Sceal's Journal

[Sceal]

I haven't been this stuffed since I last over-ate as a punishment. But today it was out of celebration.

The company was great. It was me and a friend who shares the same love for crime, mystery and dark sense of humour. We also love going for hikes, although she is a lot more experienced than I am. I've known her for what seems like my entire life.

We ate a thai soup that is soooo goood, but soooooo filling. Neither could finish our bowl. Two pink, and mouth watering strawberry daquiris and some Poirot at the cinema. No cake! I had worried about the cake. I should have worried about the thai soup and money instead. But I should just allow myself this treat.
It's been a long, long year.

Tomorrow it's back to everyday life. It's worries, concerns, it's symptoms and all that brings with it.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like a wonderful celebration, sceal.  happy, happy day.   

[Sceal]

It was, San.
It was much better than I could hope for. Maybe it's a step closer to not hating or dreading my birthday. I hope so.

[DecimalRocket]

Glad you had a good friend to celebrate with, Sceal.

Sometimes there's something nice about the simple pleasures of good food to me. It has a coziness to it — just tasting something wonderful. Haha.

Well, happy birthday, Sceal.

[Sceal]

Thanks Rocket.  😊
I have been in a food slump recently where everything just tastes dry and boring. But last night it was good. Maybe the company? And the fact i wasnt the chef? Hehe

[Sceal]

Today's group session was about Radical Acceptance.
To accept that things has happened, and once accepting it it's supposed to help move forward or make changes to whatever situation in life that requires radical acceptance.

I'll admit that I struggle deeply with this. To accept what I went through, to me feels as if I tolerated it. To make it less damaging than what it has and is still doing to me.  I argued in group about this. I don't want to accept it. And I honestly don't understand how some things are supposed to be acceptable.
I don't like it. It makes me frustrated. I got my thorns all out. I'm no longer receptive.
There has to be another way.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, i think sometimes the terms 'acceptance' and 'resigned to' can get mixed up.  like, we think that if we accept something, it means that there's nothing to be done about it or that it somehow means it's ok and nothing to get worked up about. 

i just think that to accept something means that we are able to stop denying it, we can quit making up stories about it, or we can stop making excuses for it.  for me, to accept what has happened to me in my own life is to shine a light on reality and my truth.  when that happens, i am finally able to do what needs to be done for the situation.

i can't do that if i don't accept the reality of it.  i can't express my true emotions over what happened, i can't exorcise the pain that was caused me, and i can't grieve the losses i've experienced.  bottom line is that i can't cleanse the wound so that it can begin the healing process.

radical acceptance is a radical idea, one that we've so often been taught to deny, ignore, shove aside, excuse, or look away from.  it sounds like you've started a path that will take some time for you to profoundly understand to the depths of who you are and what has happened to you.   that's ok.  maybe you'll never accept, and that's ok, too.

this stuff is different for all of us.  i haven't latched onto every new idea that's been put in front of me.  sometimes i had to find my own way, one that fit better for me.  this may be the same for you, sceal.  your recovery, your pace, your space.  you can't do it wrong.  big hug filled with understanding and love.

[AphoticAtramentous]

As San said, I don't think 'accepting something' means you're downplaying what you've went through in any way. In fact, accepting it means you're even more aware of what's happened, and that you're ready to do whatever you can to heal. 'Accept' means a lot of things, and one of those meanings is to kind of take something, or as you said 'tolerate it', 'bear with it'. But of course, why would we ever want to willingly take and tolerate our abuse? Well the definition there is different, with trauma - accepting is more like "Understanding and believing what you went through".

[woodsgnome]

When I first heard the idea of acceptance as a means to deal with my past, I also was a bit taken aback at how unseemly it sounded. Kind of airy-fairy, akin to that dumb phrase: 'just get over it'. But I was still curious, and have changed how I feel about the term.

Acceptance, for me, is like finishing a strenuous trip, or completing some other difficult journey. One looks back, as if to say 'I survived that?' But one doesn't go back, no one would want that experience again. Still I know I was there. I hate knowing that, and sadly can't change it either.

For me, acceptance isn't denying the journey so far. And it for sure isn't approving of where I was forced to travel.  I still hurt, but now I'm free to also accept that I can work to heal the scars, because now I can also accept that the past doesn't control me anymore. I have grief, I'm still angry, I abhor what happened, and so much more. My Inner Critic would love to have me dwell there, mull over everything that happened, but the ICr is even more unreal than accepting that I've made it to a potentially friendlier place in my life's journey.

So in that sense I've come around to considering acceptance in a more practical than radical sense. I see it as just another step to a level beyond the old story. It's about healing, not tolerating abuse. The past will always be there, as in...'back there', but it's up to me to accept I'm no longer back there with it.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey Sceal, it's Rocket. 

Accepting is . . . How can I put it? It's being easier on yourself but not in a way where you become someone who gives up on life. It's where you flow, not force, your movement through life. You adapt rather than rummage through.

You continue when things aren't challenging for you to grow. You slow down when your body and emotions are begging for it. You take action when things can be changed. You wait when and take time to watch for any opportunities when you cannot.

People have talked about how acceptance is an acknowledgement of the past. But I'd like to emphasize how acceptance is for the future.

It's like growing a garden. You give plants sunlight, water and nutrients. You tend towards them slowly everyday. But shouting or hitting the plant at not growing would likely won't make it grow faster. All that's left is patience after doing what you can — and perhaps with time, these little seedlings will grow.

[Blueberry]

Accepting, for me: it really did happen; it really was that bad.
So I can stop questioning myself on whether that was the case, and instead spend time and energy on healing!

There's also: learning to accept myself the way I am. That's a toughie for me, I admit.

[Sceal]

Thank you all for your input.
It's alot similar to what they tried to explain to me in the group, both the other patients and the group leaders. But as I told my T yesterday, I still just can't do it.
I don't really want to.

After I've started DBT, and going to my trauma T, I've become alot more angry. Or maybe I'm just alot more able to be intouch with that emotion. Even if I haven't actually talked about what happened to me. Perhaps it is healthy to slowly start feeling the anger and perhaps that will lead me towards further progress.

I've been reading alot on this forum, on other online articles, attending the therapy with an active awareness... And I've come to the conclusion that I feel like I don't fit in. In society, amongst my friends, or here on the forum. I have great skills at concealing my struggles when I'm around the people that I care about and love. I've been practicing for the past 23 years. They say it takes 10 000 hours to become an expert at something, I'm sure I'm far and well past the 10 000 hours of avoidance, concealing, pretending. Which has lead me to ignore huge chunks of who I really am. I struggle with more than c-PTSD, I got a PD (No not BPD or NPD) and depression. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. There's no one really to talk about this. Yes, I got my T. But my T and I have so much ground to cover, and with such limited time. I can't bring it all up.
I need to find a way to accept that people wont accept me for this. It hurts. I'll admit that. I don't know how to find this way.
But I will take some time away to do so like I wrote in another post, I don't know if it'll be days or longer.

I want to thank everyone who's been commenting on my journal. Everyone who's been so supportive and friendly. Your words and love has meant the world to me these past weeks. I've learned alot from all of you on the forum. I really have! Thank you, thank you so much.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, the love will follow you, be with you, no matter where you go or how much time you need, even if forever.  that's cuz we accept you just like you are.  love and hugs to you, my dear.

[DecimalRocket]

I agree with San. This is going to take time and we're still going to accept you with your weaknesses. It might feel like we're pressuing you to deal with this advice in a rushed and perfect way but please don't take it that way.

You can fail, make mistakes and be in pain as much as you want here. And we'd still stick around. Even if we have to repeat this over and over and over.

You've worked so hard. You've done a good job.

[Hope66]

Just sending you love and hugs - I know you're away for a while from the forum, so take care.    
Hope