Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[Blueberry]

I went on a cycle today where a plant guide was with us and we stopped at intervals and looked at specific flowers and sometimes butterflies too. Being outside in nature is usually beneficial to me. The more I look at flowers and plants in general the more I observe and the more I learn. It's also a topic that helps me with my will to keep going, see a reason for living.

I noticed a few days ago at the farm that I need a break for a little while so I won't be doing my fairly usual Monday work for two weeks at least, though I may go on Wed., I'll see. It's good that I'm heeding my inner voice to take a break from Mon work.

I feel an impulse to do a few things in my freelance business, so that's good. Yesterday I put up my summer advertising for when things are really slow in a couple of weeks. I note I'm a bit earlier with it than I was last year. 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, you're amazing.

look at you, listening to what you need to do, what you need to not do, how everything's affecting you, and even getting your business stuff prepared and ready to go.  wowser, girl. 

i love flowers, and think it's so cool that you were able to go with a guide to observe and identify.  so wonderful.

keep up the good work.  you really are moving right along, sweetie.  love it, love you.  big hug.

[Blueberry]

I don't feel very amazing today, san. Shows how fast things can flip. Though probably they've been going flipside for a couple of days and me trying to concentrate on Good Things. Not a bad thing either.

Today I got up, opened my curtains and went back to bed where I lay and did crosswords and dozed. I know I had some bad dreams, though they might have been before I got up the first time partially I don't know. In the worst bad dream I was at some big FOO celebration and realised I needed to leave and come home about an hour after I arrived because I was doing so badly. And being treated badly. Though I did a little of that myself. The one SIL walked past me in a narrow passageway and pretended she didn't know me, then stepped on my foot, so I bit her in the shoulder. Not something I would do IRL.

I think I'm doing badly atm partly because of my big and good decision to give up trying for proper employment. I still think my decision is realistic, but... it's not easy for me. I appreciate comments from others who gave up employment long before proper retirement age. I know I'm not alone on here with that issue. But it's still hard for me. I thought about putting a post under Difficult Day again but couldn't think of a title other than Difficult Day so writing here instead.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I know it's probably not a great thing to do IRL - i.e. to bite someone on the shoulder, but the fact you did that in your dream to your SIL - maybe it shows you're standing up for yourself in the dream, afterall - she stepped on your foot.  Interesting that you had that dream.

Sorry to hear you're not feeling very amazing today - but you've been focusing on many things - and maybe you just need some space and some time.  Be kind to yourself.

Regarding your work thoughts - I have ended up not working - much earlier than official retirement - mainly because I couldn't sustain it - too many issues surfaced at the same time - and I'm not sure I'll be going into any other form of work.  I'm only in my early 50's - but I've saved during my career, and I had a successful career - so I am just being sensible with my current money and managing - plus of course I do have a partner and so we do support each other.

But the fact you've made a decision to give up trying to look for proper employment, and the fact it feels like a 'good' decision - that bodes well.  I know it's not easy though.  I do however think that if you can cope financially - then putting your health first is the main thing. 

I don't think my comments will be helpful - but I wanted to put them out there, as they came to my mind.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks for your take on my dream Hope. I hadn't thought of it that way - I was standing up for myself. It was a dream after all, I don't need to display examplary behaviour there. The bite could be symbolic and at least it was open rather than the covert way my SIL acted. In a narrow passageway other people can't see someone stepping on your foot.

Also thanks for your reminder to be kind to myself and that maybe I just need space and time.  That's actually usually the case. That and reminding myself to drop 'should' in the bin and ask myself what I 'want' to do. If the answer is lie in bed and do crossword puzzles, well, then I can do that. I know that I do stop eventually when I feel enough of an impulse to do something else.

Thanks also for your thoughts on stopping your career. I guess it's a similar thing for both of us - too many issues coming up at the same time for either of us to cope. I'm a little younger than you and I don't feel that I had a successful career before I had to give up due to complete breakdown almost 20 years ago, though maybe i'm looking at that through the dark glasses of FOO still? Partly it's me feeling I need to be useful, but that's a remnant from life with FOO, me still trying not to be a burden on the world, society at large... I didn't work very long at all before I couldn't anymore, but that's just the luck of the draw in part and partly a reflection of how badly FOO abuse affected my ability to work. It's hard for me to accept but it's good to be able to write on here about it.

Hope, I'm really sad that you often question the usefulness of what you write or you question whether anyone will understand you. I've never found a post of yours to me non-useful! It doesn't matter whether you're just saying "hello" and sending hugs or whether you're writing more, your posts are caring and I'm always interested to see what you wrote. I don't think I've ever not understood. If I did, I'd pm and ask. I'm sad for Little Hope who I presume was taught these messages by her FOO. I was taught similar actually, but it's easier for me to feel sadder for somebody else and somebody else's Little Self.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

i thought the same as hope re: biting your sil - that you were standing up for yourself.  i thought it was a good thing.

may i just say that simply because you might not feel amazing on any given day doesn't mean that the amazing person who is blueberry isn't evident to the rest of us.  you can be amazing while lying in bed doing crossword puzzles.  those are great brain exercises, so you're still doing something constructive for yourself.

even if you weren't, you are someone who continues to work hard at healing her wounds, and needs a day every so often to recharge.  nothing to be ashamed of or guilty about with that, and nothing non-amazing about it, either.   plus, most every day you are giving of yourself to others here, whether by posting in your journal or actively doing your mod duties.    you are truly amazing on many levels.

and, hope, i agree with blueberry about your posts.  i always see them as caring, thoughtful, warm, and welcome.  i hope that soon you will be able to know that about yourself.

sending love to you, with a warm, caring hug filled with days to work and days to rest, neither being better nor worse than the other.

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your kind and honest words san.   

I did the same thing today too. Lay in bed for ages doing crossword puzzles. Got up earlier than yesterday though  After reading your words, it's easier for me to accept myself with being how I am and doing what I have an impulse to do (within reason).

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
What you said to me in your reply above - it has been incredibly helpful to me - I can't say much more than that for now, as my mind has gone a bit blank, but honestly - it touched a core part of me, and thank you - it's helped me come to a realisation - I hope to write more about it in my diary at some point - but wanted to just say thank you.   

I am glad that you are finding it easier to accept yourself and doing the things you're doing.  I think you are doing really well.

Hope   

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope,
I'm glad it was so helpful to you 

_______________________________________

Beneficial: I went into the garden this early evening instead of going to buy something sweet to eat. While in the garden I noticed that landlord's deep trench running at right angles to my berry bed has just expanded. I'm really going to have to try and move my plants asap.

Beforehand though I need to 1) finish picking red and blackcurrants 2) look up how to move my two currant bushes best mid-season 3) find out from landlord where I can conceivably move them to so as to not have to move them again in a year or two. It would also be helpful to at least ask my landlord if he'd be willing to commission one of his workers to dig me a hole or two for my currant bushes. It's not my fault that the ground is being dug out from under them after all and his workers - with the proper equipment e.g. pickaxe - can dig faster and more efficiently than I can. The ground is pretty hard due to lack of rain and due to being full of large stones, old rooftiles, half bricks and thick roots running all over the place just a few inches below the surface. So you start digging and then discover you can't get any further, well at least I do, but his workman seems to be getting on fairly well.

Needless to say, requests for information like no. 3 (plus the changed rent) and for favours like no. 4 are not easy . So I may have been hiding in bed the past couple of days doing crosswords to avoid that. Yes, resting too probably, but also avoiding and/or getting up the energy and courage to get going on it.

I have quite a lot of impulses atm too e.g. Recovery Letters and various realisations. Still, before I do any of them, I should send an email to my ll. He'll be up tomorrow and working at 7 am and maybe he'll even read my email and respond, who knows?

[sanmagic7]

good luck with the ll and your currants.  mmmm, i do love currants.  i hope they get moved safely and prosper in their new location.

and good for you for going to the garden instead of reaching for that sweetie thing.  well done. 

resting or gathering energy in order to take on a task - sounds familiar to me.  been there, done that many, many times.  you're definitely not alone.   love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

No response from ll.

Things are generally difficult atm. That's all I can say. Feeling non-verbal.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

Thanks san!

I did some Screen Processing this evening. It went very quickly. I had SIL up on the screen and then all of my FOO went up all around her as her team, her side so to speak. One of my Helpers shoved them all into the picture frame with SIL because that's where they're meant to be. It's hard for me to allow things like that, because it's violent, but I explained to myself the images were being shoved, not the people themselves. So then it worked.

Often  I have bullet-proof glass up between me and the Screen as a protection but this time I had some black material so as not to even see all those images on the screen. The connection was very strong and very difficult to interrupt until my Helpers started massaging my end of the connection. That was the most important message: energy and time on and for me. Ignore SIL and FOO.

Nonetheless it usually takes a while for the full impact of such a session to come through.

Now I've just got back from an evening games session at my local library. At the beginning I felt like a zombie unable to even understand the game instructions but after about an hour I was having a pretty good time and well able to follow the game and come up with creative solutions. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
This sounds like a really constructive session of Screen Processing.  Also, great to hear that you were able to enjoy those Games sessions at the local library - and that you were able to follow the game and that you came up with some creative solutions.    to you, Blueberry.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I was at the farm this afternoon for the first time in about 10 days. It did me good though I'm pretty tired now. I tend to crave sweet stuff after farm work. That's less good needless to say. I get good food at the farm - the meals are healthy, varied and normally plentiful and mostly tasty. I never have to cook, which is nice too. Still, come home and crave sweet stuff. So far in T no willingness to look at the issue. My doc says my body is obviously managing to compensate even though I'm not always very kind or caring to it. I'm surprised I don't have one of any number of long-term physical ailments but the possibility of getting one isn't enough to get me to eat healthily daily.

The one thing my doc said I should please do if at all possible is take my thyroid medication regularly. It's difficult in shaky spells especially when the EF catapults me into questioning the purpose of everything other than eating. With "should" and "must" (words and concepts) being very triggering for me, I need to want to keep going in order to take my meds, especially the thyroid. My doc says: please thyroid! If it's easier then leave anti-deps off. Today I took both though. But he knows there's no point in saying: "Ms Blueberry you have to take your meds! / You really should take your meds! / Don't you even want to get well again?? / You obviously just sit there expecting somebody else to do it for you!" I've heard that all before over the years and it's not useful.

In conversation with my doc and also when I'm sitting in the waiting room, I can feel pretty deeply into what's going on. It's one of these places other than on here and at my therapist's, as well as on the way to and from therapy in the train where I can actually write in my paper Journal without being overwhelmed with SH impulse. The last inpatient therapy I did - must be about 4 years ago by now - one of the therapists was big on telling us "don't be judgemental towards self". She was always saying that in the trauma groups anyway, but had colleagues who were quite judgemental of me and towards me in other trauma groups! Being judgemental in FOO was a huge thing and I'm pretty sure it still is, so it's very triggering. My doc and my T aren't judgemental at all. I realised yesterday at my doc's that that's why conversation with them and time in their waiting rooms or immediately after I've been there are all good times to further process, write things down without SH.

I think myself it would be beneficial for me to put either reluctance to take my thyroid meds regularly on the Screen or project the topic into the future on the Screen. That would mean seeing myself taking it in the future with ease and seeing what I can add to the image on Screen to help it be easy daily. Maybe I'll even manage it before I next have therapy in just under 2 weeks, so that I can use the T appointment for something else or to delve deeper into topics I've already had on the Screen.