Snookie's journal

[marta1234]

Hi Snookie, I wanted to come by and send you a supportive hug. It seems like you have a lot on your plate right now, so I hope that completing the work helped ease the panic a bit. Though, I feel you when you describe your emotions being dysregulated, hope you get better and that the panic soothes down. 
Wish I could say more to help, but this is all that's coming to me.

[sanmagic7]

hey, snook,

i think sometimes old patterns die hard.  the idea that you can recognize that you don't get into this up and down state as often seems to show that you are calming down, but just get flare-ups every so often. 

congrats to you for discovering you hadn't made that mistake after all, and how very kind of you to show someone else where they made a mistake before it resulted in something bad.  i think her reaction is something a lot of us could remember and learn from!  it sounds just like what i want to eventually be able to do.

keep going, snook!  i think you're doing well.  i truly believe the panic will eventually calm down with time.  i know i've been out of sorts since last sept., and am just now beginning to feel some stability most days.  not perfect, but better than it was.  love and hugs!

[Snookiebookie2]

Marta & San

Many thanks for your input. As alwsys, it's appreciated x

*****

All is calm with work.

My head boss asked for information from myself and my colleague to enable him do a report.  My colleague didnt understand it all.

I drafted a detailed email - my head boss said it was perfect.   My colleague thanked me as she'd totally misread/misunderstood his email.

Someone remind me of the above the next time i meltdown lol!!

[Three Roses]

That's awesome! 

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you 3R. 

Since posting the above, my colleague has sent an unsolicited email to everyone with a list of billing rates. She had originally thought that is what my head boss wanted. I thought he'd wanted an indication of the average claims.  She's obviously gone looking for the rates and sent them!!! So annoyed 

*********

I was contacted by a colleague on Friday.  He asked how I was, and I told him that I was having good days and bad days.  I explained that I wasn't enjoying work and tried to explain. 

The problem is I don't really KNOW if I'm right to feel the way that I feel.  Or am I reacting/overreacting/being unreasonable?  That feeling sat with me for a while.  I decided to start my bullet point journal again - this is a journal where I am very brief but I list positives and achievements. I also use it park my worries, which I then work through as worry trees.  I can also reframe negative thoughts. 

I've only been doing the journal a few days, so too soon to tell of its helping. 

I've found today very hard. Not only has my colleague sent that email (see above), but I asked my head boss a question. He replied, and seemed to infer I should know the answer...("As you are aware..,.").  Well actually, I was only aware of part of the answer!  I felt that he was annoyed that I'd asked.  Whilst I worked through my worries I did accept that I had no evidence that he was saying that. And that even if he was making an inference, that he should be more direct and tell me if he's annoyed or that I shouldn't ask silly questions.

I'm feeling very fed up. I've sent him a few emails that he's not replied to. I've flagged up several issues that either hasn't been resolved or have been unanswered.

I even mentioned to someone senior that I was fed up. He asked my direct boss to check on me. She did eventually contact me and I sent a long and detailed reply.   ...... No reply.

The silence only makes me feel pathetic and wrong. It makes me feel important. It makes feel like I should keep things to myself.   I feel embarrassed that I felt the need to flag up problems.  It makes me worry about going back into the office.

It also makes me feel angry. Angry that I'm being ignored and not taken seriously. It makes me angry that I feel unimportant or that I'm making a fuss. And mostly I am absolutely furious that they don't care how I am feeling (and how they are making me feel!)!

I feel on the outside. I feel very very triggered. I feel unsafe and threatened. I could go on 

I understand that they're under pressure with what's going on currently, but this has gone on for longer than the current crisis.  And it only takes a while to acknowledge an email and say that they will deal with it later.

[marta1234]

I am so sorry Snookie that you feel this way. The confusion and anger that you feel, I can relate to too, although in different circumstances. I find it exhausting when I go in a loop thinking whether or not this person meant something else, or just trying to understand why suddenly they are silent or ignore me, and is that my fault (most times I see as it being my fault)?
But I still wanted to say that your feelings are valid in any case. If you feel angry or unheard, and in this case I think logically, it's  valid and should be expressed.

Sending you a hug if it's ok, and hope you find some comfort when it's this confusing.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Marta, your comments are most appreciated. And many thanks for your hug X

**********

I've woken in the night... As usual. I'm trying to sleep and avoid the anxiety spiral....as usual.

I've just noticed conflicting feelings. I feel a set of deep intense painful emotions.   And yet I feel numb. I can't actually identify what I feel.

I just want the pain to stop. I'm sick of these difficult feelings and difficulties. I just want peace.

I need to accept that this is the rollercoaster that l my emotions send me on.

[sanmagic7]

   going thru this with you, snook.  it's exhausting.  love and hugs and lots of support

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you San. It's nice to know you're there with me

*******

It's my daughter's 16th birthday and we've had a pretty fab day in lockdown.   She's not had the day that she'd have chosen, but the best day possible in the circumstances.

Really happy for us both.

*****

Now my mind turns to work...and a heavy feeling comes over me.

I'm dreading the problems and things going awry.

But more, I'm dreading the disapproval,  how people are when they're not happy to. CUE: massive trigger.  This is an important realization.   It's a flashback to my Dad. But more so, my mum.  Her passive-aggressiveness. Her disappointment.  Her being disgruntled.  But her letting me know it was due to me letting everyone down.

It's  been almost four years ago since she passed away. How am I ever going to shake this feeling. This ingrained reaction?

[Snookiebookie2]

I've had a pretty decent weekend.  Really enjoyed it.

I have been keeping my daily journal for a week now. It's quite brief and I'm using prompts to focus my attention on certain issues. This seems to be working/helping.

Hiwever I had a flashback/realisation last night....

My mum left my violent father when I was 16. My brother shortly after. After about a year I had to make a break because I couldn't cope.   

I had nowhere to go. Via several charities and agencies I arranged a space in a woman's refuge.  I had to go no contact with all my friends as I thought my father would find me.

I did manage to meet a new group of friends and got my first boyfriend.   Eventually my boyfriends mum let me move in. 

My mum never visited me. If I didn't contact her, she didn't contact me.  Despite what I'd been through she didn't check I was okay.

I would call and see my mum at work (in a shop) every weekend.  I'd stop for a chat for 5 or 10 minutes

I remember very occasionally arranging to visit her at her home.  I remember sharing her food (whatever meal they were having).

Then I remember her and partner picking up a newspaper each and spending an hour or so reading....whilst I had nothing to do but stare into space.  I know that this was there regular routine, but I was a guest, and I visited very infrequently.

Last night when I remembered they used to sit and read the newspaper, it made me feel unwanted and unloved.

If it was my daughter, who I'd not seen for ages, I'd have made a fuss.  I'd have sat and had a good catch up.

It's just another thing that shows how little regardshe had for me. A reminder that even my own mum didn't like me - no wonder I struggle.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thers has been a lot of talk about easing the lockdown measures in the Uk.  Whilst I'm looking forward to this (being able to do stuff with my family), I'm ruminating about work.

I haven't enjoyed working from home. There is no change of scene, so the negativity and frustration lingers. But it's been beneficial to be able to grumble outload. Or take regular breaks. I've started work earlier and built 10 and 15 minute breaks to allow me to deal with negative emotions.   It's also been nice having my daughter around to break the monotony.

I'm really not looking forward to returning to my old routine.   I really hate being around other people as it reminds me how disordered I am. I just feel like a jigsaw piece put in the wrong place. 

Also, as can be seen from previous entries, I've been struggling at work for a good six months.  I was on the verge of having meetings to discuss these issues, only to rescheduled twice and then cancelled due to having to isolate.

Most of our office has been able to work from home, but some have been furloughed. I know its affected the business, but we should be able to survive, especially if we can bounce back quickly.   But this will be Managements focus for a while when we return.  They won't be ready or willing to sit down with me.  And frankly I'm nervous to even broach the subject. But equally I don't want to sit by cowardly and let them ignore me.

I've sent a couple of emails during lockdown two my two bosses - both of which were ignored.  And I'm feeling incredibly embarrassed now. Was I overreacting? Did I come across as unstable?  Did I sound unreasonable?

If I am listening to my 48 year old 'self' then, no, I made some relevant points.   And that needs to be remembered. 

And, yes,  I may have been emotional, but I shouldn't be ashamed of that. I've needed help and support for months, and not really been listened to.  And I do have C-ptsd, which is hard enough without everything that I've been through.

But still I can't help feeling that I am causing problems and being dramatic.
I'm also concerned that if my firm does struggle financially and redundancies are necessary then will they remember that I pestered them when they were busy dealing with the virus (is 2 emails in 8 weeks really considered pestering).

They have a wellbeing policy and are very proud of their mental health first aiders. But their only wellbeing steps has been organizing nights out (pre virus) and zoom quizzes (during the virus).  They pestered (verging on bullying) one of my colleagues who suffers with anxiety and depression to take part in the quiz.  She made it clear she didn't want to - explaining that she's had enough of work by the end of the day and didn't want to join in. They kept pushing her

My direct boss is one of the mental health first aiders. She was included in both emails I sent - and she didn't reply to any.  Bearing in mind the second email I sent in response to her email asking how I was (She was asked to check on me by a senior colleague as a result to a comment I'd made in an email).

I've seen how my direct boss rolls her eyes when one of my colleagues mentions her mental health (this colleague has taken a long bout of sick leave due to mental health issues).  I've also witnessed my direct boss muttering under her breath or sniping back at this person too.  I get the feeling it's her opinion "oh here we go...."

My head boss is the kinda bloke who just keeps me at arms length.  He deals with things by leaving the problem with you and pretending he doesn't know. And if you do ask him for help he says he's busy.  I accept that it's my job to get the work done, but sometimes there are issues and that's when I need help. I am part of his team and if there are problems then he should at least know...

It's all just s**t! There that's it in a nutshell!

Is there a possibility that I've got this wrong? That they think I'm correct bur they're just incapable of dealing with me (for whatever reason)? And that its actually them that are in the wrong

Oh, I'm going back n forth!

[Snookiebookie2]

Been noticing that I'm triggered by how well someone else does. This feels like a dirty secret that I've been hiding.   So I'm gonna shine a light on it.

I think the root of this is fear, something from childhood.  I also think it's a sign of total insecurity (and I can see that was due to lack of secure parenting).

I often feel threatened easily - a sign that I don't have confidence in myself to match up or be able to protect myself.

So, this morning I was scrolling through Facebook and a school friend had posted a photo of her house. Then bang! A instant flash of emotion - is her house better than mine. No, it's about the same. Phew, I relaxed. 

What would I have felt if it had been a better house? I'd have felt shame and self loathing.  Then I'd have been angry and resentful. 

I don't seek out things to compare and judge.  It just happens. 

I know my inner critic thrives on shame and beats me up with comparisons.   When I research how to deal with this, it says to see things without Judgement.  But I can only see instantly how inadequate I am. Then I feel very threatened - which just serves no purpose but to make me freeze.

As an aside, if I had thought my house was better than my school friend then the thought process would stop there. I wouldn't feel superior or better than her.

I have noticed how often I'm having this happen.  I see something where someone is 'better' than me  and bang! The emotions hit me.  It can lead to me being quite unsettled (possibly causing me to loose focus and make mistakes).

Think that I'll keep an eye out for this. I have the feeling it's an old unhelpful coping strategy.   Needs working on.

******Edit/addition

Been thinking...I think this is a strange form of perfectionism.   That if I'm 'better' or not worse than someone then I am ok and all is safe.  It's great when it works in my favour,  but very triggering when it doesn't.  That's what  I am experiencing with the threatened feeling - I feel unsafe.

Hmmmm.....

%%%%%% further edit

I think that's where my people-pleasing and trying to over achieve comes from too.    Puts me in a 'safe' place - but at the cost of anxiety and dysregulation and being burned out

[sanmagic7]

wow!  some profound realizations, snookie, and a lot of courage shown in sharing some of your insecurities.  i relate to some of that 'if i'm better, then i'm ok' stuff.  yep, exhausting.  horrible way to live, to my mind, but it's been there for a long, long time.  no wonder we get stressed and burned out easily.  we're constantly in a battle!

this new environment we've been forced into - isolation, etc. - has had its own set of adjustments to make.  returning to what was previously known is another adjustment.  ugh!

love and hugs to you - i think you're doing great. 

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you San

*********

Been an intense couple of days at work.  I think I've finally dealt with every one of the really old * cases. There were soooo many cases/bills dating back up to 7 years ago. I have touched them all now.  Some horrible faffy ones too. But I am now working on them all.

I had one supplier, who'd messed up ho direct to someone I bill for and got them to cancel the bill! Made me look like I didn't know what I was doing.  I explained what had happened and agreed that the supplier had messed up. He should have kept me updated too.

Then I had several difficult and technical emails with a person working for one our suppliers.  They were very narrow minded and seemed determined that I'd done something wrong.   I tried to explain to no avail. He then copied the supplier in - which I felt was trying to show I was wrong. I contacted our guy who did the work - who seemed to think that we've  got it right. There's a lot of work to do on this.

Then I had a training session in the evening as to some of the most technical work I deal with. Very long day!

I thought today was going to be easy....

I got an email from one of our suppliers very tersely telling me I'd made 3 or 4 errors.   I have overlooked one thing - I probably could claim for a cancelled hearing, but it just didn't occur to me. The other points were not valid, I dont think I'm wrong. I explained all this, and offered my apologies for missing the cancelled hearing and offering to claim now.

The supplier came back still saying I'd claimed three dates wrong - so I have replied explaining that I thought I was correct and asking her to confirm that I can now claim the one thing I overlooked.

I'm struggling with my perfectionism- because she's right, I missed one thing. And to my mind that means I am rubbish. Yet another error!

Then I came across a case where the supplier said we should have been paid. I pointed we hadn't and she hadn't given us access to make a claim.  Eventually she gave me access and I claimed the several thousands of pounds that was due.

The same person seems to have given us access to claim on a different bill - but it seems that's thousands short! And she's not the easiest person to deal with! So that's a conversation that I'm dreading.

Everything is hard work. There's so much to remember.   All whilst working remotely from home on a tiny laptop.

I am really fed up and no point contacting my supervisors - they'll only ignore me.

Hubby listened to me grumble. Daughter did too. So that okay.

My back has been bothering for a few years. It's getting worse. A combination of bad posture, extreme stress and overuse (computer mouse, mobile phone etc). I had an MRI scan recently but no follow up appointment was set due to Covid19.

I received a call this week to book a telephone appointment (they're obviously avoiding face to face appointments). I'm ruminating that it something serious.  Why else would they book me an appointment? 

I have some health anxiety - I am a chronic Googler!  I also think my brain is always looking for catastrophy too.

This may be a horrible admission to make but here goes.....when I am struggling with life, and especially work I often wish to be ill. To have a valid excuse to check out of my responsibilities.

I was 18 and having problems with my job. I remember feeling inadequate and useless.   I didn't want to go in. Each day I felt worse.  I remembered having a chest infection and hoping it was something worse (but ultimately curable) so I just would neec need time away from work - quite a bit of time.  Also I would get some sympathy too. Does that make sense?

***trigger warning - references to suicide ****
In my most dark times, I've found myself hoping for a terminal illness.  I often have suicide ideation.  An illness would take matters out of my hands.

Again these aren't thoughts that I'm proud of. I appreciate if it ever happened to me, that I'd feel totally different. I also appreciate that there are people in that position who would dearly swap places in a heart beat.

I should be glad to be alive and healthy.  It's just the thoughts and feelings I have mske me so unhappy and can take me to dark  dark places.

I find it bizarre how essentially one error at work can take to the point of wanting to die and suicidal ideation. 

I just want to off the hurt. So many layers of so many deep, heavy and dark intense emotions and thoughts.  It's overwhelming.  It's easy feel like I'm drowning inside.

****Trigger warning ends ****

I'm going to try and rest now

[Snookiebookie2]

Bad nights sleep.  Tossed and turned.

Woke this morning thinking about that horrible woman and critcal email.  I actually think she was wrong - she's probably not using the regulations correctly.  I've started the ball rolling to find out if she is wrong.

But this meant logging on to work! And a few other difficult problems were in need of attention, so I sorted them.  So spent about three hours at it.  Yes, it's wrong,  I know......I should enjoy my weekend.

I feel better for talking charge of the problem.  But actually it's only because I might be proved right.   I need to get used to not being perfect.  To accept at times I f**k up or am plain wrong. 

But at least I'm not have thoughts of self harm for now

And another thing I need to accept is, the job is bloody hard. It's very faffy and technical. Some of the issues I've dealt with are complex!!! And I only work (or supposed to work is 4 hours a day).

Give your self some slack Snookie!  And be okay with being below standard, rubbish, stupid,  forgetful or wrong!    Life will not end!!!!