Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Deep Blue]

Hey Hope,
Personally, I think you are very brave.  I struggle with looking back at my past and my traumas.  Even therapy is supposed to be a safe place and I find myself changing the subject quite often.

I'm guessing you are correct in that you had an EF.  If you do feel worried about spending too much time analyzing then maybe take care of some of your current needs.  Make yourself some tea, enjoy a funny show, do something not recovery related.  Perhaps you and your partner could do something together?

Take good care Hope
Deep Blue

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses - thank you!!!!   

Hi Deep Blue - thanks for what you said, I appreciate it.  I am trying to establish more balance between allowing myself time to 'recover' as well as 'live life' in the here and now.  You're right, focusing on current needs is important too - and I will consider things that me and my partner could potentially do together - nice idea.   

I understand that you struggle with looking back at your past and your traumas, and I think that's a normal thing - but I am glad that you have some places that maybe feel safer than others where you can hopefully explore things - at a time and pace that feels right.  One thing that I've listened to in Mary Bratton's book is that she says people should choose the time and pace of their recovery journey and that there's no 'right' or 'wrong' way about it.  That is refreshing to hear - I hope I've not mis-quoted her - I am going by my memory of what she said, so I could have leapt into my own understanding of it - which might be different than what she actually said or intended...

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Journal entry on 4th September 2018
Managing to make some progress with my list of things that I wanted to get done. Slow, but nevertheless some progress.  So that's good!  My massive cravings for bad foods seem to have gone, so I am relieved about that.  I feel calmer.
Hope 

[Luke57]

Hi Hope,

I wanted to jump in here with a huge "thank you" for your open and honest journal. Its encouraging to read of how you are climbing out of the darkness of the past and moving forward in the present. I can relate to much of what you're feeling. I'm about halfway through reading Janina Fisher's book. It has been an eye opener that has helped me understand a lot of my behavior, actions and feelings.

I especially wanted to thank you for your answers to my first posts on this site a few weeks ago. I could feel a lot of warm, heartfelt empathy and understanding in your responses. You helped me feel I belonged here right from the start. Your generously offered  allowed me to feel accepted for who I am - a healing human being reaching out for help. I honestly want it to be ok to send you  back to you for being who you are and sharing yourself with all of us.


Luke

[Hope67]

Hi Luke,
I am truly touched emotionally by your reply - thank you so much.  I remember your first posts on this site, and our interaction then - and I did feel a great sense of empathy with you - due to some shared experience - and I am glad that my reply to you was helpful in some way.  I'm glad that you feel you belong here - because that is a lovely feeling to have acceptance and understanding somewhere, and I feel that here too.  It's a special place - that's for sure, but made that way by the people - I'm glad you're here.  I like your description of being a 'healing human being reaching out for help' and I also relate to that description too.  Thank you for the hug, and sending one to you 

I am glad that you are finding Janina Fisher's book helpful - it's a key book for me - I have re-read it a couple of times, and will be going back to it again once I've gone back through Mary Bratton's book - as I find them hugely complementary.   It's great how Janina is able to provide such a great structure to help understanding of behaviour, actions and feelings - I feel the same way.  Wishing you the best Luke for a continued journey to wherever you wish to go/or whatever you wish to achieve.  Glad you're feeling comfortable in the forum, and I'll look out for your posts.

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Journal Entry on 5th September 2018
Feeling ok so far - slept well - I've got a list of things I'd like to try to achieve today - and I'll see how it goes.  I have a social thing later today as well - potentially two - depending on whether I get an appointment sorted out or not.   I hope to get some time to read my book too - but it feels like a busy day ahead.  Feeling good that I seem to have some energy back - and that my cravings for bad foods have gone - for the moment.  That's a good result.  I want to write about some of my reflections on Mary Bratton's book - but I'm not feeling quite ready yet to do that.  As I know it will be quite triggering for me when I do that - but I am writing this here, to remind myself of my intention to do that. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

Dear Hope,

I haven't been able to check in on how you've been, so I'm not sure what you've been through. But I am celebrating your victories of the progress you've made on the list of things you want to do, and to overcome the cravings of bad foods. 
Sending you warm thoughts, and well wishes! I hope to be around alittle bit more now.
Sceal 

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Thank you so much.  I appreciate your cheer very much, and also your warm thoughts.  Thanks also for the hug, and please know it is warmly reciprocated 

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Journal Entry on 6th September 2018
I managed to get an appointment I wanted - it will be tomorrow, and that is good.  I also managed to do some things I'd wanted to do yesterday - so I am feeling positive so far.  I didn't get much time to do anymore reading though, and I do hope to have chance over the weekend.  Possibly later today as well.  I was re-reading some of my Journal yesterday - and it always surprises me to see the different things I've written - and also the contrast between how 'tongue-tied' and 'uncertain' I felt at the start - hardly able to say anything - and now I feel like I am able to communicate - but I know it's purely because people here understand and don't judge me.  I also feel it's safe to say things.  Nothing bad has happened.  I wish that could have been something I could have felt when I was little.  Still, better late than never, and as I gain strength, I can hopefully nurture and support my wounded and fragmented inner selves - so we can live together in harmony and without walls.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hope that's so beautiful,
  I love the image of all your wounded fragmented parts living in harmony.  Well done sweetie, you work so hard. Hold tight to the moments when you realize growth. Write them down and keep them as reminders lest you struggle again
Warm wishes 
Deep Blue

[Hope67]

Thank you so much Deep Blue -  to you too.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 8th September 2018
I've decided I'm going to try an experiment for the remainder of September - whereby I'm going to take a break from the internet and focus on trying to do things that are purely for my inner children - i.e. if they want to do dot-to-dots - that's what we'll do - if they want to go for a walk - we will.  We'll read things that are more pleasure-based - rather than analytical.  But only for the remainder of September, and then in October we can focus more on progressing with a balance of things, and I can re-connect with the internet and things connected to that.  I have seen a few people saying they are taking a break from their smart phones and their various links to the internet in September, and it struck me as a good idea.

Although I realise that means a break from this forum too - and I think that will be strange, as I've been pretty much looking in here almost daily - sometimes several times a day.  But a break will be possibly a good thing, as it will mean I will need to focus on other things - in the here and now, in my life, in my home, and in my daily life.

So I will look forward to coming back here in October and sharing my thoughts and reflections on what this 'experiment' will have been like.  I'm already looking forward to the changes, and to seeing what I end up doing.

I have been procrastinating at so many levels - because I was working full-time for years and years, and then I am no longer working, and that's a massive change.  But I've not been able to focus myself on feeling comfortable in what I'm 'doing'.  Somehow time has expanded and yet I sometimes wonder where the time actually goes.  Because it does go, and some days I think I have done quite a few things, and other days, hardly anything.  It all depends on how I've been feeling, and that does vary.

The great thing is that it's a choice - and I've made it - I find it hard to make choices for myself - but I have made this one - the choice to take a break and focus on nurturing my inner children, and when I was a child, there wasn't any social media, or internet - I had to cope by busying myself in ways that involved my imagination and the toys that were around at the time.  So maybe re-connected with my inner children will be easier if I try to repeat that pattern. 

I think I'll start this experiment on Monday - and then hope to come back here in October.  But if I don't last that long, then you'll know - because I'll be back before then!  At least there's no rules about this, and I am making my own decisions.  I think my partner will appreciate this, as I know he worries about the amount of time I spend reading self-help books and so if he sees me reading different things, or maybe even painting and drawing, which is what I'd like to do - then he'll be happy, and I'll be able to do things with him as and when we get the time together to do things.  So it's going to be positive for both of us.

I feel as if I'm almost explaining why I think this is a good idea, but I do want to outline the plan and then 'go with it'. 

I will however miss coming here - I know that - but I will be back - and I shall miss everyone - but look forward to re-connecting when October comes.

In the past, the thought of saying any kind of 'Goodbye' would be intensely triggering to me, and I've managed to write the word just then, and it brought a lump to my throat - and tears to my eyes, but the intensity of the feeling isn't as strong as it used to be - so that has changed.  Probably because I have more trust that I can return to something, and that it won't be taken away from me.  I can choose to return, and it will be possible, as long as I am still breathing, and I very much hope to be alive and well in October to come back here.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Sounds like tons of progress  Have fun painting, drawing and reading non-self-help books! I like children's books myself  See you back in October 

[Deep Blue]

Much love to you Hope

[woodsgnome]

Hope...2 lines in your journal stood out for me:

1...."The great thing is that it's a choice - and I've made it - I find it hard to make choices for myself - but I have made this one"    ...we all need that feeling more often...

2. "I have more trust that I can return to something, and that it won't be taken away from me."
That too is such a grand feeling.

Thanks...hope this is a productive break for you. 

[Luke57]

Hope,

Sounds like you're making some very wise and healing decisions for yourself and your inner children.  You can't go wrong when you're doing that.

I'll miss you and be looking forward to your return in October or whenever you're ready. Take as long as you need. 

Luke

[Sceal]

 Hi Hope,
I am sending you some warm thoughts, and I think this is a really wonderful desicion you've made for yourself.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry, DeepBlue, Woodsgnome, Luke57 & Sceal - It is great to read your comments, and I appreciate them so much!  It's a lovely welcome back to see them, and I've missed you and everyone else I've related to in here 

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Journal Entry on 1st October 2018
So my 'break' from internet and digital stuff for the past few weeks has been a good decision for me, although I also missed aspects of it too, but I think I needed to see how things would be - and as woodsgnome pointed out, I had made a choice - and that was a good thing!

I am also looking forward to re-connecting here, and to taking further steps in my journey along the road to managing c-ptsd - to befriending my parts further, and to getting back to some self-help literature - I've already ordered another book - I will put the title down later - I can't remember it from my memory, but it is about Dissociation, and it was recommended by someone in the forum, so I feel sure it will be worthwhile to read it.

I was wondering what I would write - and I realise that I will just go with the flow and write - but probably more over the week, than today. 

Ironically - I found that just a few minutes into starting to write here, the electricity had a power outage, and I then felt quite 'helpless' as my partner is out - and I actually didn't know what to do!  i.e. he usually deals with such things, and I don't even know where to look for the trip switch - this shows me how dependent I have made myself - to not know that.  I am going to ask him how to do it, when he gets back.  I was wondering how I'd cook the food, for our meal tonight, then I started to worry about the freezer defrosting everything, and then thankfully the power just came back on again 10 minutes later!!! Phew!

Anyway, that's been an interesting few minutes in itself, so I'll leave it for now, and think about cooking some food, while I can - I hope the power will stay on.

Hope