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sleep is still spotty, altho some nights are better than others.  i'm beginning to tell myself it's ok if i don't sleep, i can sleep during the day if i need to, or i can just do whatever i need to do while feeling tired - it's not as if i haven't done that before!

my D had to make another visit to the oncologist, this time to get a prescription for the hormone therapy she's sposed to be on for the next 5 yrs.  it was more distressing than either of us imagined.  major triggers just going down those same streets that we had to use for all the radiation treatments.  it's taken us several days to recover, and since she has anxiety around taking pills, she still hasn't started, so the recovery isn't complete yet.

this crapola is the friggin' worst!

bach, is there any way you can have that tantrum?  or some modification of it?  does it help to write all that stuff out?  at one time i kept an anger journal, and it was for nothing but that, being angry about people, circumstances, situations in my past/present. i'd start writing (always using a red pen - that signified anger for me) words, and often they morphed into scribbles, slashes, tearing the page, swearing, etc.  and when i filled one notebook, i'd immediately walk it outside, out of my home, and put it in the trash.

it was very cathartic for me, as far as it went.  it was the closest i've ever come to having a tantrum.  of course, i had to soothe myself afterwards - i've always been missing that part as well, having someone soothe me.  i get you.  love and hugs

i think that's great, hope.  more self-care.  yay!!!  as always, it seems, we're the last to know about ourselves.  love and hugs

SO, i'm glad you have something to help you get some sleep every so often.  so very important, i think, cuz from my experience, everything is worse w/o adequate sleep/rest.

very sorry you're experiencing this neg. crapola right now.  i hope it leaves you with some peace very soon, at least for a while.  i hope you're able to enjoy the garden.  maybe get at least some grounding from it.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

very insightful stuff, SO.  so glad you went with your gut all those times.  unfortunately, the therapeutic field is filled with too many people who are unaware of what trauma contains, what it's made of, or what horrible consequences it's left on a client.  and, dang, my dander was raised about blaming you for not 'getting there'.  that's never on the client.  rather, it's that the therapist doesn't know (yet or ever) how to help the client get to where they want or need to go.

unfortunately, it's a mindfield (i know the word is supposed to be minefield, but my fingers spelled this out instead, and i think it fits, too) out there when it comes to getting proper help from professionals.  my very first therapist ended up being a NPD, but of course i didn't know anything about me or any of this stuff at the time, and took her word on everything as gospel, so to speak.  it wrecked me, i pressed charges against her with the state board eventually, (it took me 8 yrs. to be able to finally get up the courage) and they told me i was correct in doing so. 

so, yes, going w/ your gut is so important.  i'm glad you can see more clearly now, even if you weren't able to do so at the time.  and i had to wonder inside what a bossy and controlling anybody was doing at a shamanic ritual in the first place!  so we live and learn.  i'm glad you made it out, and have made it thru until now.  keep going, ok?  love and hugs

Bach, i echo NK's words of wisdom.  the struggle of staying here, making it thru each day, just seems overwhelming at times.  i relate to that all the time.  looking back, it's what i see my entire life to be - one big struggle.  it's so wearing.  hang on tight, ok?  we're here with you.  you are so much more than your mother's expectations.  love and hugs

SO, that shaman experience pinged me, like it was something you've experienced in your past which is why it happened in your present.  i mean, the idea of people presenting themselves as helpers, someone there who was supposed to take care of you, but ended up doing quite the opposite, and were awful to you instead.  that's what your experience spoke to me. it must have been absolutely terrifying.

thanks for sharing.  i've actually been one who did some drugs in my past for 'fun', but ended up being quite paranoid sometimes, having panic attacks, etc., believing my friends were laughing at me - so, no, it was not very much fun at all a lot of times, altho at other times it was a laugh riot. stopped all that quite a while ago, tho.  not worth it.

and i agree, EF's seem to take all power away to make rational decisions at times.  ugh!

i hope you find some peace soon, are able to get your feet under you, so to speak, and can experience some restful sleep.  i know compliments can be difficult, but i wouldn't say anything of that sort to you unless i truly believed it.  you are wonderful.  love and hugs

SO, honestly, i feel your pain.  the idea of not being seen or heard - yep.  and the fact that very few professionals, including therapists let alone doctors know about or understand c-ptsd - yep, again.  it's frustrating at the very least. adds to not being able to be seen or heard even when we're screaming it from the mountaintops!

i've also been to that dark place more times than i can count.  i'm reaching out my hand to you to let you know i do see you, i do hear you, and you're not alone traveling thru this blasted tunnel of time that continually can pull us back into it when all we want to do is be free of it.  i'm with you.

by the by, you're one of those wonderful people here on the forum - i hope you know that. love and hugs

too hot in my room w/o the a/c, and woke up early, sweaty, even tho it wasn't that hot outside.  guess i just have to stumble thru the summer.  i can always nap.

my D brought up something last nite, talking to a friend, and she told me that she'd told him about the dynamic about her parents, how her F left all the discipline to her M, (she said he didn't do *, which he really didn't - i would say 99% of everything that was done in our house was because of me), and she said it wasn't fair to me cuz it made me the bad guy throughout her childhood. 

even when she said it, i thought to myself, no, it's too late to be bringing this stuff up (it was during the time after we'd both gone to our rooms, me for my routine before going to sleep), and sure enough.  when i finally laid down, thoughts about this jumped up and ambushed me, and i had to resort to eye movements telling him to 'go away'.  it was ugly having to try to fall asleep with that rattling around in my head.

i hate this crapola.

i'm having pretty good luck w/ the anxiety at bedtime - i continue to do my eye movements and telling myself i can rest, i can relax, i can sleep, i am enough, i've done enough (this one often goes to thoughts of D1, which has been one of the toughest), i am enough.  unfortunately, last nite i was up most of the nite cuz i couldn't get rid of unwanted thoughts about the past.  that sucked.

but wimbledon/the championships has been great - very interesting.

hey, bach, and then there are the things our mothers didn't teach us were important, like taking care of ourselves, respecting our boundaries, and knowing we are enough.  you are enough, what you've accomplished is enough, what you want is enough. 

i wonder if that 'inner child' who you think might be your M could be just her voice, her expectations of you, her 'shoulds' she's laid on you.

we've gotten so much neg. from our supposed caretakers, and so little pos., i think it's really difficult at times to flip that switch.  sometimes we can know to dig the neg. out, but find it hard to know what to replace it with.  i'm with you.  love and hugs

glad you're feeling better, hope.  i understand how emotional peoples' stories can be for us, books/movies, cuz i've shed my share of tears throughout my life becuz of them.  i also understand the feeling of not wanting to continue reading/watching something cuz it cuts too close to the bone.  there have been several books i've had to stop reading, several movies i've had to stop watching for the same reason.  too emotional in the wrong way.

once again, your progress with everything you're tackling is amazing.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs

yeah, it sounds like a lot    NK.  dang. i do hope he gets an air tag (i just looked it up, sounds like it would be perfect for this situation).  seems like you've been living w/in no sense of safety, which, in my mind, completely warrants that 'tantrum' - a lot of feelings associated w/ feeling unsafe. EF sounds just about right for the situation as well.  and then you had to be the responsible one, do a search and find the keys in order to restore a sense of safety, take care of it all yourself.  there's a lot there to process.

i do hope he gets one and it eases this problem.

and, congratulations on your therapy progress.  the fact that you can now manage some things you weren't able to before is wonderful.  keep up the good work, ok?  love and hugs

yep, got the chapbook in on time, so that's a big bunch of stress off my shoulders.  i know nothing will come of it, but you know what?  i frickin' did it!  so i have no regrets for not giving it a shot. let the chips fall where they may.

editing is going well also.  and now wimbledon for 2 weeks, so i'm doing ok.

probably, blueberry.  that was monstrous of them to do that to you, by the way.  i'm so very sorry you had to experience that from them.  you didn't deserve it, still don't.  i'm hoping for more lovely conversations to come your way.  love and hugs