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so glad you're here, DF.  i know the feeling.  love and hugs

yeah, rainy, words are powerful, and i always think it's important to find just the ones which say exactly what we mean.  not always easy, tho.  and i can't always grab the ones i want at the time i want them, either.  so, it can be frustrating as well.

hope you can get home soonest, and i wish you didn't have to have a bunch of unwanted experiences piling up on each other, especially so soon.  if it helps, can you imagine me or one or more of us by your side to help you handle the worst of these? 

sending love and a hug filled with 'handle it' juice, as much as you need for whatever is coming.

bach,

Now the question is, how can I finish grieving the life I was never going to have and get on with making something out of the one I do before it's too late?

also being up there in years, this quote from you resonated.  the first thing that came to mind was 'one step at a time'.  i know it sounds trite, but i guess it's all i have. many days i feel pretty useless, especially when there is a hangover from trauma and i can't do what i want cuz my body or mind is not where i need it to be. it sucks.

by the by, i also related to the eating at nite stuff - i'll eat too much too close to bedtime, feel too full, and feel crappy the next day.  also sucks.  on 'better' days, this doesn't happen, so i'm hopeful that as there gets to be more of the better days, this will happen less often.  hopefully for you, too.  love and hugs

hi rainy,

good to see you again.

i've been a people pleaser most of my life, and i know now it's because that's how i was trained from little on.  my world was all about doing what i was told w/o anything but obedience, putting on a smile for the world, and not bothering anyone w/ questions.  it's still difficult to stand up for myself, take care of me first.  those old lessons die hard.

as far as boundaries, well, most of us weren't allowed any, so we never learned what our own might look like let alone be able to put something like that into action.  it's a big topic, loaded, and might take some time to get thru it to the other side.  i'm glad you're looking at it, tho, cuz i think it's one of the most important things we can learn for ourselves.  love and hugs

interesting stuff, hope.  i'm intrigued by the idea of the 2 pathways.  i hope you get a lot of good out of this book. 

once again, so very glad you have such a caring, compassionate partner.  i have no doubt he is on one of those pathways to healing for you, and has been helpful in you getting as far as you've gotten.  that's wonderful.  love and hugs

CF, your pocket is really coming along.  i actually started some cross stitch, but just can't find the energy to work on it regularly.  i'm so glad you have, tho.  it's beautiful.

as a therapist, may i say something about the 'crazy' thing?  no, you're not crazy, and you do deserve help.  also, as difficult as it was to hear from that T that she wasn't able to help you the way you needed to be helped, i give her a lot of credit for recognizing that her skill set was not what you needed.  and i emphasize 'her skill set'.  if she would have faked it, you could have been re-traumatized.  there are plenty of stories on this forum about that.

i belong to an online EMDR forum, and have been amazed by how many (there are 1,000's of T's there) are truly not CPTSD trauma-informed.  they have 'bread and butter' trauma training, but the trauma that comes from long-term relationships and things like dissociation (or in my case, alexithymia as well) they are simply not trained for.

what we experience as victims of long-term relational trauma is in another category, one that still isn't recognized by the DSM - the therapy 'bible'.  dissociation is very serious, but it doesn't mean you're crazy - it just means you need help from someone who specializes in it, knows what they're doing regarding it.  best to you w/ this new T, even tho i know it's a pain in the patoot to have to look for someone new, get to know them, tell your story, etc.  ugh!  i do hope this one is a good fit for you.  you absolutely deserve the best care out there.  love and hugs

DF, i think it's really good you brought it up.  i can't tell you how many times i've written on the forum and talked about (or apologized for) 'whining'.  we really do have good reason for what we're feeling and how we're feeling it.  as you said, it's an 'inside job' - we look pretty 'normal' to the world, but inside is a whole 'nother story.

and, no, unless someone has experienced trauma of whatever kind, there is no way they'll know how it is for you, walking around, doing your job, taking care of business.  thank you for writing this - it's a good reminder to me how what i feel/think/etc. is not about 'whining'.  it's real, it's painful, and it doesn't happen for no reason.  love and hugs

Just my thoughts here of course but it doesn't sound like nothing, it sounds a bit like a "death by a thousand cuts" kind of thing where every "little" thing adds up to one big sense of overwhelm.

this was my first thought - this was a whole lot of somethings going on rather than nothing.  i've had this happen numerous times, and it sucks.  one little thing after another - yep, they really do build up.

i hope you can be easy with yourself as best you can.  i see no 'wuss' here, but someone struggling to maintain themselves while under a barrage of crapola - and your emoji said all that for me 

love and hugs

dalloway, i, too, can relate.  sometimes it's taken me weeks to get thru an emotional experience from therapy, other times a few days.  what i've heard from others here is that 'this, too, shall pass'.  and it always has, i'm glad to say.  sometimes we just have to hang in there in order to see it thru to the other side. and, i agree, at our own pace and when we're ready.  always important.  love and hugs

so lovely.  thanks, cascade.

CF, that pocket design looks so wonderful!  i love the colors - that yellow really 'pops'. i'm a big fan of embroidery.  it's going to be beautiful!

so glad about the extra money for you, and that you're going to be able to get new glasses.  leaving out things like dental and eye docs is so frustrating.  very glad that will get covered for you. 

keep it up, ok?  i think you're doing great.  love and hugs, 

hi, hope,

have a lovely vacation.  i hope everything goes smoothly and you get some peace and rest mentally and emotionally, if not physically as well.  see you when you return.  love and hugs

hey, CF,

sounds like you are doing bits and bobs, a little of this, a little of that, all of which seem to be heading to clean and clear. i think it's very cool you're able to do that. i hope you can keep it up, at your own pace, of course.

good luck finding a T who fits with you.  very smart to keep that 'blurb' about yourself, what you need, etc.  i do hope you can find one soon - wouldn't that be great?  1 out of 5, tho, hmmm . . . are they that busy?  or maybe not 'trauma-informed' enough? this interests me now since i've moved, in case i have to find someone new. right now i'm not looking. 

keep up the good work, ok?  love and hugs

you know, hope, it really hasn't been that long since you've begun to write your thoughts/feelings/emotions in an unedited fashion, so, to me, it seems the clunkiness is warranted.  we're all clunky to some degree when doing something we haven't had a lot of practice with.  the fact that you're writing your truth here deserves much recognition for its strength and courage behind it. i agree, it shows how far you've come thru your hard work.

as far as getting into therapy, that's something that will come or not - i like armee's mention of inner wisdom. if/when it feels important to do so will be your time. 

so glad you're here, hope. i see your growth.  love and hugs

i've also been a needleworker, CF, so i understand the 'dangerously' designation for a DMC sale!  i loved reading that!

congrats on getting your first check.  dang, you'd think food stamps would be part of the deal - what a bummer! i'm just so glad you finally won your case and it's coming thru to you now.  wonderful!

and, yep, i agree about the 'wannabe' writers thing.  we're writers, authors, artists, singers, dancers - all of the above and more just cuz it's what we do.  we get to define ourselves for ourselves, and that is a freedom i cherish.

love what you're doing w/ the foodstuffs.  it's great.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs