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I've had some flashbacks that cause me to physically react as if the incidents are occurring to me, but in the image, I see my sister. And I just realized it's my sister I've been seeing, and that I saw myself as my sister, if that makes sense. And now I'm trying to make sense of this and would love to hear if anyone has had similar experiences.

Have any of you made lists of things you might need to process through in therapy? My therapist is encouraging me to lead our sessions, and I don't often know how. I wondered if it might help if I made a list. But, the thought of sharing it also makes a part of me feel ashamed, needy, and ... weak? Also, do any of you get super sleepy on therapy days, before therapy? Like, for the whole day?

I am learning more about me and my reactions and behaviors that stem from childhood gunk. I've also read that ADHD/ADD type behaviors can actually be caused by structural dissociation, which is interesting to me because there is one person in my life who is convinced I have ADHD, yet when I've previewed symptoms, I don't feel I do.

Anyway, I exhibited two childhood behaviors I find odd and wonder if it was me disconnecting from an unpleasant environment or if I was simply, well, odd. One is, supposedly I frequently slipped into a fantasy world where I'd develop this elaborate storyline and would then share it as if I found it real. I would present it as my reality. And the second is that apparently I walked into walls and things often. Not as in being clumsy, but as in being flighty. (Granted, I don't remember any of these actions.)

Hello, all,

I am feeling anger, or frustration, or something toward my therapist--and really, I think everyone. A strong desire to not talk to or connect with anyone and to just retreat by myself in my room. And for no reason. Like, no one has done anything to make me angry or want to withdraw from them. Although I am angered in relation to something my mom has done, and I think when I have frustrations or hurt in one relationship, I maybe tend to withdraw and feel frustrated with them all.

Has anyone been able to sign into the forum using your phone? I haven't but would like to as I tend to read most posts on my phone, and so would better be able to engage were I able to use my phone.

Hello, all,
I remember a discussion regarding member journals a while ago, and my memory says they are private and that only OTTS members can read them? Is this correct? And about how many people, then, have access to the journals (to read them)? I realized today I might benefit from starting one, but I'm also a tad freaked about the self-exposure.

Hello, all,

How do you decide what to talk about each session?

Hello, all, I'm noticing, when I try to talk to my therapist about something that feels emotionally intense, in the middle of our conversation, my mind goes blank. Like, there's nothing there. No thoughts at all. And this also happened when we tried having me visualize a particularly traumatic experience during something similar to EMDR. Is this something any of you have experienced, and if so, have you found a way to prevent this?

I just got off the phone with my sister. During our conversation, I asked her some pointed questions that felt (feel) important for me to be able to honestly discuss my childhood hurts. She had said something in a past conversation regarding my "way" of expressing my emotions as a kid, and so I followed up and asked what she meant. She said during one particular period in my early teens, I would become enraged, and it was like someone had flipped a switch. She said I would yell and swear, and that my mom later said she didn't know how to deal with me. I now don't know how to process things during that time period. Honestly, I feel like my parents were justified in certain things, and if not justified, then I can at least understand. I acknowledge how many of their behaviors and actions prior were hurtful and harmful, and I can see how those things may played a part in my displays of rage. But based on what my sister said, if I had been my parents, I would've sent my teen off to military camp or something. And I really don't know how to process this.

I would love to know about other people's experiences with their adult children. I adore my daughter, and I can see how my dysfunctional behavior when she was growing up, and some ignorance when it came to mothering, both hurt her and created certain behaviors I see now. For one thing, my husband and I tended to let her largely run things. If she was upset about something, we adapted. If she didn't like something, we didn't do it (like a family game or something). A big part of this was because she was an only child, and so much of these things weren't an issue to us. But also, I'm learning because of my upbringing and my role in my foo (I was the scapegoat), I've also tended to assume blame for pretty much anything. I also have a tendency to assume I've done something wrong if I sense tension around me. I believe these patterns have contributed to some behaviors I find unpleasant. In short, I feel like if I express something to her regarding human behavior or relationships, she parents and criticizes me, saying something like, "You're blowing this out of proportion," or, "You're too sensitive."

My challenge is I both want to spend time with her and build a close relationship with her, but I also feel like I need to be careful with how I interact and what I talk about, like I need to be the ultra-pleasant and accommodating mom. And I do realize this response isn't the healthiest, but with her, that is simply where I'm at. (Some of this is also the result of some hurtful said over a somewhat extensive period of time that resulted in what feels to me like a cracked relational foundation. 

Hello, all,
I'm wondering how many of you who have done some version of EMDR had an intense (AKA, embarrassing) reaction. I don't know why I still respond so intensely when discussing or processing things in therapy. I feel a good deal of shame when I become activated/hyperaroused. I feel childish and unstable. I've been working hard on increasing my window of tolerance and also journaling. I've gotten where I can now journal on some things from my past without getting overly anxious, which feels like progress. But I would like to reach a place where I don't freak out in therapy.

I recently processed through something (sort of; dipped my toe into might be more accurate) using eye movements. I don't know if it was EMDR or what, but I became highly hyper aroused. When I see EMDR examples on YouTube, the people discuss their emotions and somatic responses but still seem in control of themselves. I would love to know your experiences, and frankly, I would love to see an example of someone doing some sort of EMDR or similar and becoming hyperaroused so that I feel less defective.

Hello, all,

Do any of you have difficulty visualizing things? I've found I even struggle with visualizing positive things. What happens is I start with a completely black slate, then try to evoke an image of, say, a beach, and just when the image begins to emerge, another image takes over, and then my mind immediately shuts it off, and my mind goes black once again. And often, this occurs so quickly, I can't even make sense of the unpleasant image (and I know, or at least believe, it's unpleasant because I get an instant burst of anxiety that sometimes lasts quite awhile). The same thing happens as I try to sleep. It's like, when my mind is unattended, anxiety-producing images flash in, but never long enough that I can make sense of them and actually deal with them. And all of this seems to prohibit me from benefiting from EMDR.

I've been working through a book that encourages readers to journal on past relationships with their parents, and I realized I have a few recurring images of my mother no memories, prior to about age 15 or so, of me interacting with her. And in relation to occurrences that others have told me about, I have a vague sense of that event, but not of me participating in it.

So, I just blew up three relationships, in a short period of time. I feel like I do this. I'll be okay for a while, and I'll even begin to think that maybe I can trust the person. Then conflict occurs, and I react too strongly, simultaneously retreating (internally telling myself "I'm done), but also externally in that I lash out (perhaps partially because I've decided the relationship is over, so I've lost the relationship protecting filter. Then, after the fallout, I'm ashamed that I have ruined yet another relationship. And each time, I tell myself I won't react this way the next time but then land in the same spot. I've heard and read this gets better once people heal, but I'm struggling to understand how healing from something that occurred with my parents decades ago will help me suddenly behave different relationally in the present. I fear that maybe I won't ever get better in this area. Honestly, I don't know if I'd mind being alone. What is harder is that I tend to let my guard down and forget that it's wiser for me to remain relationally detached, and then I repeat the cycle. Only with added shame from the recent relationship explosion.

Hello, all,
Does anyone know how long it takes to expand one's window of tolerance? I know that's probably somewhat subjective, but I'd love to read your experiences, especially in terms of being able to talk about one's childhood without getting flooded.

Hello, all, moving is a high-key trigger for me, and we are in the midst of moving. This is effecting my sleep (more than my normal sleep-difficulties). I'm also acting easily irritated with my husband and am feeling the need to control my environment, which also is not pleasant for others to be around. I'm sad that I'm not showing my husband patient grace and I feel trapped in this part of my behavior.

I also have a question I would love to hear experiences on. When you have "flashback" dreams, in your dreams, does something that happened to you happen to someone you care about? Meaning, instead of it occurring to you in the dream, it occurred to someone you love and you were left watching? (Any similar odd yet potentially related dream examples would be helpful.)

And on one more note, I am deeply sad today. I'm sad about who I am, my reactions, and just in general.

Hello, all,
I find myself confusing! I can talk about a topic, so my mom, like I'm doing now and feel only mild anxiety. But I can also have an extreme reaction in therapy when I try to talk about her. Similarly, I've had times where I've shared things with my husband and, again, felt relatively mild anxiety, but get flooded when I share the same thing in therapy. And prior to starting therapy, I could say something (share a specific event) without feeling any emotion at all, and now it seems discussing that same event triggers strong emotion. I think maybe I'm able to detach more easily outside of therapy (as I discuss things as facts, when I do discuss them), whereas in therapy, I am prone to be more cognizant of an emotional connection? I also wonder if there's some level of shame involved as I know my therapist knows how much certain experiences were likely to affect me, and outside of therapy people don't always make trauma connections??? Meaning, outside of therapy, people might be apt to say something sucked but wouldn't connect it to attachment issues, etc.

I'd love to know your experiences!

I was told, to heal, that I need to reach a place where I became angry about what I experienced. I don't know how true that is, but I can say, I have reached that place in regard to my mother. I'm so spitting mad right now. In some ways, I can see how this is beneficial as I've, up until now, wanting a relationship with her (with the mom I had continually been hoping she would become). But I can now see how intentionally manipulate she's been. I've known she's manipulative, but meaning how pathological her manipulations are, how effectively she messed with my head for so long, how she played me and my siblings against one another to get us to serve, rescue, and cater to her, and how incapable of change she is. I've been told my others that she's a covert narcissist, and while I could understand why they said that, my brain was still too "messed with" to fully embrace the truth. I now have no doubt that she is indeed a narcissist and that she truly did not care about me, nor does she now, nor is she capable of doing so. In fact, looking back on my childhood, I believe the times she did act "loving" was either to portray an image of a doting mother to the general public and to deceive my siblings, and the times since that she's played the "loving" card was to get something from me (usually, money).

I fully recognize her narcissism came from horrific abuse she suffered as a kid. That aspect does initiate a level of compassion within me. But that does not negate my anger. And perhaps for the first time ever, I finally feel freed from my desperate attempts to gain her love. I now know she is incapable of love, empathy, or of being even remotely the type mother I would want to engage with.

Hello, all,

I've noticed I have only had one nightmare in the past month. I even had a dream that had elements in it of a recurring nightmare, but this one played out much differently, in a good way. Does this mean my subconscious has resolved this particular issue? On another note, I slept 11 hours last night and cannot remember when I last felt so rested! I almost didn't have my morning cup of coffee!

I'd love to read accounts of those who have either stopped having nightmares or have found, with processing their past, have experienced greatly decreased nightmares.

Hello, all. In my last therapy appointment, after sharing fragments of a memory and my difficulty in therapy in general, my therapist said I was the family scapegoat. The next day, I was trying to journal on this, and my anxiety increased considerably. But when I shifted my journaling to all the reasons I was a problem kid who caused problems for the entire family, my anxiety went away. I find it hard to process this as I already greatly distrust my reality and perceptions. One part of my says, "That's because you're taking ownership for your behavior," and the other part says, "That's because you don't want to deal with FOO gunk." I would love to hear other people's experiences of this.