A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Bach]

I visited with my Other over the weekend.  After not seeing each other for three months we've had an unusual number of opportunities to visit in the past few weeks, and we've been getting on wonderfully well.  This past visit was especially lovely.  We didn't do much but cuddle and watch TV and talk.  I felt so safe and loved, and was even able to take mindful note of it and appreciate it without getting triggered by it.  I'm so besotted with him when we get on like that.  Something I'm proud of is that I haven't been all clingy since we parted.  I like to text and talk on the phone, but he's not big on virtual communication. so usually after we've had a really good visit, I'll text him hoping for an answer that will keep the close feeling going, and all it does is the opposite if he doesn't respond.  I haven't done that this time.  A few months ago, I gave myself permission to text him a morning greeting every day if I want to, and to not feel hurt or rejected if he doesn't reply, but otherwise I have to carefully govern my texting desires so that I don't hurt myself by inviting him to ignore me. 

Thank Goodness I have him, and My Person, because I think I've been rejected once again by someone to whom I gave exactly what I was asked for.  It's a penpal I've had for about a year, who I really thought was cool and wanted to be my friend.  If I have ruined that friendship as I think I have by trusting too much and misjudging where a boundary needed to be set, well...it hurts.  It's not a world-shaking earth-shattering loss, but wow, it hurts.  It is SO exhausting to always have to be so careful.  On top of that, I got a message from one of the people from the chat group that kicked me out last year contrary to what had been the stated policy of the group.  She asked how I am and said that she wants me to know that she thinks about me all the time.  She sent me a similar message at the beginning of April, which I answered in a friendly and welcoming manner, but she never replied.  So now I have to figure out what to do.  I have realised that for me, "How are you?" is an invitation to respond, a request for a dialogue, and that for her it is probably a polite formality, and that she's not writing to me because she wants to be my friend, but thinks about me because she knows I was treated very badly by the group and she feels guilty about it, especially because she's the one who reassured me that I was an important part of the group and that everyone cared about me only a day or two before another member of the group kicked me out and no one said anything to defend me.  I know that I didn't do anything "wrong" and that the only reason I was kicked out was because the queen bee of the group didn't like me, and I'm sure that everyone in the group knows that, too.  Blah blah blah.  The worst part of all of that was that even though I know I didn't do anything wrong and that those hypocritical $^%&*^&^ treated me in a way that was explicitly stated to be counter to the ideals of the group, I apologised and slunk away with my tail between my legs.  I APOLOGISED.  It was a support group, FFS!  All that led to my discovering that I have CPTSD and coming to this forum so blah blah blah it turned out to my advantage no use feeling so hurt I always knew that although those women were my friends they weren't REALLY my friends blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I hate myself.  After all these years and all this work, I am still UNACCEPTABLE to the wider world of people.

The hole in here I am trying to fill is enormous.  It's not even a hole, it's a labyrinthine series of caves.  There's nothing in here but dim light and danger, things might explode at any time, something might grab me from behind, I might run into a wall and knock myself silly and thrash around for days stumbling into booby traps.  Struggle or die, that's all I've got.  Why did I have to be born?

[marta1234]

Hi Bach, I've been following your journal but now Ive wanted to come by and say that those people in that group and your pen pal should not have done these things. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but their actions were and are unexplainable.
I want to send you a gentle hug, if it's ok, and I'm very sorry that you're feeling what you said in your last sentence. I hear you. We all do. and a blanket (if it's ok too)

[Not Alone]

. . . it turned out to my advantage no use feeling so hurt . . .

I don't think there is an "on/off" switch for hurt. Those women treated you poorly and it hurt. 

[Bach]

I'm really scared and worried about Bach.  She's been feeling really bad for a while and she keeps thinking that she wants to die.  She thinks that comes from me, but I'm okay!  I want to help but I don't know what to do!

[Snowdrop]

I've been concerned about Bach too. I care about her. I know she's been hurting for a while. I'm glad you're okay though. I wonder if it might help Bach to know that you're okay, and that you care so much about her?

[marta1234]

We're here for Bach. It just brings me to tears everything that you've been through. We care for you and Bach and everyone in your system. I really hope Bach knows this.
Sending all of you a basket full of comfort and love. I wish I could do more or say something perfect to help. 

[Tee]

 

[Snowdrop]

I've been thinking about what you said yesterday, and what might help Bach.

You said:

She's been feeling really bad for a while and she keeps thinking that she wants to die.  She thinks that comes from me, but I'm okay!

If it's not coming from you, it makes me wonder whether it's another part of Bach having these thoughts and feelings. They might be feeling scared, and need help and reassurance. Perhaps it's a part who doesn't know that you're okay, and they're concerned.

I care about this part, and I care about you and Bach too. I'm glad you're okay.

[Not Alone]

I care about you and Bach too. Bach, we are here for you. You are not alone.

[Bach]

I was very self-destructive yesterday. I binged worse than I have in a long time. I know that I am feeling much worse today for it and that I can still get it under control in time to not be as sick tomorrow. I had what my therapist said she thought was a significant something or other last week and also had some interesting input from the kids that I don't know what to do about and I feel like I'm drowning no matter how many "my relaxed diaphragm" exercises I do. To all my friends who read here, you are appreciated but I can't address you individually right now because I feel like I'm drowning.

[Blueberry]

It sounds like there's a lot going on. I'm holding out a hand or even a long tree branch for you to grab hold of.

[Not Alone]

I know the feeling of drowning. Sending a ring buoy to you. You are not alone. I care about you and all your parts.

[Snowdrop]

I hope you're not feeling as sick today, Bach. I care about you. I want to send you a lifeboat to save you from drowning.

[Tee]

  sending you a big hug of understating Bach. Take care of yourself I hope you catch a breath of air and can find a way to float for a while to catch your breath.  I'm here for you.

[Bach]

Thank you, friends 

I keep letting these kids down. They have told me what they want, what they need, and it's completely reasonable, but with my poor discipline and lack of good habits I can't seem to give it to them. Today my therapist suggested that my continuing to do things that cause me suffering might be me subconsciously acting out my endless anger at my mother. That in some part of me I can't allow myself to be happy or feel good or feel loved because then I would be letting my mother off the hook. I want to find a healthier way of expressing anger at my mother than keeping myself down, making myself sick. Problem is, I keep thinking that I want to talk to her, to tell her how angry I am and that I don't love her or forgive her, and that she can forget about me pretending to find some affection for her at the end of her life like she did with her mother.  I'm pretty sure that's a really bad idea, but I can't figure out how I could possibly meaningfully get that poison out of my soul without doing that.