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Yeah. Hugs to you.

 

It IS a sign you need to take a break though. Even if it means facing the inner demons. Can you at all treat this as if you have a very bad case of the flu and literally cannot do anything but lay around and watch TV? Perhaps if you do a major binge watch you can keep from touching into difficult things you don't want to face by having the distraction but at least you get a rest. I'd say 2 weeks. Pretend you just had surgery or something. Please. I pushed myself too long and ended up out of commission for 2.5 years. 

Ah I forgot the link!

https://drarielleschwartz.com/natural-vagus-nerve-stimulation-dr-arielle-schwartz/

Love these pieces you are writing! And so true and I feel that when I have been able to let go some of the inner tightness that was keeping everything together then it allows me to react to what is happening around me instead of being so overcontrolled that nothing seems to phase me. So it makes sense to me that startling or reacting is a sign of healing too.

Many of us have those exact same difficulties. They are from the brain and nervous system changes from trauma. I have no idea if adhd medicine helps mask the symptoms and improve functioning. Over time they improve a bit with therapy and healing the old wounds as it frees up your mental space. With you still dealing with your trauma day to day because it really isn't fully in the past in your case, it probably means you have to really focus on settling your nervous system as much as you can.

I recently got set up with neurofeedback and specifically a technique called the vagus nerve reset protocol. I don't know how easy it is to find someone but I'll ask my provider if there's a list of people. Neurofeedback can be expensive but this particular piece of it doesn't require complicated brain mapping and seems to only require 15 minutes a week so maybe it isn't too inaccessible. I've also seen that there are devices to do this approved by fda for ptsd. So that may be something to ask your medical provider about.

Anyway the thing that is being done to me during neurofeedback is that little electrodes are placed behind my ears and then wires are run down the front of my body on both sides that correspnd with where the vagus nerve runs through the body. I thought this was BS the first time it was done and just another gimmick to take money from people with trauma. So I definitely wasn't expecting it to work.

But without having to do anything it activates the vagus verve and send electrical impulses down the nerve so that it is at the same level of activation as it is in normal healthy people without complex trauma. It takes about 15 minutes. You sit there and it is like forced relaxation where no matter how anxious you are feeling, your body and mind and nervous system all relax and for me at least I started having these intense feelings of safety and protection and connection.

When I went home I was able to snuggle against my husband without feeling all triggered and scared and tense and reactive like i normally do and I started having all these dreams that would normally be nightmares but that instead were resolving in a way that left me feeling safe and protected instead of ending on the scary stuff with no resolution. That effect lasted 2 weeks till my next appointment.
Oh breathing calmly also started to happen naturally so I just felt more settled and calm because i could finally breathe.

After that I had my second appointment and the next day after treatment I sat in one spot pretty much all day focusing on a mental task from around 9am to 11pm. Normally I cannot focus. I jump up after 5 minutes of sitting down, forget what I was doing, do something else, come back and repeat without accomplishing anything. Around 5 pm I realized that I had been focused all day and how different that was for me so I asked about the connection to neurofeedback and learned that activating the vagus nerve helps you feel safe enough to calm down and focus. I did not know that would be a side effect but it was remarkable in how different it was. I didn't have to do anything different, it happened effortlessly.
 
There's been a lot of focus on the vagus nerve in cptsd recently but I had ignored it thinking it was just one more thing that wouldn't work. I don't know if the "natural" ways of stimulating the vagus nerve work but here's a little more information about the vagus nerve and cptsd and some natural ways to stimulate it.

I don't think it's going to solve the adhd-like symptoms completely but it seems like a promising thing to try. 

I totally agree with you San. I hate how this online financial stuff has been pushed and normalized so much that we all have no choice but to tolerate and expect the security risks.

It's really unsettling to see someone trying to get into your account and especially before bed!

I know the sleep has been a huge struggle and good sleep is so important to overall wellbeing. I like the mental shift you are trying to make to lessen the pressure around falling asleep. 

 

 

It doesn't seem small at all. Quite huge, to want to be alive after everything you've been through. Worth a celebration to me!   

I'm glad you are alright. That's scary, too.

   hugs for you and D. It IS a lot. It IS going to be a lot for both of you. I mean not that long ago you weren't even driving period. Now every day and to a stressful place no less

 

I'm SO GLAD to hear from you, and that things are going better with the new job.

 

Check in when you are able. I'll want to know you are OK.

 

I had a dying dream once and it was surprisingly disturbing for a very long time. For me it was more of an emotional residue though and not the physical that you are feeling. Go to urgent care or ER if something really feels off?

 

What Kizzie said.

He has big fuzzy fronds that I can rub like a security blanket and he's big and squishy

 

Welcome back.

You've been through a lot. I'm glad you are able to take time to rest away from work. I took 2.5 and only went back 16 hrs a week. The things done to us long term were very damaging and taxing. It is what it is. I'm also glad you inherited your mom's house and now have a financial cushion. Ironically. Me too. That's what allowed me to take time off as well.

 

Me too. Giant stuffed pineapple 🍍

Medication is probably the best if you can tolerate it and not be triggered around feeling drugged. 

I'm sorry for everything you went through. Not getting enough sleep makes healing a lot harder and longer.

A couple suggestions that won't heal it all, but worth trying when you have trouble falling asleep...can you try a yoga nidra video to listen to? Those tend to help me get sleepy and relaxed. It won't help you stay asleep but maybe it will help you fall asleep and give your mind something else to focus on.

The other thing I had to do for awhile...about 5 yrs...was force myself to stay up super late like 1 or 2 am because then I could fall asleep and stay asleep till morning time. That was better than falling asleep at 11 and then waking 1-5 then falling asleep finally only to have the alarm go off at 630.

Eventually...resting and de-stressing what I could, healing, processing, I got so I could sleep again. Now I sleep 6 or 7 hrs a night and it makes a big difference. I was doing a lot of reenactments at night too and once I caught on that I was doing that I was able to talk myself into not doing that anymore...telling myself I'm safe it's not happening anymore. Nothing is the one best trick but eventually it'll come together for you.