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I found myself in the undertow of an emotional flashback the other day. Although I am not completely  through Peter Walker's book, I have read about the EF's. I have had these for forever and never knew what the heck they were. Well this time when it happened, I recognized it. Recognized the over reaction to what had happened and was able to put it into perspective. What a sense of power. Where before it would have completely pulled me under, this time it did not. I was able to work through it in much less time and get on with it. Like they say when we can name it we can tame it. YES!  Baby steps! 

Something that has become more and more obvious to me is how when we are having conversation, some of my family members literally cut me off 3 words into a sentence when I am trying to talk to them. My husband is especially bad about it. We are both super stressed lately because of some things that are going on that are out of our control so we have been chatting quite a bit. I find when I start sharing my ideas or opinions I barely get a few words out and he assumes he knows what I am going to say..........attempts to finish the sentence for me and is off and running on many times, things that have no bearing on the subject at hand. I don't want to be mean about it, but it is driving me nuts. I try to talk to him about it and sometimes he is ok and then other times like today he gets angry and says I interrupt him. I have started to recently only to get the conversation back to the original subject. Because we are talking a lot about figures and finances his interrupting me can cause me to completely lose my train of thought. I think it is so rude, and am thinking from now on I will just completely stop talking when he does it and get up and leave the room. I have been talked over so much in my life and made to feel invisible so this is just a tricky subject for me. Sometimes, not often, I can see him making the effort to TRY to let me finish saying what I need to......... Lately I have noticed him interrupting others really frequently also. I am just looking for a kind but assertive way to change me.........so he doesn't think it is ok to keep on doing it. Thank you. 

I didn't know where else to share this.......I have had the weirdest and scariest facebook confrontation tonight. I shared a little while back about a woman I was friends with for several years that was really starting to annoy me with how she always talked over me, showed no interest or empathy in anything I shared with her about some of the things our family has been dealing with this past year. For years I had listened to her, helped her and been a true friend I thought and now when I couldn't do it anymore she literally turned on me. I am still shaking after reading her posts today. I started to drift away from her and not engage anymore in her drama filled posts. I was friendly and kept it more surface-y. Her stuff was very negative and dragging me down and I have a full plate at the moment myself.

Well, she wrote me a while back and told me how unhappy she was with the way I was treating her. She basically said I was never there for her and how hurt she was that I was no longer helping her with her problems. She became pretty cutting and critical and said she basically felt like just leaving me alone. So I figured after that verbal barrage I would block her and unfriend her and that would be the end of it. Well she messaged me with one of her  fake names a week ago and said she was extending an olive branch trying to rekindle our friendship and how it hurt her that I HAD DISPOSED of her  I stupidly wrote her back last night, explaining that she had said she no longer wanted to have anything to do with me and that I was really confused by her message saying I had rejected her. Well then today/tonight she writes back...... all together 10 scathing letters........going on and on about how I disposed of her and how she IS NOT DISPOSABLE......all caps and then on some nonsensical rant about her mom hanging up on her and her ex husbands etc and how my blocking her made her feel the same way.....VERY hurt!!!!?? I was shocked reading it but then it really scared me. She started saying all of these things about me that made no sense and weren't even true. I didn't answer that one not knowing what to even say and just deleted them. It was seriously crazy. Then since I didn't answer them, I got another one a few hours later......it was like on and off all day she had been sending these crazy messages to me..... I saved the last one and I copied it to paste here. After reading the last message she sent I messaged her and told her to leave me alone, that I meant it and nothing she was saying was making any sense to me. Here is her last message:

------I really am tired of defending myself.  I do not know what part of You hurt me this time that you do not understand.  I am DONE.  I really am done.  I don't care what you do now.  I did not get any apology from you only excuses.....and repeats of things I do wrong.  Take all of your positive energy and stick it where the done don't shine.  You have had 24 hours to reply to me.  You have had the chance to re friend me, but I will tell you now.  You do not deserve a friend like me.  One thing I do like about myself is I am a loyal friend.....but I have reached my limit.  Goodbye.  Have a nice life.------

I don't know it just really upset me. I have never had anyone do anything like this before. And she is someone I met online and have talked to on the phone a lot over the years. She knows personal stuff about me and now I feel scared like she is stalking me in a way, sending these letters over and over saying how she is "DONE" when apparently she isn't and using a fake fb to get to me when I had her blocked. I tried to block her again but fb won't let because I unblocked her to respond to her other  message and have to wait 2 days before I can do it again. I feel so stupid for letting someone like her into my life. I felt like there were some red flags at the beginning of the friendship, but unfortunately I ignored them.

I have dealt with the narcissistic rage from my mother but never someone outside of my family and this is exactly what it feels like. She is ticked because I am no longer there to listen to her endless drama..........but why not just leave me alone? Sorry to go on, it just really scared me. I am going to deactivate my account until Tuesday that way she won't be able to send anything else to me and enough time will have passed for me to be able to block her again. This whole thing is just crazy and scaring me to even let anyone else in my life. You just never know what you are dealing with. Thanks for listening. 

I have realized that up until the age of probably 13 there are no memory problems for me at all. Lots of crystal clear and fond memories.

After that there are huge chunks missing,and the memories I do have are not as happy as the younger ones. I suffered from severe anxiety from around 13 until early 20's. Insanely painful shyness.........but I did manage to function ok enough outwardly and put myself out there enough to go to college and work. Looking back this amazes me. But I had no choice.  I was  so wound up with anxiety, constantly --  and can even remember exactly how that felt if I let myself. I shook all the time. My feeling is that I was just surviving during those years.Very pre-occupied with all of my shortcomings and how so much of my life made so little sense at home...the rules, my dad's anger, my mom's and brother's behavior and the repercussions of some of that.....I feel like I was just a scared child honestly, especially emotionally, just doing my best to get through. For example I wonder how much more I could have actually learned at school if I hadn't been so afraid. My body was constantly under scrutiny and being horribly criticized at home, to the point I felt so self conscious I would slouch and then my mom would always get on me about slouching. I had beautiful long hair and she made me go and get it chopped off super short, which I hated. My own grand father would tell me I looked like a boy. I was always told how stupid I was by my brother and father especially. So I felt incredibly dumb. Our extended family reinforced all of this too.  I just wanted to disappear. I am guessing this has a lot to do with WHY I can't remember much else. The memories  seem to get clearer again once I got older and was away from home more........started forging my own relationships etc.

Can anyone else relate to this? And is there anyway to get those lost memories back? Thanks 

I have a real sensitivity to people who when you share something you are going through good or bad, seem to try to derail the conversation and make it all about them. Example: (Me)We have been having some major flooding in town and I feel bad for the people who are losing their homes again so soon after the last flood. (Them) I know how you feel - it has rained here a couple times this week and it is really humid.........
(Me) We just got back from looking at a house for sale that we are super interested in. It is a really cute Victorian painted yellow and white. (Them) That reminds me of when I was little I used to spend the night at my aunt's house. I think it was yellow too. I slept in the upstairs bedroom with my cousin Kelly or was it Susan I can't remember but yes yellow houses are one of my favorite. My aunt lived in the country and her house was so much fun............. 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........this stuff makes my blood boil. I have been sick for a couple weeks now and am just now starting to feel better and these types are all about the time THEY got sick 5 years ago. It is like a competition and I don't even want to answer them. I am just getting my energy back. They have asked how I am doing and then use it as a launch to be about everything they have ever had. In the past I would find myself not feeling good and trying to validate THEM. I have been doing so much healing work I am DONE with that.  I know part of it is that my N mom used to constantly do this. Anything I had she had better or worse depending on the situation. And so many conversations got turned around to be about her. I hated it. This one friend of mine does it so much I have been seriously distancing myself from her and have been feeling much better having WAY less contact.  She talks over me and so often doesn't even respond to things I say about me or my family in messages anymore. I have almost completely quit responding to her.  I feel like just being done with all of them. I love to listen and I do care about others sincerely...but boy if/when my turn comes to talk and this happens repeatedly it makes me so upset. Would love to hear your thoughts on this. I think a lot if might also be the healing work I have been doing and I am finally really seeing them for their true colors.......still not there 100% tho and just looking for some feedback.  Thank you 

I got a special notebook to work on and document my healing.  I have been watching youtube videos and reading a lot.......taking notes on everything. It might sound silly but I am treating it like going to school for self-esteem--and inner peace. I have really committed to LOVING myself. That seems to be my biggest hurdle. I never realized just how much I really did not love me, until recently. Like last night I did something unbelieveable. I was so angry with myself after. I found some pictures of myself from when I was pregnant with our youngest daughter. I was wearing a sports bra and bottoms.......I was nine months and ready to deliver.. so BIG  I didn't gain much weight while I was pregnant--only 25 pounds. So I was not overweight....but THIS is what I felt looking at the picture.......you look stupid, you have a dumb look on your face, your hair looks bad that length.....all of this superficial stuff and NOTHING about the fact that my body looked truly beautiful carrying our child. I cut it up and threw it away...............I cut several of them up and threw them away, thinking I looked like white trash and all of this horrible bad stuff. I caught myself........and then realized that was when my husband was addicted to porn......I had forgotten that that was when it was the worst. It was so weird how all of that came back and how bad it made me feel all over again about how I looked when there was NOTHING wrong with me. I realize I do this a lot. Maybe this is a flash back?  Thankfully I caught myself before I cut all of them up. I made myself look at my own face....my 30 year old body and really try to feel love for what I saw...........and it was HARD! My mom was always criticizing my body etc.....I remember she told me that I had a big butt when I was pregnant that time and how funny it was to see me with a big butt?? Looking at that pic I certainly did not. It was amazing all that it stirred up and the feelings were because of what others said......I took them in all of them and let them define me. I have done this all of my life. So I feel for me LOVING MYSELF is the best thing I can work on. I am really cruel to me. I have tried the inner child stuff and it just leaves me kind of "hollow"? Maybe I am not ready for it. I don't remember blocks of time when I was young. How did you all do it? Where did you start? And where has self love come into it for you? Thanks.

I decided to try kindle unlimited for a month free on amazon. Well you get access to some really good books and one of them I read and am re-reading now is called Love Yourself Like Your Life Depended on it. It is such a simple idea but the way it is presented hit me so differently and I have been putting it into practice for close to a week now and just beginning to see a slight shift and it is amazing. For once I am just getting a taste of what it really feels like to love ME. It is all so new. And I never realized how much I hadn't been loving myself. I just wanted to share because it has helped so much already and I am seeing a beginning to an end of all the damage that has been done over the years. 

I have noticed something that happens in my life over and over again and am not sure what to do about it. I was diagnosed with breast cancer almost 9 years ago now. 4-11 is my anniversary date ( I always do something fun to celebrate  ) It is a big deal to me still because a few months after I was dx'd my mom was. And then my first anniversary they thought it came back. Anyone who has been through this knows how crazy and surreal of an experience a cancer dx is. And it is a pretty life defining moment. I have taken the positive road in coping and used it as a kick in the pants to make a lot of very good life changes. The one thing that continues to haunt me and this is my question to others is.......how to handle people that when you mention it ( I have a lot of shame around this, like I should never tell anyone) to them, because somehow the subject has come up in conversation usually on their end.....and you open up about it a tiny and I do mean a tiny bit..........crickets, or a complete conversation change.........no acknowledging whatsoever of what you have just said. It just reinforces for me that I need to be quiet, I make people uncomfortable etc. I feel really good about living this long after a diagnosis. Very proud of the life changes I have made and everything. What kind of bugs me is in October these same people are all about the pink and the cure and blah blah, but in everyday life, they sure don't want to hear about it. It sometimes makes me feel bad that I still think about it. But it is a part of me, just like getting married and having kids, a very BIG deal. This time of year with the change of seasons, smells in the air, brings it all back. Not in a scary way anymore but in a grateful, I am still here way. How do you deal with people that make you feel uncomfortable for even bringing it up? I am not looking for sympathy or pity. It is usually in response to something they have said, so is relevant to the conversation. I find myself getting angry afterward, and then feeling stupid for once again opening up about something I shouldn't have. Do you think after so much time, I shouldn't be thinking of it? I don't know.....like I said I feel very grateful to be here and enjoy things that when it happened I wasn't sure I would. I hope this makes some sense. Thanks 

I have been talking to my husband about how I must have some weird vibe or something I give off, that the predatory types detect and move in on. I was having a hard time explaining it tho in a way  he would understand. Several days after our last conversation about that, I was outside playing with our puppy and noticing how there is a patch of aspens growing a little distance away from us. I have noticed them before, but this time I realized THEY are a perfect example of what I was trying to explain. They are all growing there and all very healthy looking, large trees. BUT there are some that are in the more shady, valley areas and they have a distinct bend to them, from years of trying to reach toward the sun. Something that comes so effortlessly to the others. So you have this huge grove of aspens, with most of them standing tall and straight but about a quarter of them are very obviously slanted to anyone that is looking on. I am thinking that is how people like me and others that are people pleasers and suffering from cptsd might look to somebody looking on. Yes we are all growing toward the sun, but some of us are bent over, from having to work a little harder to get there..........and to the wrong person, that "handicap" is what they notice and move in on. Like the trees, we can't see it in ourselves, but to someone else it is plain as day how different they are. I don't know if this makes any sense lol.......but it was a pretty powerful visual for me. 

I was wondering if this rang true with you also. Do you find yourself when with others, especially pd'd family members, downplaying your gifts....dumbing down your conversations......acting like you don't know things, when you really do for fear of being seen as full of yourself or bragging......meanwhile they drone on and on about all of their superficial accomplishments  For some reason, lately I have really been noticing how much I do this. Like I want to hide or protect certain aspects of myself. I know it was a conditioned response. My dad made it clear I was not college material.........when I would say things about wanting to be a doctor...pediatrician at the time my mom would chime in with how depressing that would be for a job day in and day out.....my art work was always criticized by my mom and so many other things......so there was this battle going on inside.........when people would accidentally find out I did certain things and compliment me, immediately I would hear her or their snide comments........it was like there was the out of the house truth and the family truth. I don't know if this is making any sense........but it was so crazy making. So this year, I want to really work on being me whatever that means........really work on unearthing the real person inside. WHY should I hide things I am good at? That serves nobody. Just curious how many of you could sort of relate to this. Thanks!

He has been getting more and more into cptsd lately too..... a little language, but so worth it to overlook for amazing content in so many of these videos. He really gets it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLrHZvHFg3k

This is why I appreciate this group so much  And why I just can't get over how insensitive people can be. Tonight, I shared with a friend I have had for several years about my daughter's miscarriage over the weekend. She said, sorry, that is sad, poor girl and then went right into a rant about her neighbor... and that was that...this is someone I have known for a long time.............and I do like and care about her. She does realize at times she does this and says she is sorry sometimes, but I don't know....she continues to do it....tonight it made me furious  .......like seriously!!! We were chatting on facebook, and I just didn't even answer. I couldn't.  Then she came back with my 'sad feelings are understandable and what I am feeling is grief.'  These types of responses with friends are why I have such a hard time talking about anything that happens to me with anybody.........it makes me feel like I am making a big deal out of nothing.......which in this case I know I am not......I want to say something to her about this. I do care about her......but need to set a HUGE boundary. I would love any tips on how to do this. She wanted to talk tonight on the phone and I didn't and told her why I wasn't feeling in a very talkative mood......Gosh, I would love to have a friend that if I told something like this, would react like everybody here does......normal! I thank you guys so much for how caring and compassionate you are. I am still shaking I am so upset about her reaction. I am sorry..........just needed to vent. 

It is weird, but part of me felt like starting this post with an apology........like I am sorry to bring anybody down, but this is what I am going through. STILL a sense of shame for bad things that happen to our family, because of careLESS reactions from others for many years.  BUT then I remembered what a warm, generous group of people are here and I felt safer.........I thank you so much for that.  I so need to just share my feelings. Just get them out I guess. There really isn't anything that can be said to make it better......it is just such a sad thing to have happen to anybody. And even more so when it is one of your own kids.
My daughter and son in law knew she was pregnant and were waiting for the right time to share it with us. They were super excited and had planned to tell us in a very special way......Sadly we woke up Saturday to a very, very sad sweetheart crying on the phone and asking how you can tell if you are having a miscarriage?  Our hearts broke for her. It is still so hard to believe this has even happened. It was their first pregnancy. They live very far away so being there for them physically was not possible, but we did as much as we could over the phone and have been in contact every day since. She is doing well physically, thankfully but as you can imagine is being triggered by so much........and feeling like sleeping a lot and having periods of doing well and not so well emotionally. I want to be there for her as much as I can even from a distance.  The whole thing is so sad, and just makes you feel sick and like you wish as a parent you could make it all better for them.
Again this is where the Cptsd comes in. My daughter and I were both diagnosed with ptsd.....the realization of cptsd came a little later. (I seriously believe all four of us have it to a certain degree) We have had, we feel an insane amount of medical crap happen to us. And serious stuff too. This has been going on for years with sometimes very little break in between........so needless to say in a sense we kind of anticipate things happening now. Just in the past 3 weeks we have had several things happen.......and you just feel so helpless.....because in general they are things you NEVER would have imagined. Cancer, life threatening allergic reactions to medications, husband passing out because of a prescription he was put on that made his blood pressure go too high and even things with our pets.....seizures etc. It is almost like we can never just relax and enjoy life as much as we used to because it seems like every week and a half or so there is something pretty heavy to deal with.
It also bothers me that as much as we have been there for others and we REALLY have........when things happen to us, there is nobody to turn to, except each other.....our small family. I think we all feel shame and embarrassed by all that has happened. I feel it is the uncaring reactions we have gotten from others, extended family included that have made us feel this way.  And the other thing is when things like this continually happen to your family......how in the world do you get past this cptsd........it seems like we are cursed sometimes honestly. 
My daughter has a doctor's appt tomorrow and for the most part seems to be handling this really well.......being honest with herself about her feelings when she needs to but also looking toward the future to trying again. Journaling and talking about it too. Thanks for letting me share.........it just feels nice to be able to sort of talk about it. 

This is embarrassing.......but I am hoping someone can maybe help me with it. Because so much of my trauma surrounds a lot of abuse due to an npd/bpd mom, and npd brother........as soon as I pick up on people having traits to the extent my parents do.....it drives me crazy  ... for example on facebook I see so much of that behavior. There are people, quite a few actually on my friend list.......hmmmm.........that seem to always be complaining or doing something to get some attention, and they get so many responses from people.....like they are their little minions......or people that have to post a lot about their latest accomplishments.........and then sit back and bask in the glory and admiration.... I am starting to feel like maybe facebook is a nasty trigger for me....which is unfortunate because I need it for my business.  I don't bow down to these people at all, but can spend days obsessing about how they are....how they act....what motivates them etc.....which is really stupid and a flaw of mine........can anybody relate? I am sure it is because of things from my past, but I would love any insight anyone might have.... if you have struggled with it and what you did to help heal yourself from it. It is an unhealthy distraction and waste of time. I don't like how easy people I honestly don't even know....can get under my skin....Thanks!

Hi, I just joined this evening. I realized I had CPSTD almost a year ago. I had 2 different therapists diagnose me with PTSD, but as I just seemed to keep happening on information on CPSTD, I realized that explained much more thoroughly what my experience was. I grew up with a bpd/narc mom, a narc brother and a spineless father....... and I am the family scapegoat. There is so much to tell it would be hard to put it all here. That type of upbringing made ME dissolve. I became a huge co-dependent, and people pleaser. About 8 years ago I discovered npd and bpd and the pieces started to all fit together. I felt both relieved and furious at the same time. For a while I started to feel better. But the trauma in my life continued. N mom and stupid father ramped up their attempts to control. It all came to a head when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And then my mom was several months after me. Long story short, because I could no longer be there the way I had been because of health issues, they got mad, so terribly heartless and mean and moved halfway across the country to live with my brother, without so much as a good bye. They have been attempting to re-establish some sort of contact again..........but I am so not feeling it. For the most part I can just be whatever with her/them and not take any new stuff they do too heart. BUT I have the hideous shame, and realized I do think bad of myself a lot...I know it all goes back to how I was treated for nearly 50 years by them......my mom always made fun of my body, especially my chest, my brother did too..........they both continued to after my breast cancer........WHO does that.. ...I can relate to so much of what is discussed here. The reason I feel hopeless is because I seem to only attract Narcissistic and Borderline "friends" into my life. I am tired of spending so much mental energy on trying to figure out why people act the way they do towards me........and feeling like it is something I DO WRONG...I just recently had to break it off with a friend that I truly feel was borderline because of how she was messing with me and playing games. I feel like that is a win, because years ago, I wouldn't have had the guts. I feel like I give off some kind of vibe that is NOT serving me well at all.........that I will always feel on the outside and never have a true, real friend. Instead of feeling proud of what I have overcome, cancer included....I feel ashamed. That last friend even said maybe if I hadn't had so many problems in my personal life, our friendship could have had a chance..........again who does that?  She was also a cancer survivor..supposedly...now I really wonder if she was just pretending to be to get closer.....trauma bonding.....I am in my mid-fifties now and although I have come a long way.......this area of feeling loveable and worthy of a friendship is a huge, hard battle for me. I feel so much shame and so undeserving. Thank you for letting me post. I am so happy to have found this group!.