Sage's Journal

NarcKiddo · May 22, 2023, 12:34:46 PM

Belated birthday wishes. Sorry you were under the weather for it. Hope you are feeling better now.

So, you are an English tea afficionado? I'm not keen on strong "builder's tea" myself but everyone who likes it would go for Yorkshire tea over PG Tips. So you were given a good steer there. And you got a colouring book! That is my latest hobby and I am going a bit mad for it at the moment. I find it so relaxing. I was passing the craft shop this morning on another errand and the call was too strong. Now I have some oil pastels to add to my collection...

sanmagic7 · May 22, 2023, 04:20:51 PM

sorry you've been under the weather, CF. hope that's all gone by now, or at least on its way out the door.

ooooh, a fountain pen. my favorite writing instrument. some day i'll get one again. had a really good one but lost it, and now it's out of my price range. enjoy enjoy! happy for you for all the rest of your gifts, too. sending love and a hug filled w/ 'hope you're well soon!'

CactusFlower · May 23, 2023, 02:18:08 PM

Thank you and hugs back, notalone and rainy. It's so nice to be able to breathe again.

NarcKiddo: I love tea! All kinds (not rooibos, though), but basic black tea is my everyday drink. I have an electric kettle and can make a decent cuppa, LOL. I'll go ahead and use up the PG tips since I have so much, but the Yorkshire is my afternoon "treat" for now. Caffeine doesn't really affect me much, fortunately.

San, thank you, it's over. I'll message you privately about fountain pens.

Generally, not a good day today, so it was heartening to come on here and feel the connections. Woke up at 5-ish from a nightmare/memory and couldn't get back to sleep. So I got up, fixed myself some tea and toast, and wrote down what I could about it for next week's therapy. Sometimes I feel like therapy kinda "triggers" more to come up. I suppose it's supposed to. I'll likely nap later, but just trying to take it easy for now. It was a particularly nasty memory with lots of shame and fear. Might be a teddy bear day. My Inner Children are definitely retreating a lot.

Armee · May 23, 2023, 02:27:10 PM

I'm here to sit on the floor next to you if company will help.

Dear little Sage. None of it was your fault and the shame you are stuck feeling isn't your shame. It belongs to someone else. Perhaps today you could break off just a little peace of shame and throw it out the window to find its real owner.

rainydiary · May 23, 2023, 02:41:13 PM

Thinking of you CF. Healing can hurt and I hope that in the long run this will support peace.

sanmagic7 · May 24, 2023, 04:11:43 PM

i know therapy/healing can trigger dreams for me, CF. to my mind, it's the subconscious opening up just that little bit more, getting ready to bring it to our consciousness where we can work on and resolve it when we're ready. however, that does not lessen the fact that nightmares are horrible experiences, can ruin our sleep and even the rest of the day. sometimes it's hard to see the healing for the horror.

to the little CF's who are restless, disturbed, distressed - teddy bear sounds about right. hope the nasty aftermath goes away quickly and you feel more at ease. love and hugs

natureluvr · May 25, 2023, 08:14:15 PM

Cactusflower, I'm sorry about the memory that was laden with shame and fear. I'm glad that you are working through this with your T, but sorry that you had to go through what created that memory. I'm sending you thoughts of support and healing.

CactusFlower · May 25, 2023, 09:09:38 PM

Armee and san: Thank you! My littles definitely like that imagery and appreciate the support. Rainy and natureluvr, thank you so much. Just thinking of the care on this forum is so helpful.

Doing a bit better currently. Taking easy today to try to save some energy for tomorrow. I have to run to the post office and we're taking Varric for his vet checkup. Bro thinks he's gained a little bit of weight, let's hope so.

Armee · May 25, 2023, 09:35:28 PM

Fingers and toes crossed for kitty

sanmagic7 · May 26, 2023, 02:37:53 PM

good luck w/ varric, CF. hope everything is good, that he's healthy. love and hugs

CactusFlower · May 28, 2023, 05:39:03 PM

Thank you, armee and san!

Varric: Well, he only lost .2lbs since october and the vet agreed that was likely because he went to the litter box right before leaving, LOL We showed her the food, vitamins, and nutritional paste and she said we were doing everything right. The fact that he's stopped barfing and his poo is okay indicated to her he's doing okay and the weight gain will just be slow and steady. We do have an antibiotic to see if it can clear up anything respiratory, but otherwise we just keep going as we are. I'd have preferred he gained weight, but at least there's no significant loss. So we'll take it and keep on keeping on.

Me: I got a letter from social security. They denied me again. I let the lawyer know, even though he's copied. I was under the assumption that I'd get the hearing. He did respond late Friday night to let me know he'd appeal this level and specifically request the hearing. I'm somewhat depressed and angry even though I know this is common. Their doctor, their appointments, I probably knew deep inside that no one can honestly make a real determination or know how it is for me in 15 minutes of limping back and forth and squeezing their hands. BFF took me to dinner last night in commiseration. At least that was a positive, as that's the best Indian food in the city! It was so delicious. I made sure to give them a good review with pics on google.

Also, my right hip has been bothering me for a few days now. There's been no changes or sleeping in weird positions, overexertion, etc, so I don't know why. And it's not the part of the hip where your hand usually rests, it's back and further down. if it's not better by Tuesday, I might make an appointment. Gods, aging + bad health sucks. Sigh. BFF says it's probably sciatica. Like I need that. Ugh.

natureluvr · May 28, 2023, 07:27:28 PM

I'm hoping and praying your kitty feels better soon. It's difficult when our pets are sick.

The thing with social security sounds pretty frustrating. Dealing with government bureaucracy is never fun.

Not Alone · May 28, 2023, 10:23:49 PM

Sorry about social security. It stinks that you have to fight so hard to get what you need.

I hope your hip feels better soon.

Armee · May 29, 2023, 12:08:16 AM

I'm so sorry, CF. Fibro is a chronic debilitating illness that is strongly correlated with the abuse you endured. It's unconscionable what they are putting you through.

CactusFlower · May 29, 2023, 04:16:38 PM

Thank you, natureluvr, notalone, and armee. Big hugs back.

Varric is still eating well. It might be too early to tell (today is antibiotics dose 3), but he seems to be... less productive on the mucus front, in my opinion. They're both asleep in the window seat sunshine at the moment.

I need to get bro to buzz my hair again today. It's grown out enough to have the "electrified hedgehog" look. LOL Buzzing it does make it so easy to wash. That and between my headwraps and wigs, I don't worry about going out. Well, not for that.

BFF's friend who was an actress in the mystery dinner thing wants to go to dinner with me and him. Not really sure why, but she was nice when I met her. We'll do that this thursday. No therapy today, it's Memorial Day, and bro doesn't have class either. Nice and quiet so far, I'll take it. No Jinx, ha ha.