Snookie's journal

[Snookiebookie2]

Mmm...chocolate ice cream, medicine for the soul.  And it's Friday tomorrow.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, i got overwhelmed with feeling all that negative last nite, had a terrible nite because of it.  ooooph!

choc. ice cream CAN be medicine for the soul.  yummy!

hang tough, snook, ok?  we're with you on this.  sorry you're having all those doubts at work.  i do hope you get a realistic answer.  love and hugs

[Snookiebookie2]

Thanks San x



Sending you some ice cream and a hug - medicine for your soul, to help with your feelings of overwhelm too.  I hope you have a better night x

********

Not sure if anyone has read The Lost Connection by Johann Hari (THE best book on mental health I have ever read). He details 9 reasons for MH issues - trauma being one of them. But the main gist is that we need connection with our fellow man. 

What we are all struggling with is the LACK of a connection.   And lockdown has exacerbated this for us.   I think everyone is having a taste of what its like to feel disconnected, and struggle,  and what its like to have depression and anxiety etc..   Some of us feel like this all day, every day, with peaks and troughs but no let up.  I hope that when the crisis is over that everyone remembers how disconnected and confused they felt, and have a renewed  consideration for people with mental health issues.

Work has been making me feel isolated  and disconnected for a while.  And home working is exacerbating that feeling.

You guys are, and this site is an antedote to all the above. Its a safe place to be me in all my imperfections.   Yet you've all supported me and seen things I haven't.   Thank you for connecting with me x

[Snowdrop]

You guys are, and this site is an antedote to all the above. Its a safe place to be me in all my imperfections.   Yet you've all supported me and seen things I haven't.   Thank you for connecting with me x

Back atcha, Snookie. I feel this way too.

[sanmagic7]

   absolutely!  love and hugs, snook.  this has been my main connection, this forum and these people, for over 4 yrs. now.  i have no doubt i wouldn't be here without them.   

[Snookiebookie2]

Stream of consciousness:   Can't sleep.  Feeling low.  Negative thoughts about myself. Replaying bad memories/Emotional flashbacks/inner critic stuff. Automatic negative thoughts.  Suicide ideation/wanting to end the emotional pain/wanting peace.....to stop being me, with my past and mental conditioning.   Feeling like I'm loosing my mind, getting closer to a breakdown....

Just another night living with C-ptsd.

Off back to bed to listen to guided meditations till I fall asleep from exhaustion. 

[Not Alone]

 

[Snookiebookie2]

Thanks for the hug notalone x

Feeling a little more coherent this morning, but still in a depression.   Lots of negative thoughts: I'm unattractive, old, dysfunctional (on a social level), not dynamic (on a work level), I'm fat/overweight....I could go on.

I think this is a symptom of being disconnected and lack of positive and meaningful things.

I'm going focus on "this will pass".

[marta1234]

Hi Snookie, just wanted to say that you're not alone and wanted to give a hug if it's ok . I've been feeling the same as you have for these 2 days, and so hearing you describe it has helped me by reminding me that I have trauma and it's ok (I tend to "forget" when I'm in ef).
I'm going to send some healing energy your way, so you can find some rest from these horrible symptoms. Wish I could say more, but a virtual hug will have to do.
And thank you for sharing your experience, it really helps me ground.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Marta  Your healing energy was appreciated.   Sunday was very peaceful.

******

Woke early morning, again.

Feelings: Isolated.  Threatened.  I hate Mondays. Inadequate. Bad worker. Depressed.  Anxious - scared at what I will find when I log on for work.

[Snookiebookie2]

Just notice a thought/feeling....

No matter how good I am, there's always someone better. Making me feel inadequate.   Flashback to my mum: never good enough. Flashback to my dad - never best, never number 1, being second is a failure.

Must hug my four-year old inner child - she is crying.

This is my cptsd.  It's all part of it's ugly mechanism.  Flashbacks, Inner critics, injured inner children. The emotional pain - ans in this isolation! I'd normally see my T, but can't.  It'll pass.  I can cope till I can have a session (or sessions) to work through this

Back to back to care for my 4 year old self

[Snookiebookie2]

Really really fed up now.

Reviewed a bill I've done for three people - and realised that there's five more items that I can bill, which I hadn't seen originally.   It took me around an hour and half to work all this out. The rules are all vague and faffy...and it wasn't straightforward.  But I'm beating myself up for not getting it right first time. 

This only came to light because it would have fallen below the higher threshold,  and so I did a really in depth review in order to keep it on the higher rates. I'd have been oblivious otherwise!!!  I know its still a learning curve, but still....! All I can see is I'm not getting it right!!

Everything is sooo complex and faffy - and I can't do right for doing wrong!!! 

I'm wondering if I'm the right person for the job, or if the job is right for me. Defo struggling!

Just want to quit - but need the money.  Jobs won't be thick on the ground after lockdown either.

No point in moaning to my bosses - they've ignored a few emails like that.

Feel so overwhelmed!!!!!

Husband is unlikely to be sympathetic, understanding or even listen. Tried explaining to daughter - who got snappy!! But it's not her place to support me (I don't want her to have to parent me, that's what my mum did with me).

[Blueberry]

Hi Snookie,
I often have trouble with billing too. It takes me way longer than it should and takes a lot of energy out of me. So I'd just like to send you some care and hope it gets better some way 
Blueberry

[sanmagic7]

sending hugs full of patience, snookie

i just got overwhelmed w/ someone on the phone talking to me about my credit card,  and had to hand the phone to my d to take care of it.  the words began jumbling around in my head and i couldn't make sense of them anymore.  wanted to let you know you're not alone.  love flying your way! 

[Snookiebookie2]

Blueberry and San thank you for your replies.  It's nice to know there is someone there 

***********

A much better day.  I woke early, as I didn't rest very well. So I started work early.   In the end it wasn't a bad idea as I had loads of technical stuff to do.

I also found out that one of the 'mistakes' I made a week or so again wasn't actually wrong - there was no other outcome, my lack of action wasn't even a factor!  But at least I made all the right enquiries to be certain.  I wasn't hiding anything and I have learned from it.

And that 'error' that I discovered yesterday,  the other party has acknowledged the up dated figures,  and didn't raise any issues.   In fact as I was cross referencing the paperwork I spotted she'd made a mistake, underclaiming by £1k.  I drew her attention to it and she thanked me for spotting it. Again, her calm and polite acceptance is something I should learn from. 

I got rid of a couple old items from my inbox - one of which the other person has got things wrong twice.

I cleared all the faffy stuff and dealt with some of the old problem cases!!! Phew can't believe how much I did.

What worries me is the amount of difference in the intensity of emotions from today and yesterday.   I used to be like this when mum was alive. Theres only one word to describe it - irrational. 

I have odd irrational days over the last 6 months, but I was like it much more with my scapegoating, uncaring, critical, mother.  At one point I was convinced that I had BPD. Thankfully the irrational says are limited (and possibly less intense).

I do feel that I've been in a constant state of panic for 6 month.  This leads to memory loss, clumsiness, poor judgement, lack of concentration, resentment and apathy.   These are a recipe for disaster  - hence the mistake.   My job is very technical, and faffy.  I need to soothe the panic.  This is not easy when mistakes come to light making feel threatened and increasing the panic.

I'm gonna ponder how I can get out of this panic.  I'm totally dysregulated.