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Well, well, well...what a crazy few months it has been.

For starters, the missed miscarriage I had in july/august, did not resolve itself. Since it was nearing the end of the summer holidays and I knew that I had a week-long school camping trip coming up (i'm a teacher), I had to make a decision. I didn't like the idea of walking around with a dead baby inside me and not knowing what would happen, not to mention the risk of infection or the risk that certain structures continue to grow (the placenta for example), meaning that the longer I waited, the worse the experience would be.
Not knowing when my body would potentially resolve it, was also really unpractical with the work trip coming up. I had trouble even leaving the house, not knowing if I was about to start bleeding profusely. So I went back to the gynecologist, and opted for the medication to bring on the miscarriage.
It was an awful experience that involved a lot of pain, I spent the day in a fetal position on my bed, on a towel, only moving to throw up. Two days later, the bleeding had not stopped and I felt like the tissue that had come out couldn't be all. So I went back to the gynecologist and she did an ultrasound to check. The result was inconclusive, but thankfully she didn't see the point of me taking another round of medication. I didn't want to go through that again. So I had to wait and see, for three weeks.

Three weeks later, still bleeding albeit a little, and still seeing faint positives on my pregnancy tests, I already knew what the verdict would be. She made another ultrasound and concluded that the miscarriage was incomplete and i'd need surgery. So I had to be put on the waiting list in hopes of getting a spot within 2 weeks and hope I didn't get an infection in the mean time.

Meanwhile, school had started. This year, i'm a mentor of a group of first-years (11-12 year olds), and I just so turned out to have the most tumultuous class there is this year. A lot of drama, a student with problems including severe trauma (resulting in outbursts of rage), two students who are being abused at home, a student whose mother has terminal cancer, a handful of kids who have lost a parent, a couple of parents who are very entitled and blame the school for everything, and a bunch of other stuff going on. This obviously influences the group dynamic, and it was not good. My co-mentor and I are working our asses off to turn this around and make sure everyone gets what they need, whilst barely having enough time left to actually teach/work. It has been insane, stressful, triggering, I am doing slightly better with it now but i've had days where I just wanted to throw in the towel and call in sick for a very long time. Thankfully I have supervisors and such to talk to, and they have been somewhat understanding and helpful as far as possible. But it's a massive drain on my already low energy.

About three weeks after school started, amidst all the chaos, I had to get surgery. So I was out for a week and had a lot to catch up on when I returned.
The surgery went well, they removed the retained tissue and I finally stopped bleeding nine days later. In total, I had been losing blood for over 1.5 months throughout this whole drawn out process.

Two weeks later, I ovulated again, and by some miracle I immediately fell pregnant again. You see, I have absolutely no issue getting pregnant. It's staying pregnant that is the issue. I tested positive on my birthday. A week later, at my grandfathers 90th birthday party, I started bleeding again. Very yearly miscarriage this time. The third miscarriage this year. It was over before it even began.

I was referred to see another gynecologist to see if we could figure out what's causing this. Following protocol, she ran some bloodwork (thyroid etc) and booked in an ultrasound to check for structural abnormalities, which I already was quite sure I didn't have. I am now also allowed to get genetic testing done on me and my partner, but we're still deciding whether we want this, as it's expensive and it won't necessarily give us anything useful (good chance the outcome will just be: oh yeah, you have an increased chance of miscarriage...which, well, thank you captain obvious). I also have a SIS ultrasound booked for in a month.

However.....I'm pregnant again. Yes, again. I got my first faint positive this weekend, and although my mind keeps running through past events and assuming this will be the same, I have to remain hopeful. Apparently, at my age and with three repeated miscarriages, my chances are still 75% that this time it will be ok. I have to believe that, and just be patient and wait and see what happens.


Then another thing. My Narc father who I have not spoken to in five years, tried to contact me this week.
Here's what happened. In the same week that I went to the hospital, I found out that my father had been publishing personal information about me in some articles on his website (he runs a personal coaching/training company). For example, he was writing about the benefits of the methods he uses, and used my personal story (or rather, his version thereof) to promote it. He wrote that I had been SA'd as a child, and developed an eating disorder because of that. And that a coach who uses the same methods as him, ultimately saved me. Here's the thing, I was indeed SA'd, but that was not the cause of my ED, nor my depression and all that jazz. He points to that, because then he doesn't have to look at his own part in the problems I developed. So there's some truth in it, but it's his version of events. And what's more: what on earth is he doing, publishing my private information online without my consent?? With marketing purposes, no less. So, at first I had my brother ask him to remove it, because I wanted to maintain no contact. It didn't work. He removed some, but not all, so I was forced to contact him myself. I did so via my business account and kept the email very distant and factual, pointing mainly to the legal aspect of it and demanding he remove it all in accordance with the privacy laws that we have in place.

He ended up not really removing it, but changing the words "my daughter"  to "a young lady I know". Then he proceeded to email me back that he loved me so much and was sorry if he'd done my any injustice. Excuse me?? If???
Then, a few weeks later...I got another email from him, telling me that he wanted to talk. He sent me a bunch of links to people he had been talking to and bits of training he'd been teaching (almost as though he was advertising or something, or trying to convince me how hard he'd worked on himself). He proceeded to say that he held no grudge against me, that he chooses to see everything from love and that if I hold a grudge, that's all I will see. He also said that he thinks we should leave the past in the past.
Uhhhh...what?? You have me PTSD and you want me to leave the past in the past? Don't make me laught.

I wanted to ghost him. But then I thought, you know what? No. I never verbally told you that i'd broken the contact for good. And I want to have it stated clearly, black on white, and I want to tell you exactly why once and for all. And THEN cut you off completely.
So that's what I did. I formulated an excellent email, if I may say so myself, politically correct but still very clear. I told him that I do not share his view on the matter, that I don't want any contact with him and that this is the result of his behaviour and the effect it has on me. That I have him as many chances as I could, and set so many boundaries, only to have them crossed. The relationship brought me more pain than love or anything else, and I'm no longer willing to put myself in that position. I'm not holding a grudge, i'm just finally chosing my own health and wellbeing. I told him not to respond, not to contact me again (unless someone is dead or dying), and that I wish him well. Full stop.
Proud of myself for that one, it felt good to do.


In the mean time, work goes on, and same goes for the renovations of the house my partner bought three years ago. Things are finally taking shape there, we just put a constructive floor in last week and now we can start building things up.

So yeah, lots going on and it's been rough.

I'm having a hard time at the moment.

At the beginning of summer break, I found out that I was pregnant again. I was really happy about that, and especially glad that we managed that so quickly after my previous loss.
Things were different this time, more symptoms, nausea, exhaustions, my bra's no longer fit, etc. I was really nervous considering my previous loss, but after we'd passed the point that it went wrong last time, I felt a bit more confident. Things seemed to be going well, and at 7+5 (last week) we were booked in for an 8 week medical ultrasound. They don't usually do early scans around here or overly medicalize pregnancy the way they do in some places, but I got one given my history.

I was really nervous on the day of the scan. The second the image popped up, I was told: "This is not an 8 week baby". She explained what she was seeing (large gestational sac, but the embryo only measuring 6+1 and with no heartbeat) and told me that I was experiencing a missed miscarriage. She assured me that clearly, I could get pregnant and things were going to be ok, but that it just really sucks that this is the second loss in a row. My risk of miscarriage is higher given my age, I know that, but it doesn't make it better. She went through the next steps with me (primarily, waiting until next week to see if anything happens on its own, and then we'll see what to do next if necessary). I asked if I could still have a picture, which she gave me. We left the room in silence and when I got home, the tears came. I was so hopeful about this one. And the worst part is the waiting game right now. Feeling pregnancy, medically still being pregnant, but knowing that nothing positive is going to come out of it. That makes the nausea and exhaustion a lot harder to handle. And also, the fact that life just goes on while I don't know what's going to happen and when. Will the miscarriage start on its own? When? How will my body deal with it this time? And if it doesn't, what route am I going to take, and what's that going to be like?

Ideally, I'd like to let my body do the work. Least risk of complications, and emotionally easier to process, I think. But on the other hand, walking around with a dead baby inside me for an unknown amount of time ain't great either. And not knowing when it's going to happen can be tricky when you're still out living life, working, etc. However, the options for medication or D&C have their drawbacks and possible complications, too. I'm trying to just go with the flow here, but it's not easy. Plus, i'd like to try again as soon as possible (i'm not getting any younger..), and waiting it out feels like wasting valuable time.

For one thing, i'm really glad that I have my partner by my side throughout this. To think that a few years ago, before we met, I was on a waiting list for a donor and I would have been going through this on my own. At least now, i'm not in this alone.

So yeah, that's what's going on in my life right now. And it sucks.

Hello all,

It's been a while, once again. So much has happened in the mean time!

Generally speaking, i'm doing pretty well. I'm still struggling with a lot of exhaustion and a few specific triggers, but i'm less on edge and less depressed than I felt in past years. The job change made a huge difference, along with the support of my boyfriend.

I do still consider getting some kind of professional help again, although I'm not really sure what kind at this point. It's hard to pinpoint what would actually be helpful for the things that I still struggle with, especially given everything i've already tried. The thing that currently bothers me most, aside from my lack of energy and my general 'greyness' in day to day life, are a few specific triggers that happen to be very common in my line of work and also rear up in my relationship.
It's mainly when I feel like i'm going to be caught out when I have made a mistake or could be percieved as doing something wrong. The other situation that somtimes pops up in my relationship is when I try to voice something that I want/need and do it in an awkward way because sometimes that's the only way I can get myself to do it (work around the anxiety), but when I do that and I'm called out or teased a little (with the best of intentions) about the way i'm doing it, or when my partner tries to challenge me to actually speak up, I feel really frustrated with myself and I shut down. And then I get scared that my partner will eventually get so fed up with me and with that, that he'll eventually leave if I don't show enough growth.
Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing, supportive partner, but sometimes a healthy relationship can be even more triggering than a dysfunctional one.

What else is new?
Well, I got prengant in april, and subsequently had a miscarriage. That was hard, even though it was early. I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember, and I was really happy to start that adventure. I dealth with it pretty well, i'd say, but sometimes it's still hard when I see all these people around me getting pregnant and having families. That makes me sad, but I don't want to rain on anyones parade by talking about it.

Furthermore, I was offered permanent employment at the school i'm working at, which is great. That gives me a lot more security for the years to come!

Anyway, i've got to run.

Hi all,

It's been so long! I've been meaning to write, but life has been incredibly hectic and busy in so many ways.
A lot has happened since the last time I posted, positive developments for the most part.

I was just reading back what I last wrote, and was reminded of how I felt at the time. Being in the middle of that level of stress, and being in survival mode almost all the time, I was aware that I was stressed and unhappy but I didn't even feel the full extent of it. When I think back to that time now, I wonder how I got through it at all. It certainly wasn't sustainable or healthy, and I wouldn't have lasted there much longer (even though I'm sure I would have, hadn't I found something better).

My current job is so much better. I work at a different school, slightly bigger but better organized. It's a higher level, so I can teach more in depth rather than just trying to deal with behavioral issues all day. Of course there's always some issues, but I don't feel unsafe in the classroom anymore. I don't have to waste all of my energy on futilities like kids purposely stealing or breaking my materials, tearing down the classroom, starting fistfights, ignoring/bullying me (and each other), etc. At my previous job, every minute was about surviving. Every class and virtually every student, was something I had to 'face' and 'get through'.
At my current job, most classes are neutral and have fun, good or satisfying moments. There's the occasional rough one, like a class/student that I struggle with or a lesson that doesn't go as planned, but that may be one class out of the ten classes I teach. Or one or two lessons out of the whole week. Whereas it used to be every class, every hour, every lesson. So the balance has shifted a great deal. I can do my job so much better this way, and even enjoy it (or at least feel neutral about it) most of the time.

The main stressor with my current job, is workload vs. time. So much work, so little time. We all know that teachers are stretched thin, and this school is no exception. But the thing is, i'd rather be stressed over a heavy workload (and know that I can do what needs to be done, even if it does cost a lot of time and energy), than deal with the tremendous workload combined with the emotional stressors of feeling unsafe and being treated like dirt all day, and never getting any satisfaction or pay-off. If time is my biggest issue, it's not ideal, but it's still miles better than what I had before.

Aside from work, the other big life change: my boyfriend and I have moved in together.
It's so strange to think that a little over a year ago, I was headed towards becoming a single mom, at the top of the waiting list for a donor, and convinced that I could never have a healthy relationship (nor did I want one). And then I met someone who I only intended to have some fun with, and he turned out to be the love of my life.
It happened so quickly, but it wasn't hurried. We took our time and took it step by step, but things just progressed so naturally and steadily that everything developed so much faster than I could have imagined. We first hooked up in November of 2022, casually. By January, I realized I was in love. By April, we made things official. And in oktober, I proposed he move in with me, and in November 2023, that's what we did.
I love this man to the ends of the earth, he's my favourite person on the planet and I love him more every day. Never have I met anyone who makes me feel so comfortable and safe, I can be myself completely with him, and he does the same with me. He's such a genuine person, so grounded, open minded and honest. At the same time, he knows how to tease me and keep me on my toes, we have so much fun together and he always knows how to make me laugh with the most unexpected weirdness. He supports and takes care of me, without coddling me or taking away from my autonomy. I trust him completely, which is something i've never experienced before. I never knew I was capable of loving like this and having a healthy relationship, but he's proven me wrong. Turns out, it helps to have the right partner, haha. Who would've thought.
In the beginning, being in a healthy relationship often triggered me. For example, if he was "too quiet", i'd be reminded of all the times in the past that i've had the silent treatment, and so I'd immidiately start wondering what was wrong and feeling all that dread come rushing back. But along the way, with my boyfriend being who his is, being so mature, genuine and consistent, I quickly collected good experiences to counter that, and learned to trust him. Now, whenever those triggers arise and I start thinking doom-scenario's, all I have to think is: "Hang on, this is Nick we're talking about."

And sometimes, it would be the good stuff that triggered me, because i'd suddenly discover that I dealt with so much cr*p for so many years, and it turns out, that's not "just the way it is". I'd feel bad for younger me, and the fact that she never knew that love could feel good.

Obviously i'm not magically 'healed'. But being in a healthy relationship is a healing experience in itself, and a good place to work through things and grow.
And having a better job, closer to home, with a consistent income and without the insane emotional toll, also does wonders for my mental health.
So I would say i'm doing a lot better than I was, that's for sure!

Anyway, i'm going to go and put dinner on, as Nick will be home in a bit (and the first one home, does the cooking, haha).
I hope you all are well.

Guys, i'm stressed AF.

This year, I was appointed to organize an excursion to the zoo with all our first year students. I've never done this before in this context, so I worked together with a colleague who had.
Three weeks ago, she told me to ask the person who makes the timetables for a list of names of all the colleagues who would be available that day, so that I could appoint supervisors who would be joining us on the day. I needed 13 people (the zoo asks we bring 1 teacher per 10 students), but because there was another excursion on the same day, there weren't many people to choose from.
Anywho, I asked and received the list and shared it with my other colleague who was organizing the other excursion, so that we could divide the supervisors amongst us. She offered to take the list from me, make the cut herself and send it straight to the timetable person. I agreed, assuming it would be finished a.s.a.p. so that I could start informing my people.
A week later, I noticed that there were still no changes in the timetable, so I asked about it. I was told that my colleague hadn't turned anything in yet, so I went to ask her about it. She told me she was almost done, and would send it later that day. Which she didn't.
Over the course of the past two weeks, i'd been getting more and more stressed about it, because the date of the excursion was getting closer and closer, and I still had no supervisors to inform. I emailed her and spoke to her numerous times over those two weeks, and she kept saying that she was nearly done but had to make changes due to people cancelling, and that she'd send it later that day. Which never happened.
Last week, I was away on camp with out second years. After emailing back and forth with her again, this sunday she eventually said she'd have it done by the end of the day and send it to me. But on monday morning, I still hadn't received anything. So whilst I was out on the football field, supervising the school sports day, I sent her yet another message to say that we really, really had to get it done NOW, otherwise the excursions might just fall apart.
When I got back to school, I found her in the hallway and we agreed to sit down and figure it out. She just had to talk to a student first, and she'd be out in 15 minutes. I agreed to wait for her in the teachers lounge, but after 45 minutes she still wasn't there. I was about to get up to find her, when she came in.

Anywho, we made the cut and figured it out, then I immediately communicated with the timetable maker and emailed all the chosen supervisors the details.
And that's when the emails starting coming in with cancellations, colleagues who already had other appointments that day, emails from colleagues who wanted to switch groups, people who were annoyed that this hadn't been communicated sooner, etc. And obviously, I agree with them. I wanted to have this done weeks ago, but I'd been waiting for the necessary info for weeks.

By the time evening came around, I was three people short due to cancellations, and I was really worried that I'd show up to school on Wednesday and have to cancel the whole thing for the lack of supervisors. And even more scared that i'd have to answer for it, because technically, I was the one responsible. And not only that, but I had a bunch of colleagues who were irritated with me for my late communication, and I didn't know what to explain it to them without throwing my colleague under the bus.

So, in a bit of a panic, I eventually contacted one of the principles and explained the situation. I told him that I was worried about the excursion flopping, about all the cancellations, and about the situation that lead up to it, including the fact that my colleague had failed to keep her word on numerous occasions. I also made sure to mention that I wasn't trying to sh*t talk my colleague, I know she's busy and does her best as well (it wasn't lazy or malicious, she's just chaotic), but that I wasn't happy about the way this had gone.

He got back to me pretty quickly to help me figure out the supervisor situation, but he also cc-ed the email to this colleague. So I panicked even more, because I imagined her reading it and being really pissed with me for throwing her under the bus. I probably should have spoken to her about my concerns sooner instead of waiting too long and directly taking it up with the principle, but I didn't. Partly because I felt uncomfortable doing so along the way, and partly because it was already too late and I wouldn't be seeing her anymore before the excursion date. I needed to do something, fast.

The supervisor issue is now resolved, but i'm immensely stressed about coming back to school and facing my colleague(s). I'm not too worried about explaining the situation to the people who were annoyed about the timing, as it wasn't my fault. But I'm worried that that particular colleague is going to be angry with me, and that possibly a few others in our department might be as well.

I'm already tired and stressed, and I can't wait until the summer holidays. But now all I want to do is run away and get out of there asap.

Well, another few weeks have passed and in the meantime i've resigned from my current job (effective at the end of the academic year, in july) and I start at my new job after the summer, which is great. Working closer to home is going to save me so much time and energy, and I really hope the work environment is better too. It's these last few weeks that i'm really starting to notice how exhausted I am, and how desperate I am to get out of here. Can't wait!

As for my relationship, things are going well. At the same time, they say that healthy relationships can be triggering if you're used to toxic ones, and i've found that to be true as well. It's like...as happy as I am about our relationship and as sure as I feel about it, at the same time, the more I love him, the more scared I get. Because the deeper I get into this, the more I have to lose. And i've noticed that i've been dealing with some anxiety there. I'll start worrying about the usual, you know, the whole "what if we get to a point where he has gotten to know me so well, that he doesn't like what he finds". And I don't know if I should tell him about those fears, because one of the very things i'm afraid of is that he'll get tired of my baggage and insecuritites eventually, if I let them surface too much. He's a great guy, he cares for me, he's understanding, I just worry that i'll be too much, even for him.

Thanks, Rainy!

So the conversation actually went really well. It really helped, the way my boyfriend helped me out with defining the most important points and the best angle, I had written it down for myself so that I could read it through beforehand and make sure I had it at the ready in my brain.
My boss was really understanding. I made sure that he understood why I couldn't let this opportunity go, and that I did feel ambivalent because I really love my current team. He told me "this is your future, this is something you have to do", and he even said "For our sake, I hope they don't hire you. But for your sake, I really hope they do". And also said: "And if, for some reason, it doesnt work out....you'll just stay here." He was also more than willing to speak to my new employer and give me a good reference.
So where I was initially worried about putting myself in a compromising position by basically putting myself out of a job before I officially have the new one, I now have two viable options. I immidiately sent his details to my (potential) new employer so that they could contact him, and it appears that they did so the very same day. Because I got a message back yesterday, with an invitation to come over there and discuss further details.

So yeah, it looks like I have a new job for the new academic year. I'm a little nervous, obviously, because i'll be starting over once again and that's always hard work. But at the same time, i'm really excited as it has so many benefits for my and for my future. I'll be much closer to home, i'll be able to nerd out, teaching biology at a higher level than i'm currently doing, and the school i'll be working at also has a lot of music and theatre stuff, so i'll be able to get involved with that, too. Furthermore, if I do end up moving in with my boyfriend and starting a family in the future, i'll already be closer to home, so that's great!

Anyway, when I met up with my boyfriend last night after my evening job, he'd went out and gotten me some snacks, because he remembered what I like to eat after work. He'd even made sure to look up which brands I can actually have ( because i'm gluten & lactose intolerant), which is really sweet. He takes good care of me, i'm a lucky girl.

This week was really exhausting, but with good results. Glad i'm off today, so that I can just relax and let it all settle down a bit.

Pff, can I just say that I feel so incredibly greatful and lucky to have such an amazing man in my life...

There's a lot going on in my life at the moment, lots of things that are good, but stressful all the same.
I got a job offer the other day that I didn't think I was going to get, and i'm happy about it, but they also require a reference from my current employer. Which is scary, because that means that i'm going to have to have that conversation this week, but it's a bit weird to be asking your current employer to do you a solid and recommend you to someone else, so that you can leave. And the thing is, I love my team here, but the new job is a big step forward all the same. So I feel bad for leaving, especially with our current shortages and everything, but I also feel like I need to do this. But as you can imagine, getting ready to have that conversation has been nerve wrecking.

Yesterday, I had a rought day, a few things happened that triggered me and made me feel wonky, and the job situation running in the back of my head was an extra stressor. By the time I got home from my evening job at the gym, my boyfriend was there waiting for me, which is always nice to come home to. When I started telling him about my day, I ended up crying (which is actually a first within our relationship), and he responded so well to that. At first he just held me for a while, then he got me a cup of tea and held me some more. Then, when I'd gotten it all out, he made me laugh with a bit of an inside joke, and eventually, after i'd told him that the biggest issue was that I didn't know how to have that conversation with my boss and what to say, he asked me what I had in mind. He listened to me, took a few minutes to process, asked me some questions, and eventually (from his own area of expertise also) he helped me figure out the best way to approach the conversation and what to say (very specifically, which is what I needed). He wasn't condescending or coddling about it, he knows my strengths and knows what I can do, but he also knows which things I need help with sometimes, even though they might seem small or silly. He seems to understand that it's the little details that get me, and it helps to figure out a step by step approach. But I was overwhelmed and although I would have done it anyway, it was really helpful to talk to him about it.

When I thanked him, he told me something along the lines of, I know you're strong and you're used to figuring everything out by yourself, but sometimes it's helpful to collaborate. You're not alone anymore.
And somehow, that made me feel really emotional. I d*mn near could have cried again.

Later in bed, when we we're cuddling before going to sleep, he sort of repeated that notion. The fact that i'm not alone.
And people have said that in the past, usually it doesn't really land and I brush it off. But this time, it just really hit me.
It feels so good to have someone in my life that I feel safe with, and who has my back and shows it. We haven't even been together for that long, but it feels so profound. I don't feel trapped like I would have done in the past, I find myself wanting to be with him and connect with him more than I ever have with anyone, simply because he lets me be me, he gives me my space (and takes his, too), and I trust him never to take away my freedom (whether it be literally or figuratively). The fact that he lets me be free, makes it safe and desirable for me to connect more.
He makes me feel loved, we can be weird around each other but have serious conversations and such as well, everything just feels so natural...it's like we've been together for ages, and it just fits. He encourages and challenges me, but doesn't push me against my will. He's great at communicating, and doesn't leave me guessing or get passive agressive like any of my previous partners would have done. It's so strange yet so natural, to not have to tread on eggshells all the time.

I love this guy to bits, and I feel so lucky...

Anyway, i'm going to go upstairs and see if my boss is free. I have a conversation to start.

There I am again.

Easter weekend was great, despite the fact that N and I both had a pretty bad cold.
He met my family for brunch, and that went really well. Not that I need their approval, but it's just nice to see them get on well. Especially considering the people i've brought home in the past, haha.

Anyway, after that, we took his motorcycle to a hotel in the middle of a nature reserve and spent the weekend there. We walked a lot, talked, chilled, read our books in silence, had delicious food and just hung out. It was really, really nice and we had great weather for the most part. It didn't start raining until the way back on monday, which is always a bit of  a bummer when you're on a motorbike, but hey ho.

I met up with him again yesterday after my classes, and I ended up telling him that I love him. And he reciprocated. In fact, after a few months of 'figuring it out', we've decided to make things official; he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, and my unfiltered reply was "f*ck yeah". There's a tiny little part of me, a remnant of my avoidant dismissive attachment style, who is freaking out a little. But it's faint, and i'm sure she's only warning me not to make the same mistakes i've made in the past, and she's right to keep me on my toes in that sense. Because doing things the healthy way this time round, takes a lot of effort. Even though it's a * of a lot easier doing so when you have a healthy, stable partner.
But aside from that, i'm really happy about it. It's a decision we took our time for, and we really took the time to get to know each other. And not without reason, considering i'm not the youngest and time is ticking; I really want to start a family and I dont have time to f*ck around. So to be frank, i'm not just picking a boyfriend, i'm picking the potential father of my children. We're taking it easy, but we're taking it seriously.

So yeah, i'm really happy!

Just checking in with another relationship update, because this whole experience is just so new and different that I feel the urge to write it down.

Another thing i've noticed that seems very healthy to me and that I really appreciate about him and the way we interact, is how openly he communicates, and how he actually tells me what he needs when it comes down to it. It makes it easier for me to do the same.
N had  a funeral on one day and heard that his uncle had passed on that very same day, so when I texted him at the end of the day to ask him about his day, he obviously said that he'd had a rough day. When I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, he simply said: "Yeah. But later though, I need to decompress a bit first." and then, an hour or two later, he texted me that he was on his way over (as we usually do on monday evenings) and he asked me if we could take a walk. So, we did. We went for a walk, and he told me about his day. Simple as that. But not so simple if I look back at previous relationships and remember how hard i'd have to work at guessing what was wrong, and dragging things out of them.

Last weekend was busy, but lovely.
I had my motorcycle theory exam in the morning, which I passed, yay. I spent the afternoon cleaning the house and going out for coffee, because Friday is my day off. I invited N over for dinner, which he agreed to, and we spent the evening watching Love is Blind (we've been watching that together and subsequently watching the body language analysis video's of it, which is hilarious and interesting, but it also makes for great conversation about all kinds of subject including relationships, values, etc.). Then, the next day, I had a long day ahead of me because I had to perform at a reunion with my highschool band. N actually initially had other plans that evening, but he cancelled those in order to join me, which was really sweet, especially since that meant that he'd not only be tagging along for the gig, but he'd have to sit through the rehearsal and join me for all the highschool-reunion stuff as well. I reckon most would have found that boring, but he seemed genuinely interested in meeting some of my friends, seeing me perform and learning a bit more about my past.

We headed down there in the morning with some time to spare, and ended up getting a coffee at my aunt's café in the neighbourhood. My aunt was really happy to see us and chat, she's also now the first person in my family who has met N. My mum must be jealous, haha. On the way back to the venue, I drove around the area to show him the places i've lived, etc. It's nice to be able to share parts of my life to someone who seems genuinely interested, and who does the same with me (he drove me through his hometown the week before). It makes me feel seen.
After that, we headed back to the venue for rehearsal, and subsequently headed out to get a quick bite to eat. Then we had to go back to the venue, for the first part of the show (which we both watched together). I was a little worried that he'd be bored, but he really enjoyed it. After that, it was my turn onstage. It's kinda funny because N and I know each other from the band we were in together, and now I was onstage with a completely different band and he was sidelined, watching me. After that, we stuck around for a while and watched some of the other bands. We had a great time, but being the old people we are, we did go home before midnight because we were both in desperate need of some sleep at that point.

During the car ride home, we ended up having a pretty important conversation that I’d been meaning to have for a while. You see, I really want to have kids. And up until recently, I assumed that I’d be doing it alone. I have been on the waiting list for donor sperm for a while, and last year, I got a call that I was at the top of the list. At the time, I was just starting a new job and I asked them to postpone for another year until I knew whether or not I’d be getting a proper contract. They were ok with that, though it was unconventional. I was asked to call back in April/May to let them know if we’d be moving forward with things. Well, it’s April now, but obviously, things just got a lot more complicated. I mean, I still want kids (and I know that N does, too), but obviously it’s too soon for us to make that decision and for me to call off the whole donor thing. At the same time, we’re serious enough for it to be weird if I were to go through with the donor thing right now. We’re in that grey area where it’s not a serious relationship yet, but we’re both keen to see where this goes and figure out of this it the ‘real thing’ and we have a future together. We’re in that grey area of figuring it out and it’s going really well. So you can imagine, it was an important conversation to have, to make sure that he knows that this is going on in my life and so that we both know where we stand. He was really understanding about the situation and I was also very glad to get it all out in the open, and to hear from him that we’re on the same page in terms of the stage of the ‘relationship’ we’re in. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one with feelings, and that I’m not the only one seeing this as something with serious potential and wanting to figure that out. I’ve also decided that I do need to call the medical center soon and ask them what my options are in terms of postponing, if at all possible. If they put me back at the bottom of the list, that wouldn’t be too bad either, since the waiting list is 1,5 years long. That would give me plenty of time to figure it out, and not so long that I would have aged out of their max age-range by then.

Anyway, we got back home after the gig, ad thankfully, i'd been smart enough to find someone to cover for me at work the next morning, so we could sleep in. After getting up, we went down to a beach restaurant that he frequents, and we had a brunch together. Then, we walked on the beach for a while, and on the way back, we spontaneously went to have a coffee at his mother's. It was a somewhat odd time to do so, because N's uncles passed away that week and the family was preparing for the cremation, but despite everything that was going on, it was nice to meet his mother and step-dad despite the weird timing, and it wasn't half as awkward as I'd normally expect such things to be. Somehow, the whole situation and the conversations were very organic.

We spent the rest of the evening hanging out on the couch at my place, I made us dinner and we were just chilling. Went to bed on time because we both had work in the morning, and N had a rough day ahead of him with his uncles cremation. I also had a job interview that day (I’m looking for something new, as I’m not quite happy with what I’m doing now). At the end of the day, N texted me to ask if he could drop in (he’d only just finished family stuff after the cremation), and then he came over and we went for another walk to talk through everything that had happened that day.

Wednesday, I got my period and I heard that the job I’d applied for really wanted to have me, but they couldn’t make up the hours so I rejected them. I was kind of bummed and complaining about it over text and I mentioned that I’d run out of chocolate. When I got home from the gym that evening, he was at my house, sitting on the sofa with a pot of tea and a bar of chocolate that he went and got for me. I thought that was so sweet.

This weekend, he’s coming with me to meet my family for easter brunch. I’m really excited about it, I cant wait to introduce him to everyone. After that, we’re going away for the weekend to a nice hotel in the middle of a nature reserve, which is going to be great. I’m really looking forward to it.
Excuse the long story with mundane details, it’s more that I feel the need to log this stuff somewhere because it’s all so new to me and it feels significant. Things are just going really well, and I’m happy about it.

Thanks Armee, that does sound similar and it's good to hear! For years i've been saying that i'm not looking for a relationship, mainly because I feel that i'm incapable of having a healthy one. But hearing about people who have managed to make it work despite the issues we deal with, and not only that but also to work through those issues and heal (attachment stuff etc), that's awesome.

We went away for the weekend last week, and it was really nice. He had an appointment with a kitchen supplier in Germany on the saturday morning, so we drove to a hotel close to the border in Friday evening. It started snowing really heavily along the way, so it took ages to get there and it was a challenging drive, but it was good. We decided to take my car, because mine would be safer under the circumstances, so I did the driving and I put him in charge of the music, haha. The hotel was lovely (as was dinner and the breakfast buffet), and I drove us to the kitchen place the next morning. It was amusing being there with him, because obviously everyone assumed that we were together and making decisions for a home together. But what made it more amusing was that he actually did ask for my opinion on a number of things and actually took my input seriously, sometimes telling me he thought I was right and actually taking my advice.
After that, we drove back to the city and walked around for a while, had some lunch together, then I drove us back home. We subsequently popped into the supermarket for a few things, made dinner together, cosied up on the couch and eventually went to bed early (because utterly exhausted).

We've been spending our weekends together like this for a few weeks now, and I can't get over how natural it feels. Normally, i'd either be feeling suffocated and shutting down at this point, or i'd be anxious and getting enmeshed. But neither of those are the case. I'm fine on my own, I just really enjoy spending time with him and he feels like an enrichment to my life. It's strange and new, but i'm low-key envisioning what a future with him would be like, and it's not scaring me. I really like this guy, and for as far as I can tell at this point, he's a big green flag and I think we have a pretty good shot (assuming he feels the same way about me, obviously).

I've asked him if he'd like to go away with me over Easter, and he agreed. So we booked a lovely hotel in an area with a lot of nature, because we both like going on hikes. I also told him that my family was having an easter brunch on the morning before we leave, and half jokingly asked him if he'd like to come (not expecting him to actually agree, considering we're not 'official' or anything), but he actually agreed. So he'll be meeting the family, which is exciting . For the few things i've told them about him, they're all very curious, haha. Then today, he asked me to join him for coffee with his parents soon, too. So I guess we're taking another step.

Hi Guys,

Just checking in.
Things are going alright, comparatively.

I recently decided to give myself a little kick up the butt and try something new, to get out of that rut i'd been in. So I signed up for motorcycle lessons, and i'm hoping to get my license before the summer. It's a challenge, but i'm having fun and it's nice to notice that it's not as horrible of an experience as my driving lessons were 18 years ago. Granted I was a lot younger and more insecure then; with every little bit of criticism I almost burst into tears. And I felt a lot more pressure to succeed at the time. Right now, i'm just doing this for me and I'm aware that I need a little more time when it comes to learning practical things. I'm more a theoretical gal. So I'm just taking it as it comes and enjoying it as much as I can.

As for the guy i'm seeing; that's been evolving, too. I was scrolling through my chat history and realized that over the past three months, we've been in contact with each other pretty much every day. And we're seeing more of each other as well; at first we'd see each other maybe once a week or less depending on how busy we were, but we gradually got into a rhythm of seeing each other three or four times a week and it's been really nice. I feel comfortable around him, we have fun and we can have deeper conversations as well.

There's a lot of things that I like about him, that i've discovered along the way. He's kind and considerate, but not a push-over. He'll help me out or support me, but not in a coddling or condescending way. He has a good sense of humor, he's smart, he has an open mind. And he just seems...balanced. Healthy. Which is a strange experience, because in previous relationships, I was always the healthier one (which is saying something). That does worry me sometimes, when I look at myself and thing, well now i'm the red flag. Why would anyone be interested in that?
But he's been really good about it. I specifically remember a situation where I was really stressed out about a phone call I had to make. At first he kind of made jokes about it, and the usual 'I make phone calls all day, what's the big deal' thing. He made a joke that he'd text me the next day to make sure i'd done it, just to give me a little push. And that made me feel invalidated and silly, but before I could give myself the chance to shut down and block him out, I decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to communicate about it and see what would happen. After all, he's no mind-reader. So I told him that that wouldn't help, and asked him to do something else instead (I gave him an idea of what I needed). And without missing a beat, he changed his approach. And when we talked about it later and I tried to explain how these things work in my brain, he was really open to it. He simply said that it was something he hadn't considered because he didn't have this issue and didn't have any experience with what that must be like, but that although he didn't understand it from experience, he understood that it was a big deal for me. I was really glad that I took a shot at using this situation to practice communicating my needs and test how he'd respond, because as flabbergasted as I was (wait...he's not gonna fight me on this?!), I was really happy to experience what it's like when someone treats you and your boundaries with respect, even if they don't understand fully.

Three weeks ago, he invited me out to dinner. I think that was our first actual date, looking back. We had a great time, he stayed over, the next morning we just sat on the sofa having coffee and breakfast, and then we decided to go do something together. So we went and picked up his motorcycle, and then we went to a convention together. Afterwards, we did a nice little ride around the area and by the time we got home, it was cold and it was dinner time, so I just made us some food and we snuggled up on the sofa under a blanket and watched video's all evening. He stayed over again, and didn't leave until I had to go to work the next morning. So, effectively, we spontaneously ended up spending the whole weekend together and that's sort of become the norm now. He was with me last weekend as well, and he's picking me up later this afternoon to go away for the weekend together. So I don't think we can reasonably call this casual anymore, haha.

We haven't really talked about it explicitly, though we've had a conversation in which we both expressed that although this whole thing has developed way past what we initially intended it to be, there are no regrets and it feels good. I have told him that I really like him, and that didn't seem to scare him off, so that's good, haha. We're just taking it day by day, and we'll see what comes of it. Quite frankly, I think the way we've been taking it slowly and letting it develop naturally without those awkward 'what are we' discussions nailing it down, have actually helped me work around my usual attachment triggers.

Anyway, that's the update so far.

Hi guys, it's been a while.

By now, it's been about 6 weeks since I had to have my dog put to sleep. It's been a journey.
We found someone to come and do it at home, which was a good move. We planned the appointment a week after we found out about the whole thing. Then, I spent his entire last week doing everything together with him and pampering him, and I even had a little goodbye party where a bunch of friends who knew him, came over to say goodbye. It was a rough week, I ended up getting sent home from work one morning because I just couldn't keep it together. I was talking to my supervisor, and when she asked how I was doing, I burst into tears and she told me to go home. I've never taken a sick day in my entire teaching career, so that was...an experience. But I was grateful for it, because I could spend some more precious time with my dog.

The vet booked us in as probably his first client of the day, because they arrived pretty early in the morning. His previous owner was there too, along with her boyfriend, her sister, and another close friend who has known our dog since he was taken out of the shelter. I was glad they were all there, Adje passed away on my lap, surrounded by love and being cuddled until the very end. After that, we burried him in my back yard and planted a tree on top of it.

Getting used to being alone, has been rough. Adje was a central point in my life, i'm reminded of him with everything I do. I got used to the freedom pretty quickly, but I haven't gotten used to being without my best friend. I still talk to him every day, and I miss him dearly.

One thing that has helped, is that i've been (casually) seeing someone lately, for the first time in six years. I've known him for a while, he was the bass player in my previous band. I'd been thinking about it for a while, I mean, he's cute and kind, we're both adults, so why not. But I held off because, you know, you don't scr*w your colleagues. But somewhere at the beginning of november, he decided to leave the band and eventually we disbanded altogether. So I figured, I have no excuses left, I have nothing to lose, might as well ask. Well, he was up for it and we decided to, well, 'netflix and chill' some time. And that went really well.
That was at the end of November, literally days before I took Adje to the vet. We've been seeing each other regularly since, and it's been great. I'm trying not to get all TMI over here, but probably the best experiences i've ever had, in so many ways. Quite frankly, it's almost a healing experience. At the very least, i'm having a lot of fun and it's making a rough time a lot more bearable, haha. It's a casual thing, simply because we're both single and everyone has needs, but we're getting to know each other better along the way and I find that to be quite enjoyable as well. I never really got to know him that well before, because as two introverts, neither of us spoke much, we just played music. But with the conversations we're having now, I'm finding more and more things that we have in common and I really enjoy his company. So that's nice No idea where it'll lead, if anywhere at all, but it's exactly what I need at this moment.

Anyway, i'm off to teach a class.

Thanks guys.

I'm having a rough day.

Took my dog to the vet this morning, because his swollen face probably meant another infected tooth. I was right, but as I already saw coming, there's a little more to take into account this time.
The vet said that he has a significant heart murmur, his kidneys are rapidly on the decline and he has arthritis. If we want to pull those teeth, he'll need an echo of his heart before they'll even consider putting him under, and the odds are that he won't wake up. If he does, his health will deteriorate faster after that, and he'll need to get a whole lot done about those kidneys and joints, too.
The other option is painkillers, which will make him comfortable, but it'll wreck his kidneys and it's not a long term solution.

Obviously, at almost 16 years old, I knew this day would come. The vet said that we needed to consider if I want to put him through all that when he's already on borrowed time, or whether I want to let him go. And I know that's the most humane thing to do. But i'm going to miss him so much...he's my best friend and he's all i've got.
I spoke to his previous owner who is still in the loop, and we decided it would be best to find someone who can euthanize him at home, because he's always so scared of the vet.
We've booked someone for next weekend.

I know it's for the best. I'm just heartbroken.

Hi guys, it's been a while.
Life has been hectic, and although i've been writing a lot, it wasn't here. I just feel the need to get something off my chest that I don't really feel comfortable sharing within my social network, so here I am.

It's my birthday this Wednesday, I turn 36. Since we haven't really been able to do social gatherings for the past few years with covid and all, I was looking forward to getting everyone together and seeing my friends again. So, about a month ago, I planned a game night for my friends that took place last night.
Unfortunately a few of my good friends weren't available, but they did let me know up front, so although I was disappointed, it was fine. Up until yesterday, the counter was on ten people who had confirmed, and six people who'd said 'maybe'. That's a pretty nice sized group for a game night, and I was really looking forward to it. I'm usually quite a hermit and I don't see my friends often, so events like these are kind of like hitting two birds with one stone. I spent the past two days preparing; baking cakes, doing groceries and just generally looking forward to it.

Then, yesterday, a few hours before the event, people started cancelling. For legitimate reasons, don't get me wrong (not that it's up to me to decide what a legitimate reason is, but you get my point), but it really bummed me out. Eventually, only four people showed up, out of the 10-12 that I was expecting. It was especially awkward in the beginning, when only two people were there and we all happened to be the more quiet of the lot, so after the standard chitchat it just kind of fell quiet. I was like, oh man, if no-one else shows up, how am I going to entertain them all evening and make sure this doesn't turn into an awkward disaster?
In the end, we did have fun with just the five of us, but it did leave me in a bit of a funk.

I feel really disappointed and sad. And I feel bad for feeling that way. I don't want to be ungrateful towards the people who did show up, and I don't want to be a d*ck towards the people who cancelled. But the whole thing just left me feeling really...unimportant and unwanted. It takes me back to the days when nobody wanted to play with me, and I never got invited anywhere.
And I can't seem to shake the feeling, I just feel really down right now.