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I have felt that way too, that you just get so tired of talking about it.  As time has gone on tho I have realized it does end. You will notice several days and then several weeks and months have gone by without you thinking about it or mentioning it and then it just becomes something you express when something triggers an old feeling. It seems to be that way during each phase or layer of recovery too. I almost feel like we just need to let it out, verbalize it until we don't anymore. Then it is done. It loses its hold over us, which is SO insanely freeing.  The turning point took years for me, but it DID come.

I am sorry about your dad and that you had to go through something like that with your parent. You are taking steps to heal  yourself and work through this.  By working through our recovery even tho there are similar thinking patterns to our parents, which there definitely are with so many of us; we learn how to derail them and move through them. I could see so much of my mom in myself and it scared and disgusted me. Then I realized, she was too afraid, maybe too comfortable in her own misery to do the work to get better. It also helps to have a place like this where it feels safe to let it out. For me journaling like a fool helped too.   

BeHea1thy, thank you  That is where I have been going in thinking about it too. Our lives at the time were all about surviving. Thank you so much -- will look forward to them. 

Kizzie, YES not feeling like all of you was present.....that is a perfect description. I am sorry you had that too. It really does. Volumes!! So much energy used in just keeping our heads above water. And yet for me at least, that felt normal. I knew nothing different. Right off the bat, I can't think of anyone but plan to give that some MORE thought and see if I can come up with something. You know I really would like to look at pictures. All I have are a handful from my baby book........but I would like to see expressions, things like that.....I think some of it could be validating. Thank you, it makes sense that it could be. Reading through my baby book sure was. It was like a book about a dog learning new tricks.........fairy slipper made her bed today....fs didn't cry as much today...very strange things....nothing loving....very cold. Thank you so much 

Fredricka.....sorry you are dealing with it too. I plan on reading up on it a bit more over the weekend. I haven't tried EMDR......I would love to hear what you think about it. It would probably be a little bit of both..... Bittersweet. 

I have realized that up until the age of probably 13 there are no memory problems for me at all. Lots of crystal clear and fond memories.

After that there are huge chunks missing,and the memories I do have are not as happy as the younger ones. I suffered from severe anxiety from around 13 until early 20's. Insanely painful shyness.........but I did manage to function ok enough outwardly and put myself out there enough to go to college and work. Looking back this amazes me. But I had no choice.  I was  so wound up with anxiety, constantly --  and can even remember exactly how that felt if I let myself. I shook all the time. My feeling is that I was just surviving during those years.Very pre-occupied with all of my shortcomings and how so much of my life made so little sense at home...the rules, my dad's anger, my mom's and brother's behavior and the repercussions of some of that.....I feel like I was just a scared child honestly, especially emotionally, just doing my best to get through. For example I wonder how much more I could have actually learned at school if I hadn't been so afraid. My body was constantly under scrutiny and being horribly criticized at home, to the point I felt so self conscious I would slouch and then my mom would always get on me about slouching. I had beautiful long hair and she made me go and get it chopped off super short, which I hated. My own grand father would tell me I looked like a boy. I was always told how stupid I was by my brother and father especially. So I felt incredibly dumb. Our extended family reinforced all of this too.  I just wanted to disappear. I am guessing this has a lot to do with WHY I can't remember much else. The memories  seem to get clearer again once I got older and was away from home more........started forging my own relationships etc.

Can anyone else relate to this? And is there anyway to get those lost memories back? Thanks 

This is such an interesting question. My gut level response is my art saved me. Period. I have been creative as far back as I can remember. Musical instruments, writing, drawing, clay, photography....anything and everything. I think it is my life force  and had I not had it to retreat to and lose myself in, I honestly don't know what would have happened to me.

I remember spending hours in my room drawing and writing. I thought I was good too. I got to meet a local artist I admired when I was in my early 20's and felt thrilled and recharged by the experience.......my art gave me confidence and courage.   Interestingly enough my family tried to steal that from me. I never drew "that" well. I played my instruments "ok" Well somewhere inside of me thank God, I guess I knew better. I started hiding my drawings. Fast forward to young adulthood and I was told I played at a college level just a couple months after learning the flute. I went on to sell my mediocre art work etc. Creativity was my anchor. My mom especially tried to completely squash that within me. I feel the cptsd has nothing to do with my talent.......in my situation.........my art tends to be happy and dramatic (color-wise) I love drawing portraits and really focus on the eyes and the hair when I am doing women's faces. The windows to the soul and I love long hair and was always made to keep mine short.......until I moved out  It has been very long since then. I think the long hair in my drawings anyway symbolizes a free spirit. So in that sense maybe the cptsd DOES have something to do with it. My art leans toward freedom. I got deeply into photography two years ago and really enjoy doing up close work......capturing the minute details and beauty in all of creation. That to me is about freedom too. So wow, maybe, then!!!

I did have one trauma in my life that definitely fueled my creativity. I was diagnosed with breast cancer 9 years ago. My mom is also a cancer survivor.......I think the not knowing how long I would be here really ramped up this feeling of 'I need to do/learn this now' So for a year starting during the time I was going through radiation, I drew.....and drew and drew. I had never mastered realistic looking faces before that and just played a lot with animation. Well I did it! 3-5 hours every single night after everyone was in bed I got my sketch pad out and drew faces until I felt like I had conquered that. So in that sense yes. But before that, I was just so happy to have my art as a safe place to go during all the craziness at home. It has been ever-present in my life and I am now 54.

I can tell when I am going through a super deep depression, bad or overwhelming time with all of this stuff because that will cause all the creativity to dry up. Those times can scare me. I have been getting better at riding them out and realizing it can just be part of the process for me and it will come back. But I do feel scared when it happens because it is almost like I have lost my best friend for that time.

Wow, can't wait to see the other comments. Thank you for an extremely thought provoking thread.

^^^^^^^^ That thread is so good. Thank you for posting it. 

Interesting you brought this up. I have just recently become aware of something that feels very similar to what you are describing. I hate the way it feels. I think over arousal is a perfect description AND I think that is exactly what it is. Although I do feel like some of it can be part of the CPTSD, I also feel part of it can be due to being an introvert or empath and not being authentic to MYSELF.

I have realized and this is just for me......over stimulation, talking too much to people online.......talking to people that are unhealthy for me and make me mad......are HUGE precursors to this feeling. Agree with you exactly like it is a physical response to being around people. Most of mine is online and over the phone due to the isolated area we live in, but for me it can still be too much. Stress = HUGE Cortisol spike. I have been journaling a lot lately and am realzing these two behaviors (being online and messaging online) might be coping mechanisms for me.....distractions and escape even. So when I start to feel this way, I completely go off of chatting with others online or even the phone where some are concerned. It can be hard for me to SLOW down but I work really hard at doing it and have a day of journaling, being outside, maybe something pampering and do my BEST to not feel guilty but to indulge myself in nuturing and just taking care of me. I try to NOT think of other people and what they think. The first day of doing this is usually the hardest for me, and I am fighting that electric feeling for most of it.... the second day feels so much more relaxed and the electric charge feeling is usually almost gone. I feel much more balanced.

I have also re-commited myself to a daily yoga practice. Even if I don't feel like it I do it and always feel so much better afterward. I do feel exercise can be a great release for this and a balancer. I like to workout with kettle bells and weights......also go hiking. ALL of it helps to relax me and get rid of that feeling. I am so glad  you brought this up. The best way for me to describe it is like you are driving a stick shift car and the clutch is in and your foot is on the gas revving the engine. A lot of energy is being expelled but nothing productive is happening and like the engine, you  get over worked. I do believe cortisol has a huge part in it too.

I don't know if this is exactly what you are talking about........I think for me it leads to an almost over tired feeling where I really have to work that first day especially at deliberate relaxation and it really is work. I am just beginning to sort this all out so I hope this makes some sense.

 Fredricka, NO you are not the only one. I am sorry you had to experience all of these things and for as long as you have too. I think as more people read your post and comment,  you will see that the dynamic you describe is sadly pretty common in these kinds of families.

The way your mom treated you period and especially as a baby are both just inexcusable. I just don't think those types can handle what comes with having an infant or small child. I OFTEN heard stories about what a cold child I was as a baby and toddler and how I always had an upset stomach. So much so that she had to put "something" in my bottle to calm me down.  My brother on the other hand was the perfect child. Up until just a few years ago there were stories like that being told and I am 54 years old lol. And how on earth can you defend what kind of baby you were to those kinds of comments? It is all so ridiculous.  The fact that you never got hit doesn't discount at all the way you were hit with her words and neglect. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical......and leaves permanent scars too. 

It has been implied that I have exaggerated and "dwelled" on things she/they did far longer than was healthy. Yes, they are experts at invalidation and gaslighting. Trust your gut. And removing yourself from their toxicity is a great idea. I am happy for you that you have that honest relationship with your father. That is wonderful


The invalidation can really mess with your head. It sure did in my case. I often had trouble knowing what was true and what wasn't. Thank God for my husband and later daughters who saw things like they were and could validate my reality. Like you, my brother is also a GC. I can remember sharing with him things that happened with my parents and how crazy they were treating me and he would always begin his response with "well if what you are saying is true." I wanted to smack him. He also did some pretty crazy things to me and if I dared try to talk to my npd/bpd mom  about it, she would make excuses, dismiss it completely or go into some sob story about how her brother was REALLY mean to her and I didn't know what mean was if I thought my brother was mean. It is all so crazy. There was a lot of lying going on  with all of them too, to the point I never knew what the truth was with any of them.

My parents both literally walked out of my life 4 years ago. No good bye, no hey here is our new number, or address. Just sold their house and moved to where my brother is 1200 miles away. So I do understand that pain and I am so sorry. It is devastating. 

Thank you so much for the validation!!! I think sometimes I can go back to hearing the old tapes in my head.....you are too sensitive etc. It really helped to read all of your responses.

Boatsetsailrose.........YES! This is all of what I mean.  Thank you for adding some great food for thought. I loved your list of what you ARE doing now! Yay!!! Yes, learning that you matter. That is the bottom line. Forever we have felt like we don't matter. It feels foreign to go there, but so true about how liberating it is.

I have still been rearranging and de-cluttering my list of friends. It is funny when  you are going through a difficult time especially, how those types just disappear. Where before I would wonder why and feel sorry for myself - now it is like good riddance, they proved what I was already thinking..........we are so much better off without them! It is nice to get to that place where we realize it too. I am feeling so much stronger.

Indigo Child thank you so much. I sat here nodding my head through all that you wrote.  You are so right. It is so nice to have a place like this to come to and talk to others that get it. You brought up SO MANY good points and observations. It is funny because part of what I did to work through the anger I had at my parents in the beginning of finding out about all of this, was get a punching bag and just go to town on it.  It was a very safe outlet for me and over time I used it less and less until I no longer felt I needed it. It was SO incredibly wonderful to just get that out. I also journal like a fool lol. I have gone to therapists on and off while working through this and it helps a lot too. I feel yes, definitely, now that  some of the anger I am feeling is about my mom and dad because these people remind me of them in their ability to ignore, make me feel invisible etc. I feel a strong almost hatred for Narc types right now and I know that is probably too strong, but I am giving myself permission to feel it if that makes sense.  Even if all I do doesn't make sense to everyone (narc types in my life)   ......I find myself not caring so much anymore.........and that is huge for me. I know the anger passed before and it will again. I loved what you said about all of this -- excellent points. Thank you!

Whobuddy, reading through your post, I really would NOT put you in the category I was talking about..........because you have the insight to think about how you interact with others, you care about how you put yourself out there and are working on making your communication style more balanced. I sense a real caring coming from you.  The people I was talking about would never do that.......it just wouldn't occur to them. Honestly I think that balance is something a lot of us are working on, having never had the experience of witnessing very much "healthy" growing up and even later in life depending on how long we stayed close to our parents. In my case it was until I was 51. At one point in my life I was painfully shy..felt like I was literally just taking up space...it was horrible. I felt very afraid to open my mouth and say anything for fear of being shot down like I was with my family of origin. Somewhere along the line something gave me some confidence and I got bolder only to unfortunately have a lot of similar experiences like I did with my family. BUT with therapy and healing work I have finally gotten to where I am now and I am not always thinking it is me who has the problem.........and I am questioning THEIR behavior. Baby steps  ;)Something I never would have done in the past. I would have felt like it was all me and just faded away. Coming here and sharing is invaluable for me while working through all of this. You are taking huge steps to understand your communication style too and that is such a giant step forward. We are all on this journey together and gradually making our way to MUCH healthier relationships. 

Hysperger, I love that mantra and am going to use it. Thank you for sharing it with me. I think you are right........more and more people today are so plugged into their own stuff that listening and really hearing are becoming lost arts. It is very sad and YES it is so much worse when it is someone you have listened to and considered close. Thank you for validating my feelings. That really is where I am at today. Anger was always discouraged for me in my home and even after so sometimes I guess I just need to hear that it is ok...and justified. I feel we are given these emotions for a reason and we need to pay attention to them. But sometimes old programming rears its ugly head. 

BeHea1thy thank you......and I agree. Oh my gosh that house was so cute. And yes it was. Part of the reason we are looking to move out that way.......seems a much calmer place to live. Thank you

keepfighting, I was very much feeling this -- still am. It is just new to me at this point and I don't always trust it. Thank you!!! I love what you said and that is my plan as well. It is nice honestly to even get to that place where we realize we have a choice! 

I have a real sensitivity to people who when you share something you are going through good or bad, seem to try to derail the conversation and make it all about them. Example: (Me)We have been having some major flooding in town and I feel bad for the people who are losing their homes again so soon after the last flood. (Them) I know how you feel - it has rained here a couple times this week and it is really humid.........
(Me) We just got back from looking at a house for sale that we are super interested in. It is a really cute Victorian painted yellow and white. (Them) That reminds me of when I was little I used to spend the night at my aunt's house. I think it was yellow too. I slept in the upstairs bedroom with my cousin Kelly or was it Susan I can't remember but yes yellow houses are one of my favorite. My aunt lived in the country and her house was so much fun............. 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........this stuff makes my blood boil. I have been sick for a couple weeks now and am just now starting to feel better and these types are all about the time THEY got sick 5 years ago. It is like a competition and I don't even want to answer them. I am just getting my energy back. They have asked how I am doing and then use it as a launch to be about everything they have ever had. In the past I would find myself not feeling good and trying to validate THEM. I have been doing so much healing work I am DONE with that.  I know part of it is that my N mom used to constantly do this. Anything I had she had better or worse depending on the situation. And so many conversations got turned around to be about her. I hated it. This one friend of mine does it so much I have been seriously distancing myself from her and have been feeling much better having WAY less contact.  She talks over me and so often doesn't even respond to things I say about me or my family in messages anymore. I have almost completely quit responding to her.  I feel like just being done with all of them. I love to listen and I do care about others sincerely...but boy if/when my turn comes to talk and this happens repeatedly it makes me so upset. Would love to hear your thoughts on this. I think a lot if might also be the healing work I have been doing and I am finally really seeing them for their true colors.......still not there 100% tho and just looking for some feedback.  Thank you 

Yes, I have felt that too. I look at it more like this now. You know how when someone very close to you dies.......your body goes into a state of shock so you can go through everything ahead? I feel like after going through what you described, it wears us out on pretty much every level and our body shuts down in a sense to protect us until we feel stronger. For me that apathy can last anywhere from a day to even a week depending on what has happened that I feel has triggered it. I used to try to push through it and that only made it worse. Now I pay attention and baby myself and it seems to work through in its own time. 

Getting through a panic attack is huge and takes a ton of energy and then to have the insight to see a silver lining shows fantastic attitude and strength. In a sense you have been put through the wringer emotionally and physically and the apathy is just your "self" calling for a time out.

As far as the escapist thing.......YES  For whatever reason comforting tv shows of which I have a couple on DVD's and certain foods help. I just go with it. I have realized they run their course and all is well again. It is hard but unfortunately part of this process. 

lonewolf, I am very sorry you are having to deal with this with your family.  That can be one of the hardest parts of healing I think. And to be honest one of the BIGGEST signs of progress! We feel like we are finally putting pieces together and getting stronger only to be knocked down, put back in our place so to speak, by the very people who should be our cheerleaders and be happy for us. It sounds like you are a scapegoat in  your family. It is so much easier for them to blame you, rather than look at their own failings. Everything is fine-ish when  you bite your tongue and keep up the status quo, but when you start making strides in  your healing it really upsets the apple cart and unfortunately the stuff begins to fly most of the time.

I went through the exact same thing with my family and they all basically walked out of my life 3 years ago. It is a tough place to be but in the end, our health (emotional, physical and mental) is the most important thing. It hurts like crazy to be treated this way, but in time we realize we are so much better off without all of their stuff, and we usually minimize or end contact.  I wish so much I could say something that will make it all better.  Just keep taking care of you and your inner child. It really doesn't matter why you bought the books. Something inside of you needed them. Enjoy them, treat yourself, build up that sweet inner child and continue healing. 

I still struggle with this one often.  One thing I have noticed though is although I DO have several very nice and sincere people in my life, I still have many that aren't. I am doing some very serious house cleaning at the moment because it is becoming very apparent to me that I NEED to have people that are sincere, authentically loving, and that expect nothing back in return. Right now the ratio is way out of balance. I am not sure if this is the situation for you, but I believe we can feel this way because forever it was "normal" for us to be treated this way....I feel that by getting rid of the people that are not sincere,  who ignore us and are genuinely unkind, we will get to a place where we can trust people's kindness because we have lived enough of it at that point. I think it is two fold for us, just let the good in when it comes and get rid of anything and anybody that reinforces the old. That is my goal right now and little by little I am SLOWLY seeing it work. 

I love this quote "When you are mirrored in love,  you see yourself clearly" Cheryl Richardson. "Clearly" could translate, deserving, and worthy, for us.

We have not been mirrored in love for most of our lives. When we finally are surrounded by real love, even if that means only our self love for a time I do think things will get better in this area.

Thank you so much Jdog!!! Something really  just clicked for me over the last month.. ....like I am done with all of this....repeating the same unhealthy patterns over and over........just staying stuck in a lot of ways. I really appreciate all that  you said in your post. Loving the running analogy too......I get exactly what you are saying ......and watching and waiting for that magic. Thank you!!!

Thank you  I am really glad I caught myself and stopped before all the pics were gone. Wow, that is a good thought and it honestly never crossed my mind. Thank you. Perhaps I was attacking something all together different. Great insight. The funny thing is I grew up tall and thin. I think my mom who was the exact opposite was very jealous and she is an n/bpd so lots going on there with her. And the porn stuff was at its worst with my husband then. Thankfully he got help and went on meds and that was never an issue again. My physicality was attacked honestly almost daily by mom, until I was almost 50!! She and my brother would go off on me all the time. I was tall and started slouching bad in my late teens because of all the stuff she said and then she would get on me for slouching. One thing that did help....I got into sports and became proud of what I could do.......started carrying myself differently and things for me improved on some level which was nice. I was getting positive feedback from my coaches which did help  But I realized I had a very skewed body image for most of my life because of her.....As far as the loving and cherishing. There has definitely been a shortage of that. I have always felt my daughters felt that for me. My husband it comes and goes. He is an N also but with medication is not nearly as bad as he used to be. But other than that nothing. I seem to have gone from one unhealthy friendship to the next and that is why I am incrdibly determined to work on this. I do NOT want anymore of those people in my life. Thank you so much for the encouragement and validation. It sounds like in all of our sitations we have found unique paths based on our circumstances. I wonder if someday I will be ready for the inner child work. I tried it but really got nowhere with it. The loving of self seems to be the thing that is going to be my catalyst for healing. I really appreciate you all sharing what helped and  how you started the process. I just got another book today and am so excited to read it. It got excellent reviews. It is becoming more and more apparent to me how growing up in my family and then dealing with them almost daily until 3 years ago is what planted the seeds for the cptsd and then you add a difficult marriage and very unhealthy friends and there you go. Something clicked this year and I decided I want this next year to be VERY different. I don't want to be sitting here a year from now with the exact same issues. Thank you so much for your input and help