Wattlebirds journal

[sanmagic7]

 

well done.   

[Blueberry]

  Good job!

[Wattlebird]

Thanks guys
It warmed my heart when I saw my cheersquad cheering me on 
Journal
I've been pondering my lack of feelings again 
My mum told me she been for tests etc and she hasn't got the results yet or finished all the tests but the doctor told her best case is kidney disease, I was empathetic and concerned to her face but I have been fascinated at my utter lack of concern for her, I'm not sure if I'm not facing reality or that I really don't care, she has caused me a lot of pain in the past, plus several severer traumas, though we do have an amicable relationship if not that healthy.  you know I just spent some time thinking this through I think it's a self defence mechanism (if that's the right word) she has hurt me so significantly in the past I will not be hurt by her again I've cut off my feelings for her. How come the amicable apparently loving relationship we have if I've no feelings for her then? obligation ? I'm still playing out golden child roll? No I hope not  to keep her happy, I must care on some level, I hope anyway

[Deep Blue]

I think you could be on to something there wattlebird.  Maybe your mind is still protecting you from the damage done before.

Try not to beat yourself up over it.  Do you think the unfeeling part is a bit of depersonalization or dissociation regarding her?  Just wondering.
Sending you some love sweetie

[sanmagic7]

 

some good points raised here.  please, as db says, be gentle with yourself.  maybe it's just what it is at the moment.  i don't think you need to pressure yourself about it.  sending love and hugs your way.

[Three Roses]

How come the amicable apparently loving relationship we have if I've no feelings for her then?

Desire for peace? Avoidance of drama? Idk, this sounds pretty healthy to me...

[Wattlebird]

Yes a bit of depersonalisation with my m I think, probably I think I've worked out why I keep thinking I have no feelings lately,
I am no longer being triggered by things or much less than before, I've always lived with multiple triggers daily now I'm only being triggered a couple of times a week if that and there absence feels wierd I feel like everything is so calm and and unemotional.
I think I've got it 
It's been bugging me for weeks.

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

 

that's great news, wb.  you go!  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Wattlebird]

Thanks San and three roses
Yes good news indeed, this dissociation book I'm working thru has really helped with the triggers my "parts" are a lot calmer and seem to be less reactive.
I have been so busy this last week, prepping for Christmas, doing jobs for people, who all want it done by Christmas and trying to deal with d2 in an appropriate way, and setting up the house for renters over xmas, I've been walking around with half a headache and think it's my neck out, I've had problems with it since I injured it as a teen, and stress sets it off. Ow and a kangaroo died in my yard today and I had to drag it to the bush so that didn't help any, but I certainly got my exercise. Poor roo 
Anyway I need a big long sleep 

[Blueberry]

Sounds like a lot on your plate and that you're managing a lot

Good long sound  to you

[sanmagic7]

hoping you get the sleep you need, sweetie.  love and 

[Sceal]

hope the sleep helps!

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
You are managing a lot - well done - and I hope the sleep is helpful too.    

Great that the Dissociation book is helping - I find the same.  I'm glad we're both reading it - even though we have different editions, it's good to know someone else is reading about the issues and empathising.


to you, Wattlebird.
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thanks everyone I had 2 nights of good sleep, thank goodness, I got heaps done today and starting to get on top of my list, it's been so hot and humid this last week, it makes working hard and energy sapping, I've got 3 smallish jobs tomorrow then sat and Sunday to clean house, sigh, haven't even worked out my chrissy presents yet so I guess I better work out what I need and get them tomorrow in between jobs, nearly there, I live in a popular holiday destination so there's people everywhere, I hate going into town during holidays there's 10 times the amount of people it's hectic. Anyway my fault for leaving things so late.