Where did you guys start....with your healing?

[fairyslipper]

I got a special notebook to work on and document my healing.  I have been watching youtube videos and reading a lot.......taking notes on everything. It might sound silly but I am treating it like going to school for self-esteem--and inner peace. I have really committed to LOVING myself. That seems to be my biggest hurdle. I never realized just how much I really did not love me, until recently. Like last night I did something unbelieveable. I was so angry with myself after. I found some pictures of myself from when I was pregnant with our youngest daughter. I was wearing a sports bra and bottoms.......I was nine months and ready to deliver.. so BIG  I didn't gain much weight while I was pregnant--only 25 pounds. So I was not overweight....but THIS is what I felt looking at the picture.......you look stupid, you have a dumb look on your face, your hair looks bad that length.....all of this superficial stuff and NOTHING about the fact that my body looked truly beautiful carrying our child. I cut it up and threw it away...............I cut several of them up and threw them away, thinking I looked like white trash and all of this horrible bad stuff. I caught myself........and then realized that was when my husband was addicted to porn......I had forgotten that that was when it was the worst. It was so weird how all of that came back and how bad it made me feel all over again about how I looked when there was NOTHING wrong with me. I realize I do this a lot. Maybe this is a flash back?  Thankfully I caught myself before I cut all of them up. I made myself look at my own face....my 30 year old body and really try to feel love for what I saw...........and it was HARD! My mom was always criticizing my body etc.....I remember she told me that I had a big butt when I was pregnant that time and how funny it was to see me with a big butt?? Looking at that pic I certainly did not. It was amazing all that it stirred up and the feelings were because of what others said......I took them in all of them and let them define me. I have done this all of my life. So I feel for me LOVING MYSELF is the best thing I can work on. I am really cruel to me. I have tried the inner child stuff and it just leaves me kind of "hollow"? Maybe I am not ready for it. I don't remember blocks of time when I was young. How did you all do it? Where did you start? And where has self love come into it for you? Thanks.

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh dear. I'm sad that your mother was so unsupportive. What a strange thing to say to a pregnant daughter.    Just bizarre. Of all the things to focus on during a child's pregnancy...! It sounds like you were bombarded from all sides with messages that were insulting to your body. That makes it a real achievement that you now became aware of that, and that you're working to de-brainwash yourself.    

How I started... do you mean this, whether or not we have a system in place, or what's the best place to start? CPTSD recovery seems to me to be a MASSIVE field, and it affects so many areas of our lives. So it can look a wee bit daunting. What I ended up doing is research a lot, because I live in my head too much. And then I try to fix what seems most pressing, or I try out methods that seem interesting and/or doable. So I'm doing a little of this, then a little of another thing, then I discover yet MORE things I could try... it's like building a brick wall: you raise it slowly from all sides, here a brick, there a brick... so even if you don't get a high pile of achievement in any one area, you'll still get a good, solid wall slowly but surely. Or so I hope.

[Jdog]

Fairyslipper-

I second what cat said about using a bit of this and a bit of that as you heal.  I was discussing the topic of triggers with a woman who does bodywork for me, and we talked about how the triggers never really disappear but one's toolbox gets larger and more varied over time.  Over time, you will get to a point of noticing self-aversion and negative thoughts before they become larger enough to overwhelm you and you will remember what works to soothe you.  It may be a walk, a warm bath, reading, listening to certain music, talking with a girlfriend who "gets" you, etc.  it takes daily practice, and it sounds like you have the commitment to move in the right direction.

For me, my Cptsd and codependence came front and center when my Mom died 3 years ago.  It has been a steady climb - not always in a straight line from point to point, but more like a circuitous path up a mountain- and really tough some days.  But when you can look and see the beautiful view from a new and better vantage point, you will know that all of the baby steps have Ben worthwhile.

Thanks for reaching out for help - like Blanche Dubois in "Streetcar", we rely upon the kindness of strangers here!  Take good care of yourself and keep healing.

[fairyslipper]

Thank you  I am really glad I caught myself and stopped before all the pics were gone. Wow, that is a good thought and it honestly never crossed my mind. Thank you. Perhaps I was attacking something all together different. Great insight. The funny thing is I grew up tall and thin. I think my mom who was the exact opposite was very jealous and she is an n/bpd so lots going on there with her. And the porn stuff was at its worst with my husband then. Thankfully he got help and went on meds and that was never an issue again. My physicality was attacked honestly almost daily by mom, until I was almost 50!! She and my brother would go off on me all the time. I was tall and started slouching bad in my late teens because of all the stuff she said and then she would get on me for slouching. One thing that did help....I got into sports and became proud of what I could do.......started carrying myself differently and things for me improved on some level which was nice. I was getting positive feedback from my coaches which did help  But I realized I had a very skewed body image for most of my life because of her.....As far as the loving and cherishing. There has definitely been a shortage of that. I have always felt my daughters felt that for me. My husband it comes and goes. He is an N also but with medication is not nearly as bad as he used to be. But other than that nothing. I seem to have gone from one unhealthy friendship to the next and that is why I am incrdibly determined to work on this. I do NOT want anymore of those people in my life. Thank you so much for the encouragement and validation. It sounds like in all of our sitations we have found unique paths based on our circumstances. I wonder if someday I will be ready for the inner child work. I tried it but really got nowhere with it. The loving of self seems to be the thing that is going to be my catalyst for healing. I really appreciate you all sharing what helped and  how you started the process. I just got another book today and am so excited to read it. It got excellent reviews. It is becoming more and more apparent to me how growing up in my family and then dealing with them almost daily until 3 years ago is what planted the seeds for the cptsd and then you add a difficult marriage and very unhealthy friends and there you go. Something clicked this year and I decided I want this next year to be VERY different. I don't want to be sitting here a year from now with the exact same issues. Thank you so much for your input and help 

[Jdog]

Fairyslipper-

I love the fact that you are so positive about your growth and recovery, both what is happening now and what will take place in the future.  That is exactly what will see you through some of the more challenging aspects of the process.  My t told me over and over to remember that we are always doing the best we are capable of in all situations, and it took me such a long time to believe that this even MIGHT be true.  I thought she was just doing "therapist talk" -or like that nonsense "don't worry, be happy" stuff.  But guess what?  As soon as I entertained the thought more seriously, it helped me to forgive myself for not being perfect enough and helps me move on and get more into the present moment.  So I guess it doesn't actually have to be completely true so long as it helps....

You are deserving of all the good you can manifest for yourself in this life.  You have what it takes to discover that goodness and to begin seeing yourself through that lens more and more often.  The daily commitment to do so is the most important tool you will likely have to discover how amazing you really are!  As a runner, you know about getting through the struggle and finally finding your "sweet spot" when the breathing becomes easier and you know that this is where you belong. Lace up those shoes and watch the magic unfold!

[fairyslipper]

Thank you so much Jdog!!! Something really  just clicked for me over the last month.. ....like I am done with all of this....repeating the same unhealthy patterns over and over........just staying stuck in a lot of ways. I really appreciate all that  you said in your post. Loving the running analogy too......I get exactly what you are saying ......and watching and waiting for that magic. Thank you!!!

[Jdog]

Glad to help, and I should be the one thanking YOU since writing those words also helped me remember to just keep moving along through challenges I am having this week.