I've been getting scared lately and I am so happy about it!

[droopsnoot]

A couple days ago, I had a coworker come up to me sort of out of the blue to ask me if I've been doing okay. I said yes and asked why to which they said that they've noticed that I've been acting differently, that I've been getting startled a lot and that I act shocked or taken aback by some of the weird and outlandish jokes that she and other people make when I normally wouldn't be fazed at all. She explained that it's not like a crazy noticeable difference and she likely only sees it because we are around each other all the time.

I took some time to reflect on what she was saying and as I thought about it, realized that I have felt very at peace these past couple of weeks. I'm not as hypervigilant and anxious as I typically am. I am more prone to startling because I am not constantly checking who's around me and my brain isn't on permanent overdrive. It was like I lived for so long being completely overstimulated as a trauma response that most things couldn't possibly throw me off in the way my brain already was. Now that I am a bit more grounded and relaxed on a frequent basis, those external stimuli feel stronger and more meaningful. I never thought I would like getting scared but, now everytime it happens, it's a reminder that the work I'm putting in is making a difference.

Pretty cool in my opinion lol

[Kizzie]

Well good on you DroopSnoot, well done!      

I still startle a lot despite having done lots of work on fear and hypervigilance - just wired in now I guess. 

[Armee]

Love these pieces you are writing! And so true and I feel that when I have been able to let go some of the inner tightness that was keeping everything together then it allows me to react to what is happening around me instead of being so overcontrolled that nothing seems to phase me. So it makes sense to me that startling or reacting is a sign of healing too.