Not Alone: 2021

Started by Not Alone, December 31, 2020, 05:05:14 PM

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Hi Notalone,

I read your latest entry, and it's heartbreaking!  :'(  It sounds like this is very difficult for you, and you're not getting the support you would like from your H, and that you're feeling left alone... I'm sure that's a very important feeling for you, based on your screen name. A big :hug:, if it is helpful for you.

Of course it's important to respect your feelings, but you are not alone in life! You have other supports available, including all of us here.

I'm sure you know that avoidance is often the mind's way of trying to protect itself from hurt, so maybe your husband is doing that, and he could benefit from some healing of his own. I know it doesn't always have the best results, but I am a very big proponent of communication. Maybe you can share this with your husband, and try to help him understand what's going on, and that it is better for everyone in the end to resolve difficulties, instead of avoiding them. If you do, I hope it works out well, and he is able to hear you. If it doesn't work out so well, I hope you're strong enough not to let it hurt you any further!

I'm also sorry if this idea is unwelcome; I just see an opportunity for you to be able to help him improve. As you said, it is very sad when a person has no idea or awareness of how they are (re)acting, and why. I know that you do a lot of work on yourself, and have come a long way. This gives you quite a bit of experience you can share with others, and hopefully they can benefit from it as well.

I also understand that you feel guilty, that's perfectly understandable. For.... my entire life, I didn't realize the difference between gossiping, and sharing my thoughts and feelings in a positive way, when those thoughts and feelings came from actions I didn't like from another person. In short, I realized that gossiping is very closed minded, and doesn't help anyone. Sharing properly, presents an opportunity for others to share their perspectives and experiences, which in turn give you more information to help you make a more informed decision, as well as process your emotions better. I hope that will help you think of this a little differently, so you don't feel so guilty posting about him. He's a big part of your life, and that has an impact on you, so you should be free to post about it!

I hope that you feel better soon, and you both continue to improve, so that one day you can find that emotional closeness with him.


This sounds so tricky to deal with  :hug: Like Hope said, it sounds positive that you are asserting yourself and speaking up for your needs. In doing so, you don't really know what the outcome will be and if he'll hear you at all, which could lead to a more serious conversation and maybe even a difficult step to take. Even if what you're doing now seems insurmountable, it could eventually be good for you in the long run no matter the outcome.  :hug:



notalone I also care about you.   :hug: :hug:


 :hug: notalone I'm glad you were able to voice your concern and stand your ground with your H. I've found though I know my H tries he doesn't know or understand my issues or how to help. So I often do not tell him for a long time what is going on with me.  I just recently told him more about what's going on currently and his reaction though not great was at least silence and an admittance that he's trying not to say there wrong thing. :applause: Which is progress for him.  I hope for progress for your H and know we are here for you. :hug:

Not Alone

Hope, Jazzy, Dollyvee, Blueberry, Tee,
Thank you for your responses. I've been meaning to reply, but it's been a tough few days. For now, please know that I appreciate your support.

Tough amygdala take-over (EF) yesterday. The trigger would be meaningless to anyone else, but it still feels too vulnerable to write the details of it. Trigger   →   Feelings of "I hate this." "I can't stand this."   →   Trying possible solutions while feeling panic.   →   On bathroom floor curled in fetal position.  Spent some time on floor with feelings of "can't" and ideas of SI. Told self that I have T in 4 hours. While in the middle of "CAN'T" feelings, talked to myself logically telling myself it's (the thing that triggered me) only an object. It may cost a little more money, but it's only an object. Even though I knew that, I continued to spiral. At some point I realized that I was in an amygdala take-over (EF). Okay. What am I supposed to say to myself? I'm supposed to say I'm in an EF. What else? Can't think. The list is in the other room. I can't move and get off the floor to go get it. Oh yea. Tell self that you are safe.   As soon as I said that to myself, I started crying. It also connected me to the many incidents of abuse that were connected to the object.

Shortly after that I was able to get off the floor. With help, I was even able to fix the problem. I talked about what happened in therapy. My therapist told me that he had read that after that kind of incident it takes the body eight hours to re-regulate. (Not quite those words, but I think that's what he meant.)

Maybe I should have given myself time yesterday to recoup, but I finished my project, which was physically exhausting. Today I realize that I really need some self-nurturing. I feel sad and wounded. I have to leave for work soon, so that will have to wait. Today would have been a good day to cuddle up with my teddy bear all day.


((((Hey Notalone))))))

You did a great job recognizing your EF and talking yourself through it. It's so so hard to remember what we are supposed to do in the moment. You did awesome! Sending you teddy bear vibes today.

Not Alone

Thanks, Armadillo. Like your teddy bear vibes.  ;D He's sitting with me right now.

Not Alone

Post about husband, April 17:

Hope, I greatly appreciate your affirmation of the words I said to my H and support in not being alone.

Jazzy, Thank you for your thoughtful response. I would love for the incident to be a chance to help my H look at what was going on inside of him that caused his reaction. I am learning that with those who are avoidant, trying to approach them only causes them to put up another wall. I have experienced that over and over.

Dollyvee, thank you for responding. I do think it is good that I voiced my boundary. I don't have control over what he does, but I can be clear with my boundaries.

Blueberry, My heart is warmed by your support and care.  :hug:

Tee, Thank you, my friend. It's hard, isn't it?  :hug:

Not Alone

Today my husband said to me, "What's the matter, hon? You've had a sour look on your puss all day." My mother used the word "puss" for face, so that alone is triggering. Using the word "sour" says to me, "stop being sour and put a smile on your face." In the past, H has told me to smile. That's for him so he doesn't have to deal with or even know that I am feeling difficult things. If he had said something like, "What's the matter? You seem sad or upset. What's going on?" that would have felt like he wanted to know. The way he said it, and the many experiences of the past with him, made me feel like he just wanted me to look happy. My reply was that I've been in physical pain. I didn't feel like he wanted to know the other stuff going on, and his past reactions or lack of response, has taught me that he is not safe to share with.

I feel mean saying all that. I'm putting together decades of evidence together with what I have learned about avoidant-attachment.

I was communicating with a friend via text. I felt like she was at least understanding that she didn't know the situation. Then she said to keep trying. Ugh. Discouraging. Trying only causes him to add another wall.

I feel frustrated by what my husband said and by my friend. I feel angry. I feel the vacuum and hopelessness of my marriage.


I'm sorry that the important people in your life are just not getting what you need right now.

Not Alone

Thank you, Armadillo. I'm grateful for your reply.

This morning I told my friend about being triggered and curled up on the floor in my bathroom. (See journal April 20) She knows a little about my abuse. Actually, I really am not sure how much I've told her. Anyway, she reacted with tears and very strong words of protection (I would have. . . .to protect you). She also kept telling me that I'm not alone. Her words and her emotion meant a lot to me. There's only so much of it that I can take in, but that's okay. I'll just let the words and love behind them simmer.

I wanted to talk about the thing with my husband (sour) in therapy, because I need affirmation that I'm interpreting correctly and not all messed up in my head. I read something on OOTF. "Belittling, Condescending and Patronizing - This kind of speech is a passive-aggressive approach to giving someone a verbal put-down while maintaining a facade of reasonableness or friendliness." That's what his question felt like. (See post below.) I decided not to talk about it in therapy because there were so many other things that I wanted to dive into.

Unexpected new memories and new Little in therapy today. Usually I have memories and then tell T when I see him. That is vulnerable. I felt really vulnerable to be having the memories with him in the room and tell him the flashes of memory as they came. There was absolutely no pressure to tell him anything I didn't want to. His voice was so gentle and caring, a beautiful contrast to the ugly descriptions coming out of my mouth. I couldn't look at him the entire time.


I bet your T felt so honored to have you tell him those flashes there in the room. I get so overwhelemed too in therapy by just all the stuff to deal with so I totally get why you put off the discussion about your husband's comment. Just know. You don't need to doubt your reaction to what he said. It hurt and was unempathetic. Whether he meant it that way or not is only part of the point. How his words and expression impacted you matters. Hopefully it matters to him.

I'm so happy though that your friend came thru for you and you could take in the meaning behind her emotions and words. It inspires me because I'm sitting here thinking I need to find someone in my life to be outraged for and with me. But asking for what you need is hard. But that's what you did today.


I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting, and feeling frustrating and discouraged, that makes everything so much more difficult. Maybe you can tell your T about your H another time.

It's great that your friend was there for you, and you had some breakthroughs in T, even if it wasn't easy. Wishing you continued healing and strength to deal with everything.

Not Alone

Armadillo, thank you so much for your words about my therapist and also about my friend. Her words and emotions just seemed to burst from her heart.
Quote from: Armadillo on April 26, 2021, 11:37:21 PM
You don't need to doubt your reaction to what he said. It hurt and was unempathetic. Whether he meant it that way or not is only part of the point. How his words and expression impacted you matters.
I appreciate this. I'm trying to trust my instincts, but it's hard because on the surface things seem okay or even caring.

Jazzy, thank you for your kind words.