considering the importance of every single solitary word when I was growing up.

Thanks for clarifying "action replays". I'd say I've done some of that type of work in imaginative form with inner children. I guess that's going at it from a different angle.
Otherwise I agree with sanmagic "we do the best we can at the time". And you did too!  So  to you.

I never feel too creative when I have to think of a name (or email address or sth). I tend to blank. If I had a cat, which I don't, I'd probably call it Cat.

So Blueberry is actually pretty creative. 
All things nature are a source of inspiration and calm to me. I was musing on the different countries I've lived in, and berries just popped into my head. First I was thinking of different types of berries with pretty 'local' names. But decided I'd rather have a berry name that doesn't immediately place me geographically. Plus, blueberries are meant to be really healthy. I'm not always too good at self-care, including nutritious eating, so it's good for me to have a gentle reminder of that, rather than my name focussing on bad things that have happened to me or problems I have.

Wife#2: What does the 'u' in uBPD stand for? Keep seeing lowercase 'u' in acronyms and I'm not understanding...

I agree with the others on this too, Fen. I can't write more though.