Elpha's new adventure

[Sceal]

I hope you'll be able to enjoy the time with your niece more than the chaos and the stress of the other family members will be putting on you, directly or indirectly. Hopefully your brother is safe and just needed to get away for a bit.

If the vacation takes more out of you than you're able/willing to take - is it possible for you to go home sooner?
Sending you some good thoughts!

[Elphanigh]

San, thank you for being with me the whole time. My niece is really the saving grace of this trip so far. I nearly fell asleep with her on my chest tonight, there is so much peace and love for such a tiny new person.  She is the sweetest and happiest week old baby I have ever seen. 

The session was great, I do hope I can get past my fears and choose what will truly be right for me. Lots of love ❤️

Sceal, I will focus on my niece best I can. Right now I am just feeling sleep deprived and stressed but am finally in my own space for the evening,  As far as going home sooner there isn't, and I feel rather stuck by that fact tbh.

[Elphanigh]

This is going to be a bit whiny and just a list of issues that have popped up with only twelve hours around my FOO

1) they are just always stress filled and drama ridden
2) my brother hasn't been home or contacted family since Tuesday morning... we know from a friend in the area where's he is tonight, so that's is a comfort ish
3) my parents things B is in drugs
4) B is not graduating high school.... I planned this trip around his graduation date...
5) M has already drug me into feeling bad for her and trying to help her make decisions... she is great at leaning on me. (I did refuse to make the decision for her)
6) I absorb the chaos and general stress level of this environment
7) I am stuck in a room that has a view of a tree that is part of one of my worst memories
I am so worried my sister remembers... and can't shake it
9) I have been awake for 23 hours and have not had enough food, sadly I am not entirely in control o that right now
10) I have to call the dentist because my sore mouth has spiked into something that is rather concerning and makes it hard to eat when I am given food
11) my old dog had a stroke but is okay... but had a talk with my M about the fact we all would need to decide what would be more humane for him
12) my GM is being irresponsible and it could kill her... I learned about four er trips and to times of complete unresponsive ness on her part tonight ...


There is more but I am exhausted and just needed a handful of this out. I will adapt to this place I always do, but this is a healthy reminder of why I cannot be closer to my niece

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Elpha,
It's ok, we are here.  We are with you the whole time.     Do what you can to get through it and don't beat yourself up for it.  Go easy on yourself because you are in the center of the volcano right now.  Please write when you can and dump as much as you need to here.  Sending you so much love dearest,

[sanmagic7]

everything deep blue said.

also, just a reminder that maybe you can put up a 'screen' to help keep the nasties off you while you're there.

love you to bits, and sending hugs filled with ems to keep you safe.

[Elphanigh]

Both of you are truly wonderful  I will do what I can, thankfully after some solid sleep I feel like I am more capable of it. Today holds some less stress in theory as well, but at least a more rested me is better off than the sleep deprived one

San, I will need to remember the screen. That might help, as s lot of my stress is just that I absorb so much of what goes on around me.


Love to you both 

[Blueberry]

However my T made some beautiful points. I push through, got the degree, even getting a 3.68 gpa which is super high to begin with. Imagine what would have happened if I wasn't being regularly emotionally abused?

   Totally. Same goes for all those other talented things you do like in fine art! (versus the background you had growing up).

If I am honest, I want that career in music, I want to be that symphony player, and that college professor.

And you wondered how I knew you're good 

Step by step you'll get where you want to go and step by step you'll confront/embrace the fear that's useful (some of it is) while you let the fear go that's to do with the past and no longer useful. 

[Blueberry]

Sweet Elpha,
It's ok, we are here.  We are with you the whole time.     Do what you can to get through it and don't beat yourself up for it.  Go easy on yourself because you are in the center of the volcano right now.  Please write when you can and dump as much as you need to here.  Sending you so much love dearest,

Being 'back home' with FOOs like ours is not easy at all. Always hope somebody else might manage better than me, might have it easier than me, a FOO less crazy etc. So, this is their crazy, not yours.

Enjoy your little niece as best you can and soak up that baby love and give it back. I remember how good that felt with my little nieces/nephews.

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry,

It still blows me away you like my art work so much and have faith in me as a musician. Just because I want to be symphony level, or a professor doesn't mean I am that level. I appreciate how much faith you have in me to do these things, and get past the fear built on the past.

As far as foo, having a full night sleep and some food really helps. I feel a little more capable to not let their crazy become mine. I except a big blow up if my brother does come home tonight, but he needs to come home. 

On a plus side I have a dentist appointment in a few hours. I can get the spot in my mouth checked, I don't like the dentist but I should get it looked at while I am here.

[Elphanigh]

I hate the dentist. It is nice that I got to go alone though, not having my M with me is validating of me being an adult and her finally accepting that. 

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
Great that you got to see the dentist on your own, and that your M validated you being an adult and accepted that -    Hope the dental appointment was ok.
to you. 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Hope, the dentist went well thank you. It was nice to have my M validate that, it shows some progress for her. I still have this obnoxious spot in my mouth that I just have to let heal but at least it isn't anything dangerous.

[sanmagic7]

great going, el.  and great growing as well. 

too tired to write much, but with you all the way.  love and hugs

[Elphanigh]

Always glad to have you with me. I hope you can get some rest today 

Yesterday ended up being really wonderful, and hopefully tonight will be the same. My brother came home on Thursday and we got to go on our boating trip yesterday. I am sore and my hands have mayching bruises but completely worth getting to go tubing with my cousins.

Here's hoping the no drama trend can continue

[sanmagic7]

fingers crossed and prayers flying, sweetie.