Randal's Recovery Journal

[RecoveryRandal]

Been doing better on the whole but also still experiencing some powerful emotional dips.

Yesterday, I got up super early to attend a dawn performance of our local Morris Dancers for May Day. It was fun. But later I felt depressed, which I can only attribute to the disruption in my sleep (despite taking a nap later in the day).

My partner suggested I take a walk. It made a difference, but I could still feel the sadness nipping at my heals. Then I blasted some music in my headphones while launching into cooking and cleaning. That seemed to do the trick.

I wonder how much of this is, at least in part, because I've been out of therapy for four months now. I'm still doing daily physical activity and meditation, which are essential for me to try and maintain a balanced mood.

I guess I'd like an answer as to "why" when I can't perceive anything disturbing/triggering in my environment. I have to tell myself (repeatedly) that it's because I have C-PTSD. And while I'm getting better on the whole, there will just be days and times when my emotions will be problematic. I hate it, but there it is.

[woodsgnome]

IMO being out of therapy for an extended period might be a factor. I missed some appointments this winter due to weather and was surprised at how this affected some of my issues. Once I was able to resume a more regular schedule it has leveled a bit, so it appears I at least had gotten out of sync--for me it revealed that the progress my t and I may have noticed still needs further attention and/or adjustment.

Another therapy session might at least suggest some possibilities in your situation.

[sanmagic7]

why?  i think you answered your own question, r.r.  you've got c-ptsd, and it sucks, and it takes us to places we don't want to go in spite of our best efforts.   yep, it is what it is.  all we can do is our best to keep moving forward.  and, yes, possibly that lack of therapy may be disrupting somewhat.  hopefully you can resume it eventually, and you'll then see if it makes a difference.  love and hugs to you, sweetie.

[RecoveryRandal]

I almost had a mini-meltdown last night. But I didn't. And I guess this morning, I'm kind of feeling proud of that?

At 11:30 pm, I suddenly realized that I hadn't paid my credit card bill, which was due by midnight. I was flustered, got online, forgot my password (this happens to me all of the time), and got locked out of my bank's website.

Fine. I've done this before. But then their website wouldn't let me log in and reset my password. I called the credit card company and got stuck in a strange promotional recording loop. Finally, I looked up a new number and paid my bill by phone.

At this point, my head was swirling. Objectively what's at stake is a $25 late fee. But to me, it's much more than that. It represents that I did something wrong, which as a kid meant abuse was coming. It also showed that I wasn't paying attention (lack of vigilance), which freaked out my inner child because then I wasn't on the look out for abuse.

I know that everyone forgets things. And I know that lots of folks have technological glitches to deal with. But these are laden with emotional import to me and play into all kinds of f'd-up messages that were programmed into me growing up.

The point is, I got nearly overwhelmed, but I persevered. I recognized what was going on with me, took some deep breaths, and continued. Then I processed a bit with my partner (although I was embarrassed to admit the intensity of my emotions over the situation) and busted out some yoga before bed.

Sleep did me good, and here I am, realizing that even if I want to feel calmer over everyday bumps in the road, being able to manage strong feelings is in and of itself progress.

[sanmagic7]

indeed it is.  well done, r.r.  congrats on being able to stick with it and get the job done in spite of everything going on in your mind.  i always count it as a victory of sorts when i do that sort of thing.  love and hugs.

[DecimalRocket]

They say prevention is better than a cure, and I think you're doing well in that in your own small way. Congrats on all that, and hope you can relax.

[RecoveryRandal]

Been feeling quite mixed of late, so much so that I haven't been sure what to write here.

For a long time now, I've been moving away from mono-feeling. I remember how startled I was when I discovered that being in a bad mood didn't mean I had to stay that way forever.

Now, I guess I'm learning that I can experience multiple moods within a short period of time or even simultaneously. It can be dizzying.

I tend to view most change with a skeptical eye at best. While I've left hypervigilance behind thanks to a lot of recovery work, I'm still alert to changes in my emotions. "Does this mean....(my anxiety's about to spike? I'm going to slip into a funk? Etc.)"

How difficult it can be to simply accept that my emotions are just doing their thing and to truly trust that I'll be able to handle whatever it is I'm feeling.

[sanmagic7]

that is hard to trust.  since i've only come into some emotions lately, i relate to that feeling.  don't know what this means, that means, where it might lead, etc.  don't even know what to do with them at times.

i've envied people who have had their emotions at the ready, were very familiar with them and just let them come as they did without any thought about it at all.  maybe someday . . .

keep taking care of you, r.r.  love and hugs.

[RecoveryRandal]

I've been waking up feeling shaky most mornings. Even if I didn't have bad dreams (or simply don't remember them), I've noticed this sense of powerful self-doubt when I get up. It's like I've failed (or fear failing) before I've even begun my day.

Sometimes it's mild. Today, however, my breathing is shallow. I feel dejected, deflated. And I wonder why I should even try to accomplish anything.

But I'm also conscious of this, which gives me choices. I've decided to decide what kind of day I'll have after my cup of tea. And I'm writing here to get some of this out, to be able to look at it with at least a bit of distance.

This dread first thing in the morning doesn't feel like me. I suspect it's the result of powerful messages I received early and often about my self-worth. But, gods, it can be so disorienting.

These feelings are real, but they aren't true, as my therapist used to say. So, I'm engaging in a lot of positive self-talk to counter what's creeping up from my unconscious.

And I chose to believe that there's an even deeper part of me--past the pain and woundedness--that is both real and true, a core sense of self that is pure, hopeful, and wants me to succeed.

[Sceal]

I'm sorry that you have to wake up everyday feeling shaky and out of sorts. I hope that they will slowly fade away and that the mornings starts to get better by each passing day.  A gentle  , if it's okay?

I think it's wonderful that you're trying to decide that the bad mornings aren't going to take over your entire day, and I'm very impressed you're working so hard with talking positively to yourself. It's a powerful tool, so simple - yet can be very, very difficult.

[RecoveryRandal]

Thanks, Sceal. I decided that yesterday I was going to stay busy, which turned out to be the right choice.

It can be hard to separate when strong emotions are an indicator of something in the present that I need to pay more attention (e.g., extra sleep, slowing down, etc.) or when it's an powerful association to something that happened long, long ago. More often than not, the mood itself is the problem that I need to manage directly.

I hate being so hindered by my psycho-emotional state. There are things I want and need to be doing. Instead, I'm forced to disengage and sooth myself. It's necessary. And there are times when I accept that. But of late, I resent my issues and how hobbled them make me feel.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[RecoveryRandal]

Some good news to share. I recently scheduled a doctor's appointment for a physical. I went all by myself, and the whole thing was a positive experience.

It had been two and a half years since my previous physical. And it had been *five* years since I had a physical before that. So, progress.

I also found out that my cholesterol level is down. So, the daily exercise and eating more healthy have been paying off.

I'm proud of myself, and I almost never, ever say that.

[RecoveryRandal]

Bad dreams last night, two of them that I can remember.

The first was my "classic" nightmare--someone's in my house who shouldn't be there. I never see them. They're always out of the corner of my eye, or I hear their footsteps.

I woke up from this, as always, absolutely terrified. Sometimes I have to get out of bed to check for the person in real life. This time I didn't. And I was able to process it somewhat in my groggy, half-asleep state. "This was that bad dream again. It's because we were abused and didn't feel safe at night. That was then. This is now."

Thankfully, I got back to sleep pretty quickly. But then I had a social anxiety dream about my old work place and the boss who laid me off. In in, I didn't know my status or my role, and I couldn't even find a chair for my desk! While less jarring than the other dream, it was still unsettling.

So, I'm up writing this entry and a nascent novel for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). I feel a little shaky around the edges. But tea is helping, as is processing here. I also feel a little wary about what the rest of the day will be like. Perhaps a nap is in order?

[Three Roses]

Naps are awesome. 😴😴😴

[RecoveryRandal]

Feeling restless and listless at the same time. And whiny. It's the pre-holiday blahs, I'm certain of it.

My partner's going to work event, and I'm at home not sure what to do with myself. I've always loved unstructured time. But around the holidays, it becomes a detriment. I feel unmoored.

I don't know. I don't feel like writing. I enjoyed the last book I got from the library very much. But the newest one is just OK.

I hear the tone of all this as I'm writing. I'm just not sure how to shake it off.