Severe depression and dating?

[Ruby]

Hi again, people. I have a question about dating with severe depression.

I started seeing someone earlier this winter. And then I had a bad relapse. I was open and honest with that person and told him about my condition and that I was very interested in him and wanted to continue dating him. He told me he was very interested as well and agreed to wait until April. I had to cancel a few dates on him because I was hoping I could still do it but later learned I did not have any energy to go out. I also had tons of homework and 7 college courses on my plate.

School's over but the person, who messaged me many times while I was taking care of my issues, now does not want to see me.

Why make all these promises and then ghost me like that? Was that revenge? Did I hurt his feelings when I asked to wait for me a couple of months?

This is not the 1st time this happens to me. Do people find it offensive when I tell them I am going through  stuff and would like to take some time off?

I don't know if there is a way to explain to someone who's healthy what it's like living with severe treatment resistant depression. It gets worse when I have lots of stress in my life, and that's exactly what I was going through trying to complete those 7 courses.

[Rainagain]

Hi ruby,

I don't mean to offer offence, but you don't really mention what you think this person might have been feeling.

I suspect he felt rejection after the dates were cancelled, and has now met someone else who is more available.

Be kind to yourself, you are dealing with depression and a ton of study, you have done well to complete the work. The fact that there was no energy left for this relationship is no one's fault, just bad timing.

You can't easily pause a relationship until you have time for it, the other person will tend to resist being controlled to that level and they will move on.

I have experienced this and it is bewildering and it does hurt to be completely shut out like that.

I have also had failed relationships caused by my struggle with major depressive disorder, I suppose I have sympathy for both sides.

[Kizzie]

Are you up to asking this person directly why they don't want to be involved now Ruby?   I found that I assumed a lot of things about people's behaviour that were not the case and that when I started asking people directly there were reasons I hadn't thought of.  Perhaps it is that they got involved with someone or now have a lot on their own plate or maybe it is that they're just not sure about dating someone who suffers from depression because maybe they themselves are not as healthy as you think they are?   

If the person doesn't answer then I would say that says more about them than you and maybe a relationship with them wasn't the best thing for you.

[Ruby]

I don't mean to offer offence, but you don't really mention what you think this person might have been feeling.

This is a good point. I misjudged the situation when the person continued to pursue me despite me pulling away.
I think we had different needs and I wasn't satisfying his needs. So he left. Good for him.

No offence, Rainagain. Thanks for reflecting this back to me.

I sometimes get lost in my dark emotions to the point where I struggle to see reality.

I suspect he felt rejection after the dates were cancelled, and has now met someone else who is more available.

I hope so )) The only thing I am confused about is why he continued to ask me out if he knew he wasn't interested  anymore. Just to experience the fun of dumping me?
Well, thanks for that because I've learned what not to do in relationships. So I don't feel hurt by that at all.

I would have let my date know right away if I felt mistreated and then if they continued to cancel on me, I would've just left them. Why message me for so long and then disappear on me?
I think I am too wrapped up in my unresolved needs to be dealing with others in a close relationship setting.  Well, maybe this coin has a positive side to it... Like spending more time working and saving $$ for my funeral retirement. lol

You can't easily pause a relationship until you have time for it, the other person will tend to resist being controlled to that level and they will move on.

Friends with benefits may do that, but in a trusted relationship that shouldn't happen. I agree.

I have also had failed relationships caused by my struggle with major depressive disorder, I suppose I have sympathy for both sides.

Have you managed to get to the point where your struggle with depression does not interfere with your social or love life?

I wonder if work is all I will have energy for - and that is if I am lucky.

[Ruby]

Are you up to asking this person directly why they don't want to be involved now Ruby?   I found that I assumed a lot of things about people's behaviour that were not the case and that when I started asking people directly there were reasons I hadn't thought of.

This is a good way of dealing with uncertainty in relationships.

I am not always brave enough to do it but sometimes I have asked people directly and it really helped clarify things for all parties involved.

[Rainagain]

Hi ruby,

Glad you weren't offended by my suggestions, relationships are so difficult.

I haven't managed to overcome my stuff and keep a relationship going very well at all.

I am in touch with ex partners as friends but my issues (and theirs) prevented a romantic relationship from lasting.

Going back to your chap, I'd guess he kept in touch asking you out as that is often the male role, to pursue, to woo etc. Then probably found someone else to pursue.

You are right to identify your unresolved needs as key, working on them is vital for you and also will help you in relationships so is a win win.

One thing I do know, there are lots of interesting lovely people in the world, when you are in a good place good things can happen.