My outer critic can’t let myself believe that people genuinely care about me.

[DecimalRocket]

I've been getting a little too solitary recently — well, I tend to be solitary because I'm introverted. . . but now it's getting nearer to the extremes of the Freeze response.

I can't convince myself that people genuinely care and not just because "they have to". Not because it would make them look better. And even the idea that people won't reach out to me at all

There seems to be two people in my head. There's one that thinks I really need help, that I'm doing my best and that people will care to reach out. That I deserve encouragement, listening and nurturing, and people are free to offer so.

Then there's another part of me that believed if I just pushed myself hard enough, I could do everything by myself and asking for help is a weakness. That in the the end, no one will ever truly believe or care for what I hope for, dream for, get afraid of or get depressed over. And If they actually do, they would abandon me someday because I'm a burden.

[Dee]

I understand having two people in your head.  I have actually labeled them, the manager, the victim...etc.   What I found that works for me is letting them have a conversation and then identifying the unhealthy voice and talking back.  I have actually done this with empty chairs.  Take sides.

[Three Roses]

We care about you, DR. Your responses and encouragement here are much needed! And since you do that for others, why not let us do it for you? 

[ah]

I wonder, does it seem to tell you that people don't care about you because people are uncaring from their side, or that people generally care about one another but they wouldn't care about you because you're somehow exempt from this social contract, unworthy of it? If it's more like the first it sounds like outer critic to me, if there's a lot of the second it sounds to me like inner critic, maybe.

I look at people and think they can be kind to their family, friends, co workers, they're normal to each other but I always see myself as though I'm not included. As though I'm not one of them and they sense it, so they wouldn't extend their kindness to me. Ironically, I feel so unworthy I put myself at the center of things and see myself as different from all other human beings   

If that sounds familiar, could it be your inner critic mixed in with your outer critic?

[woodsgnome]

I have a lot of this going on, DR. Feel left out, wonder endlessly about it, then decide to open up, then...crash again.

I've gone the easy route of blaming the Icr and the OC. I think in most cases what I was victimizing myself with was an advanced case of perfectionism. I'd start out telling myself to have no expectations, for myself or others. Then something would seem promising, and then...it wasn't exactly how things should go; nice but not perfect; and down the slope of mistrust I'd go...I know, not always my fault but my tendency was of course it's just another failure on my part, why am I such a loser, etc. I hate myself still comes too easily when that sets in.

There's a school of thought called attitudinal healing, and I think it's my only hope. Trouble is, I've felt that way for years...not perfect enough yet. I think I'm better, but not perfect--and this time I really do need to stop and tell Icr to just shut up. 

Take care, we'll get there. The good news is learning to unlearn the need for it always to be perfect.

[DecimalRocket]

I appreciate it with all of you. Looks like my Icr and my Ocr were having a party the whole day yesterday, with it osscilating between intense self hatred and fear towards others with a lesser but still anxious time. I might have had an EF the whole day. . . but I seemed to have calmed down when I woke up this morning.

@Dee, I already was aware of this method and have tried it. But thank you for being there. It means a lot to me that someone still bothered to reach out to me in the first place.

@3Roses, thank you. I always thought of people as rarely ever really repaying what I've done. I was unsure people were ever listening, but they were.

@Ah, seems like I switch between the two. It seems like my inner critic is growing weaker, while my outer critic is still raging. I guess it's because I never really adressed the latter until recently, but I guess this counts as progress. Maybe my ICr is just taking a break and would come back later — it won't be the first time. But thank you for the insight.

@w.g, yes, it can be tough. Sometimes I open up and sometimes I end up getting too isolated. It's black and white to think in either extreme perfection or extreme imperfection, but it's somehow so easy to fall into the trap. Thanks for being there for someone I can relate to.

[DecimalRocket]

Guys, would I mind to ask a probably irrational question?

Sometimes I don't really think I was traumatized. It didn't seem horrible enough, and sometimes I just think I'm being petty. Everyone else seems deserving of support due to how much they're going through, but sometimes I just think my own situation's important enough really. I've gotten hurt to the point of wanting to end it before, but I'm calmer these days, and maybe that means . . .

I don't know — someone from my FOO became abusive later on, but most of my relationship to my FOO seemed  rather distant . . . Affection when they were there, but mostly full of absences. Lots of . . . absences. And . . . numbness.

I don't know what happened, but now I feel . . .empty.

[woodsgnome]

Emotional neglect can actually seem benign, probably for its lack of immediate drama. Your description of life from the perspective of that neglect on your sensitive soul belies the point. It is disturbing, not right, and you deserved better than to feel like you've been passed over an essential part of your human need for emotional integrity.

Something else I've noticed in my own reactions to life in this state is how, even if stuff is bad, we yearn for consistency, and if there are no positive ways to find this, we can revert to our own ways; but, without mentors, we know neither the way or the possibilities of hope. The emotional wounding can build and the person experiencing it, with no reference point, suffers in the meantime.

With no consistent patterns (especially loving ones) it's like we're off on this desperate search, because we know something's wrong, and still can't find answers. The ego convinces us that we're the problem. The challenge is not to give up.

Recovery from this takes lots of patience, but who wants that when it hurts so bad? Given the state of emotional distress, this can become a lifetime's work. I think it's sort of what happened to me--searching/disappointment/more searching/pseudo-answers/disappointment again/acute depression; cycles like that characterize my story, and my emotions have had a hard time catching up (numbness was a huge 'consistency' of mine). Go with the flow was more like go with the blows. Like the perfection discussed before.

Your question about this seems totally opposite of "irrational". It's helping you delve into the crux of sifting through all the hurt that's built up over the years. Patience seems like such lame advice sometimes, but perhaps it's applicable when we hit these seemingly solid walls of despair.

It was stunning to experience the rejection you've expressed, but drawing on your inner reserves to even discuss it here is both admirable and a sign that you're still willing to find a way with this.

I'm loaded with words again. Perhaps this --   --says it better.

[Blueberry]

Well said, woodsgnome.

DR, I just want to add that it's kind of typical for us to wonder if it was really that bad. Seems to me your question is running along those lines. Was it bad enough to traumatise? Yes. Emotional neglect can do it. 

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks you two. I always like w.g's wordy insights, as I love a full hand on detail here. And Blueberry just for being there — and validating my pain.

I woke up after nightmares of people I cared about insulting me over and over so this was a relief to see. My critics aren't completely extinguished, but I've calmed down.

I think I'm going to research about parenting to figure out what was wrong with mine. Hmm, maybe psychological perspectives, historical perspectives, anecdotal perspectives, neuroscientific perspectives and so on.

Information is amazing. . . . *drool* . . .

[PeTe]

DecimalRocket, I think it's very common to wonder if our own problems are important enough, especially when people in the past have reacted as though we weren't important enough. My father was there but absent (preferred to read history and watch news, and sometimes wouldn't even respond to me when I talked to him), and that's definitely affected my feeling of self worth.

What makes it abundantly clear to me that your problems are serious enough, is that you've been treated so badly that you wanted to end it. I think anyone who wants that have problems that deserve to be taken seriously.