Do you find it difficult

[Autumn]

  There are times when I can get my mind to be in now, and still remember things from then.  I don't remember my childhood like it was my own, I look back now and can see that I have been living a dissociative nightmare my whole life.  I slip into a new way of thinking and remember old memories.  But I cant always grasp them or feel like they are my own.  This is how I live moment to moment.  There is a time I think I will wake up in a hospital and people will tell me I have been In a coma for a very long time.  I know this is not real.  How can a dream be so vivid for so long.  Some days life seems so much more distorted from the day before. I cannot wrap my mind around the life I was raised in, most people cannot.  I know my story is hard to believe.. That people can be so cruel and unloving at times.  I contemplate my own parenting and how I am currently screwing my kids up because my emotions overtake my rationality.  I forget.. A LOT  I wonder at times If I have blocked out damage I have done to others as another emotional state.  I constantly check how other think of me to see if I have somehow hurt them.  I don't want to be my father or mother.

My father was the abusive narcissist,  my mother an alcoholic.   Both used a variety of drugs.  From the time of infancy I was neglected. I was dropped on the concrete at 2 months cracked my head.  Tied down in my crib after rubbing the skin off my legs and feet due to frustration of needs not being met.  I do not remember adult interaction as a child.  If there was any it was in the form of violence. We avoided the parents like the plague.  I learned to stay alone, that no one loves me by the time I was a toddler.  I have so much love for this world.  I used to think I had a twin... I look back now and realize I have a dissociative disorder, and have had one my whole life. 

My parents groomed us to be useful.  We were never people, and to this day I don't know how to take care of my own needs.  I feel other people come before me because I am nothing.  Why should nothing think? It is nothing...  :doh:I have learned to be very observant and have several different personality traits I wear in times of stress (all me I think) that can react for me.. I don't have control, sometimes they guide me in my head, and other times thru my actions and words.  I don't get to choose, I can always feel the presence of a few, and they sometimes let me see things I haven't seen in a very long time.  But if they are not active (they being parts of my brain) I don't get that mind set or thought process or skills.  This has been going on as long as I can remember.  I have always been aware of it, but I am not whole. 

We were involved in some seriously bad stuff as children, abuse from infancy until 17, neglect, child exploitation, cult upbringing most stemmed from my father, and I saw my mother as an innocent poor women in all this, she did have a choice though and I cannot see her that way anymore.    She was not innocent and she also hurt me at my fathers command. 
We were never taken to doctors growing up.  We were sold to different people, then returned back again when they were done.

I am very much minimizing the situation for people who might trigger some back experiences.  I don't want to be hurtful to anyone.  There is so much that has brought me to my knees. After 35 years I am finally at a place where they don't say I have major depressive disorder or BPD or just PTSD.  I have to say if it wasn't for my last therapist getting my file stolen from her car, I never would have found the DR.  who guided me in the right direction.  Its the first time I have ever read about something and said * that is me!  BPD sometimes... mostly I want to be alone.  Unless I feel really insecure... then I think I need someone else to tell me how to feel better. PTSD totally but more then that.... and I am only depressed when I feel like nothing will fix me.

So it is all situational I think .  My mind travels where situation drives me.  I'm not always the driver.. Sometimes I ride along... Viewing the sites. and letting someone else take the wheel.. I have to say sometimes I really like it.. Other times it scares the crap out of me.  My husband has told me things I have done to try to hurt myself and I think he is messing with my head... I get dark sometimes.. I don't like when the dark shuts around and the other emotions cannot stop or coach me or maybe I am coaching myself.

My mother died in 2006, before she died she told all of us, that she was a bad mother.  I could not wrap my mind around what she had done bad.. But then something happened after my father died last month.  I started getting memories back.. Not ones I want to see.  repressed memories.  My mind has been SO active lately.  I have begun writing the things my mind tells me.  The things it is impressing upon me that is dire, it has been very therapeutic.

Lately my mind wants me to focus on acceptance.  Acceptance of the other processes.. acceptance of the trauma.. when I love myself I am told things will come easier to handle. When I am ready.. So I kind of feel like I am not running the show.. And that is ok. I am accepting me.  I need to convince myself that I am the only one that needs to love me.  And I love my different stages too.  Even the one that wants to give up.

[Trees]

Autumn, your story is so tragic, and I understand that you have kept back the worst of it.  Your parents were horrific people to have treated you so hideously.  That your mind survived at all is a miracle. 

I am new here myself.  I am so glad you found this site and were able to speak of your history and your present circumstances.  I hope you will keep coming back to share here with us.  You are very good at explaining how a mind adjusts to survive extreme situations.  You paint a vivid and compelling picture.   I deal with dissociation myself, and I have a hard time putting the experience into words.

Sending lots of hugs to you.     Trees
                             

[Kizzie]

Hi Autumn and welcome to Out of the Storm     First let me say how absolutely courageous I think you are for being sharing the trauma you have endured in an open and honest way.  A lot of us with CPTSD developed masks or facades to hide behind and it takes us a lot of time and effort to get out from behind them, but you have done so and that is a big step in recovery so kudos!  

The other thing that struck me as I read your introduction is that you are prepared to love all the parts of your self which is another huge step in recovery and also takes many of us some time and effort to do.  So, while it may not feel like it right now it sounds like you are on your way to healing. 

I do hope by coming here you will find more support and encouragement to keep moving forward. Members here "get it"  -  all the symptoms you talked about and probably until recently thought you alone had.  So when you feel comfortable doing so please post here or in any of the other forums that seem most relevant.   

[Anamiame]

OMG Autumn!!! 

You really freaked me out because our stories are just WAY too similar!!!  I wrote almost this exact same thing just hours ago in my journal. 

I got online tonight to try and find a support board that would understand.  I hit a couple others, but they didn't 'fit.'  This one does. 

You have NO IDEA how glad I am that you posted this.  I really needed it...more than you know.   

I'll be posting my journal entry from a couple hours ago to introduce myself. 

Thank you so much...and no, I know you are not exaggerating.  I totally 'get' it. 

[marycontrary]

Very similar story here as well.....BIG HUGS HONEY.....

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi autumn, and welcome. I'll admit I only skimmed your story, because I'm struggling at the moment and I only read enough to know that you've gone through some REALLY REALLY bad things. So... it's weird: I'm sitting here in my comfortable room, worrying that simply just reading about this will trigger me, when you have to live with this every day and can't escape. But I wanted to say hello, and that I hope you'll find something here that's helpful. 

[Autumn]

Thank you all for the warm welcome. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that I wrote what I did.  I am not sure that ALL of me was ready for the 'Outing'.  After reading my post hours later I was like *... Why did I write that!  I don't think that way!  I was very ashamed and felt exposed.  I have to accept that my alters feelings must be validated and that everyone needs to express themselves.  Its so awkward to know you have done something been aware for fragments of it but not realize what the * was going on at the time.

Such is my confusing life.  I switch far too often.. its a wonder my husband is sane..

Next time I post I will draft first make sure I feel grounded and then read and post

[Trees]

Autumn, I am sorry you found yourself distressed by what you posted.  And I hope it gets more comfortable for you, however you find the easiest.

Speaking only for myself, I was mesmerized by the way you told your story.  And I would welcome the chance to read more of whatever any of your alters would like to write.  Your writing just seems to capture the essence of dissociation, and the great challenge of dealing with it.

Best Wishes and Big Hugs to you, Autumn.  I hope you will come back often.

[GraciousJoy]

I can relate to your feels of shame and exposing the vulnerable parts of yourself, I felt the same way when I wrote my introduction.  The comforting thing is we all go through similar experiences as what you've gone through, some more than others.  I'm sending you a hug and hope that you'll keep on sharing when you're ready. 

[Autumn]

Well its been an interesting few months.  I realize that I was a lot more lost then I previously had assumed.  I have been working towards self discovery.  Identifying what triggers me, and how to move past the "past".  I realize that I have a lot of things to work through, navigating the storm has been a difficult tasks the past few months, but I have to say, I think my T is helping.  I never thought "I" would say it.  It is working and helping.  The battle has been really hard but it has been wonderful having my team at my side, we are all working together to straighten out the difficult issues.  Im giving 2 thumbs up to EMDR, it is helping calm the waves. Progress I think. Every moment is a battle but we survived, and will continue to fight through this too.