ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[Snookiebookie]

Hi San

Sending you love and peace x

Hope you feel calmer and happier soon x

[kdke]

Hi San~

I know I don't say much in anyone's journals; I lurk and just see where everyone's at. I wanted to say how much I appreciate you and am grateful for you. You're wise and compassionate, and I admire how thoughtful you are. I hope that having your porch time will help you and make you feel better. We all need that porch time, it seems. Just know we're here for you and will be waiting patiently. Take care.

[Deep Blue]

I hope you are doing ok today.  Sorry you are in pain. Take care and let us know if we can help 

[sanmagic7]

snook, porch time really helped.  i'm still tired today but i'm feeling better.  thank you.  you are a sweetheart.

kdke, thanks for stopping in.  i loved hearing from you, and thank you for all those kind words.  they and you mean a great deal to me. 

deep blue, as always.  you've helped already.  so good to know you and everyone else are there.  it really helps.  thank you.

just an update on the man stuff - i decided that i wasn't going to let my fears and apprehension dictate how i am and what i do.  i wanted to do a shrinking violet act, but that would be in response to the fear, and i don't want to live like that in any capacity, especially in a relationship.  that's really not me.

so, i called him at work, he didn't answer, i had a hard time falling asleep, preparing myself for this to be over.  i woke up early, and he'd called back while i was asleep.  told me to call him when i woke up, and i did.  him coming to visit is still up in the air, altho he assures me it's gonna happen. 

so, i'm continuing to learn about him, about me, about me with him.  it's a very different dynamic than i'm used to, which is a lot of why i'm struggling with this.  plus our short bit of history, which ended up in flames, then smoothed out again in a more friend-type capacity.  this is one relationship i haven't been familiar with, so i'm having trouble knowing what to do and how to do it.

i'm working on just being my sassy self while keeping my limitations and boundaries in mind.  it does take some work, tho.  trying to install a new relationship with wounds and damage is more difficult than i thought.  it trips me up at times.  i guess i'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  we'll see where it goes.

[Sceal]

I am glad you're being aware of your boundaries and limitations, and are using them in this new relationship with the Mr.
I hope it goes well for you, and that it turns out to be something worth keeping on to. One careful step at a time, maybe.

to you, and your wonderfulness!

[sanmagic7]

you are a darling, sceal.  thank you so.

still very tired today.  can barely think.

talked with my d about the mr. (thank you, sceal) again.  she's completely skittish, doesn't trust him, wants to get to know him before she'd feel comfy with him staying over.  wants to know that he's stable, that she can get that feeling from him.  i don't know if that's possible cuz he speaks his thoughts but doesn't necessarily act on them.

i'm feeling drained by this now.  like it's too much of a hassle.  gotta take a shower, maybe snooze the rest of the day away. 

[Sceal]

It sounds hard to be in the middle of two people who you care about and whom both want to be with you, but there are the added trust issues.
Perhaps you D will be more at ease once she sees you and the Mr together? She also at some point just have to accept her mom has Needs too. Respect for her boundary around your home is important, but her respecting your choices is also important.
Just saying  

Maybe a first small step is lunch or dinner together away from home? Something casual.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I know you were feeling very tired when you last wrote here, so I hope very much that you are ok, and wishing you a relaxing day to re-charge your batteries - the thing is that your D has those concerns, but basically you can't really reassure her - not easily - but like Sceal says - maybe if she sees how you and Mr interact and she 'gets to know him' then maybe over time she'll be reassured that you're with a good guy - or at least by then - both of you will have a better idea of where things are going - and I wish you the best with your relationship - and hope it turns out well.  But a step at a time, that's sensible.    to you, SanMagic.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

sceal, i thought your suggestions and opinions were wonderful.  thank you so much.  i think you may be right, that she needs to feel the 'vibes' from him, which are really different now.  she'd just heard about what happened, but that was really circumstantial and situational - heavier on the situational part.  he's being quite patient about it, actually, which i couldn't see him doing before.  and i think the lunch thing sounds really good.  in fact, she'd suggested that as well.

i think it'll also help for her to see his reaction to where we are.  he's a biologist, knows a lot about the flora and fauna around here, and loves the forest, so i think that'll be a very good thing.  we'll see.

and, hope, thank you for your well wishes.  i have gotten drained this past week, don't have the energy to write to anyone here yet.  am still tired, but don't feel quite as drained.  it'll take a bit of time, i think, to get fully back.  till then, i'm just gonna lay low.  your hugs are always appreciated.

i did manage to walk to the ocean this morning, which was great, and picked some wildflowers for our 'library' - just the entranceway where we decided to put our books and bookcases.   the sound of the ocean has turned out to be very grounding for me.  i'm hearing it thru my window right now, and i just love it.

i'm looking forward to the day when we'll be able to afford plants for indoors.  i haven't had indoor plants for 20 yrs. or so, and i do miss them.  my d has a couple, but i want lots.  in the meantime, i've been stocking our rooms with dried and cut wildflowers/weeds.  that's pretty good, too, to me.  i like being surrounded by the outdoors inside.

the mr. (thank you, sceal) has been passing all my 'tests' with flying colors so far.  i'm not really testing him; more like gathering info on his reactions to what's being said, comparing them to how he's acted in the past.  so far, actually, so good.  i've been a bit surprised at times, but i've noticed that my fear has dissipated, and i think that's a good sign. 

he also seems to be more comfortable interacting with me.  i know he's got mommy issues, has been burned by women in his past, but even he's noted that his comfort level is right up there with me.  a good thing.  so, as you lovely ladies pointed out, a step at a time.  we'll see if and where this ends up going.  so far, i'm liking the direction.  i just have to get my own anxiety issues under control, reel them in.  i think it'll smooth out eventually.  i hope so.  i'm feeling like a 16-yr. old trying to get a boyfriend, both the ups and downs of it.  it's an adventure.

as far as my d goes in all this, i'm seeing a lot more about her than i knew before, and it's very interesting.  i thought she was more easy going than she actually is.  that's been a surprise in a way.  little personality scrapes between the two of us every so often.  still in the learning phase.

ooooh, i'm tired now.  off to the porch to snooze the day away.

[Blueberry]

have good  on the Porch san!

Sounds great: ocean, flowers among your bookcases, and ideas on setting up. Step by step.... 

[Sceal]

I'm sending you a hug, San.

I was thinking, perhaps you are so tired these days because you are settling into a new life that might be better for you. And your body is allowing itself the rest it needs? Whenever I go to the cabin I usually get so tired and worn out I don't have the strenght to do all the things I planned to do. Because finally I can rest.

I hope you're doing alright! 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the well wishes, blueberry.  i did do a lot of snoozing, and it really is lovely here.

sceal, you may have hit on something.  the stress of living in that house is gone, so it feels like i don't have to be on guard all the time against it.  therefore, my body/brain/mind can relax somewhat.  dang, girl, looks like you've got my number!

was too tired to walk where we planned yesterday, so another day 'off'.  we're going to do a partial today, then the big walk on thurs. to get bread from the food bank.  we can get unlimited bread there, which is nice.  will be getting a ride home from there when we do a full-on trip next week.

still too tired to think much, so i'm not much good here yet.  can't bend my brain around others' problems very much right now.  i know it's best to listen to me first, so i'm doing that.  this lack of energy feels weird, doesn't feel like it used to.  it's different.  my d and i began lifting weights, we're doing well with that.  maybe it's just that i'm getting a lot more physical exercise than i have had in years.  i did sleep till the sun was up this morning, which is unusual.

at any rate, i wish i could be more here for others, but it's just not happening right now.  you're all in my prayers, tho, and in my heart.  i think this is part of a redefinition phase, relocation, setting up workshops again - just lots of different things that are new yet.  resettling into what is and leaving what was behind.  transition. 

[Wattlebird]

Your right to look after yourself, 
Take care, I'm not too good at this stuff but wanted to send you some encouragement

[sanmagic7]

wattlebird, thank you so.  you were just right at 'this stuff'.  i appreciate your encouragement and hug.

well, my jaw is swollen today, i'm in pain since yesterday.  a recurring thing - instead of gall or kidney stones, i get stones in the tube connected to my salivary gland.  this is about the 5th or 6th time.  ibuprofen doesn't do much, doc can't do anything.  from what i've read, the only thing to do is wait till it passes thru and out, or get surgery if it happens too often. 

so, once again, i love you all, but can't help out.  hopefully this will only take 2-4 days to be gone.  ugh.

[Elphanigh]

Sending all the healing and love your way that I can. I hope it passes quickly.