Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

Thank you San, I haven't thought about all of that stuff in years.  It continues to amaze me all the things I've held on to.  I think I'll reflect on this a bit below.  I appreciate your support in my work - I do have some things to consider.  I'll reflect more on that too.
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Not Alone, I appreciate that offering of dissociation.  I think I am tired and my brain and body do want a break.  I will try to give myself that as I think some deeply held habits and thoughts are trying to take over.  I appreciate your insight.
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Here is another Sunday and another week of worry ahead. 

I am in an odd place within myself and I don't really have words for it.

I know change is coming for me in how I live and work.  It isn't here yet and I am impatient.  I would quit if I was really in trouble.  Right now I am just more aware of all the stuff I don't like and am asking myself why I put up with it.  I am also triggering myself with the worry I am acting entitled (which I was constantly punished for growing up).

The memories of sports brought up a memory of me doing what I loved when I was little- reading.  Both of my parents approached and were so concerned I was spending all day inside reading.  They insisted I go outside.  So I used to walk to the library and read there. 

Looking back now, I see how I was often bullied by others.  I didn't fit in and I don't know if my parents understood how stressed social interactions made me in addition to all the stuff they put on me.  This includes all the sports they made me do - I can clearly see the faces of several coaches giving me a hard time for not understanding or being odd.  It sucks.

I am grieving for myself right now.  I was never allowed to be me.  I trying to do that now and yet have a lot of hurt to still feel.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
Sending you a supportive hug   

Actually I smiled when I read that you used to walk to the library and read there, when your parents insisted you go outside rather than reading at home.  I see an independence of spirit right there, and I'm glad you pursued your wish to read in that way.  Although I am also upset at your parents for pushing you in the way they clearly did. 

I am so sorry that you were bullied by others in that way. 

I wish that you had been allowed to be 'you' - and I support you in being yourself.  You deserve to have that - to be you. 



Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate your support and care.  I am glad for time to be me as much as I can now.  It is surprising when these memories come up.  I am glad my younger self still walked to the library. 
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I woke up last night around 2 am, too warm, feeling triggered.  I don't know why.  I had a lot of trouble falling back asleep.  My brain was reeling.  My biggest worry has been bending a rule I know others must bend because there is no way it can be carried out.  I eventually fell back asleep and had the most intense work stress dream I've had in a while.  I woke up disoriented and tired.

Today has been weird.  Lots of folks were out sick today and it just created a lot of shifts in the day.  I have decided to just do my thing and try to not be so pleasing to other adults (whom I can't please anyways).  I need more skills before I can build relationships with other adults.

I did have a positive conversation with my boss today.  I think she would support me in being the kind of speech therapist I want to be.  Perhaps a different type of position I had talked to her about before would also be an option at some point.  For now I cannot get ahead of myself. 

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, rainy.
I hope your boss is supportive, that can help a lot sometimes. Wishing you energy to get through the odd days and crummy sleep days.

[rainydiary]

Thank you CF - I think what I wish is that I could meet with my boss more often and be heard.  That isn't necessarily realistic and I am playing a long game.  I appreciate your support.
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I haven't felt well for most of today.  I think the source is complex - poor air quality, stress, menstrual cycle, weird sleep, CPTSD, being around sick kids, etc.

I am noticing feeling stronger in myself and also distrusting it. 

I am feeling worried about the poor communication in one of the buildings I work in.  I am communicating poorly within the building too because no one is communicating well.  I am trying but it isn't only on me to make this better.  It is really triggering for me because of past experiences where people turn on me.

But I am stronger now - I know that this isn't working and it isn't my fault.  I can only function as well as the environment allows.  These folks are dramatic and petty and think small.  I will try my best and am also trying to not own all the blame.  This isn't the right fit for me.  I will either request a different placement next year or find a new job. 

I know I matter to the students I work with.  I am blown away by this little one who is obsessed with me - he copies my body position and wants to be around me the whole time I am in his classroom.  It is such a privilege to hold that kind of place in a little one's day.  He was really sick on Monday and I am not sure will be at school tomorrow when I spend a long time in his classroom.  The other kids in that class love me too and I care about them.  I struggle with their teacher.  I hope my presence will serve as a learning opportunity for the adults in that space. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, your strength, confidence in yourself, and being you are all growing - i'm seeing the progress and i hope you can realize it as well.  i know some of this stuff just takes time (like grieving, or trusting a decision for yourself) but some of it just needs to be got thru and some of it takes practice.  not taking the blame for skewed communication, knowing it's not your fault that it's not working out - all signs of greater trust in you for you.  keep up the good work, my dear   love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your words and support.
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I am in such a foul mood this morning.  Perhaps it is the other side of the feelings of strength yesterday.

I was ok and then did a yoga practice.  In the practice, I started crying.  And then feelings I think I've been pushing down came up.

I am not exactly sure why I am so frustrated but I am.  Navigating so many situations at work that make me feel incompetent.  Being told conflicting information and not having the support I need.  Judgements and expectations from others. 

Underneath lies my deepest worry about being found to be bad and unworthy.  I just don't want to be at work today.  It hasn't started off the best.

[sanmagic7]

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you San.
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I am low on energy tonight.  Tomorrow is going to be a challenging day and I could use any good wishes or encouragement as I am struggling to provide it for myself.

[Armee]

Best wishes for as smooth a day tomorrow as is possible considering. 

[paul72]

Sending best wishes for today, rainy 

[rainydiary]

Armee & Phil, I appreciate your support. 
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I made it through this work day.  It didn't go like I expected.

Some of my issue last night is my husband told me he was leaving for a trip today.  I knew he was going away this weekend and we never established when he was leaving.  His announcement triggered me which didn't feel great.  His leaving today actually made dealing with today a bit easier since I could just focus on myself coming home.

One of the things I was worried about was going to a school I don't work at to cover an evaluation of a student.  I don't think people understand how hard it is for me to walk into an unfamiliar situation.  I felt guilted into doing this because my boss directly asked.  My contact with some of the school people was intense - they are desperate for help and I couldn't deal with that intensity.  But, going there today was a pleasant experience.   One good thing about going to other schools is seeing where I might fit better than where I am now.  This place may be a contender - we'll see how the meeting I do next week to share my evaluation results goes.

Another thing I was worried about was a parent meeting planned for after school.  The parent's primary language is not English.  I have tools available to help bridge the language difference but I was not sure if the parent would come today.  Well they did...and the meeting did not go as expected.  She was deeply upset by a lot of things and took the opportunity of having an interpreter available to share them.  They were appropriate things for her to share and it sucked how badly she's been feeling.

But the meeting was draining.  I couldn't tell if the other people in the meeting were upset with me or just reacting to the parent's messages.  I also didn't know how to end the meeting.  The parent had really bottled up a lot of things and it just kept coming and coming and coming. 

Right now I am trying to settle a bit so that I can go to sleep.  I feel wrung out.

[CactusFlower]

Glad you at least had a pleasant experience at a different school, rainy. I'm sure it wasn't easy with the non-English-speaking parent. She's probably at the least grateful that she was finally able to get all that across to someone. Sometimes we need to be heard, and you were kind enough to do that. Gentle hugs and energy for you.

[rainydiary]

Thank you CF.  I will have more interactions with folks from that school this week and that will give more information.  I am quick to see greener grass yet also quicker to trust my judgment when something doesn't feel right.  I hope that parent felt heard yesterday- I had a hard time settling down last night after that.
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Today was a full day that I was glad to have to myself.

I will say my husband continues to baffle me.  He responds to texts I send yet hasn't shared any information with me about how his trip is going or how he is.  We've never had a conversation about all of this.

This is not a surprise and yet it also makes me feel like something is wrong with our relationship.  He will be back tomorrow.  He most likely won't tell me about his trip unless I directly ask.  I found myself today imagining what he doesn't do in our relationship onto some mystery partner. 

Beyond that I enjoyed my day.  I was able to run outside - I had had to skip that for several days this week due to extremely poor air quality.  Also running in the dark doesn't support my brain the same way running when I actually see my surroundings does.

I did a float today - I kept some lights on as last time I got turned around in the float pod and it freaked me out when I couldn't figure out how to get out.  I think just having time to rest in there was helpful.

I heard from two friends today.  One invited me on a trip she is considering next October.  I am intrigued but also afraid.  My life tends to focus so much around my husband and my cat.  I have been wanting to take a solo trip.  This may be a good thing to step more into myself.  It also is causing me some stress at the thought of all the things I'd have to do.  If it feels right to do, I hope I will take the chance. 

For now I will read a bit before bed and hopefully sleep well.

[rainydiary]

I ended up staying up way later than usual last night.  I wanted to finish the book I was reading.  Doing that though threw off my sleep.  I had a lot of trouble falling asleep and had some really disturbing dreams I can't quite remember.

Today I had moments where I just felt ok and like I could feel ok more of the time.  I'm not as worried about going to work anymore.  That may change again but it was nice to feel this way.

I think that may somewhat be because I was in a place where I could work on the Core Self worksheets I found on Neuroclastic.  I realized that to other people I may say a factor of my identity is my job...but to myself, I don't identify with my job.  There are aspects of what I do that feel core to me but the job and role itself are not me.  This is helping me distance myself a bit. 

We watched a show tonight where the pet of one of the characters died.  It made me feel so sad as sometimes I think about the time my cat will die.  She is still doing ok as far as I know but I know her time will come and I already feel a sense of her loss.  It helps me remember to enjoy her while I can.  She is a good cat for me.