delayed realizations - any opinions?

[sanmagic7]

thanks, mftb.  it is facing it down, isn't it!  never thought of it that way.  there are still things i want to do in my life, and i know i'll be kept from them because of this gunk i've pushed down.  so, i just gotta do what it takes to free myself from these chains. everyone's support helps give me the strength to do what needs to be done.

[sanmagic7]

no one should have to go thru what i went thru last nite.  i'm so happy for everyone who is catching this earlier in their lives, who haven't been storing this crapola for this many years.  i'm pretty numb today, more later.  it was bad, very bad.

[Sandstone]

Sending      Sanmagic

[sanmagic7]

i am afraid that in the breakdown i had the other night, that my little me died.  it was an explosion of neg. thoughts, feelings, emotions, manipulations, deceits, lies against me, abuses, meanness, nastiness, hatred toward me, - much more than i have the strength to describe right now.  i know something died within me, not sure what, but i can't find her anywhere right now, have no sense of her.  i had a generic funeral today for whatever is now gone.  i am afraid of what this means, what to do about it, how to continue, and i had to write it down to get it out of me, this fear that is balling up in my chest, building up in pressure.  i'm so scared. i want to stop at the same time i know i won't. 

know that everything about you is valid, so you won't be faced with this prospect later in your life. 

[Sandstone]

Aw sanmagic im so sorry you're feeling this way right now.  What you describe sounds awful and ihate that youre going through this and i wish i could help you to find and soothe little you.  I have no advice but im here to send you lots of       

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sandstone.  so appreciated, you'll never know how much.  i'm afraid my little me got blown up in the massive explosion that took place.  i can't find her anywhere right now.  still.  more later.

[meursault]

Has she come out yet?  I would offer a pony, but I don't think I could mail it to you!

Meursault

[Wife#2]

Speachless. Praying for Sanmagic's little-me.

[sanmagic7]

slowly, very slowly . . .

i finally got my legs back today, can walk regularly without being wobbly, altho they're weak and the stress has kicked in my sciatica, so i'm in pain.   i began working on being able to feel positive emotions today, and suddenly even writing this feels like too much.  more rest, i guess.

[Three Roses]

 

[movementforthebetter]

Big hugs! Taking it slow is the right thing to do. Glad you are keeping at it, that's impressive.

[Kizzie]

   and do take it slow.  We're not going anywhere 

[Wife#2]

  Keep being kind to yourself. You've come a long way and that took a lot of work. A LOT of work. 

Though it may mean limited time with us, it will only make folks like me appreciate you all the more when you are able to return to us. On your time table as you are ready. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you everyone.  so much. 

sciatica from the stress of this is a bum-bum.  terrible pain.

but, as i've continued to work on getting my feelings back, i've discovered a sense of lightness inside.  a therapist friend suggested that since i'm recovering my voice of truth, i write letters to my abusers.  i've started on those, and it feels good to get the crapola outta me, feels good to say exactly what i think about each one.  don't know yet whether i'll send them, burn them or what, but right now just getting my voice out is helping.  he said he was looking at it as a gestaultist, and i could either email them or do a ritual burning. 

finally someone told me i could actually say what i wanted to say to the other person instead of telling me to 'let go and let god' or 'give it to the universe' or 'what good will it do to connect again?' (they're all nc), or 'it won't help to bring this up again' or any of the myriad other platitudes that told me to leave it alone and deal with it on my own, don't involve the other person.  it was like the 'permission' allows me to have the choice and just do what's best for me.  this last part i haven't thought about yet, but i will
once i finish the letters.  then i'll see where i want to go with them.  another armament in the battle.  another angle from which to attack this horrific beast.

my little me has been able to stick her head out from around a corner as i write (altho, back when meursault wrote about the pony, i did hear a tiny girlish giggle).  this is the first time in these 2 weeks i've been aware of her.   i discovered yesterday that my emotions have been blocked behind a black veil inside me.  as i did my thing and just let the thoughts flow, the veil began lightening, and my insides weren't in the dark, so to speak, and a little brown and white bird flew into my heart and nestled there.  still there.  we'll see what happens to it on this next round.

i appreciate everyone's comments so much.  i'm working on being able to feel the caring behind them.   i'm still at the point where i'm in that superior/perfect state that i was raised to be.  i expect these kinds of things from people (i know it sounds narcissistic as all get out!).  it's why i'm not able to relate very well to the concept of an inner critic.  don't have one that i can identify.  when i married hub #2, i already believed i was perfect, and he believed i was as well.  even if i made a mistake, or had a run in my nylon, i believed that it was ok because to be perfectly perfect was boring, and i hated the thought of being boring.  instead, i was perfectly flawed, or flawed perfectly.  either one still left me feeling perfect.  no criticism.  whew!  never admitted this before, never made it concrete before.  sweeping out the cobwebs in the shadows of the dark side of me.  but, feeling courageous, which is new, cuz it's really scary to write that out.  so, i'm feeling fear now as well.  progress.

as i write this, it's amazing to me how the mind can do and think and believe what is necessary to stay sane/alive.  i've never had the feeling of being small when i look up at the stars or out at the ocean.  have had rare occasions of true humility, but they went against that grain of being perfect/superior, so they made me very sad, like i'd done something wrong.  this whole feeling thing is completely topsy turvy for me.  i know things about this stuff logically, but it is a foreign language when i attempt to translate it to become a part of me.   

enough. 

[sanmagic7]

it's late now.  the pain is keeping me awake.

i thought more about the superiority thing.  i do feel out on a limb by myself with this one.  i've read so much here about people feeling shame, self-disgust, no self-worth - all those negatives about self, and i just haven't felt them.  i've also read about people being perfectionists, trying to have everything about them be perfect, and i can't relate to that either.  it's like i was programmed to be perfect, so that's what i did, why i accomplished everything i have, and it's why, when i find out that i'm farther behind than i thought i am devastated.  i've read that others looked at that one test that a link was posted for here, and they thought things like 'well, at least i know that i'm going in the right direction' or 'now i know i still have work to do.'  when i took that test and saw how far off i was, much farther down that i'd expected i'd be, i thought 'omg, i can't believe i'm not farther along.'   i thought i was much more ahead of the game than those results said, and that shot me down a deep dark hole.  that's when i felt like i had failed rather than seeing it as an opportunity, a direction, or a guideline.  it was an absolute insistence to me that i was all wrong, when i had believed i was all right.

i know i'm not perfect, but i'm still expecting myself to be.  i was trained well.  attempting to undo this training is, as my friend told me, a re-wiring of my brain.  and, he also told me it is much more difficult to re-wire than to do the original wiring.  i just wonder if i'll have enough time.

so, i continue to struggle with this, getting myself down off this doggone pedestal.  i was trained to be better than others - that's the other thought i realized today.  a 'c' on my report card was not allowed.  'average' was not allowed for me.  i had to be better than all the average kids, had to.  and the thinking, the knowing that i was better came along with that.  it's a horrid burden i've been carrying, but even harder to get rid of.  i don't want to believe this, to think like this.  it's not just that i get a's and b's on my report card anymore, but it's looking down on those who don't.  what kind of attitude is that?  it's awful, is what it is.  i hate it.

and, all the work i'm doing is aimed at getting rid of that.  it's ok to acknowledge what i'm good at, and i am good at some things, better and worse at others.  but i'm constantly reminding myself, i have to continually be mindful that i, as a person, am not better (or worse) than anyone else.  i only deserve and don't deserve what everyone else does, no more or less.  that is the balance i'm struggling to find and maintain, and the stress of that is causing me both emotional and physical pain.  but, if i don't keep working at it, i'll never find that balance.  still, as long as i keep working at it, i'm stressing myself out constantly.  i'm in a loop of pain and i don't know how to get out.  and i can't relate to anyone else and what they're going thru, and it doesn't seem like anyone can relate to this. 

even tho i know you are all out there, caring about me and pulling for me, wanting me to find peace and rest and balance, i feel completely alone in this.  maybe i'm a narc and never knew it, but i want to change.  it's a desert where i am in this, nothing but shifting sand in every direction.  ugh!