My reward from the universe

[goth_mike]

Success!  My patience and effort has been well rewarded, by the universe!

Although my recovery journey is still in its early stages, I had no idea that opening up to, trying to love all parts and facing many difficult days and nights of introspection could yield such a result so early on.

During a period of introspection last week, where I was talking with my inner children, and any other parts of my psyche that could be identified, I stumbled upon a new awareness, which is hard to describe empirically or non-emotionally, as it was an experience made purely of emotion; more specifically love, pure and unblemished.

I have personally never described myself as a religious, or even spiritual person, as such expressions I generally found to be those most despised by society, and my large catalogue of abusers.  However, I have now changed my mind.  Although the feelings cannot be related to any particular "belief system" (I don't like social structures and systems - never have (and it has been a source of some harsh abuse)) I am now convinced that there is a higher power, the best part of which is us!  We are all a little part of the absolute love, total intelligence and absolute power of Unity / God / Allah / The Force [insert name of your preferred deity here].

This quite literally changes EVERYTHING for me.

I managed to realise that I am not a certain thought (as those are only transient), a feeling (transient) or a product of abuse (transient) or anything else which is transient.  "I" am the "observer" who is always present.  The best way I can think of it is pure energy and "love".  My soul rediscovered, I listened to all the internal voices talking to one another for a while (luckily they were getting along way better than usual) and felt at peace, for the first time in my life.  I then felt (without alcohol, drugs or any chemicals) "out of my head" like I was observing not only my own internal aspects but the whole room, then the building, then the world, then the universe.  At that point I was "connected" in the most profound and beautiful way - suddenly all was made of love and compassion so pure.  I was overwhelmed, but kept with the experience for some time (next time I looked at a clock over two hours had passed in our time).

Despite a long-time knowledge of the science behind such concepts as energy = matter = energy = matter (as matter is energy slowed down), time being relative (to everything else and itself) and quantum physics, these things now make absolute sense, as they are all part of us and we are born of them.

I had suspected that the effect may only be transient itself, hence waiting a week before telling anyone about it.  Happily, that supposition was incorrect.  In the following couple of days, I felt many of my compulsions (such as materialistic collecting of "stuff", which had been a lifetime habit) simply melting away.  I worked out not only what I don't want, but also what I want.  I am now searching for a new job which should bring far more freedom and fulfilment than before.  And I have had the same experience since, where suddenly everything from myself to my surroundings seemed so wonderful, and then somehow "linked in" with literally EVERYTHING else.

I went out and the people seemed so much more receptive, and their pets were unusually calm around me.  The field f energy I project has changed.  The little birds in the holly tree outside my door (which I've never even noticed before) no longer fly away when I exit the house (I use the term "house" loosely lol).

I have become a completely different person over the last couple of weeks, and am becoming gradually more certain that this is only the start of a more permanent change.  Over the last couple of days, when I've begun to feel the crippling flashback terrors, it feels like I can call on "God" within me (he / she / it is in all of us and all things) for strength and love.

Only after the first "transcendental" experience I finished reading Pete Walker's first book (The Tao of Fully Feeling).  In a later chapter he briefly described a "numinous experience" which I guess that was.  I think this is something which is every creature's birthright, and something so wonderful which was denied to us by others who refused to take that particular (narrow and difficult) path.  And it comes from within ourselves.

I guess some of you will be highly sceptical at my attempt to describe the indescribable, which is fine.  But I feel that my life has changed in such a profound way in such a short time that it was worth sharing.  I think that experience of "oneness" was what my inner children were all seeking (and in some cases getting close to).

Has anyone else had a similar experience on their road to good-enough recovery?

Love, compassion and genuine heartfelt peace to you all 

[Hope66]

Hi Goth_Mike,

Your experience sounds wonderful and I am really glad you have experienced it - and that it has 'lasted' - I enjoyed reading your account of it, and wishing you continued positive experiences in relation to it.

Hope 

[goth_mike]

Many thanks!  I hope it lasts too.  I felt it slipping away earlier this evening but consoled myself that the feeling will return.  Then I went outside, felt the cold, saw the trees and smelt the air, realised I was part of that experience, and it returned!!

I sincerely hope that you, and all of humanity, can enjoy such an experience also - you already have it inside of you!  It's like I know how the rest of the world's hurt has suppressed my own inner beauty for so long, but I can finally begin to forgive (but never forget lest I repeat my own mistakes and the mistakes of others) with the help of this "field of energy" in which we all exist.

It is somewhat irksome that I can't write a "manual" on how to do this, as it goes beyond the ability of human language; maybe sometime with more practice and (literal) experience I will be able to "find the words" to describe the feelings in a way others may recognise.

At the same time I am more aware than ever that some experiences will need to happen under the haze and confusion of a flashback, but now feel (there's a theme here!) that I'm better equipped to deal with them.

I love your name "Hope", as this is something I am personally experiencing for the first time.

More love and peace to you from my green yet icy little corner of the world :-)

[Three Roses]

This is exciting news!! I'm deeply happy for you, Mike. I can relate, having had a similar experience which I credit with saving my life and putting me on the path I am still traveling toward healing. It has changed and developed with time, like any relationship, but has never "gone away". Congrats! 

[Blueberry]

That sounds wonderful, mike. I've had a few transcendental experiences in times of indescribable inner pain as I reached out for help, oddly enough. But they never lasted more than maybe half an hour. Yours has. Maybe you are more open to it? Anyway, I am very happy for you. 

[sanmagic7]

very happy for you, mike.  i've felt it myself - it really is indescribable.  hope it stays with you.  big hug.

[goth_mike]

Well, it didn't last forever, but has resulted in some permanent changes, all for the better.  While not being able to "summon at will" the experience, I find it is far easier to feel at peace and wonder at nature, as well as no longer defaulting to thinking the worst of other's undisclosed motivations!

[Three Roses]

 

[LittleBird]

This sounds like a wonderful experience  happy for you and hope it lasts as something you can return to when it helps and when possible.

[goth_mike]

Thanks for the encouragement!  I have had a very similar experience since, though not quite as intense, and although I have not been able to get the same feeling back "on demand" it has certainly had lasting effects.  One of these was to shift my attitudes to fully accept feelings, so I no longer class them as "good" or "bad" and don't try to artificially hang on to the ones I like the most, which always ended up in being miserable.  I was actually doing that out of habit subconsciously!

Currently reading "Learning to Love Yourself" by Gay Hendricks - he starts by describing a very similar phenomenon which luckily matches my experience so far.  I think the next stage is to not actively try to manipulate my experience and instead accept that there are some things which can be felt and not described.

Close friends have described me as a "different person", a "new man" and as "having a different and more intense energy" in the last couple of weeks, while other associates (who I think mostly hung around for free drugs, booze and for validation of negative outlooks) are kind of evaporating into the ether - some people I just don't see any more - others I am seeing more of and enjoying the time we're spending together.

In a way I've spent my life with my head up a certain physiological orifice, which I certainly don't blame myself for as it was taught from age 0, and is the "accepted" form of behaviour.

After all, Confucius says (he doesn't actually I made it up): "Man who live with head in rectum, soils his outlook".

[Three Roses]

Mind if I borrow that one?

[goth_mike]

Go for it!

Another favourite (although I didn't invent this one):

Confucius he say: "Man who cooks carrots in peas in same pot, most unsanitary."

:-)