I regressed in setting boundaries using my voice

[Dee]

I saw my therapist and told her I have done an excellent job of letting myself get ran over since our last session.  So much so I have let my sister dictate almost everything to me.  This includes inviting herself on a short trip I have planned in February at my expense.  I admitted that I didn't want my sister to go, I don't want to share my friends, and yet I said yes,  I felt like I had no choice, which I know is not true.

She asked what happened?  I told her I don't know.  We talked about readdressing it and telling my sister no.  I told her I don't want her to be mad at me, my T said so what if she is?  She reminded me this isn't the same as when I was a kid and abandoned by my family.  This times I have friends and support.

It's not just with my sister either.  I have been a doormat lately.  I just don't know what happened, why I slipped.  I wonder if it is because we started working on trauma.  I want to work on trauma and I hope this doesn't stall the process. 

I'm sad and a little disappointed in myself.

[Three Roses]

 

This is the trip to meet the relatives?

You're strong, Dee, but even the strongest have moments. Maybe you're tired or maybe you're apprehensive about meeting the relatives. Change can be scary and it's normal if you feel resistant to the unknown.

That old saying, "three steps forward, one step back" comes to mind. Also, "It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up."

[Dee]

No, the trip to meet my relatives is on the 23rd.  I am doing that one in strict secrecy.  Of course, if my sister finds out that I met them I won't have to worry about her on my February trip since I will be disowned.

I know it is where I go from here.  It just feels so hard.  Setting boundaries, knowing people won't like it, is extremely difficult for me.  Sometimes it feels impossible.  So now I get back up and try again.

[radical]

The reason I developed the fawn and freeze to the extent that I did, was that abuse within my family threatened my survival.

I can't begin to imagine what it must have been like to have been cast-out as you were, but one thing it shows is how life-saving those defenses actually were.  It isn't just in our imaginations that stifling our own feelings and tolerating abuse and doing what we had to do to maintain relationships with abusers, was the only way we could manage an impossible situation.

I'm so glad you were old enough to survive when it happened, and more than that, to survive psychologically intact, with a fully-functioning, loving heart.  The pain must have been off the scale.  Those defenses were a lifeline when you were too young to care for yourself, in more ways than one.

Pleaase give yourself a break here, because you are wonderful.  And so very strong.

[Kizzie]

  

You have been doing a lot lately Dee so perhaps your energy is a bit low?  I've found it took a LOT of energy to deal with my deepest and darkest fear of being alone if I went LC and NC (in your case setting and enforcing boundaries) with my FOO.  It sounds like an overstatement to say "deepest and darkest fear" but when I found my Inner Child and let her have her voice finally, I could see and feel how she quite literally was afraid of dying emotionally and perhaps even physically if she were to lose my FOO. That's a huge fear to overcome. My point FWIW is that I've found it takes practice, time and energy to reassure that part of us that is stuck in trauma time and bring the fear down. 

You have done so incredibly well imo and while I understand completely being sad, I hate to see you being disappointed in yourself.   

[Blueberry]

I have been a doormat lately.  I just don't know what happened, why I slipped.  I wonder if it is because we started working on trauma.  I want to work on trauma and I hope this doesn't stall the process. 

Often when I do heavy-duty trauma work, I slip in other areas. It's hard for me to keep everything going up to scratch in all areas. I work on forgiving myself for this. So, feeling sad, but not disappointed in myself.

There is so much going on in your life, you are making huge progress in different areas and being so courageous - really no reason to be disappointed in yourself.

When I had the feeling that things to do with FOO were stalling the trauma work, my T said that all that FOO stuff was trauma work. Just recently I finally understood.

[ah]

There is so much going on in your life, you are making huge progress in different areas and being so courageous - really no reason to be disappointed in yourself.

I agree with Blueberry, I thought the same when I read your post.

I was thinking of your upcoming trip to see family for the first time in so long, with all the emotions that it must bring up.
I think anything you feel makes perfect sense, and having a harder time setting boundaries when something so huge is going on in your life makes even more sense.
Especially since you'd be worried what your sister would do if she found out, if I were you it would have the exact same effect on me. It must be very stressful, even if you never talk to her about it that in itself may be your mind when you two talk.

Treat yourself extra gently, you're doing so much and I'm sure it's scary. Your body must be saying "No....!" because it doesn't realize that in this case, scary doesn't mean dangerous, it just means you're being courageous. Let it be scared for a while if it needs to be, till it finds its footing again.
Doing big things can be pretty unsettling for anybody, let alone with cptsd and regarding FOO. But it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Sounds to me like you're doing all the right things.

[Dee]

I cannot begin to express how much I appreciate all of your posts.  I didn't consider that I would have been cast out younger than 17 had I disclosed.  I honestly never considered how that would have felt even younger.  Also, when I was ostracized it did feel like death in many ways.  I once called my sister (she was gone for 9 years) and she hung up on me.  So it does make sense that I am struggling now when facing the potential of reliving that.  My therapist says it isn't the same, I have more support now.  That is true, but it is super hard to not feel afraid of that again.

Also, yes, I've been going so hard, expecting a lot of myself.  Also, feeling like I am responsible for others.  I invited friends to Hawaii, so I felt responsible for them.  I was the mom at my daughter's graduation and again felt responsible.  I am super exhausted and vulnerable.  My defenses are down to include boundaries.  However, now I see it, I can work on it.

I really do feel better from what you all have said.  I feel a lot less like a failure and more human. 

[Kizzie]

And a very lovely, warm human being at that