How long did it take you to open up to your therapist

[storyworld]

Hi, all,
I've been seeing my therapist for over three years now. She's a very good therapist. I'm struggling to open up (although, admittedly, re some of the things I likely need to talk about--I have not been able to "verbalize" to myself, either), with fear of becoming "undone" and her witnessing me in that state. I'm also greatly nervous/anxious/worried about frustrating her and her deciding to be "done" with me (giving up on me for my "stuckness").

I realized something last night. I seem to have fallen into a pattern where I go to therapy, and I walk into the room convinced I'll be able to have a meaningful discussion. While there, my managers step up strongly, and the result probably seems like I'm stone-walling. Then I leave feeling like I've failed at therapy and frustrated her. Am in an activated state all night. Calm myself down by one of two thoughts/decisions: I tell myself I'm done with therapy and am just going to move on with my life and suppress my triggers and whatever, OR, I tell myself, come next session, I'm going to do better, and develop a plan to do so. Which, of course, always falls apart the next session when I'm unable (or unwilling? I don't know) to live out my plan.

I would love to hear from those of you who took years to share more vulnerably in therapy.

Interestingly, as I was processing this new self-understanding (this pattern), I realized I do this in my relationships. I will meet with someone, feel like I messed up in some way (talked too much, not enough, acted snarky, acted overly passive, etc.) and want to somehow fix it. In most cases, I simply withdraw. With my therapist, while I might withdraw between sessions, or emotionally in session, I keep showing up. So that's a bit different. Maybe progress?

I also have a strong need to prove myself normal.

As an fyi, we are doing parts work.

[dollyvee]

Hey storyworld,

To me, therapy and seeing someone else as safe can be tricky. I think I was a couple years into therapy with my last t when I shared that I felt like she didn't like me, which she countered, and that provoked a shift between us. I think we go in with parts/perceptions etc that we're not even aware of. This was EMDR therapy and not parts work, however.

I also ended therapy with that t after seven years because I felt like I wasn't able to open up any more with the way things were going. I had read about NARM and the concept of fostering agency (finding Self for me with preverbal and likely generational trauma has been tricky), and I felt like this was the next step. I feel like I've made a lot of progress in the last year around my emotional reactions to things.

I tell myself, come next session, I'm going to do better, and develop a plan to do so

When I first read your post, I wondered if there were parts active in sense that you feel like you have to fix yourself (ie there's something wrong with you; you're not normal etc), which is a part, and then there's likely a part that then opposes this, which seems justifiable. I've found that sometimes it helps to recognize opposing parts, and this then opens up a space around them. It might be worth exploring this with your t as well.

I've also just learned about parts which can appear Self like and are dominant, meaning that they like to run the show a lot of the time, and given that they were probably around for me from being a young child, it's hard to recognize them as something other than Self. I'm also learning that inner critics can work like this as well.

Congratulations on your self awareness around this and I hope it brings you to the next step in therapy.

Sending you support,
dolly

[storyworld]

Thank you, Dolly, your response is helpful and encouraging.