Memorex recovery jounral

[memorex]

It may not have been clear in my last few posts but I wanted to make clear they werent addressed to anyone particularly-I was just addressing them to anybody that might have been reading, and also to myself; thinking out loud.

As for todays entry-I feel utterly lost. Incredibly desperate for reassurance too. But too scared and raw to ask for it anywhere. I feel that in certain areas, theres so little help available that its quite shocking.

I also feel sort of philosophically lost. Everything seems utterly pointless in an existential kind of way.

I desperately wish I had more/some support available.

I desperately hope this will pass.

[Blueberry]

memorex, all in all it sounds as if life is pretty difficult for you atm. So many thoughts, maybe also new realisations. I hope it helped in some way to put them down in writing here.

My experience is that these phases do pass - at least they evolve into something else, maybe better, maybe worse, but eventually you do tend to come back up again. As if you need to come back up for air and your body automatically sends you up for some.

I'm sorry you don't feel you have much support at all. Here's  as a symbol of support from OOTS in general. If hugs aren't your thing, well, it's just a colourful symbol of support from more than one person.

I have the feeling that in lots of countries the names of abusers or people who did other types of despicable things are coming more and more into the open. The downside for people like us with cptsd is that it can retraumatise or just be much more difficult than for others. We're more sensitive, not so indifferent. The upside for society is that these things are being talked about. I think in general it's an upside for us with cptsd too as at least some people in society realise the scale of abuse.

Can you try for a little self-care to counteract all these thoughts a bit? Even just looking at nice pictures in a book or online (like funny animal antics) to make yourself feel better for a few minutes. Or listen to music you like. Catch a spot of sunlight somewhere. Curl up somewhere warm with a blanket. Drink a nice cup of tea. Or drop by teh Healing Porch in your imagination http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9998.0

[memorex]

Thanks Blueberry. It has helped posting here. I also had fixed myself some fruit tea, and carried on sorting some of my photos for submission to a newspaper. Journalled some as well. It opened out my boundaries and horizons a bit to remember some different hopes for the future. And posts on this forum, such as yours, helped too.

I still feel like some aftershocks of the earlier 'earthquake' are here, resurfacing every now and then, but the ground feels a bit firmer beneath my feet at the moment.

And youre right about abusers and reactions. It is upsetting to see. Tbh its hard with this guy who did things though, as nobody is talking about him or his crimes. Its so weird how selective the media can be when it comes to uncovering such things.

Anyway. I guess its their lack of interest on this celebrated person that is probably whats pushing my buttons, and as you say, I guess im sensitive to that probably.  The feeling that the person has never had to pay any kind of cost and is still celebrated. Ah-maybe one day in the future it will change. As you can see, I find it hard to let go of feelings involving 'injustice'. Im trying to focus on the present and note how the best use of my energies is on self care for me today. But its a learning curve!

[Blueberry]

I do understand that about the injustice! A lot happened in FOO that was unjust when I was growing up so unjust things in the here and now used to trigger me tremendously. It has got better with my own healing though. I'm no longer so triggered. I hope the situation improves for you sometime too.

on the self-care and taking steps forward in your life, e.g. sorting photos. 

[memorex]

Feel in the hole again today. Had haircut yesterday and now just think I look awful. So depressed and hopeless today. And at same time, feel too enmeshed with FOO. Fear wont be able to cope when parents pass on. Even though I couldnt stand thought of seeing them.

I feel totally caught in a no mans land. A painful area between hating where I am and not feeling strong enough to change anything.

I desperately hope it changes soon. All my self care things feel like theyve been blown away by a hurricane. Cant get the mind focus to calm or soothe myself or use any of the tools I've built up over time.

And Im waiting for more news today on when the next round of repairs to my home will be and when I'll have to change my sleep for that I dont feel up to. They said theyd contact me by now but typically havent. Am giving it until 4.30pm then will have to call and see whats going on.

Hate all this. Feels like am in purgatory.

[memorex]

...and they letting agency did as I suspected and fudged things when I called them to find out whats going on. Great. So STILL no firm date when I can even try to prepare for dealing with.

I HATE this lack of knowing at such a horrible basic level.

Im SO drained when all I want to do is to be able to use what little energy I have to focus on finally trying again to rebuild a social and support network and a life of some kind

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, sending you love and hugs filled with hope and peace.  i hate that feeling of not knowing also.  it seems like it wreaks havoc on my nervous system at times.  ugh. 

[memorex]

feel very upset today. Though my parents are still in reasonable health (as far as I know after going NC), Im having a period of fearing I'll fall apart when my mother eventually passes away, and fear I'll never be able to cope.

Its an old fear I've had since being a kid and guess it shows enmeshment still. But its so overwhelming today.

[sanmagic7]

i have a similar fear about attending the funerals of my nc daughter or my npd ex (he's my dear d's father, and i would go in order to support her), so i can relate about not knowing how i would cope.  it's something that i often have to push down just so i don't get overwhelmed by it.  sometimes staying in the present day will also help, as in 'it's not happening today, so i don't need to think about it'.  it often depends how my emotional being is at that moment.

sending love and a hug full of calm to you, sweetie.  hang tough, ok?

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[memorex]

Appreciate the support. Thanks all.

[memorex]

Woo-hoo!!

No idea if I won or anything, but that photo competition I entered has just been in touch to say theyre doing a calendar of the best entries and they want permission to use my entry for one of the pages.

Not bad! Not a huge prestigious competition, but it was the first actual competition of any kind I've entered after getting a picture published in the local paper, so its something.

Will see if my photo places in the final competition results overall when they announce it.

[Deep Blue]

Best of luck! What exciting news!  I'm smiling for you right now. 

[sanmagic7]

      

[memorex]

For maybe the first time Ive journalled some of the neglect and emotional abuses I suffered as a kid (and adult) at the hands of my mother.

Im a bit scared about this as Im worried it will all be too much. Then again, a part of me feels ready to do it now, and feels its right to do it now.

Often when im scared or low, my mind goes blank and I just cant recall the awful things I suffered, leading me to doubt myself and also my choice to go NC.

Its quite shocking to see it laid out. Maybe it hurts my dream part that wants it to not be true. I dont know.

I tried calling the Samaritans - not that Im feeling suicidal - I just wanted to talk of it with someone. Couldnt get through to anyone in 3 attempts.....

Part of me is a bit relieved. Part of me is very sad.

Weird how so much of my self esteem is linked to my notion of how much or how little love my mother ever had for me/showed for me. When I see how little there was, I feel so hurt. When I feel hurt, I fear facing people. And when I fear facing people, part of me wants my mom's comforting. Something I rarely ever got as a kid. 

What a vicious circle. Oh, I wish I could give myself a phone call so I could give myself support. Theres something about it coming from someone else that is something extra

I dont feel very present as a result of all this. Dont feel very up to facing the tasks of my day today either.